Sunday, July 29, 2012

RIP Verkoff

The sudden cull of celebrities from my childhood - from Romanadrovratrelunder to Onslow Bucket - have put me into a bleak mood. Who will be the next to perish?


[Caption: Australia Zone 2084.]

[A domed city complex bakes under a large red sun. Smoke pours from factory vents.]

[Chez Verkoff. A neo-futuristic hacienda with holographic gum trees. A hover car lands and a good-looking Aboriginal youth wearing too much eyeliner and drab overalls emerges. Note: Warriors of the Deep was an absolutely accurate depiction of the 2080s, especially the fashion.]

[Foyer. The young man, Theodore J Verkoff, hurries up to a stern-looking woman in grey overalls.]

Theodore: [upset] Dr Restal! I came as soon as I saw the twitter feed...

Restal: Yes, of course. I'm afraid... he won't last the night. There's nothing more we can do.

[Theodore nods, steeling himself, and he and the woman move deeper into the house.]

[Master bedroom. Nigel Verkoff lies on the bed, looking pale, old and ill. He's mostly bald and very thin, wearing a kimono with UNSTOPPABLE SEX MACHINE across the front. Standing around him are his adult children - his daughters Wynona, Tamby and Charley-Pollard and his other son, Malachai. Their spouses and children are gathered in the corner.]

Nigel: [feeble] Is that Theo?

Theo: Yes, father. It's me. I'm here.

Nigel: [chuckles] Thought so. I'd know that aftershave anywhere. Jeez. You trying to asphyxiate us, boy? [sobers] Look. Just... come here... I need... to get something off my chest...

[They gather closer around him.]

Tamby: Please. Try to relax.

Nigel: Tamby. This is some serious shit. I've got to tell someone. I just hope you can forgive me.

Malachai: Of course we will. How bad can it be?

Nigel: [solemnly] I, Nigella Jay Verkoff... can't stand... Wil Anderson.

[A horrified pause.]

Theo: He's delirious.

Wynona: I'll get Dr. Restal.

Nigel: [to himself] The smug, unfunny twerp with his oh-so-edgy hairstyle, prancing around with the same crappy punchlines that weren't amusing the first time...

Charley-Pollard: But what about The Gruen Transfer? That was amazing.

Nigel: [feverish] A man gets paid to sit on his arse watching adverts? At the tax-payer's expense?! On the ABC? The man has less shame than he has talent, the gormless, nasal whinging freak!

Malachai: I don't believe this.

Theo: [worried] We can't risk this getting out...

[The family start exchanging horrified expressions.]

Nigel: [coughs] Kyle Sandilands? Kyle Sandilands? That hate-worshiping, bottom-feeding sadistic mongrel can get away with murder or worse as long as the ratings are high enough! What kind of society can tolerate a piece of cockroach feces like that?!?

Wynona: Well, he has a huge listenership...

Tamby: ...all those people can't be wrong!

Nigel: Bullshit!

[Nigel retches in pain for a moment, then goes limp. Theo fearfully checks him. Nigel cracks open one eye.]

Nigel: [sotto] Ricky Gervais.

Charley-Pollard: We've got to do something!

[Dr. Restal runs in and applies a hypospray injection to Nigel's neck.]

Nigel: That talentless, gutless creep with the eyes of a dead rat and the humor of an SS cardboard cutout. The Invention of Lying? Does that make any sense - why would anyone get upset if they grew up in a world where no one was nice? Just because no one can lie doesn't mean they spontaneously talk about masturbating, do they?

[Theo covers his eyes in horror. Nigel's in a frenzy now.]

Nigel: Kath and Kim? [long raspberry] Barry Humphries? An entire life dressed up as a woman so stupid her glasses have a better comic timing! Jonathon Woss! The world's first surviving brain donor! Rove McManus? That parasite used to make ends meet shoving toothpicks into his cheeks! And Nev Fountain? What a betrayal of five thousand years of civilization! He's as funny as cholera! And then he gets Nicola Bryant as his girlfiend? IS THAT SANE, I ASK YOU? IS IT?!?

[The family stare at him. Nigel shifts, self-consciously.]

Nigel: Sorry. Been bugging me for the last century. Still... I can rest at last...

[He closes his eyes and relaxes.]

Nigel: ...and don't any of you try to eulogize me. None of you have the wit.

[A long pause. Dr. Restal checks his pulse, then shakes her head. Malachai and Charley-Pollard start to cry. Theodore embraces Wynona to comfort her.]

Theo: Christ. What an ordeal.

[Everyone starts to shuffle out, weary and glum.]

