Wednesday, December 29, 2010

FFS, Gabriel Chase (2010 roundup)

While I can't deny my raging hatred for this tosser has dimmed to bare recognition, I am if nothing else a creature of habit, so he's the "constant evolutions" to be found on his Saturday Teatime Guild.

Whilst the Welsh series now enjoys daily screenings on UKTV's Watch channel, the original languishes in TV limbo.

Boo freaking hoo. The fact half of them can be found on youtube is balanced by the fact the other half are available on shiny silver things called DVDs - though such infernal technological devices are presumably an "abomination", right, GC?

Now, here's a challenge only GC could provide - what could you get to make Ron Mallet, sparacus, Mad Larry, RTD and a man off the street with only the vaguest knowledge of the show put aside all disagreements and stand united in COMPLETE AND UTTER CONTEMPT?

The present version of the show is very much establishment. It blandly conforms to current socio-political ideals regarding escapist adventure. It is designed purely to appeal to the lowest common denominator. It looks good and sounds good, but says nothing. There are no socio-political questions posed to make the viewer think, no ideas put forward that might make the viewer consider there may be alternatives to the bland confection presented by our broadcasters - with the possible exception of The Empty Child which is a very good analogue of the Welsh series, superficially similar to the original but totally lacking anything beneath the surface.


...


Suffice it to say, when other internet trolls don't think they're bigoted and ignorant enough, they turn to Master Chase here.

Meanwhile, in the "Who Myths Debunked" with such well-known howlers as "Doctor Who is not a children's programme!", "Mary Tamm was never topless in the Sweeny!", "The Beatles were never in Doctor Who!" and "Manchester sucks!" there's THIS howler...

Matt Smith will be the Eleventh Doctor.
Bizarelly, written after A Christmas Carol screened (by which the "will be" bit is surely inaccurate since he's played the Doctor for a year already...). Though it seems in the GC universe, that episode is still on the drawing board and has yet to be screened.

It is the belief of this site that the original Doctor Who and the Welsh series are separate entities,
So why are you bothering to write this?!

and that both are parts of a greater whole, encompassing the films, stageplays, radio serials and webcasts.
So they're NOT separate entities.

In which case there have been at least fifteen Doctors already, not counting another six which were portrayed in parodies of the show.
So parodies are canon now?

In addition to the seven featured in the original series, Paul McGann in the American pilot
As the eighth. Specifically after the Seventh.

and the three in the Welsh series,
Making Matt Smith the eleventh. See how this makes sense?

Trevor Martin portrayed the Doctor midway between his third and fourth incarnations in the 1974 stageplay Seven Keys to Doomsday,
Actually no. He played the Fourth Doctor full stop. Or the Seventh Doctor in the AVs. Actually, why am I even arguing?

David Banks played an un-numbered incarnation in the 1989 stageplay The Ultimate Adventure,
Once. For half a show. What with him being understudied. Is Edmund Warwick now counting as a separate Doctor for being a stunt double?

whilst Richard E.Grant was officially labeled the Ninth Doctor in the 2003 webcast Scream of the Shalka.
And then officially labeled uncanonical by the BBC.

Peter Cushing and William Hurndall's
Richard Hurdnall, you tit.

appearances in the films and The Five Doctors respectively were as alternative First Doctors,
So, ergo, they don't prevent Matt being the eleventh.

whilst Michael Jayston's Valeyard character in The Trial of a Time Lord was supposed to be the Doctor somewhere between his twelfth and thirteenth regenerations.
And thus after Matt. So?!

If we factor in the parodies of Doctor Who
...WHY?!

featured in Crackerjack! and Comic Relief, Don MacLean played an alternative Fourth Doctor in the former, whilst Rowan Atkinson played a Ninth Doctor in the Curse of Fatal Death skit featured in the latter.
Why stop there? What about Rob Stitch? Jon Culshaw? Frank Gallager? Mark Gatiss? You can't open the gates and stop there!

In fact, this latter parody added four further incarnations in the forms of Richard E.Grant (playing the Tenth Doctor before he played the Ninth), Jim Broadbent, Hugh Grant and Joanna Lumley, thus making thirteen.
And who wrote COFD? The same bloke who says it isn't canon! Christ on a bike.

Which, if you take into account all the various forms of Doctor Who produced since 1963, makes Matt Smith at least the nineteenth or twentieth Doctor - which is a physical impossibility even for a Time Lord!
a) "507"
b) The Matt Smith Doctor describes himself as "eleventh" on screen, after several flashbacks confirming that
c) does GC really honestly REALLY think people will read his paragraph and go "Cor, blimey! It turns out there are more Doctors if you count the crap on youtube! The new series is therefore utter shite! I done seen the light!"

...sigh...

Probably best to leave him for good this year.

14 comments:

Matthew Blanchette said...

Hey, I want to apologize for my stupid snit on your Christmas Carol post; I'm sorry about that, Ewen. :-(

Youth of Australia said...

Chill, MB. All's good.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

No love for Lenny Henry? Is Gabriel Chase racist on top of everything else?

