Saturday, August 20, 2011


Yeah, you can follow toyline_assembly's suggestion, but unfortunately the answer will be "fuck the lot of you". You don't do a thing to help when I ask, well, you get the exact same treatment. In particular I dearly hope you suffer eight pints of bloodloss from a severed artery to his wrist, which will allow you to share my current suffering and maybe get you all to SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE.

There's a reason why none of you hypocritical assholes can get into the Archive. And never will - bar one of you, who is pretending they can't for some unaccountable reason.

Meantime, some more positive gags of a chathamological bent.

About the Contributors

ARCO CHAMBER is 19 years of age, and fled to Australia as an exchange student when planes started crashing into buildings. Since then he spends a lot of time on the internet, being surprisingly clever but unsurprisingly unconstructive. He penned the horror tale Children Shouldn’t Play With Cybermen, but the attempted sequels of All Tomorrow’s Parties and Forbidden Territories never really worked out for some unaccountable reason. A total control freak and chronically lazy, he is that most dangerous combination of a man who could conquer the world if he just got out of bed in the morning. In the meantime, short stories will have to do.

BENJAMIN S. CHATHAM is unwilling to disclose how old he is, and uncertain as to what his middle name is – it could be Sebastian, it could be James, we just don’t know. Although he professes to be a popular, multitalented homosexual amateur archaeologist, the fact is he’s a lazy drunken layabout with no friends and a string of ex-girlfriends who thought he was crap in and out of bed. A lifetime of absinthe abuse has lead to him to start to believe he’s not merely a fan of Doctor Who but actually a main character who has his own XXX-rated spin-off series The Ben Chatham Adventures that basically consist of remakes of The Green Death only with lots more schoolgirls with their throats ripped out.

MAURICE DE LACEY is only writing for this collection to make up the numbers. He has no real interest in Doctor Who, science fiction or the phallocentric pagan sun gods worshipped by the shape-shifting reptiloids that run the local council under direct orders from the Illuminati. He also doesn’t take his medication.

CAITLYN JANUARY is a successful university student working towards a law degree, having achieved excellent academic achievements despite her being a natural blonde, hideously insecure about the size of her breasts, still a virgin, and being helplessly and completely in love with another of the writers for this book. She prefers Red Dwarf, Blake’s 7 and Stargate: Universe, but nevertheless has a lot of time for Doctor Who and her favorite Doctor is Sylvester McCoy.

THEODORE KLYNGIROPHEL, or “Andrew Beeblebabble” as his friends call to him, is clinically insane and has been since he received permanent brain damage from having his dead Siamese twin surgically removed from him just after he was born. Since then he’s been a primary school drop-out, beggar, live-in cook at a King’s Cross brothel, a part-time shop assistant and full time renaissance man who dabbles in home duties, advanced cyber-surgery, amateur crime-fighting, cryptozoology, water-painting and writing very, very bad science fiction. His only completed audio play, Doctor Who and the Hidden Bonus, was actually rather crap – but only because it was more fun than doing something good.

EVELYN MARKSON is the only legitimate daughter of Samuel Markson, head of EuroGlobe Industries and the 33rd richest man in the Solar System. She admits she only got into Doctor Who because David Tennant gave her “the screaming thigh-sweats”, but has since admitted City of Death was damn good. She knows an incredible amount about the show, since she only has three friends and they don’t do much else beyond sitting around all day watching it. She is currently back-packing across Greece with her long-time girlfriend and thinks the New Paradigm Daleks look completely shithouse.

DAVID RESTAL lives in the same apartment with three of the other writers, has a dead-end job working in a video store, is estranged from his rather odd family and suffering severe bouts of crippling anxiety and depression. Having lost his best friend and the only girl he’ll ever love, Doctor Who is probably the only thing keeping him from ending it all with an overdose of whatever pills he can find in the medicine cabinet. He’s also prone to whining a lot about how miserable he is.