Malachai: At least it's over now.

Wynona: Yeah. He's with mum now.

Charley-Pollard: I hope so.

Tamby: It's a mercy when you think about it.

[Theo wearily turns the bedclothes up over Nigel's face and turns to leave.]

Nigel: [muffled] CHRIS - FUCKING - LILLEY!!!!!

32 comments:

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Lmao. I actually had no idea about Fountain and Bryant. Like when a girl I fancied in high school posted that "Fifty Shades of Grey is the best book I've ever read" on Facebook, the attraction is entirely gone now...

Mind you, possible explanation for why he wrote Peri as an entirely out of character bimbo in Kingmaker? Maybe?

I liked Wil Anderson in Glass House, but I think it's the fate of most comedians who don't evolve their act to become insufferable in a few years without actually doing anything from when they were popular.

I only watched one episode of Gruen and was put off by the advertising people being so smug about their work. I didn't think it'd be a show I enjoy since I don't believe even 90% of advertising is possibly effective... and I was right. Fancy that.

As I think we've talked about I like Gervais but in more of a 'he's alright' way. As his career rolls on people will realise he isn't a genius more and more. Life's Too Short proved that by not getting renewed for a second season.

The way you feel about Gervais I feel about Tim Minchin, though. In the case of Jack Sparrow with a Piano, though, it's entirely due to the strength of lauding he gets because I have to acknowledge he carries no ego about himself. And it's dying now that the 2010 mania surrounding the guy is over..

All I have to say about Chris Lilley (atm)... Rouse Hill ABC shop had a big bargain bin. 20+ copies of Angry Boys inside. I mentioned it to the manager and she commented they seriously regretted the number of orders they made for that show..

Youth of Australia said...

Lmao.
That was definitewly the intended reaction.

I actually had no idea about Fountain and Bryant.
All that gossip I get from a certain mason.

Mind you, possible explanation for why he wrote Peri as an entirely out of character bimbo in Kingmaker? Maybe?
Possibly. I do know he wrote the Companion Chronicle "Peri & The Piscon Paradox" for her. It was less treating Peri as a retard and generally just being nasty to her, like The Reaping.

PPP might be a good story, but it's got too much Nev Fountain "Douglas Adams wannabe" stuff in it for me to enjoy.

I liked Wil Anderson in Glass House, but I think it's the fate of most comedians who don't evolve their act to become insufferable in a few years without actually doing anything from when they were popular.
It strikes me that in the Glasshouse Wil had plenty of stuff to react to instead of relying on his own wit - and was devastated when his stand up show turned out to be nigh identical to his links in that year's Melbourne Comedy Festival.

Life's Too Short proved that by not getting renewed for a second season.
I assumed it was because it ran out of ideas by the second episode. "Egotistical dwarf is humiliated" repeat until 24 minutes is full...

And it's dying now that the 2010 mania surrounding the guy is over..
I was surprised about the hype. I just thought of him as occasional muso in The Sideshow and the odd chat show. I didn't realize he had the Albert Hall to himself. It was sort of like idly saying "That Jesus is a nice bloke" and then being in the room with the freshly-fed 5000.

All I have to say about Chris Lilley (atm)... Rouse Hill ABC shop had a big bargain bin. 20+ copies of Angry Boys inside. I mentioned it to the manager and she commented they seriously regretted the number of orders they made for that show
Oh yeah. Lilley didn't just burn his bridges with that, he salted the earth with radioactive fallout.

Anyway, I'm struggling to finish my radio play. Life doesn't seem to be giving me any time to do so...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Ah, well, I've been over-estimating how healthy I am it seems. It keeps catching up to me when I have days off. I don't know if I'm going to have anything written frankly.

It's a shame, if I even read about it a week earlier I could have whipped something up.

Youth of Australia said...

I have a radio version of Verkoff: A Terrible Ego written for the AirPlay comp on Radio National last year. I'm tempted to hand that in, but I only need another twenty pages of "Void Gazing" to finish it...


ANDREW: So, Nigel, what’s this plan of yours?

NIGEL: You want the long version or short version?

DAVE: (THINKS) Long.

NIGEL: Don’t let it kill us.

BEAT.

ANDREW: What was the short version?

NIGEL: “Mummy!”

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

It's always worth a go.

Whatever happened to the animated YOA project? Did that go by the by now Chris is working on... stuff?

Youth of Australia said...

Yeah, I just assume he's busy.

Mind you, I haven't heard from him since he married that fancy woman of his...

Miles Reid said...

Of course, the vote is out whether you'll hear me after I've married MY fancy woman...

Youth of Australia said...

