Nigel: I don't believe this! This isn't a changing room, it's a storeroom!
How am I supposed to get in character with servers and computers and
monitors and filing cabinets with special locks? It's going to stifle my
Andrew: Stifle be the operative word. It's hot, isn't it?
Nigel: Dear God, you're right. I'm starting to perspire even as I speak!
Dave, be a tool and get the suit out, will you?
Dave: Wow. Big head.
Nigel: Christ, it's more terrifying than the last one. What's with all those
bits of foam around it?
Andrew: They're part of the suit.
Andrew: They are.
Nigel: I have to wear this? I'll look like a cross between an empty cicada
shell and... and...
Dave: A Slitheen?
Nigel: Yes! No one could score dressed like that!
Andrew: You're the Easter Bunny.
Nigel: Yes. An ancient anglo saxon fertility symbol.
Dave: That's what this suit is for, then.
Nigel: Give me strength. I have to dress up in this fetishistic foam body
suit AND have a fur suit strapped over the top? I thought it would just be a
white fur pyjama set like last time.
Andrew: This is what you get for signing up with professionals.
Nigel: Oh god. The fur alone weighs more than your ego! Oh well...
(He puts the suit on.)
Nigel: (very muffled) How do I look?
Andrew: I struggle to think of an answer that doesn't include "Donnie
Dave: Hang on, what's this?
Andrew: Some kind of harness... full of bottles.
Andrew: I think they've given you a belt of drinks.
Dave: Why can't I open them then?
Nigel: Because they're not for drinking you unreliable heathens! They're
freezer packs! Put them in the freezer!
Andrew: OK, OK. They'll be halfway cold in two hours.
Nigel: Good. I survived a seven hour stint at the last place. A two hour
stint in this one-horse mall will be easy.
(One hour later...)
Nigel: Oh god! Face... melting! Internal organs cooking! Must... speak...
Andrew: The superhuman Verkoff fails again.
Nigel: I had a different suit before. And it was much cooler. That head is
full of foam! I can barely breathe in there, let alone see!
Dave: Your packs aren't frozen yet.
Nigel: Don't care. Give them over.
Andrew: OK. You'll have to take off your suit first...
Nigel: Fuck that. Give them. I'll just shove it down the front and... there.
You see, cooling all ready.
Dave: OK, you ready?
Nigel: (head on) Born ready...
(Half an hour later)
Nigel: God I'm hot. These packs aren't cooling me down at all. Maybe if I...
ah yeah, if I lean back, they fall against my chest. Ah, nice and cool.
Andrew: You know, Dave, the idea strikes me that that harness was designed
for a reason.
Dave: Does it?
Andrew: Indeed it does. Designed to be tied around the torso.
Nigel: You know, come to mention it, I'm feeling a little groggy.
Dave: Lean back more and let the packs work.
Andrew: And it was designed to be tied around the torso for a reason and
presumably not around the neck.
Dave: What's your point?
Nigel: Feeling VERY groggy actually.
Dave: That wearing around the neck is wrong?
Andrew: Think about it. What are the packs cooling down?
Nigel: Oh, Christ... everything's spinning...
Andrew: The area below Nigel's neck to be precise. Heart and lungs.
Dave: So? The coolth will disperse and cool him all down eventually.
Andrew: Yes, but in the meantime...
Nigel: Ohhhhhhh man... Gonna be sick now...
Dave: In the meantime?
Andrew: His heart will be cooling down, yes?
Andrew: But the rest of him is still hot and, presumably getting hotter.
Nigel: Agh.... agh... please... oh gof.... can't... breathe...
Andrew: So we have boiling hot blood rushing into a very cold heart.
Dave: Sort of like cold water on a hot tin can.
Nigel: Oh... god... heart attack... going to die... never see Planet of the
Dave: You read the Highest Science, didn't you?
Nigel: No... just... synopsis... agh...
Andrew: Oh, get over it. Drink this cold water, stay still and shut the hell
(They leave Nigel on their own. Guard enters.)
Guard: Um. Hi.
Nigel: ...yeah... hi.
Guard: Why are you sitting next to the servers in your underwear?
Nigel: I'm the Easter Bunny.
Nigel: I got the Kalesi Virus! OK?
Guard: Oh. You overheated in suit. Sissy. Oh well, I need to use the
Nigel: And I need the use of my legs. Life's harsh, isn't it?
Guard: Fine. Hold open the door.
Nigel: Um. OK.
Guard: Some silly bitch left her card in an ATM, I got to check the security
(A long hour passes as the guard stands there checking the monitors,
squashed up against Nigel, holding the door open so they can both fit in.
Andrew: You dead yet?
Nigel: Not quite.
Andrew: K. We'll come back later then.
(Another fifteen minutes. Guard finally leaves in disgust.)
Guard: I don't have to put up with this. That cow can suffer.
Guard: Oh, die already, sissy.
Nigel: Wow. To think I could be so humiliated NOT being dressed as a giant