ALEXANDER SORNE was an academic failure and completely unemployable, and even turning his squalid bungalow into an exclusive art gallery didn’t help. He nevertheless has been a life long fan of Doctor Who, he just doesn’t care that much about it. His favorite story is the one with the Kandyman.

NIGEL VERKOFF is many things – a pop star, playwright, sexual athlete, white-collar criminal, pathological liar and more. He has written and appeared in countless Big Finish stories including (deep breath) Fan & Phantasmagoria, The Actual History of Beer, The Cyb-Fest, Faith Dealer, The Dreaming, Caption: 1872, Dustbin Umpire 0: Terri’s Firmer, Orange, The Rip-Off, The Sequel, Interesting Times, Id, 300, The Girl Who Never Was A Virgin, Sympathy for the Devil, Fly Charley to the Moon! and, come to think of it, countless more we can’t be arsed to write down here and now. Verkoff has appeared as Adam Mitchell in five episodes of the Welsh revival of the series (and a corresponding Touchwood episode) and thus directly responsible for Christopher Eccleston quitting in 2005. Bastard.

RUPERT WOOSING-GARD is Arco Chamber’s flatmate and when he wants to grow up he wants to be a mad scientist. In the meantime, he has got the completely inexplicable nickname of “Dr. Spoon” even though he is not a doctor in any way, shape or form despite people constantly coming to him for help with twisted ankles, heatstroke, chronic fatigue syndrome or virgin births. He prefers Patrick Troughton to Matt Smith and is convinced Nicholas Briggs’ Audio Visual plays are a canonical depiction of the Time War. He is also an albino who likes dressing up as Tom Baker, but no one ever really mentions it nowadays.


Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said... there some sort of Doctor Who Forum drama ongoing?

Youth of Australia said...

Meh. I'm still quick to take offense.

See, they want to know the answer to a question - a very, very PATHETIC question - and I am the only one who can provide it. I am annoyed at the fact they find this topic of such magnitude they want to contact me over it, despite my attempts to contact THEM over the totally unfair and illogical bannings of us both.

Just rubs me up the wrong way, kind of like that story of the little bird who grows some wheat, bakes some bread then makes a sandwhich - and NOW all his friends are willing to help him eat it, when they were boneidle mofos who let him slave on all the other parts of the process.

I mean, I nearly died but these people are only interested in contacting me for some truly, monumentally would-not-get-on-the-Einstein-Factor-if-it-still-existed lame trivia.

It. Annoys. Me.

However, as I type this I am but minutes away from a copy of Let's Kill Hitler, which hopefully will balance out this detestable situation. I mean, anything where Rory beats the shit out of Adolf with his bare hands should we worth checking out...

AMY: [to deathbot] We come in peace!
RORY: [running like fuck] Does that EVER work?!?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Oh... Doctor Who's back then?

See, I was so excited by that cliffhanger I forgot the season was still ongoing...

Anyway, I'm assuming it's Chatham-related... so fuck those guys. I understand where you're coming from now. It's a little beyond annoying when the people who help to keep you banned want to get something from you on their demand, although I don't think it's happened to me. We ain't no dancing chimps, bitch!

Youth of Australia said...

Oh... Doctor Who's back then?
So it seems.

See, I was so excited by that cliffhanger I forgot the season was still ongoing...
Heh. No, I know what you mean. It's like, I'm glad it's back and fully intend to watch it, and it looks like it will be entertaining...

...but I don't really give a crap. It seems Moff's cunning plan to keep DW in the running order every three months has caused the intense apathy that RTD rightly feared.

Anyway, I'm assuming it's Chatham-related... so fuck those guys. I understand where you're coming from now. It's a little beyond annoying when the people who help to keep you banned want to get something from you on their demand,
Especially as the ringleader delights in regularly taking the piss out of me (and my avatar) every chance he gets on the forum anyway.

although I don't think it's happened to me. We ain't no dancing chimps, bitch
[Bill Oddie]RIGHT ON, SWEETHEART![/Bill]

Seen the latest Torchwood? I found everything after Q and Kiera bitching at each other in the wrong sci-fi franchise rather tame and uninvolving...