Well, at least we'll know you're happy. So, hopefully Rhi can keep her claws off you until the rest of my audio is released. ;)

Miles Reid said...

Oh, you don't have to worry about the claws and handcuffs affecting YOUR radio play... only mine.

Youth of Australia said...

Aw... I never get any claws.

Miles Reid said...

To be honest, everytime I see someone reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey', I want to lean in real close, creepy close and whisper 'You know, it's actually more fun to indulge in BDSM than to read about it.'

But, well... I only just got taken off the register.

Gervais... he has his moments, but I find his stand-up rather tedious, his writing decent, himself as a person a bit of a twat and the Rickey Gervais Show where he essentially acts like Sparacus towards Karl Pilkington is just a little mean at times.

Youth of Australia said...

It's very mean, isn't it? That said, I appreciated "Life's Too Short" had karma involved as Warwick Davies acted like a total shit to nice people and paid the price. Repeatedly.

(As an aside, I'm glad Nigel's abuse of Kyle Sandilands has 100% support from the silent majority).

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well I don't know anyone who LIKES Sandilands. At all.

It's something Tony Martin talked about, jokingly encouraging anybody who liked him to call him and do their best to explain what the appeal was..

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

...also, The Ricky Gervais Show is a guilty pleasure of mine. But it should really be called The Karl Pilkington Show. I mean, honestly, without him there wouldn't be any show whatsoever that I can see..

Youth of Australia said...

Yes, it's like Jonathon Ross on Fool Penn and Teller...

And, btw, I have sent off my radio script. According to unconfirmed sources, I've missed the bloody deadline anyway but I can relax for the first time since Friday. Thanks for that, J-Man.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to stress you out. It was more a suggestion if you had anything to hand..

Youth of Australia said...

Whoa, realized that last post could be misconstrued. The "thank you" was genuine, BTW. Should have broken it away from the paragraph.

And at least now I have a radio play of YOA versus the Gorgon on hand. Might get Miles to record it or something...

Miles Reid said...

30 days of employment and counting.

Youth of Australia said...

I assume that's... good?

Saw the trailer for the new series.

Makes Victory of the Daleks seem even WORSE than it already was...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Oh okay. Yeah I was worried you were peeved there.

Eh, we could have a try at doing it. Just need microphones, a decent space and people who sound like YOA...

Youth of Australia said...

Screw that. We need people who can act, which means I can only be there for moral support.

Maybe immoral support too.

Miles Reid said...

Considering how long I've been at that hellhole and all the shit I've had to endure in order to turn a basic wage. Yes. Yes it is.

Miles Reid said...

So, anyone else seen 'Dark Knight Rises' yet?

Youth of Australia said...

Then congratulations! A month and then freedom! Total exhoneration of all charges! FREEEEDDOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!

In other news, sparacus has publically stated his opinion of the "Olag Gan was a sex killer", expressing it in his own inimitable style...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well I mean to see it soon, but not yet. It can't be as bad as Prometheus...

..OR CAN IT??? I really hope not..

My friends have prioritised seeing TED, though. Which probably says something about us.

Youth of Australia said...

My dad said Ted was OK. Not quite "go out and see it now it's so freaking awesome" but he's happy to have seen it himself.

Miles Reid said...

Okay, I'll take it as this.

1) Oh God, where did Sparacus say that?

2) The Dark Knight Rises is without a doubt, the best film I've seen in years. I've seen it three times and each time, it's still been utterly, utterly brilliant. Prometheus had a good first hour and then went downhill.

Youth of Australia said...

Sparacus He Say:
Olag Gan was not "a serial-killing rapist". This is a case of putting two & two together and making 85.

Honest.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

So you're saying Alan Stevens is less sensible than Sparacus?

...I probably shouldn't be surprised, really. I've had better conversations with Sparacus.

Youth of Australia said...

And to put it in context, sparacus is the same person ranting that the Doctor is Rassilon's son, Cassandra was misunderstood, RTD personally created Torchwood for sparacus himself, and that xenophobic patriotism is the core ethos of Doctor Who.

And not even HE believes in the Cat Strangler.

You cannot be pwned more than that, IMO.

Miles Reid said...

Occasionally Sparacus listens. This is the guy I had an argument with over implied rape and mysogyny.

The only time I've ever had a conversation with Alan Stevens, there was the case of replying while seeming to scream 'MY OPINION MATTERS MORE, NOT LISTENING LAH LAH LAH.'

Youth of Australia said...

Let's be honest, he's just not subtle enough to IMPLY rape. Imply ANYTHING.

The misogyny was deliberate though.