Andrew Cures Insomnia!

(Lucy, from 'Insecurities', presses the door bell. A few moments later, the doors open and Andrew stands there. He regards her with evident suspicion.)

LUCY: Hi.

(Andrew speaks in an unfriendly rasp not unlike Paul Darrow.)

ANDREW: Hello.

LUCY: I was just passing. Is Dave in?

ANDREW: You tell me.

LUCY: So... he isn't?

ANDREW: What makes you think I'd know?

LUCY: You live here.

ANDREW: Do I?

LUCY: I thought you did. You answered the door.

ANDREW: And only those who live in a residence answer their residence's door?

LUCY: I thought you lived here.

ANDREW: Why?

LUCY: Dave told me.

ANDREW: Dave told you. And he told you he'd be here now?

LUCY: No.

ANDREW: So either he lied or he didn't know if he'd be here or not.

LUCY: Guess so.

ANDREW: And if Dave doesn't know if he'd be here or not, why should I know?

LUCY: Well. He didn't know at the time, but he probably does now.

ANDREW: Probably. So there's a chance he still doesn't know.

LUCY: He'll know where he is. I just wanted to know if you know if he's here. Since you live here to, with Nigel and that girl Eve.

ANDREW: What makes you think I live here?

LUCY: Dave told me.

ANDREW: And assuming he was telling the truth, he only told you what was true at the time. I may not still be living here at the moment.

LUCY: If you're not living here, why are you here.

ANDREW: I answered the door.

LUCY: So you were inside the house?

ANDREW: You tell me.

LUCY: I think you were.

ANDREW: You think. So you don't know.

LUCY: No. I don't know for absolute certain. That's why I'm asking. Do you live here?

ANDREW: Where?

LUCY: The house around you.

ANDREW: Is it around me?

LUCY: It looks like it does.

ANDREW: So you're basing your conclusion on what your eyes tell you.

LUCY: It's a habit. You're answering the door of a residence I've been reliably informed you live in, so if you don't live there, what are you doing there?

ANDREW: Answering the door.

LUCY: But what were you doing before the doorbell rang?

ANDREW: You tell me.

LUCY: Why?

ANDREW: My memory may not be reliable.

LUCY: But mine is?

ANDREW: You are the one always talking about what you remember.

LUCY: And do you remember who I am?

ANDREW: The person I've been talking to for the last few minutes.

LUCY: And you can't think of a better description?

ANDREW: Such as?

LUCY: Lucy? Lucy Gau? From high school?

ANDREW: Is that a better description?

LUCY: Yes.

ANDREW: But my description is far more accurate than yours. You refer to events in the past, I refer to the near-present.

LUCY: I'm still Lucy.

ANDREW: Are you?

LUCY: Yes. Don't you remember?

ANDREW: Memory is unreliable.

LUCY: That's not what I asked.

ANDREW: Even if I remember the name 'Lucy Gau', remember meeting someone with that name in high school, how do I know it was you?

LUCY: Do I look any different?

ANDREW: I remember a girl with a similar face. But since my memory is unreliable, I may be imprinting your features over someone similar. But not identical.

LUCY: That's not a racist joke, is it?

ANDREW: You tell me.

LUCY: You don't think I'm the girl from high school?

ANDREW: Half the student population were girls. My year alone had a hundred students. The chances of you being there are remote but not impossible.

LUCY: Yeah. I was there. I'm Lucy.

ANDREW: Are you?

LUCY: I remember what you did to that pigeon.

ANDREW: A lot of people do. They no doubt told others. That doesn't prove you were there.

LUCY: What would prove I was there?

ANDREW: Perhaps if you knew something that only Lucy knew, something that I knew only Lucy knew.

LUCY: Memory is unreliable.

ANDREW: But not totally. My memories of a high school and yours seem to coincide. Either we're both lying, both insane, or both telling the truth. But we're in accord.

LUCY: Your nickname was Maddog.

ANDREW: But that wasn't exclusive information.

LUCY: Your real name isn't Andrew.

ANDREW: Niether is that. What was my real name?

LUCY: I don't know. What makes you think I should?

ANDREW: Lucy was inquisitive. If she knew my name wasn't Maddog, she would have found out what it truly was.

LUCY: You liked being called Maddog.

ANDREW: Did I?

LUCY: You never asked to be called anything else.

ANDREW: Maybe I didn't think you'd agree.

LUCY: That's not how you behaved.

ANDREW: But you could still have asked.

LUCY: And would you have told me?

ANDREW: You didn't ask.

LUCY: No. I didn't.

ANDREW: We agree again. But you're curious as to what it was.

LUCY: A bit.

ANDREW: So why didn't you find out at the time?

LUCY: How?

ANDREW: Check with the school records. My real name would have been on the register.

LUCY: Look, you acted like you were happy being Maddog and I thought it would be rude.

ANDREW: So you were content to stay ignorant.

LUCY: Yes.

ANDREW: But not now. You want to know if Dave's in?

LUCY: Yes.

ANDREW: But not much. You could have phoned ahead, quizzed him at Frontier Videos. You could push past me.

LUCY: Believe me, that's getting an attractive option.

ANDREW: So you're prepared to be rude now.

LUCY: You're being rude, too.

