RIP CHASER

Well, I don't think it will last long now. The editorial interference is a bigger death nell than all of them getting arrested, but I'm more sickened by the certainty not a single person who complained used that time and effort to make a charitable donation instead. Ironic that the Chaser buys it from a gag nicked from McCallif. But the ABC clearly assume that Australian viewers are so brain damaged that one gag on an infamous satire show will make everyone go, "Hang on, on second thoughts, I WON'T waste my money on dying kids!"

The SMH actually had a banner, "The Chaser shouldn't have a war on everything LITERALLY!"

Bollocks to that. And now the most offensive and objectionable material to be found, translated from the original lemon bleeding cola that created them!

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Sparacus would never torment the Doctor Who production team again, but a completely different drunken twat would take his place – Joshua Wynne-Cunt and his Ghastly Brain Disease, whose previous unsolicited scripts had been assumed to be poltergeist activity what with all the yellow sticky ectoplasm that dripped from his work.

JWC insisted with a fanaticism that worried even Ian Levine that by using his scripts, Doctor Who could be "saved" from the high ratings, high audience appreciation, high public exposure and high popular and critical acclaim which he believed was wasting its chance to "culturally enrich the nation with dark, mature, educational and philosophical material to appeal to the sophisticated and high-brow".

JWC’s first episode for the new Doctor was entitled The Bachelor of Bullets.

This was set at a prestigious London college where Ben Chatham is providing lectures to an archaeology evening class being taken by Sally Sparrow to broaden her intellectual horizons. In an amazing twist, it is revealed that Sally has fallen in with a group of dirty, filthy, left-wing hippie-type protestors convinced that the college authorities are faking archaeological finds to get more funding. For no apparent reason, Sally thinks that aliens are involved.

Knob-end Ben disproves of Sally’s involvement in left wing subversion and is suspicious of her estrogen-powered reasoning skills, and so tries to shop her in to both UNIT and the college authorities for being friends with communists. Sally reacts rashly to this act of complete arseholedom by heading to the latest dig with her so-called hippie friends where they find a mysterious tunnel leading to a giant capsule full of machine-gun-wielding vegetables called the Magic Punks. The aliens kill all the protesters with bullets that instantly fill their bodies with acid. The hippies all die a agonizing death, blood and pus oozing form their skin, in a sequence JWC maintains to this day has no connection to the fact his own girlfriend dumped him to run off with a left-wing anarchist-Marxist-dope-dealing-hippie-type.

Just before Sally can be executed, the Eleventh Doctor arrives in the TARDIS and rescues her. The Doctor reveals the Magic Punks are time commandos sent here to prevent historical anachronisms threatening the stability of the universe. Which just so happens to take the form of slaughtering hippies for no reason. Then they shriek in fear as they realize who the Doctor is and run away before they can explain what the hell this plot has actually been about.

The Doctor and Sally enter the TARDIS and find Ben Chatham there. Sally slaps the weaselly little scumbag across the face for informing on her, only to be told by The Doctor, "He saved your life, you silly little girl! If he hadn’t texted me and got me to stop them killing you, you’d be dead now, you hippie-loving slut!"

Realizing the truth, Sally is grateful toward Ben, her pulse begins to race as she is struck by attraction for this two-faced cowardly sneak. She immediately texts Larry to say he’s dumped and demands the Doctor allow her to travel in the TARDIS for the rest of the season.

Moffat laughed in terrified hysteria at the wafer thin plot constructed solely to air LWC’s political agenda of snobbery and elitist belief that anyone slightly left-wing is a deviant threat who deserves to die and/or be informed on, but the BNP are just 'harmless cranks'. Moffat told LWC to "get off his right-wing backside and piss off" and take his unlikable, lazy central characters with him.

(If anyone cares, Sparacus noted that this was "an excellent first story which reflects elements of the best eras of the classic series: a fine English setting, engaging characters, an archaeological dig, and a good solid alien menace killing hippies!")

...

The first was by the stalker of Doctor Who, Joshua Wynne-Cunt, who suggested the second story of the season NOT continue from the first but instead be a sequel to his own work, which the production team had already ignored completely. JWC promised that his "culturally-enriching and educative" script would up the profile of a great writer while sensitively handling the topics of drugs and alcohol in a cautionary morality tale that would not be too preachy for younger audiences.

JWC’s script, On The Road (To Oblivion) featured the Eleventh Doctor, Ben Chatham and Sally Sparrow travelling back in time to meat Sally’s hero, legendary "beat" writer Jack Kerouac in the middle of his similarly-legendary hedonistic hitchhike across America, forming the basis of his seminal (ie, wank-filled) novel, On The Road.

