Nigel: And you honestly expect anyone - let alone the Big N - to believe that?
[Andrew says nothing. Starts the washing up.]
Dave: You think he's making it up?
Nigel: Making it up? Harry Potter is "making it up". Climate change denial is "making it up". That cliche-ridden soap of self-contradictory... GARBAGE is "fucking deranged". If Red Simons was here, he'd boo Andrew off stage. You'd get a lifelong ban from Thank God You're Here for coming up with arrant bollocks like that!
[Andrew glances back at Nigel, but doesn't say anything.]
Nigel: See? Another one of his fantasies! Only SLIGHTLY more convincing than you, Dave, having sex with that brunette at Manly Beach last New Year's Eve! At least I can imagine how you got that impression - probably passed out drunk next to her when she was bonking someone else and got confused, but... [shakes head] Seriously? I know you have some bizarre lack of respect for my intellect, Antonie...
Andrew: I wonder why.
Nigel: ...but come on! My long-lost mum was running a conspiracy engulfing all our lives and carrying out a masterplan so complicated the writers of Kaldor City rang up and told all concerned to keep it simple? GET REAL!
[Nigel gets up and wanders over to Andrew.]
Nigel: I mean, seriously...
Andrew: Stop saying seriously.
Nigel: OK. Fine! But do you really believe anyone believes those stories you go on about? Mr. "Dead Siamese Brother Hermit Brothel Live-In-Cook Junkie Girlfriend Run Over Part Time DI And Sci Fi Writer"? Is any of that credible?
Dave: What do you think happened then?
Nigel: I think nothing. I know the truth.
Andrew: And that is?
Nigel: [deep breath] The Russian Kid locked me in the death trap, he got locked in too...
[We see the relevent scenes.]
Nigel: [vo] His stupid goons finally let him out.
[The Sinister Woman and her pals open the hatch and Magnus climbs out, shouting at them. They look apologetic.]
Nigel: [vo] Magnus decided to leave me there in the assumption I was radioctive enough to die and went on his merry way.
[Magnus is whisked off in his limousine, entourage in tow. Back in the maze, Nigel lies sprawled lifelessly on the ground by the door.]
Nigel: [vo] But, because they were such inefficient morons, I was barely sterilized.
[Nigel groans awake, gets up and stumbles up through the door. In a daze he stumbles down the stairwell and eventually out a fire escape. Groggily he staggers off into the night, limping painfully.]
Nigel: [vo] I was, admittedly, a bit worse for wear but I'm tougher than they thought.
[Nigel pushes open the door to his room in Benny's place and then crashes down on his bed, face-down, unconscious. Fade through to the next day. Nigel lifts his head, then falls back down again.]
Nigel: [vo] I spent a lot of the rest of the week dozing, hallucinating about Amicus horror films, and keeping low in case Magnus was still on the prowl.
[Nigel wakes up again. Gabby is beside him on the bed, stroking his face.]
Nigel: [vo] It took me ages to recover, and it turned out Magnus had got himself killed.
[Back to the flat.]
Nigel: A version of events, I might add, that Gabby would confirm if she were here. So, Andrew of the Beeblebabble, YOU got any witnesses to support your story?
Andrew: [casually] No.
Nigel: How convenient. [to Dave] Pack of lies he invented off the top of his head to annoy the hell out of the people in the tax office. Which, admittedly, is an honorable enough intention.
Dave: Is he right? Did you really just make all that up?
Andrew: Course I did.
Nigel: Course he did. [blinks] What?
Andrew: Made the whole thing up. Well, not all of it. Gabs did pop round and ask me where the hell you'd got to. We checked Benny's place, found you on the bed.
[Dave does not believe a word of this.]
Andrew: [annoyed] STOP SAYING "SERIOUSLY"!!!
Nigel: Tch. You're getting old, Drew. You never used to admit the truth. [haughty] Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed with you.
Andrew: You can imagine how heart-broken I am to learn that.
Nigel: Yeah, I can, actually - coz I've got a better imagination than you, Luxan.
Andrew: I know. I couldn't believe the things that you believe about yourself.
Nigel: And that, I think is the final word on it. Goodnight, gullible suckers.
[Nigel retires to his room. A moment later he returns.]
Nigel: [pointing to Andrew] Oh, VERY amusing! Just remember, buster, I've had a Russian gangster tried to kill me - no one has ever given a crap about you!
Andrew: You're probably right.
Nigel: I know I am.
Andrew: Night, Nige.
Nigel: Hmph. Night, Miss Helen Demidemco.
[Andrew and Dave exchange looks of confusion.]
Andrew & Dave: Who?
Nigel: What am I? Wikipedia? Look her up yourselves. I have beauty sleep and a DVD of Buffy the Vampire Season 8 Motion Comic to watch, which is as Andrew's stories as cream is to CHRIS LILLEY'S EXCREMENT!!!
[Nigel storms into his room, slamming the door shut behind him.]
Andrew: Just think. I could still be living on my own right now.
Dave: Um... you weren't lying, were you?
Andrew: I was. I was lying about lying. Or telling the truth about telling the truth. It gets confusing when you're me.
Dave: But that stuff about his mum... that was true, right?
[Andrew doesn't say anything.]
Dave: I've read your short stories, Drew, there is no WAY you came up with a plot that intricate and logical on your own - where were the dayglo thermonuclear dolphins?
Andrew: Heh. [empties sink] I'm not responsible for Nigel, thank the Bhudda. And those that ARE responsible for him let him believe what he believes. Who am I to argue with those fate has put in authority?
Dave: Usually the first in line.
Andrew: Oi! Don't tell ME who I can and can't argue with! Some people believe in god, some believe in religion and Nigel believes he managed to escape a death trap without his estranged biological mother saving his gluteous maximus. Unlike Richard Dawkins, I have better things to do than ridicule the delusions of idiots.
[Nigel pokes his head out the door.]
Nigel: None of this is making it sound any more convincing, you know!
Dave: Oh get back to watching Buffy and Satsu lez it up!
[Nigel flips them the bird and slams the door again.]
Andrew: On the other hand, maybe Gabs was right and I am a total and utter bastard who torments Nigel in every way possible.
Dave: Got to admit, the Mythbusters would dub that "PLAUSIBLE".
[Andrew and Dave head back for the couch.]
Dave: So what happened with the whole Exorcism thing?
Andrew: Oh, who cares? I'm bored talking about my life. You do some of the conversation for a change.
Dave: What should I talk about?
Andrew: There must be something interesting that's ever happened to you when Nigel or myself was not present.
[Dave shrugs helplessly. Andrew sighs, then picks up a paperback.]
Dave: Mind you, there was that one time, back when I was with Jadi and Phe...
Andrew: This the one about that hybrid car that was possessed by the devil?
Dave: Hmmm? Oh. No. Totally different.
[Andrew sighs and drops the paperback.]
Andrew: All right, David. Lay it on me.
Dave: [clears throat] Well --
[Freeze frame, ala Revelation of the Daleks.]
NEVER THE END...