An Asian groceries store. Wynona is parked outside. Within, Andrew is looking through the herbs and spices racks while Nigel is arguing with the shop assistant in Japanese. Their words are //subtitled//.
ASSISTANT: //For the last time, sir, there is no Pizza Hut in the area! No Pizza Hut, no Pizza Geronimo, no Dominos, no Jubilee, no Cyclops.//
NIGEL: //No Italian takeaways at all? What is this? Are you telling me Pauline Hansen's Asian invasion was real?! This is the only shop bar the newsagent - there isn't even a Vietnamese bread shop to get pork rolls!//
ASSISTANT: //There is little demand for it, there are few people who live out here.//
NIGEL: //So you're telling me that apart from trains and a canal, this tiny patch of shops - one of which is a shut down scuba diving retailer - is all this sneeze on Google Maps has to offer?//
ASSISTANT: //You can always try the TAB. There are Italians there.//
NIGEL: //Oh? What sort of Italians?//
ASSISTANT: //Mafia, mainly, sir. They are quite friendly.//
NIGEL: //So where's the TAB?//
ASSISTANT: //Further down the lane, sir. Between the Elephant graveyard and the haunted tree sanctuary. If you see the gravel quarry, you've gone too far.//
NIGEL: //You have an ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD?//
ASSISTANT: //Oh, no. That's just a nickname. We don't know what half those skeletons are from. They could be elephants, they could be anything.//
NIGEL: //What's the name of this street, again?//
ASSISTANT: //Vampyre Lane, sir.//
ANDREW: //You know, Nige, I think we might have been better off in the inner city.//
Nigel nods, then double takes.
NIGEL: You can speak Japanese?!
ANDREW: No. Not a word. Why?
Dave is still sitting on the sofa, feet resting on the intruder's hand, impatiently shaking his mobile, which is attached to a charger. Eve is timidly examining the pot of rice.
DAVE: Come on, come on...
EVE: How did you let your phone battery get so flat?
DAVE: Our last neighbor liked playing with the electrics. After the third shock trying to get the bastard to charge, I decided it wasn't worth the hassle.
EVE: And your neighbour was actually your boss.
EVE: And he also tried to blow you all up with a bomb.
DAVE: Yeah. But, you know, it was that kind of relationship.
EVE: ...is the rice supposed to be this gooey?
DAVE: [shrugs] Beats me, I'm not the cook.
He rises and crosses to join her examining the rice. On the floor, the hand shakes itself painfully and retreats under the sofa. Dave scoops up a spoonful of white sludge.
DAVE: Yep. A bit overcooked.
EVE: You think Andrew'll be cross?
DAVE: Knowing Andrew, he'll probably have completely forgotten what it was supposed to be.
ANDREW: So, how come the tree sanctuary is haunted then?
NIGEL: Weren't we supposed to be buying some herbs or something?
ANDREW: Not now, Nige, grown-ups talking. [to assistant] Well? What's wrong with a patch of designated woodland?
In the background, Nigel rolls his eyes, walks off, snatches a loaf of bread, takes it to the counter, opens it and then starts adding random crap from around the shop - slices of bacon, cheese, some salad sauce, and makes a sandwich. Andrew for his part is fascinated by the assistant's tale...
ASSISTANT: It's a terrible place. The first thing you see are makeshift nooses from the tree, and there are patches of the ground literally buried in water bottles and empty packets of pills. Sometimes there are other things. Handbags, brushes, little possessions people took... You know, after the election they put up huge signs saying things like "YOUR FAMILY LOVES YOU" and "THINK AGAIN". But most of them now have decaying corpses hanging from them... they rot from the head down, you know? Still skin on the arms but not the skull... Slumped against trees. Tongues black. Sometimes limbs have dropped off and disappeared. The worst ones are the ones in their little tents. Just bones. Have you ever seen a skull picked clean, with moss starting to grow on it? The bones glow green in the moonlight...
NIGEL: So, do you bullshit ALL your customers like this?