Youth of Australia said...

Course he is - remember how he regularly dissed Freema Agyeman for "only being HALF-black"?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Oh, how could I forget. For a moment I mistook him for having more depth than a typical Captain Planet villain.

It IS handy to have a benchmark for the lowest possible ebb of the fandom, though..

I mean, Larry Miles has a lot of talent, Ron Mallet is at least amusing in some of his delusions, Alan Stevens puts his heart and soul into producing very professional EU material which is entertaining in spite of its flaws, Sparacus is.... well, he's Sparacus.

But yeah, GC doesn't really bring anything to the table.

Youth of Australia said...

Oh, how could I forget. For a moment I mistook him for having more depth than a typical Captain Planet villain.
I refer the honorable gentleman here: Guest Star.

It IS handy to have a benchmark for the lowest possible ebb of the fandom, though..
Guess so. Positive spin on things...

I mean, Larry Miles has a lot of talent,
Well. "Had". I think he imploded over Christmas and has yet to resurface...

Ron Mallet is at least amusing in some of his delusions,
Similarly vanished into the void.

Alan Stevens
Irritatingly still with us.

Sparacus
Nuff. Said.

But yeah, GC doesn't really bring anything to the table.
You realize that his banner of
"If you're 40-something and consider Russell T.Davies' version of your favourite show to be an abomination against all mankind, this site is for you." is now hopelessly out of date? It makes his "constant evolution" promises more and more ridiculous. Mind you, the "JNT Must Go!" material dates it even more...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I refer the honorable gentleman here: Guest Star.

Well, QED good sir. The highlight for me was the abrupt and somewhat out-of-place "David Dixon would've been better!" I mean, I have to agree, but it kinda came out of nowhere...

Guess so. Positive spin on things...

Well I've been kicked out of my house, slagged off, gotten food poisoning, done my hamstrings, missed two parties, and made two 7.50 am starts this week. I like positive spins.

Well. "Had". I think he imploded over Christmas and has yet to resurface...

I wanted to see what his fans on the FP fanboards would have to say about his Christmas post. They were quite sadly quiet on the matter. I did like this little tidbit as an excellent indication of what his core fan base is like, though....

to see that Larry at that stage actually considered evolving into Remote-like "media reception terminals" as not only the future of humanity, but something that could be welcomed (even Utopian). I don't think anyone's written an article teasing these implications out, and I may well do so, or just wrap the ideas into my opera.

Similarly vanished into the void.

He will be missed.... possibly.

Did I ever use the gag about a character wielding a weapon named The Ron Mallet? It was an awful pun just waiting for a whiff of context...

Irritatingly still with us.

One of the things he's done that annoys me most is an interview with Sally Knyvette where he basically told her "Your character's dead and that's that so she can never come back", telling her none of the context.

I don't think I'd have any problem with him if he didn't behave as though his own interpretation of the TV series was the only possible correct one.

Youth of Australia said...

Well, QED good sir. The highlight for me was the abrupt and somewhat out-of-place "David Dixon would've been better!" I mean, I have to agree, but it kinda came out of nowhere...
Yeah, DD woulda been awesome. But, hell, Neil Pearson would have been good too. So what? Davison rocked anyway.

Well I've been kicked out of my house, slagged off, gotten food poisoning, done my hamstrings, missed two parties, and made two 7.50 am starts this week. I like positive spins.
Aw hell, man. I'm sorry. They've really chucked you out?

I don't think anyone's written an article teasing these implications out, and I may well do so, or just wrap the ideas into my opera.
ROTFLMAO.

"Mad Larry!: The Broadway Musical!"

featuring such classics as
"Moffat Power Pat Makes Me Sad!"
"Springtime for Catherine Tate!"
"I Hate Everyone and Everything In Modern Television!"
"Why Won't Lisa Bowerman Shag Me?"
"The Gelth Are Immigrants!"
"Neil Gaiman Is A Sex Offender!"
"Hoochie Coochie Man!"
"BURN IN HELL ALL OF YOU!"
and many, many more.

Did I ever use the gag about a character wielding a weapon named The Ron Mallet? It was an awful pun just waiting for a whiff of context...
LOL.

Irritatingly still with us.

One of the things he's done that annoys me most is an interview with Sally Knyvette where he basically told her "Your character's dead and that's that so she can never come back", telling her none of the context.
Which is dumb, since Jenna is the only one you have a clear chance for claiming is still alive. I mean, Blake deliberately talks about her and watches Tarrant's reaction. He's quite capable of lying through his teeth and as Servie said "No one is as free as a dead man."

Jenna's only really dead if you're in a cynical mood.

Unlike everyone else who requires at least SOME level of stone cold denial.

I don't think I'd have any problem with him if he didn't behave as though his own interpretation of the TV series was the only possible correct one.
Don't I know it. You know, I was once crazy enough to enjoy Terror of the Vervoids? Good thing old Alan put me straight that I was a racist xenophobic fool to find any merit in such a story.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Yeah, DD woulda been awesome. But, hell, Neil Pearson would have been good too. So what? Davison rocked anyway.