The TARDIS arrives right in front of Jack and his muse Neal Cassady, who are both out of it and assume the trio to be drug-induced hallucinations. Ben is weary and slightly disgusted at their coarse ways, cheering himself by downing absinthe and ecstacy tablets disguised as Fox Glacier Mints. Deciding that the Doctor is a "real out there cat", Jack immediately falls in love with Sally. Unfortunately, he is too drunk to commit rape and has to vomit all over her, babbling pathetically as he drinks himself to death.

Meanwhile, the Doctor and Ben wonder why the duo are nowhere near a road which would make hitchhiking easier. Neal tells them about his druggie babble desert dust of death as creatures made of living tumbleweeds attack the main cast. Fortunately, these creatures are terrified of absinthe and flee at the sight of Ben Chatham while Sally faints. Because she’s a girl.

The tumble weed monsters are the Parasites, survivors of the Temporal Difference of Opinion, who bond en-mass with desert tumbleweeds to war against larger species. The Parasites reveal they intend to conquer the Earth before an unexpected rain storm kills them all in mid-sentence.

Thoroughly disappointed in this act-of-god plot twist, the TARDIS crew bugger off, only to discover that Jack Kerouac has somehow survived his death and in 1984 published a book called The Desert Devils and The English Cunts – history has been altered and our heroes ominously ponder "But how and to what consequence?" in unison like a cheap pantomime.

As ever unimpressed about a writer the audience never heard of, sexist stereotyping and yet another rip off of the Gelth from The Presuming Ed, Moffat turned down this very slight plot before JWC finished telling it.

...

Still maintaining that Doctor Who "needs to be saved from itself" since its 2005 revival had lead to the show having such good will any old crap from RTD can gain amazing ratings and audience appreciation figures, Joshua Wynne-Cunt insisted that the series should try new, risky things than remain "lazy, mediocre froth failing to live up to its artistic and educative potential" and provided yet another script to rescue the series from "going stale".

The latest right-wing-anti-feminist script was called The Chaser Team Triumphant At The Dawn of The Mara And The Valet of Nightmares which would feature mature, tasteful and above all cerebral explorations of sexuality with a ground-breaking and interesting take on Sally Sparrow while remaining true to JWC’s artistic vision.

This epic features the TARDIS arriving in Cambridge where the Earth is undergoing a full-scale alien invasion by a seemingly unstoppable fleet of warships and since someone has irresponsibly edited wikipedia, no one remembers what UNIT and Touchwood are. Worse, the TARDIS crew are besieged by an army of Ben Chatham’s ex-lovers, all of whom have gone completely insane with self-pity and believe that the world should end because the human race is a malignant cancer in a futile existence. Which is probably what you’d think after sleeping with Ben.

The Doctor meanwhile finds out somehow that the alien race is attacking Earth because of one big Chaser stunt – indeed, the Chaser Team are actually alien warlords who literally feed on suffering for sustenance and survival in the way that humans do with food and water! Luckily, this alien of the week is distracted by a totally random event, just like last week when an alien shoots Chas through the head. The rest of the Chaser Team kidnap Sally and teleport her to a grimy prison cell where a dirty old man tortues her. The Chaser start jacking off to her suffering as they plan to destroy the world as revenge against Ben Chatham for stuff the author doesn’t explain properly.

Sally is in fact entered the dark places of the inside and if she does not allow the elemental Mara to symbolically violate her with its long pinkish snakes, she will be left to be tormented by her abusive grandfather who sexually abused her until the age of twelve (where Sally accidentally killed him with a hedge trimmer). Nevertheless, Sally refuses, which turns out not to make a blind bit of difference as the Mara didn’t actually want to steal her body anyway as she has full control over the Chaser Team to alter reality itself. For some reason.

Suddenly it dawns on Ben that somehow time has been manipulated as he was so blitzed on absinthe he didn’t notice it at the end of the previous episode. Alas, at that moment a race of bald, red-eyed Aryan aliens invade the mansion and start yelling at the Doctor. Ben insists these aliens are just an illusion, so they disappear – after years of absinthe abuse, Ben knows a hallucination when he has one!

No sooner does the alien apocalypse turn out to be a dream then Sally arrives with a funky Mara tattoo, meaning that the scenes of her not being possessed by pure evil were a total waste of time. She tries to stab the Doctor, who bites her nipples until the Mara is exorcised. But even as this baffling plot twist sinks in, the Chaser begin a worldwide campaign of stunts that hack thousands of innocent pensioners and small children to bloody chunks! UNIT is unable to stop the comedy troupe and suffer heavy losses from the lethal Surprise Spruiker.