ASSISTANT: This is no bullshit, sir! That tree sanctuary is infamous - many people lose their way in that place and never return, and they aren't going there to commit suicide...
ASSISTANT: Yes! The trees are incredibly dense and hard to navigate...
NIGEL: [completing the sentence] And compasses don't work there. At all.
ASSISTANT: Er... yes...
NIGEL: You haven't met anyone who's been to Mount Fuji then?
The assistant cringes slightly.
NIGEL: Or Aokigahara forest? THE Japanese hotspot for suicides? In fact, globally, it's second only the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco for sad tossers to throw themselves off. Got an average of 30 people a year, but can be as high as 70. Any of this ringing bells?
ASSISTANT: [slightly shamefaced] There may be some slight similarity.
Nigel takes the sandwich and bites it.
NIGEL: Tell you what, buster, we'll take these goods in lieu of the downright lies you've been telling us. No wonder you don't get many customers...
ASSISTANT: It's not what you think!
ANDREW: You don't want to KNOW what I think. Let's just say involves a phone, the police, and incarceration in a mental asylum.
ASSISTANT: It IS haunted!
NIGEL: Look, you bush pig, if ghosts are real then EVERYWHERE is haunted, isn't it?
Andrew and Nigel head out of the shop, taking their not-quite purchases with them.
NIGEL: You don't get this crap at City Convenience stores, do you?
ANDREW: No, you get a working ATM as well...
ASSISTANT: [to himself] You'll come back. [shouts] THEY ALWAYS COME BACK!
ANDREW: [vo] Name one!
ASSISTANT: PISS OFF!
Dave angrilly hangs up. Eve stands next to him.
DAVE: Cost him a fortune to install a carphone and what does he do? Leaves it off the hook! [sighs] Guess we'll just have to use the CCTV before we let them in. Of course we could just call the police, but I'm not sure I'll live long enough before they... [frowns] You all right?
Eve nods towards the patio. Dave turns.
DAVE: [startled] Jeez!
Standing outside the windows is the teenage girl, now wearing a very fake plastic skull mask held on by a rubber band. She stares at them. Dave calms down and, rather awkwardly, waves. The girl waves back then resumes staring at them.
DAVE: There really isn't much to do in this town, is there?
GIRL: [muffled] Is Larisa in?
DAVE: [loudly] You already did this house! Your disguise may be VERY sophisticated, but I still remember you. Try the other side of the railway line!
He smiles and mutters under his breath.
DAVE: You're sure she can't get in?
EVE: Hell no. Reinforced plexi-glass. Bullet proof. It'd take ages to cut through with diamonds. Why is she just... staring at us?
DAVE: She really, REALLY wants to come inside. [beat] I'm glad Nigel wasn't here. There's only so many double entendres you can cope with per day.
EVE: I don't like this. She's watching us.
The trio stare at each other for a long moment.
DAVE: Yep. She's definitely watching us.
EVE: Maybe we should call the police.
DAVE: Oh, brilliant plan. That will only give her a good eight hours to escape while the rest of us get arrested for wasting police time. She can't get in, can she? No. So either she stands out there being all freaky and ghostly, or she buggers off and does something more interesting.
EVE: Why's she doing it? Is she crazy?
Behind them, the figure creeps out from under the sofa. He wears a similarly unimpressive zombie mask. Dave turns and heads for the TV. The second figure hides again. Niether Dave nor Eve spot him.
DAVE: Probably. Or really, REALLY bored. Well, she doesn't want to talk, she just wants to stand out there, staring at us.
EVE: Doesn't that... creep you out?
DAVE: No, not as much as how quiet it is. I'm used to the city, you know, dogs barking, ambulances driving past, the occasional bogan shoot out... There's nothing out there.
EVE: Just us and her.
They both startle as there is a furious banging noise from the hallway.
DAVE: [to girl] Back in a sec!
They both hurry out into the hallway. The second figure rises out from behind the sofa and nods to the girl. She nods back. He heads for the kitchen bit.
