There's a reason why none of you hypocritical assholes can get into the Archive. And never will - bar one of you, who is pretending they can't for some unaccountable reason.
Meantime, some more positive gags of a chathamological bent.
About the Contributors
ARCO CHAMBER is 19 years of age, and fled to Australia as an exchange student when planes started crashing into buildings. Since then he spends a lot of time on the internet, being surprisingly clever but unsurprisingly unconstructive. He penned the horror tale Children Shouldn’t Play With Cybermen, but the attempted sequels of All Tomorrow’s Parties and Forbidden Territories never really worked out for some unaccountable reason. A total control freak and chronically lazy, he is that most dangerous combination of a man who could conquer the world if he just got out of bed in the morning. In the meantime, short stories will have to do.
BENJAMIN S. CHATHAM is unwilling to disclose how old he is, and uncertain as to what his middle name is – it could be Sebastian, it could be James, we just don’t know. Although he professes to be a popular, multitalented homosexual amateur archaeologist, the fact is he’s a lazy drunken layabout with no friends and a string of ex-girlfriends who thought he was crap in and out of bed. A lifetime of absinthe abuse has lead to him to start to believe he’s not merely a fan of Doctor Who but actually a main character who has his own XXX-rated spin-off series The Ben Chatham Adventures that basically consist of remakes of The Green Death only with lots more schoolgirls with their throats ripped out.
MAURICE DE LACEY is only writing for this collection to make up the numbers. He has no real interest in Doctor Who, science fiction or the phallocentric pagan sun gods worshipped by the shape-shifting reptiloids that run the local council under direct orders from the Illuminati. He also doesn’t take his medication.
CAITLYN JANUARY is a successful university student working towards a law degree, having achieved excellent academic achievements despite her being a natural blonde, hideously insecure about the size of her breasts, still a virgin, and being helplessly and completely in love with another of the writers for this book. She prefers Red Dwarf, Blake’s 7 and Stargate: Universe, but nevertheless has a lot of time for Doctor Who and her favorite Doctor is Sylvester McCoy.
THEODORE KLYNGIROPHEL, or “Andrew Beeblebabble” as his friends call to him, is clinically insane and has been since he received permanent brain damage from having his dead Siamese twin surgically removed from him just after he was born. Since then he’s been a primary school drop-out, beggar, live-in cook at a King’s Cross brothel, a part-time shop assistant and full time renaissance man who dabbles in home duties, advanced cyber-surgery, amateur crime-fighting, cryptozoology, water-painting and writing very, very bad science fiction. His only completed audio play, Doctor Who and the Hidden Bonus, was actually rather crap – but only because it was more fun than doing something good.
EVELYN MARKSON is the only legitimate daughter of Samuel Markson, head of EuroGlobe Industries and the 33rd richest man in the Solar System. She admits she only got into Doctor Who because David Tennant gave her “the screaming thigh-sweats”, but has since admitted City of Death was damn good. She knows an incredible amount about the show, since she only has three friends and they don’t do much else beyond sitting around all day watching it. She is currently back-packing across Greece with her long-time girlfriend and thinks the New Paradigm Daleks look completely shithouse.
DAVID RESTAL lives in the same apartment with three of the other writers, has a dead-end job working in a video store, is estranged from his rather odd family and suffering severe bouts of crippling anxiety and depression. Having lost his best friend and the only girl he’ll ever love, Doctor Who is probably the only thing keeping him from ending it all with an overdose of whatever pills he can find in the medicine cabinet. He’s also prone to whining a lot about how miserable he is.
ALEXANDER SORNE was an academic failure and completely unemployable, and even turning his squalid bungalow into an exclusive art gallery didn’t help. He nevertheless has been a life long fan of Doctor Who, he just doesn’t care that much about it. His favorite story is the one with the Kandyman.
NIGEL VERKOFF is many things – a pop star, playwright, sexual athlete, white-collar criminal, pathological liar and more. He has written and appeared in countless Big Finish stories including (deep breath) Fan & Phantasmagoria, The Actual History of Beer, The Cyb-Fest, Faith Dealer, The Dreaming, Caption: 1872, Dustbin Umpire 0: Terri’s Firmer, Orange, The Rip-Off, The Sequel, Interesting Times, Id, 300, The Girl Who Never Was A Virgin, Sympathy for the Devil, Fly Charley to the Moon! and, come to think of it, countless more we can’t be arsed to write down here and now. Verkoff has appeared as Adam Mitchell in five episodes of the Welsh revival of the series (and a corresponding Touchwood episode) and thus directly responsible for Christopher Eccleston quitting in 2005. Bastard.
RUPERT WOOSING-GARD is Arco Chamber’s flatmate and when he wants to grow up he wants to be a mad scientist. In the meantime, he has got the completely inexplicable nickname of “Dr. Spoon” even though he is not a doctor in any way, shape or form despite people constantly coming to him for help with twisted ankles, heatstroke, chronic fatigue syndrome or virgin births. He prefers Patrick Troughton to Matt Smith and is convinced Nicholas Briggs’ Audio Visual plays are a canonical depiction of the Time War. He is also an albino who likes dressing up as Tom Baker, but no one ever really mentions it nowadays.