Youth of Australia said...

Hmmm. Just seen LKH. First impressions? I liked it a lot, particularly the way it basically says "RIGHT! Now THAT crap is out of the way, let's get back to normal..."

I dare say you will like Alex Kingston's line "River Song? What a stupid name!"

Only trouble is next week is a Mark Gatiss story that wasn't considered good enough for the first run...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Ah, well, Gatiss has failed to offend me with his TV stories so far. They've all been pretty unremarkable for me, actually. The Dalek one has been the only memorable one..

Youth of Australia said...

Mmm. Objectively, this one doesn't look it will be memorable. Bar Jim Keats fighting giant china dolls.

Nevertheless, a big deal is made about it being a standalone ep (shock - Gatiss is public that despises writing anything else, for good or ill).

Miles Reid said...

Just been on the Chatham forum for the first time in probably six months.

...That's just creepy to visit. It's some kind of horror story, the main character returns to the haunted houe after six months (having fled in terror) to find everyine still there, clearly out of their heads with insanity, all naked and eating each other's poo.

Because it'd just be rude to eat their own.

I'm glad I left.

Youth of Australia said...

Good summary. I mean, they LITERALLY have gone all peculiar, praising themselves for aping the style of something they only got interested in for being UTTERLY CRAP IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Still, that's the price you pay for gazing into the abyss too long. We were right to get out before it was too late.

Miles Reid said...

Essentially, the Chatham forum has become the Lovecraft story- 'The Colour from Space'

Youth of Australia said...


Seriously though, just how dumb were that family in TCFOS? I mean, "Hmmm. Something fell out of the sky and landed in our backyard which now glows in the dark, all the lifestock is mutating and my hair's falling out. I know, I'll shove this dangerous object into OUR MAIN FUCKING WATER SUPPLY - what could possibly go wrong?

Youth of Australia said...

Actually, on second thoughts, "The Lurking Fear" would be a better summary. Coz, you know, lurking - internet forums, etc.

Plus the whole scenario of finding an warren full of inbred cannibalistic degenerates isolated from the rest of civilization because of the demented obsession of an aristocratic drunkard of abnormal smoothness, that sort of fits the bill.

HP Lovecraft: summing up internet forums since Cthulu hit the snooze button.

Next on Sick, Sad World: How "From Beyond" is actually about the flamewars when Eccleston quit and why "The Unnameable" refers to the New Dalek Paradigm!

Miles Reid said...

They didn't throw it in the well though. By that time, the asteroid had dissolved and had gone into the soil, then the well... then they went crazy.

Youth of Australia said...

But the thing comes out of the well at the very end! Might have to reread it...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Haven't read any Lovecraft

*Loses 10,000 internets*

Youth of Australia said...

Meh. No big deal. He was a tad limited when it came to prose (there are only so many times the narrator can go mad before you start to wonder "can you even work out a PLOT, HP?")

Oh, I gotta link somewhere...

Tell you truth, I find the novelization of The Awakening scarier than anything Lovecraft ever did...

The silence of centuries returned to the crypt. And noiselessly, as if he was part of that silence, the man appeared.

Moving sideways like a ghostly crab, he slipped out of the cover of an archway and humped his aching body across the floor.

He reached the steps and craned his neck to look up the empty staircase. Although the dim light still did not reveal his features, it was strong enough to show that there was something wrong with his face.

Something terribly, sickeningly wrong.

Matthew Blanchette said...

LKH really floored me. I had no idea we were getting THAT MUCH PLOT in one ep.

Hell of a ride, though. :-)

Youth of Australia said...

There wasn't actually much plot between Mel's revelation and the final snog, when you think about it.

Matthew Blanchette said...

Hmmmm... I dunno, character development? The Teselecta was a pretty cool thing to do on the BBC's budget (I'm glad it wasn't moved around on strings...), but the set up of Mels, right after the opening titles... and then she's their Melody? Holy crap.

If nothing else, the regeneration certainly vindicates Douglas Adams in the case of Destiny of the Daleks, don't you think? ;-)