ANDREW: Am I? I'm just asking questions.

LUCY: And I'm answering.

ANDREW: As am I.

LUCY: Does your unreliable memory suggest Dave is inside?

ANDREW: Why do you want an unreliable opinion?

LUCY: Better than none.

ANDREW: But since my opinion is unreliable, any answer I give will be untrustworthy. I might lie. There's a fifty-fifty chance he's there. I could say he is, and he is. I could say he isn't, and he isn't. I could say the wrong thing or the right thing.

LUCY: Unlikely, since if you're going to lie you wouldn't warn me.

ANDREW: Unless it was a double bluff.

LUCY: But you have no reason to double bluff me.

ANDREW: Except for the fact you turn up out of the blue, claiming without proof to be a friend from high school and asking me about the location of someone who doesn't know where they are.

LUCY: What proof would satisfy you I am who I am? Come to think of it, how do I know you're Andrew?

ANDREW: You don't. You assumed I was.

LUCY: You didn't contradict me.

ANDREW: Maybe I was being polite.

LUCY: But not being helpful.

ANDREW: Maybe I don't trust you.

LUCY: And how do I earn your trust?

ANDREW: Prove you are who you say you are.

LUCY: What, you want my birth certificate?

ANDREW: If you can prove it's yours.

LUCY: Why would I have someone else's birth certificate?

ANDREW: To pretend to be someone else.

LUCY: They wouldn't give it to me if I wasn't the rightful person.

ANDREW: Unless you found someway to subvert the rules, blackmail them perhaps?

LUCY: Why should I do that?

ANDREW: To convince me you are who you say you are.

LUCY: You think this is a conspiracy?

ANDREW: Can you prove it isn't?

LUCY: Can you prove it is?

ANDREW: No, but then any half-decent conspiracy can cover its own tracks.

LUCY: If I was part of a conspiracy, I wouldn't be drawing attention to myself, would I?

ANDREW: Unless it's a double bluff.

LUCY: Which it might not be.

ANDREW: Precisely what someone bluffing would say.

LUCY: Because it's precisely what someone who isn't bluffing would say.

ANDREW: That makes sense.

LUCY: So it's true.

ANDREW: I wouldn't go that far. It makes sense that you are a liar trying to convince me of your good intentions and character so I won't interfere with your plan. But it also makes sense you are the genuine article and all the circumstancial evidence to the contrary is just a coincidence.

LUCY: So?

ANDREW: So the facts point to you being a liar and telling the truth at the same time.

LUCY: Unless you're too stupid to tell the difference.

ANDREW: If I cannot tell the difference, why have I mentioned both categories?

LUCY: You have the wrong definitions.

ANDREW: Like jealousy and envy.

LUCY: Yes.

ANDREW: Two different concepts, yet mistaken for each other by lots of people.

LUCY: Yes. And if you're going to say that lots of people believing it makes it true, I'm going to get annoyed.

ANDREW: You dislike the concept of democracy.

LUCY: Well, be fair, it's lead to a stalemate.

ANDREW: How so?

LUCY: I vote I'm genuine, you vote I'm not. Stalemate.

ANDREW: Then proof is required. Proof you are telling the truth or proof you are lying.

LUCY: But what proof will satisfy you? And don't say "you tell me".

ANDREW: Perhaps a driver's license.

LUCY: 'Perhaps'? Can't you think of something certain?

ANDREW: Why should I?

LUCY: You're the one that wanted proof.

ANDREW: What makes you say that?

LUCY: I remember you asking for proof.

ANDREW: Memory is unreliable.

LUCY: Don't you remember asking for proof?

ANDREW: I might have been lying.

LUCY: So, while I maintain I'm telling the truth, you aren't sure if you are.

ANDREW: Does that make me less honest?

LUCY: Only if I'm not telling the truth.

ANDREW: Can you prove you're telling the truth?

LUCY: I can let you try to prove I'm not and watch you fail.

ANDREW: You're certain I'd fail.

LUCY: Yes.

ANDREW: So if I were to get your DNA tested, it would be a forgone conclusion that it would match.

LUCY: Yes.

ANDREW: Unless you've rigged the test somehow.

LUCY: But I haven't.

ANDREW: You might.

LUCY: This test hasn't even happened yet!

ANDREW: But you're still certain you'd pass.

LUCY: I'm certain I'd pass any test without cheating.

ANDREW: And what if you're lying?

LUCY: Look. We've spent ten minutes out here arguing about whether or not I am who I say I am. Why?

ANDREW: Because your identity is in question.

LUCY: Everything is in question. What's the big deal?

ANDREW: You can't prove you are who you say you are.

LUCY: Niether can you. We can't prove everything. The whole world is taken on trust. All we're doing is wasting time, aren't we?

ANDREW: ...Checkmate!

LUCY: What?

ANDREW: Occam's Razor! Hidden Persuaders! Storm Mine!

(Dave approaches)

DAVE: Oh, hi Lucy. (sees Andrew) Oh no.

ANDREW: DEATH'S HEAD! TAREN CAPEL!!

DAVE: You've been listening to Kaldor City again, haven't you?

ANDREW: You tell me.

(Lucy headbutts Andrew unconscious.)

LUCY: Fuck that got boring quickly.