The banging is coming from the front door. Dave and Eve rush over to the monitor. It shows a woman in a tatty dress and a very fake vampire mask kicking the door and screaming.
EVE: Oh. Great. She's not alone.
DAVE: You know, you really didn't mention the freaks in the neighborhood on the sales pitch, did you, Evelyn?
EVE: [hurt] I didn't know about them!
DAVE: [hastily] Yeah, yeah, I know. Still... it's just...
Behind them, the man in the mask appears in the doorway. He has a large kitchen knife.
DAVE: Just... GOD DAMN IT!
Without looking, Dave kicks at the hallway door, slamming it straight into the man and knocking him over.
DAVE: One night! One night without crazy shit like this happening! Is that TOO much to ask!
Dave storms out of the hallway. Eve timidly follows.
The masked man crawls for cover. He has managed to accidentally stab himself in the leg and is in quite an amount of pain. Dave and Eve enter. Dave fiddles with the stereo and then crosses to address the girl.
DAVE: Why are you doing this?
GIRL: You were home.
DAVE: Is that it?
The girl stares at him.
DAVE: Look, lady. You really, REALLY need to understand something about this relationship. I am NOT scared of you. And you can NOT hurt me. That's not me being all macho bullshit testosterone. That's not me having ridiculous faith in modern technology. I don't know why the hell you think a Tuesday night is best for stalking newbies in town and I'm not going to lie to you. I don't care.
GIRL: You're gonna die.
DAVE: And so are you.
Eve is slightly encouraged by Dave's attitude.
EVE: Yeah. Or does your amazing novelty mask make you immortal?
The girl stares at them.
DAVE: You don't have a good reason for this. You can't get in. All you can do is try and freak us out and, admittedly, that's probably your main intention. But you can't hurt me. I'm already hurt. The girl I love is on the other side of the planet and if she knew about the freaky danger I was in, she would choose not to come to my aid. Now, do you have anything that can be more painful than that?
GIRL: [slightly embarrassed] Well...
DAVE: No. You don't. So, it's basically just psychological terror you and your mum or whoever's at the front door have. And there is one thing terror cannot defeat.
He switches on the stereo.
DAVE: 80s Kiwi Pop Music! THE POWER OF DAVE DOBBINS COMPELLS YOU!
"Slice of Heaven" starts to play loudly. The banging at the front door can no longer be heard. Eve looks non-plussed as Dave lies on the sofa and starts to flip through a magazine.
DAVE: They might somehow break in and kill me but I am NOT having my evening ruined.
Eve and the girl look around helplessly, neither knowing what to do.
DAVE: [sings along] Hey, I gotta lot of faith in ya...
OUTSIDE CORNER SHOP
Andrew and Nigel are sitting in the car while Nigel finishes his sandwiches.
ANDREW: [confused] So, you went to the second-most popular site for suicides... as a birthday treat?
NIGEL: Well, not MY birthday treat. Owen's.
ANDREW: Why the hell would he do that?
NIGEL: He was in a bit of a Goth phase. You won't believe all the stuff you can find in there. Not just the bodies, but it's a treasure trove for scavengers with a strong stomach. Kenji found a wallet with 370 THOUSAND yen in it! That was like enough to buy a decent meal at the Courthouse Hotel! We all found credit cards, rail passes, driver's licenses... you name it.
ANDREW: And the Yang family weren't creeped out by the corpses?
NIGEL: Nah. A few bones here and there but there's the Annual Body Search. This army of cops, journos, Goths, all comb the place for the fresh corpses. Been doing it for like 30 years now.
ANDREW: Your parents let you go to a place where more than 500 people have killed themselves?
NIGEL: Hah, it was barely half that when we went there. Mind you, that year was pretty high. 73 people. Apparently this year it's apparently going to be even higher. It's typical, really. The government try and tell people NOT to kill themselves in the forest and it's suddenly all the rage.
ANDREW: So there really are signs there?