Yeah, they're all strong performers. I think the people who dislike McCoy so much are a bit short-sighted. He can be a limited performer, yes, but he played to his strengths and really gave his all to the role. Plus its hard to argue that he isn't credible as an alien.

Aw hell, man. I'm sorry. They've really chucked you out?

Whoop, need to find a better way to word it. Still the month's-notice thing. But I see it as they have simply kicked me out in advance. I don't like being in the house at the moment. Very bad vibes.

"Mad Larry!: The Broadway Musical!"

I would definitely watch it so I could complain about it on my blog, although half of the post would be about 9/11.

Which is dumb, since Jenna is the only one you have a clear chance for claiming is still alive.

I know, hence why it pissed me off.

SK: Ah, well, I'm one of the characters they can bring back, aren't I?

AS: Nope, we're told you died in the last episode.

SK: Oh. But just 'told' you say? As in, reported speech? I could still be alive.

AS: No. Blake says it.

SK: Oh, well, I suppose if Blake says it it has to be true.

ME: *FUUUUME*

Jenna's only really dead if you're in a cynical mood.

Sadly Alan's cynical mood began upon exiting the womb and has not yet abated...

You know, I was once crazy enough to enjoy Terror of the Vervoids? Good thing old Alan put me straight that I was a racist xenophobic fool to find any merit in such a story.

Shhh! He'll hear you!

Youth of Australia said...

Yeah, they're all strong performers. I think the people who dislike McCoy so much are a bit short-sighted.
Ironic. So is McCoy...

He can be a limited performer, yes, but he played to his strengths and really gave his all to the role. Plus its hard to argue that he isn't credible as an alien.
And he's been very good in BF this year. Particularly the one where he's dying and he has to tell Ace and Hex exactly how he feels about them. Very good stuff there, Sylv.

I don't like being in the house at the moment. Very bad vibes.
I know the feeling. Anything I can do to help?

I would definitely watch it so I could complain about it on my blog, although half of the post would be about 9/11.
Ironic, that's the score the critics gave!
*bad-um-tish!*

I know, hence why it pissed me off.
I mean... Jenna in a noble self-sacrifice? Can you see her being dumb enough to get caught in a situation that dangerous? Am I the only one to remember her effortlessly defeating Servalan and the Central Control Sham without even taking off her handbag?

SK: Oh, well, I suppose if Blake says it it has to be true.
In the very same episode he also claims to have betrayed the rebellion. Blake cannot lie!!!

Sadly Alan's cynical mood began upon exiting the womb and has not yet abated...
"And what was your son's first word, Mrs. Stevens?"
"'Subtext'."
"Mmmmmm."

Shhh! He'll hear you!
He can't, I'm not actually making any noise posting!

HAHA! PENDANTRY POWER!

*flies off into the distance*

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I know the feeling. Anything I can do to help?

Nothing off the top of my head. Maybe we should make an effort to meet up again some time.

I mean... Jenna in a noble self-sacrifice? Can you see her being dumb enough to get caught in a situation that dangerous? Am I the only one to remember her effortlessly defeating Servalan and the Central Control Sham without even taking off her handbag?

That's actually a very good point. She doesn't really lose her cynicism during her time with the crew, and doesn't stick her neck out when she doesn't have to..

"And what was your son's first word, Mrs. Stevens?"
"'Subtext'."
"Mmmmmm."


Lol.

Youth of Australia said...

Nothing off the top of my head. Maybe we should make an effort to meet up again some time.
Whenever's good for you, man. I'm well enough to stay upright for up to hours at a time now...

That's actually a very good point. She doesn't really lose her cynicism during her time with the crew, and doesn't stick her neck out when she doesn't have to..
Yet APPARENTLY she's been running blockades of psycho gunships on a planet where literally everyone would be trying to stop her smuggling, and has no kind of back up plan involving Blake being the one to arrest her, even though his whole scam relies on his "army" being officially dead.

But she DOES have a ridiculously powerful self-destruct to wipe out a whole battlefleet, not to mention all the supplies Blake needed and (presumably) one of the very few ships the rebellion had.

So, basically,

"Sally, in the last episode we've told you became a completely suicidal bimbo who ruined the rebellion by being a moron. And then you died. Because Blake never lies! NEVAH SAH!!!!"

"...OK, Alan, I'm going to get up and leave now..."

"NEVAH, SAH! NEVAHHHH!"

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Whenever's good for you, man. I'm well enough to stay upright for up to hours at a time now...

....damn, I keep forgetting about your near-death experience.

I'm also not great at knowing how long these sort of things take to recover from as I've mercifully been spared any hospital visits in spite of my injury-prone nature.

Youth of Australia said...

Eh, it's cool. Plus the scar looks like a graph for my physical health - sharp downward curve but slowly heading back to normal.

The quacks say I should be 100% by the end of February. I'am about 75% now (though roughly about 14% when I first facebooked it).