Monday, January 26, 2015

Dear Dead Ringers...

...seriously. Try harder.

I know that humour is a subjective concept, but originality isn't. Doctor Who has been around for over fifty years, that's five decades, and I think by now it's agreed that however funny they were at the time, some jokes are now stale and unfunny. Are you really expecting your listeners to burst into hysterical laughter when you mention Cardiff? That they will nod in approval at such biting satire that Dalek gunsticks look like egg whisks? After 52 years you really haven't been able to come up with any new jokes? Apart from those one liners from Nev Fountain that Doctor Who is shite and anyone who likes it are filthy scum-sucking oxygen-thieves even when it's a worldwide phenomenon and BBC-flagship television, but all you can think of are jokes is that it's cheap and for nerds?

Have the budget cuts affected the opportunity for new material?

If that is the case, feel free to use the following which has the most contemporary material to mock Doctor Who with since 2006 when you said the music was a little too loud.

(SFX - TARDIS lands. Door opens.)

DOCTOR: Och, Clara! Question! Why did you dump your boyfriend to travel through time and space with me?

CLARA: As if I could quit being your companion, Doctor. I've done this longer than some of your past selves - there's no chance I still have a career after this.

DOCTOR: I meant more specifically. Normally you wait until Danny is at work, or at the petrol station or something. You snuck out during sex.

CLARA: Well, the TARDIS is the only way to stretch him out for a while.

DOCTOR: Clara, this is a children's show!

CLARA: Yeah, you said that when we faced those giant slimy facehuggers that ripped our skulls open and sucked our brains out as milkshakes. And when everyone who ever died burned in silicon hell, were revived as zombies and then killed themselves all over again.

DOCTOR: Yeah, but there's no sex! Jon Pertwee would be spinning in his grave!

CLARA: He got turned into a Cyberman and exploded, remember?

DOCTOR: Oh yeah. Burned down an orphanage, didn't he?

CLARA: Full of special needs kids.

DOCTOR: Good times. But still, this show isn't suddenly dark and gritty, is it?

CLARA: Doctor, I think we're standing in entrails.

DOCTOR: Are we? It's so dark.

CLARA: Ahah!

DOCTOR: I meant the lighting. This is still a fun romp through time and space.

CLARA: Yes. And according to that sign over there we're at a gas chamber in a concentration camp for underprivileged children who have lost their puppies.

DOCTOR: That's an oddly convenient sign.

CLARA: Yeah, probably a story arc.

DOCTOR: Nevermind that, Clara! Look! Behold a monster worse than the Daleks or or... um, what are the others? The evil others, I mean, not the ones I turned into wacky sidekicks? Have we still got any of them?

CLARA: Um... the Slitheen?

DOCTOR: Och, no one remembers the Slitheen!

CLARA: Well, all the others are one-off wierd stuff like grafiti or cracks in the wall or invisible mummy vampire things on the Orient Express. In Space.

DOCTOR: Yeah, that one really needed to pick a genre and stick to it. But, anyway, look Clara and what do you see?

CLARA: An evil clown with fangs, mouth red with the blood of the innocent, moaning incoherently in pure evil and eyes wide from seeing things that should not be seen.

DOCTOR: Exactly! This is clearly that evil clown type thing from that episode of The Sarah Jane Adventures. Remember?

CLARA: Nope.

DOCTOR: It was a good one, it had an evil clown and balloons...

CLARA: No, I mean that's not it.

DOCTOR: Yes it is!

CLARA: It's not. It's Jerry Lewis.

DOCTOR: Don't be ridiculous, it's clearly an alien clown-shaped monster!

CLARA: Jesus Christ, it's Jerry Lewis!

DOCTOR: When am I ever wrong?

CLARA: How about when you were convinced Robin Hood was a robot? Or that the world was going to be destroyed by forests? Or that invisible, inaudible aliens were chasing you across the universe?

DOCTOR: You would bring those up, you malignant whore.

CLARA: It is Jerry Lewis. We are clearly on the set of The Day The Clown Cried.

DOCTOR: Of course! And you know why it cried, don't you? It wept!

CLARA: Oh, not the statues again. That is so old.

DOCTOR: Weeping Angels, Clara! Nazi Weeping Angels! Disguised as clowns! On a movie set! I'm just going to keep spitballing concepts till I get a winner. And they have no mouths, and four arses! And they used to be vegans!

(SFX - gunshot)

DOCTOR: Um, Clara. Did you shoot Jerry Lewis?

CLARA: It was for the greater good.

DOCTOR: Aren't we supposed to be role-models for impressionable viewers?

CLARA: You were really about that when you were in The Thick of It, huh?

DOCTOR: Ooh. Good point. I guess we just have to accept this dubious phyrric victory, have a few bitter and awkward silences, and do it all again next week.

CLARA: Yep. You better drop me off with Danny again.

DOCTOR: Clara. Wait. This is a vitally important question. Tell me honestly... am I as good as Jon Pertwee?

CLARA: You realize I'm a compulsive liar, don't you?

DOCTOR: Yes. That way I can interpret your answer anyway I like.

CLARA: This is setting a good example for the next generation.

DOCTOR: You bet. Och, you know, we should totally bring back the giant maggots...

(Theme music)

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