NIGEL: Yep. Even written in English. [finishes sandwich] The creepy thing is that compasses don't work in the forest, which is not exactly easy to navigate anyway. Well, I say "creepy". The reason is there's magnetic metals under the forest, rather than any ghosts or stuff. But yeah, once you've been to the Sea of Trees? You tend to keep an ear out for suicide forests.
ANDREW: But why do people go there to kill themselves?
NIGEL: Meh. They're all just dumb trend-followers. Back in the 60s, some romance novelist, Matsumoto somebody, did some Romeo and Juliet crap except they killed themselves in that forest. It's THE sophisticated place to end it all. I mean, there was a fair bit of seppuku carried out a couple of centuries ago, but that was different. There was a point to it. Aokigahara. The Wall Street of Japanese suicide spots...
ANDREW: It does make you think, though.
NIGEL: Yeah, about what losers kill themselves there. Indecisive drama queens who can't end it all until they're in a forest with a hundred other corpses to make their mind up for them. Do they think that MAYBE every single one of the bastards died thinking not "Farewell cruel world!" but "You know, on second thoughts, this was kinda stupid". Social darwinism, Andrew. We don't need losers like that.
ANDREW: Hmmm? No, no, I just mean, why would that guy come up with the worst possible story to tell people to avoid the tree sanctuary? Why not just "Mafia dudes shoot people" or something like that?
NIGEL: He probably tries a new story on every customer. No big deal.
A long pause.
ANDREW: ...wanna check it out?
NIGEL: Well, part of me thinks it is suicidally insane behavior and it would be much better to return home. But another part of me points out I've already eaten and no desire to spend the night seeing you two squabble over the TV remote while I'm trying to put the moves on Eve. But most of me thinks that if there's some kind of horrible fate in that tree sanctuary and you fell victim to it and I wasn't there to see it, point and laugh... well, let's just say I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
ANDREW: Ah, and a one-way trip to the Sea of Trees?
NIGEL: Pff. As if. I'm a setter of trends, not a follower!
Nigel starts the engines and they drive off.
The two masked women are standing outside on the patio looking rather impatient. The masked man is struggling to bandage his bleeding leg. Oblivious, Dave and Eve sit by the TV, listening to a song by Bad Religion.
DAVE: [sings] See, I'm a 21st century digital boy!
I don't know how to read but I've got a lot of toys!
My daddy's a lazy, middle-class intellectual
My mummy's on valium - SO ineffectual!
Despite herself, Eve laughs and nods along with the song. They are both much more relaxed. The masked figures outside are not, and watch anxiously as the masked man passes out from blood loss and falls to the floor - the noise lost under the music. The women start to bang on the window for attention. Dave flips them a V-sign and Eve ignores them totally.
DAVE & EVE: [singing] 21st century digital boy! 21st century schizoid boy! 21st century video boy...
The masked women shake their fists with frustration.
OUTSIDE TREE SANCTUARY
The tree sanctuary is a small park full of trees surrounded by chain link fences and green tarps that block the view of the trees. Wynona is parked outside. Nigel leans on the bonnet as Andrew examines the walls.
NIGEL: So. No ghosts, dead bodies, dimensional rifts to hell... is anything there?
ANDREW: Nope. Amazingly dull all things considered.
NIGEL: So he was just making it all up.
ANDREW: Looks like.
NIGEL: Well that's just boring. I was hoping for the hairy chick from the Grunge to consume you or something. Worst. Haunted tree sanctuary. Ever!
ANDREW: Hmmm. Well, if the eldrich abominations won't come to the suburbs...
NIGEL: ...then the suburbs come to the eldrich abominations?
ANDREW: What? No! Shut up. I'm sick of this hype not living up to reality. I'm going to make sure this haunted tree sanctuary lives up to its name one way or another.
NIGEL: It's like a gruesome car accident. I just can't look away!
The masked man lies unconcious in a pool of his own blood. Dave and Eve sit on the sofa, Eve resting her head on his shoulder as raggae music plays.
DAVE: [sings] In every life, we have some trouble
When you worry, you make it double...