Meanwhile, Sally is sucked back into her own subconscious... for some reason... and finds herself in her childhood bedroom covered in severed baby heads whose eyes drip blood, in a haunted house in the middle of a wood of trees scattered with severed human limbs and stalked by Weeping Angels. The Mara demands Sally surrender her body to it (cause it made such a difference last time) or else she will be forced to suffer Woody Allen nightmares with her grandfather forever!

Back in reality, the Doctor is unable to do anything before he has been beaten unconscious by a passing common oik, who is possessed by the Mara. Somehow. Ben Chatham defeats the commoner in an epic kung fu battle ending with the thug having his neck snapped for greater good. Ultimately this doesn’t help as the Mara finally decides it’s had enough of this for a game of soldiers and buggers off. Sally is left shivering in a coma of subconscious fear until Ben punches her repeatedly in face and tells her to "pull yourself together, woman!" which not only revives Sally but makes her passionately ravish Ben in hardcore XXXX-action.

In the background however, it turns out Jesus Christ has returned to Earth and banishes the Chaser Team back to their primetime slot on ABC television and unable to harm anyone, so Ben demands everyone toast him for single-handedly saving the world.

Despite the instance of Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones that the concept was exciting, dark, bleak, dramatic, tense and not-at-all offensive, sick drivel – and his belief that it would be perfect for an Autum Friday-night post-watershed slot of late night horror that would stop those "pesky kids" watching and keep the 16-25 suicidal goth demographic – Moffat remained completely and utterly unimpressed.


...


Of course, none of this was good enough for Joshua Wynne-Cunt who believed that this was yet another tedious self-righteous 'whiter than white' morality tale promoting immature and unrealistic values. As ever, JWC was more than happy to provide a light comedy story showing the Doctor take a more pragmatic and high-collateral-damage approach to life, alien threats and chavs everywhere.

JWC’s latest script – as ever totally ignoring the premise of the season – was entitled The Attack Of The Demon Yobs having the Doctor, Ben and Sally forgo the Fifteenth Broken Moon of the Medusa Cascade, the lightening skies of Cotter Palluni's World and the diamond coral reefs of Kaata Flo Ko to have a bus holiday to an archaeological dig in a quaint and charming rural village full of lovely elderly locals currently under siege by thuggish youths from a council estate terrorizing everything and anything they can.

The TARDIS crew encounter the insane WW2 veteran called Albert who screams about the Hun and legendary forest demons over a cup of cocoa and burning log fire, but he is so boring that, for want of something to do, Sally wanders off into the demonically-infested forest where the thuggish youths are listening to some diabolical monologues from the evil demonic creature. Finding this much more interesting than pensioners, Sally runs screaming up to the yobs and demands to be captured, stripped naked and ritualistically abused!

Meanwhile, the Doctor and Ben find that the archaeological find is a Smeg fridge containing a WW2 fighter pilot and a medieval knight apparently frozen in the middle of having sex. For want of anything better to do, they defrost the duo and then find that Sally’s shoe is, for some unknown reason, in the knight’s underwear. This proves to be a vital clue which leads the group... somehow... to the cave in the woods where the Demon and its yobs are preparing Sally to be sacrificed as she so specifically requested.

Much to Sally’s annoyance, she is rescued and the yobs immediately paint their faces tomato red and go on a rampage ripping pensioners limb from limb. Luckily, the Doctor just happens to know that the demon beast is actually an alien called Diabolical Diablo Dan and spends its time studying each section of society. For some reason it assumes that yobs sum up the average inhabitants of Earth. Luckily, hanging around with the scum of civilization means that the aliens are allergic to that most civilized of beverages, champagne.

As the Demon Yobs attack, Albert, the fighter pilot and the knight start screaming that the yobs are as much a threat to the United Kingdom as the Nazis and in the name of England, they must slaughter all these innocent victims as a heroic deed. Ben urges them on, screaming "DEATH TO THE CHAVVY ONES!" and handing out special fire extinguishers that spurt champagne and all the yobs die in agony. The Diabolical Diablo Dan is allowed to escape since he can create another army of yobs for the main characters to slaughter mercilessly.

"The economic status of the yobs is irrelevant!" Sally Sparrow screams as she bathes in blood in orgasmic pleasure. "Ordinary people should rally around British values and defend themselves against the yobs who plague our communities! Out of control, animalistic and immoral youth is a HUGE threat to the British way of life! We must defend our land from threats interior as well as exterior! MORE DEATH!!"

