If *I* Had Written The Massacre II

(The next morning, at the Admiral's Pad, De Laren and Muss nurse Ay-MAZE-zing hangovers.)

De Laren: Stupid Prince Henry doesn't believe me when I say his wife's family are out to get him!

Muss: Well, maybe you shouldn't have thrown up on him.

De Laren: Trust you to focus on that ONE mistake.

Muss: And why would they believe a servant girl's story about maybe overhearing someone maybe possibly mention a massacre? She's got a bloody Cornish accent for crying out loud!

De Laren: Bah. Maybe we should tell the Admiral. You're his bodyguard.

Muss: Actually I'm really his secretary, but I like to think of it as guarding his body.

De Laren: Jesus Christ. Just tell him those damn Catholics are bad!

Muss: Think he knows already.

De Laren: Hey, where is that servant girl anyway?

Muss: How the hell should I know?

(Back at the pub, Mickey wanders in.)

Mickey: Yo, barkeep, you seen the Doctor?

Landlord: Stop calling me that! I'll have you know I am a Landlord!

Mickey: That don't answer my question, does it?

Landlord: No, he hasn't turned up. Piss off, Englishman! Go and chat to your Protestant friends.

Mickey: Maybe I will. Oh, one more thing.

Landlord: What?

(Mickey grabs the Landlord's head and slams it repeatedly against the bar.)

Mickey: LANDLORD LANDLORD LANDLORD!

(The Landlord slumps. Mickey exits.)

Mickey: Yep. There was no part of that I didn't enjoy.

(He walks down the road to the Admiral's Pad.)

Mickey: Morning you two. Gotten over your hangovers yet?

Muss: (drinking from wine bottle) Working on a new one.

(A guy called Colbert enters.)

Colbert: Wazzup ma homies! I'm the new personal assitant of the Abbot, don't you know and he's sent me here to get that servant chick you are hiding here.

Muss: Piss off.

Colbert: Don't bust my balls here, man. I need the girl.

Muss: Piss. Off.

Colbert: Oh, well, all right then.

(Colbert leaves.)

Muss: What a douche.

(Colbert steps outside and speaks to the Abbot.)

Colbert: They were totally rude to me.

Abbot: Oh. Poor thing.

(He knees Colbert in the bollocks and storms off.)

Abbot: By the way, you're fired!

(Mickey leans out the door and watches him go.)

Mickey: By the ass crack of the infinite! That's the Doctor!

De Laren: No. That's the Abbot. You some kind of spy?

Mickey: Yeah, which is why I jumped up and down when seeing my secret paymaster. Sober up, you tosser.

Muss: He's right. Maybe. OK, Mickey. Let's find this Doctor of yours then.

De Laren: Dude, this sounds MASSIVELY dodgy.

Muss: Ah, what the hell could go wrong?

(At the French Palace, Dubar is bitching to fellow Catholic, the Marshall.)

Marshall: So, not only do you let a girl overhear your evil plans, you let her escape to meet our enemy, then the Abbot goes IN PERSON to ask for her back. Is he TRYING to screw up this entire operation?

Dubar: I get that impression, yeah. But he says his pal, James Bondo, will do the whole assassination dead cheap. Plus the Cardinal thinks he's good.

Marshall: The Cardinal's a dickhead.

Dubar: And so's that Mickey guy.

Marshall: Which Mickey guy?

Dubar: I dunno. Just some English guy hanging out at the Admiral's Pad.

Marshall: That might be vaguely important. Check up on things and tell the Abbot that we will be having words about the Sad Dutch Bugger.

(The Admiral enters, just like the Fonz, with a round applause.)

Admiral: And which Sad Dutch Bugger would that be? The ones I want to help out against those Spanish twats?

Marshall: Yeah. But there's Protestant, aren't they?

Admiral: God damn it this religious schism stuff has gotten boring fast.

Marshall: So who's this Brit who's staying with you then?

Admiral: No idea. Just one of my many groupies.

Marshall: Fair enough. Now, I have to rap with the bitch Queen Mother.

Admiral: Try not to beat her up this time.

(Meanwhile, Mickey and Muss are wandering around, being useless.)

Muss: Well, no sign of Charles Preslin or your pal.

Mickey: Nope. Maybe he's pretending to be the Abbot.

Muss: Why would he do that?

Mickey: It passes the time. Ooh look!

(While Muss is distracted, Mickey runs away.)

(At the Abbot's House, Dubar enters.)

Dubar: Ambwarzee, you got some splainin to do!

Colbert: He's buggered off. Probably chatting to Moneyair.

Dubar: Goddamn it! Call him "James Bondo". We have to use our carefully chosen code names so any servant girls listening won't have a bloody clue what we're on about. Rather like the audience. It's James Bondo who is going to kill the Sad Dutch Bugger.

Colbert: No wonder this operation is a shambles. We don't actually know anything about the Abbot, let alone what he's meant to be doing!

Dubar: Well, that's the French for you.

(At the Admiral's Pad, Muss stumbles in.)

Muss: I lost the cunning son of a bitch!

De Laren: Oh well, he's obviously a Catholic spy.

Annie: No he isn't!

De Laren: Piss off!

(Annie leaves.)

De Laren: Uppity tart.

(Dubar rushes back to the Marshall.)

Marshall: Now what? Don't tell me the Abbot's wandered off?

Dubar: Heh. You're gonna laugh.

Marshall: Go and find him. And tell him the Sad Dutch Bugger dies tomorrow.

Dubar: Really? So we don't need the assassin?

Marshall: (sigh) Christ in a blender. The Queen Mum had decided that tomorrow we assassinate the Sad Dutch Bugger, OK? Is that too difficult to understand? When he comes back from the Louvre tomorrow, James Bondo puts a cap in his ass. Chk-chk-boom! Savvy?!

Dubar: ...Who IS the Sad Dutch Bugger anyway?

Marshall: I give up. Piss off.

(At the Admiral's Pad, Mickey rolls up.)

Mickey: Hey, everyone! I'm back!

De Laren: Piss off.

Mickey: Fine. Fuck you then.

(Mickey leaves.)

Muss: I wonder why he came back?

De Laren: Well, he was obviously... uh... guess I should have asked him that, really.

Muss: Seriously, shouldn't you be guarding Prince Henry? It's almost curfew.

De Laren: Whoa. That day went past quick.

(Mickey wanders down a street and bumps into Annie.)

Mickey: That's ma woman. KNEW you couldn't stay away.

Annie: Those Admiral Groupies are assholes. I want to be with you.

Mickey: Well, you're only human. Somehow, I've no idea how, I've discovered that the Sad Dutch Beggar dies tomorrow. Must have overheard it or something. Anyway, let's crash out at Preslin's shop and make out?

Annie: Result!

(The Admiral returns to his Pad.)

Admiral: Hey, Muss, what's happening? OK? Fantastic. I tell you, I've totally convinced the King to go to war with Spain, joining forces with the Dutch. You know, they say I'll go down in history as "the Sad Dutch Bugger" because I've saved so many of them. I freaking rock.

Muss: As long as no one assassinates you tomorrow back from the Louvre.

Admiral: Oh, as if THAT might happen!

(They laugh crazily, Police Academy Style.)

TO BE CONTINUED...