Outside, the two masked women are trying to batter the patio door down with a bench from the backyard. They bounce off silently and are flung into the night. The girl runs and charges the door, bounces off, into the woman and they both fall over. They get into a girly slap fight. All of this ignored.
EVE: [sings] Don't worry. Be happy.
DAVE & EVE: [sing] Don't worry, be happy now...
OUTSIDE TREE SANCTUARY
Andrew sits cross-legged on the grass, a candle burning before him.
ANDREW: Om mane padme hum, om mane padme hum,
Om mane padme-e-e-ha-aa-aa... OM MANE PADME HUM!
Andrew cracks open an eye.
Nigel pops his head up, having been hiding behind Wynona with his fingers in his ears. He looks around.
ANDREW: Well, unless you've got some goat's blood I'm completely out of ideas...
Sighing, he blows out the candle, rises and joins Nigel at the car.
ANDREW: Take me home, James.
ANDREW: Nigel. Whatever.
They climb inside the car and don their seat belts.
ANDREW: I can't imagine why any sane person could possible assume this place is haunted...
There is suddenly a shockingly loud soggy bang from inside the sanctuary. Then another, and another. Shards of green matter start to slam into the windscreen. Andrew and Nigel exchange looks, then Nigel revs the engines and drives off at top speed as more explosions occur in the sanctuary, sending more shards everywhere.
NIGEL: [vo] You and your stupid Bhuddist sutras!
Eve has dozed off on the couch. Dave sits next to her, stroking her hair as he sings along with the music.
DAVE: [sings] Coz I like you, yeah, I like you and I'm feeling so Bohemian, like you! Yeah, I like you, and I like you, and I feel "Whoo-hoo-hoo!"
Outside, the women have managed to fling a rope up onto the roof and are trying to climb the walls, Batman-style.
DAVE: [sings] Doo-doo-dooooo-oooooo...
The two fall down onto the ground very hard. Followed by some guttering and a branch. Looking the wrong way and with the music loud, Dave doesn't notice. He eases himself off the couch, takes off his coat and uses it as a makeshift blanket on Eve.
DAVE: [sings] I'm getting wise and I'm feeling so Bohemian like you... It's you that I want so please, just a casual, casual easy thing? Is it? It is for me!
Dave yawns and stretches, then heads for the kitchen.
DAVE: [sings] And I like you, yeah I like you, and I like you, I like you, I like you and I feel...
He freezes as he sees the body on the ground.
DAVE: [lamely] Wahoo-woo?
Wynona pulls up outside the appartment. It is splattered with brown slime that steams in the night air.
ANDREW: Sandbox trees! Gotta be.
NIGEL: Bulltwang! Sandbox trees are an urban legend, like kangaroo jack or Woomera detention centres!
ANDREW: It explains the noises and bangs, doesn't it? Sandbox tree fruit explode when they mature, which is what this stuff is... no wonder they fenced off the place.
Andrew and Nigel get out of the car.
NIGEL: Sandbox trees aren't real. I mean, a tree that grows ninety metres tall, its bark covered in razor-sharp spikes and its sap poisonous?
ANDREW: AND corrosive. You better wash Wynona before it starts to rust.
Nigel looks fearfully at the steaming muck on the bonnet.
ANDREW: Wear gloves, though. You know. Poison and that.
NIGEL: [doubtful] Sandbox Trees.
NIGEL: Poisonous, acidic exploding trees that can slaughter and maim in a 100 metre radius.
ANDREW: Let's be glad the things can't walk.
NIGEL: Yeah, they'd probably have enslaved humanity by now...
As they approach the front door, the masked women rush over - scruffy, dirty, and leaves in their hair. They are freaked out, definitely moreso than Andrew or Nigel.
GIRL: Hey, wait! Wait up!
WOMAN: Please! Help us!
NIGEL: [to Andrew] What did I tell you? Groupies.
WOMAN: You've got to help us, please...
GIRL: My dad's in there, he's been kidnapped, this crazy mofo's stabbing him...
WOMAN: This is serious!
Andrew looks at their ridiculous masks.