The story ends with the entire cast giving a stirring rendition of the Sex Pistols’ God Save The Queen, causing a tear to drip down Ben’s face as he reflects on the depth of his love for his country and its values of slaughtering the socially and genetically inferior. The entire cast give Nazi salutes in front of a Union Flag while God Save the Queen plays over the end credits.

Moffat replied that JWC "needed help" and if he ever tried to provide another disgusting "light comedic story" featuring social pogroms once again, Moffat would go "Vashta Nerada" on JWC’s ass.

JWC’s response was to burst into tears and wail, "It’s so hard being clever! It often makes me feel lonely and alienated with so many thoughts with so many intricate layers to them buzz around my head! Sometimes it’s hard for me to condense them to be understood by ordinary people and to find friends who can keep up with me. I’m really frustrated by the simplicity and often stupidity of the common herd! I AM ABOVE EVERYDAY CATTLE, DO YOU HEAR ME?!?"

Moffat responded by hitting JWC over the head with a spade and then burying him in the backyard.

JWC’s erstwhile mentor, Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones, however, considered The Attack of the Demon Yobs to be "an absolutely brilliant and superb story". This "adult, dark, political" tale succeeded because of the "classic English setting, racist supremacist locals menaced by an ill-thought out force of cliched demonic horror" with a "social subtext about modern youth crime that should be punished with mass executions" which in Sparacus’ opinion "epitomizes the ethos of Ben Chatham".

So Moffat hit Sparacus over the head with a spade and buried him in the backyard as well.

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They were also happy to accept the infamous "lost" Joshua Wynne-Cunt story, The Multiverse Wept! This thirteen-second long episode involved the Eleventh Doctor, Sally Sparrow and Ben Chatham in a bouncy castle when he finds Sarah Jane Smith hiding in a cardboard box, which he then starts to kick repeatedly screaming, "I am but an echo of my own private mythology! The world is rife with such oppressive economical conditions and state apparatus. One feels as ephemeral as an ant upon a mentally imbalanced giant!" while Sarah reveals she is, in fact, a little teapot. The narrative then cuts to a donkey in a desert dropping dead as it swims in the river of denial out of fear of its own true self.

Gentle readers, who truly is the loneliest donkey? He or you and I?

Was this a thought-provoking adventure challenging the audience’s perceptions of Doctor Who, art and their own lives by noting the random nonsensical circle of birth, life and death that is every human life? Was it a way to open the mind to freedom of reality? Was The Multiverse Wept! a harsh and beautifully disturbing truth exploring the military industrial complex and the concept of the Illuminati/New World Order? Or was it a load of total bilge unworthy of a further word on the subject? I know which option I prefer!


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Once more Moffat had to wind his way through a heap of unsolicited manuscripts simply to reach his desk, just beside his throne, Jacuzzi and en suite entertainment centre. Most of them were reprints of an unwanted Joshua Wynne-Cunt story, The Metallic Dove, a crude plagiarism of They Live! revealing that humanity was under the secret control of reptilian aliens. The only difference was that JWC’s story was set in Victorian England and featured the Queen regularly murdering prostitutes by ripping out their throats with her beak. The Doctor, Sally Sparrow and Ben Chatham would eventually turn up, calling each other expletive heavy names like "worthless bloody fools", "useless bloody idiots", "inept bloody faggots" before Ben threatens to "knee Sally in the bally ovaries" to make her shut up.

After noticing the streets are full of rag-wearing peasant orphans, the Doctor complains loudly about humanity’s poverty and neglect for young children, while beating them with a stick when they ask him for spare change. Finally John Christopher’s Tripods come round the corner and attack, but some guy in a track suit blows them up with a bazooka, punches Sally in the stomach and runs away. The Doctor and Ben laugh at her discomfort and go back to beating up street urchins and execute anyone they find who is unemployed.

Despite the script’s promises of depicting the non-existent regulars from a more "adult" and "charged with sexual violence" perspective with "a tension lacking from gutless BBC television shite" and only "over-delicate sensibilities" could possibly be offended by the gore, violence, child-slaughter and misogynist abuse.

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As ever, despite being hung, drawn, quartered, burnt at the stake and fed to the crows, Hidden Persuaders PLC continued to demand complete editorial control over Doctor Who, demanding YET AGAIN that Moffat do a story where the Doctor gets a cold and regenerates into Jennifer Saunders for the duration of Christmas special optimistically-entitled The End of Time. Moffat finally discovered that passing holy water on their unconsecrated ashes would nullify them forever and he was left alone for the next financial year.

In the meantime, however, he would have to deal with another loser assuming they knew better than him: Joshua Wynne-Cunt had returned from beyond the grave once more. Desperately he demanded at gunpoint that Moffat accept JWC’s plot for the season finale which would "save" Doctor Who in the way that any half decent serial killer "saves" people.

Shameless Dark Phoenix Rip-Off began with the Doctor, Ben Chatham and Sally Sparrow discovering the recent and pointless changes in history were caused by none other than Jenny and her pedophilic relationship with the Bastard (now regenerated into Gary Oldman). The Doctor is utterly baffled at this unsubtly-implied kinky debauchery, least of all since neither time meddler actually can travel through time.

The bemused Jenny reveals that it was the Doctor himself who sent her to rescue the Bastard in the first place – and after lots of scenes of Jenny and the Bastard having kinky sex, the truth would out: it was in truth it was the Clone Tenth Doctor from Irth behind it all!

Yes, Cloned Tenth Doctor had developed a hitherto-unmentioned hatred of having to live like a millionaire bonking Billie Piper for the rest of his half-life and now wished to become immortal! Thus he has been manipulating Jenny and the Bastard to bring the Doctor’s TARDIS to Earth, where he can get Rose to unleash the Genie Factor and become the Super Chav Time Goddess.

Unfortunately, this cunning plan is completely fucking deranged.

This is evidenced when Super Chav has a nervous breakdown and starts destroying the entire universe in an attempt to kill her mortal enemy: a white swan she met in a pond in Aberdeen.

This cosmic epic battle of ridiculousness ends with Ben Chatham bullying the Doctor into shooting Rose through the head and blowing her brains out for the greater good. Ben is toasted for saving the world, with everyone ruffling his hair and singing For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow before sleeping with the male cast.

The season would end with the lovely visual of the Eleventh Doctor sobbing over Rose’s bloody and headless corpse as one of Ben’s poems is narrated in lieu of the closing credits.

The End.

While Moffat admitted he did like the bit where Jenny redeems herself by ditching the Bastard and developing a bondage-obsessed lesbian relationship with Sally Sparrow, the rest was a badly-written misogynistic wank fantasy by a strange and perverted individual.

Defeated, JWC vomitted blood, turned bright green, let out a demonic wolf howl and turned to dust – never to be seen or heard from again. So that was a good start to the day.

JWC may have gone but his mentor Sparacus had managed to escape the six-foot grave Moffat had buried him in some ten months previously. Having finally accepted that his suggestions would never be even listened to by the current regime, the fish-like creature decided to wait for the passing of years until Moffat was replaced by someone sympathetic to the silent majority of 40+ year old elitist, misogynistic Colchester teachers with an unhealthy obsession with Adam Rickitt.

Until then, Sparacus would make do by trying to set up The VELVET Tardis of Sonic Screwing, an exclusive R18-rated pornographic DVD range to appeal to... well, Sparacus himself. These films would be set in an alternate universe where the Tenth Doctor regenerated into a young, dark-haired fop not played by Matt Smith.

Despite his hopes for the adult-themed film company Eurotrash hiring a Doctor from Amsterdam, they simply weren’t interested in thirteen episodes of the Doctor, his gay male companions Jed and Alex and some young blond guy called Jake "making things happen" to the Time Lords genitalia using only a long scarf, the TARDIS shower nozzle set to "soapy", a beaker of Tetrap gokkun, and the Cyberman annex of the planet Rammit noted for its native tribesmen being clones of Adam Rickitt. They then all go to Amsterdam and do it doggy-style with complete strangers by a lake, before a passing backpacker named Ric kidnaps them, drags them to a hostel room and proceeds to do naughty things to them at gunpoint with a jar of honey as lubrication, and then there is a lockdown in a gay nightclub where all five guys on the dance floor knife the Doctor and Jake to death before pleasuring themselves in front of the camera.

When the adult-themed entertainment industry dubs your pitch "smut", you know you’re in trouble, and Sparacus was horrified that people supposedly of education and letters could not see or appreciate his incredibly pure, chav-free imagination, energy, grace and skill. Finally unable to cope with the terrible torment ridicule, Sparacus retired into obscurity. Two years later he died of a broken heart. Well, maybe not of a broken heart but the file’s classified by the CIA so until 23 March 2168, we can only wonder if the rumors are true and it actually involved a snooker cue, three flamingos, His Royal Highness Conrad Westmaas the Prince of Wales, two litres of sarsaparilla, a piece of New Zealand cheese of dubious morality and fellatio with someone called LBC.

But we’ll go with "broken heart" in the meantime.