ANDREW: Yeah. That's really coming across. [to Nigel] We haven't missed the Mardis Gras again, have we?
WOMAN: Please! My husband - he could be bleeding to death!
ANDREW: Is this "crazy mofo" a teenager about... [indicates] so high with spikey dyed hair and a wierd plastic trenchcoat?
GIRL: Yes! He's crazy! We've got to get help!
NIGEL: [sighs] Leave the guy alone for five freaking minutes...
Nigel presses his palm against the scanner and the doors open, and the quarter enter.
Dave has now put the masked man on a table and grimly cutting away the guy's trouser leg so he can get better access at the wound. He's got a first aide kit at the ready. There is the sound of people in the hallway, the door opening. Dave whirls around, paranoid, snatches up the bloody knife and hurls it at the doorway...
...it thuds into the wall just behind the door, narrowly missing Nigel's head as he steps through. He stares at the knife. Then at Dave, then back at the knife.
NIGEL: What IS it with you two and large knives?!
DAVE: [shaken] Sorry, dude!
Nigel angrilly tugs the knife out of the wall.
NIGEL: Not as sorry as you're going to be...
The masked ladies rush over to the masked man.
WOMAN: Oh, Gerald!
The man groans. The girl turns to Dave.
GIRL: [angrilly] Why haven't you called an ambulance?
DAVE: [just as angry] Because some stupid bitch in a mask cut the phone line!
The masked man groans again.
ANDREW: Just why are you all wearing these silly masks anyway?
DAVE: They're loonies, Andrew! They've spent all night trying to break in and freak us out - this guy snuck in through the patio doors...
WOMAN: ...and you stabbed him!
DAVE: What? No I didn't, I found him like this!
GIRL: [to Andrew] He's a psychopath, mate, don't listen to a word he says! He tied my dad up and stabbed him repeatedly!
ANDREW: Except there's only one stab wound.
NIGEL: And he's not tied up.
ANDREW: And he got the first aide kit out.
NIGEL: And how exactly did this guy get inside anyway?
The man groans.
WOMAN: You sadistically and deliberately tortured my husband! We are SO going to sue!
She turns to say this last bit to Nigel... and realizes he has the knife level with her throat. She backs away slightly.
NIGEL: I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty certain witness statements are hard to come by... when the witness has their throat slit.
GIRL: You're a psycho!
ANDREW: He's not the one in a carnivale mask trying to break into private property.
NIGEL: Yeah, why the hell are you people doing this anyway?
GIRL: Oh, like everything needs a reason nowadays?! We just wanted to, OK! And no, you couldn't go to pieces and hide like NORMAL people so we could take off our masks, tie you up and then slash your guts, oh no, that's just too much to ask, isn't it?
WOMAN: Have you ANY idea how hard life is for us? Finding drifters we can coldbloodedly torment in walking distance? Choreographing all the stalking? It doesn't just HAPPEN you know, work goes into it!
The girl grabs the man and lifts his head. He groans.
GIRL: Look at this man! He has put thirty years of his life into this country - and he can't indulge in a bit of sadistic and violent murder in return?!
EVE: [flatly] No. He can't.
They all whirl around. A tired and irritated looking Eve stands behind them, wearing Dave's coat. She steps up to the girl.
EVE: Now. [sweetly] Get out of my house.
GIRL: You little...
The girl steps forward aggressively, and Andrew's hand thumps down onto her shoulder, stopping her.
GIRL: [brightly] OK! Just this once.
The masked family are heading down the street, the women supporting the man.
WOMAN: This is political correctness gone mad!
The gang are at the doorway. Dave shouts after them.
DAVE: Yeah, whatever! You know what this is?
Dave rubs his thumb and forefinger together.
NIGEL: Some kind of disease of the nervous system?
DAVE: No. [calls] The world's smallest violin, that's what!
EVE: I don't get it.
ANDREW: I don't either.
NIGEL: Nor me.
DAVE: [sighs] Typical. I get stalked by a knife-wielding family of psychopaths on my first night! I should have moved back home!
Andrew pats him on the back.
ANDREW: Come on, Dave. You can't judge a whole neighborhood on a few whacko members...
DAVE: Can't? Don't tell me what I can and can't do! Just where the hell were you two anyway? You went shopping for parsley three hours ago! So where is it?
Andrew grabs Dave's face, as if about to give him the kiss of death.
ANDREW: [scary] I. Forget.
He releases Dave, smoothes down his lapels and heads inside.
EVE: ...is he always like this?
NIGEL: [shrugs] On good days.
A FEW STREETS AWAY
Further down the street, the masked family turn a corner.
GIRL: Ungrateful drifter bastards.
The man groans.
WOMAN: It'll be easier next time. We'll try some immigrants who don't speak English.
There is a faint cracking, popping noise. The family stop.
GIRL: Did you hear that?
They all turn and look up. They're right outside the haunted tree sanctuary.
WOMAN: Oh no...
There is a sudden roar of exploding pods and the trio run for it, being doused in steaming green poisonous acid gooey stuff...
MAN: THIS IS JUST NOT FAIR!
Distantly, the bangs can be heard under the scene. Andrew joins the others.
ANDREW: Well, all doors locked, windows sealed, plus the phone lines are working again.
EVE: [impressed] Did you fix them?
Andrew rubs his neck, embarrassed.
ANDREW: Well, I try to be modest... but I try to be honest too. [shrugs] They must have just been playing up in a mischeviously ironic coincidence.
DAVE: So, no more psychopaths trying to break into our new home and kill us?
ANDREW: Not a chance. After all, it's a week day. Even serial killers can't do an all nighter with work in the morning!
EVE: Yeah, well, I'll be off to bed then. You sure you guys will be all right?
NIGEL: Evelyn, darling, this isn't the first time we've been hunted by psychopaths in masks for absolutely no logical reason whatsoever...
DAVE: [clears throat] Actually...
NIGEL: Mouth closed, Dave. Good night, Eve, and may flights of angels sing you to your rest.
Everyone stares at him.
NIGEL: Jeez, just trying to add a bit of culture to the household!
Eve takes off Dave's coat, returns it to him, then climbs the ladder and up out of view. The others watch her go, Dave regarding his coat.
DAVE: She's hot.
NIGEL: I know.
DAVE: I mean, literally. Feel that.
He offers a sleeve to Andrew, who touches it and mimes burning his fingers.
ANDREW: Ah, finally found someone apart from a certain redhead to obsess over. [sniffs] Our little boy is growing up, Nigel...
NIGEL: He's still going after girls way out of his league, Andrew. Look at her. Shirley Williams via Michaelangelo's "David".
Dave nods thoughtfully.
DAVE: I have no idea what the hell you mean.
NIGEL: She's beautiful. A goddess. At last! A woman worthy of my incredible sexual prowess!
ANDREW: Who isn't related to you.
NIGEL: [dismissive] Details, details...
DAVE: Nigel, don't. She's nice. She deserves better than YOU to get squelchy with...
NIGEL: [confused] David Mitchell Restal, are you insinuating she might not enjoy thirty-three hours of non-stop, blistering, condom-melting hardcore copulation with the Big N.
DAVE: Yes. I am saying that. Clearly. And distinctly. And emphatically. She could not have a worse sexual experience if she went down on C'thulu against a dumpster in the alleyway behind a crackhouse.
Dave turns and walks off into his bedroom. Nigel stays where he is as if frozen. Andrew blows out his cheeks philosophically.
ANDREW: You gotta admit, he's got you there.
NIGEL: Yeah, well... at least I have got a bedroom! Unlike you, ya hairy bogan!
Nigel huffs and storms off into his own bedroom, leaving Andrew alone.
ANDREW: That was a non sequitur.
He turns and heads over to the kitchen, then finds the pot of rice.
Andrew's shout can clearly be heard.
ANDREW: [vo] OH, WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS OVERCOOKED THIS?!?!
RUN END CREDITS