I sent this out to a competition back in 2005, the prize being for it to be performed on stage. The other entry I sent was a cheap skit based on Tom Baker driving a producer to try to kill him. Niether was accepted. So it's their loss, obviously. Screw the lot of them. If I remembered who they were, I'd name them and damn the consequences. You got off lightly this time, generic drama competition. My dyspraxia won't always be there to save you...
Enlightenment (AKA "Give Me Strength")
[Two men, DAVE and ANDREW stand around a pool table in the middle of a game. Two beers rest on a nearby table next to two stools. The air is that of a late night at the local pub. After striking the balls, ANDREW looks up off stage while DAVE shoots the cue.]
ANDREW: That’s the third time today Johnson’s been to the toilet.
DAVE: You think it’s significant?
ANDREW: Maybe. Maybe he’s meeting someone.
DAVE: In the gents?
ANDREW: Wouldn’t surprise me. That guy gives me the creeps.
DAVE: [ROLLS EYES] So that automatically means he’s gay?
ANDREW: Could be.
DAVE: Sometimes I think you’re homophobic.
ANDREW: Do you?
[A thoughtful pause. They sip their drinks and play pool for a moment.]
ANDREW: I mean, it’s not an entirely bad thing, is it?
DAVE: Yes it is!
ANDREW: Hey, I’m not saying it’s an entirely good thing, just saying there is a silver lining.
DAVE: What kind of silver lining is there to being a bigot?
ANDREW: Oh, I dunno...
[ANDREW looks around the stage at invisible clientelle.]
ANDREW: Let’s say for example that that bloke over there...
[DAVE turns to look in the indicated direction.]
ANDREW: [QUICKLY] Don’t look!!
[DAVE turns back to face ANDREW.]
ANDREW: [CONTINUING] ...is, in fact, an axe-wielding homicidal maniac. Who just happens to be gay. Now, if you were homophobic, you’d be glancing at him all the time, certain he’s up to something. He’s picking up that pint glass... Is he going to throw it? No? No, he’s just drinking from it... But he might have thrown it... In a queer fashion.
DAVE: You’re talking crap.
ANDREW: Am I? The point is, this hypothetical homophobe is so riddled with paranoia he’s ready for the first sign of trouble. So when our homosexual axe-murder makes his move, the homophobe knows what to do.
DAVE: And what’s that?
ANDREW: Run away. Scream. Duck. Depends on the situation, really.
[ANDREW makes another move in the pool game.]
DAVE: Utter, utter crap. Homosexuals don’t go round killing people, Andrew.
ANDREW: Oh, typical. It’s just us straight people who are axe-wielding homicidal maniacs! How prejudiced can you get!
DAVE: OK, OK, but not all homosexuals are killers. Some, maybe, I suppose – statistical probability and all that. But the chances are that this gay bloke or woman is just a gay bloke or woman and is not preparing to run around wielding axes and killing people.
ANDREW: You try telling that to a homophobe.
DAVE: [MOVES TO SHOOT] I just did. [PAUSE] I think.
ANDREW: I admit that, 9 times out of 10 this homophobe on the look out for gay psychotics will be wrong and he’s leaping to the wrong conclusion. But that means that at least 1 time out of 10 he’s going to be right and that axe is aimed right for your neck!
DAVE: And that’s a good thing?
ANDREW: Well, I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be wrong and embarrassed than accurate and dead. Rather have a whole pub turn on you for your backward, intolerant phobia than being PC and beheaded.
DAVE: So, you’re saying we should all be homophobes and live a life of bigotry and hatred just on the off-chance there happens to be a serial killer sitting at the next table?
ANDREW: [OBLIVIOUS TO ANY SARCASM] Yeah, why not?
DAVE: Why not?
ANDREW: Yeah, I mean, it’s nothing personal. We’re on the look out for psychopaths who just happen to be gay, not all gay people. I dare say a heterophobe would come in handy as well in that line of work.
DAVE: Finding straight people who are murders?
ANDREW: Makes sense, Dave.
DAVE: [SHAKES HEAD] You have got big problems, you know that.
ANDREW: Problem shared, problem doubled Dave. No, wait, I got that bit wrong...
DAVE: Besides, you wouldn’t be a true homophobic would you? You’d be a psycho-phobic or something like that.
ANDREW: Yeah, that wouldn’t be very practical now you come to mention it.
DAVE: [CONFUSED] Not very practical??
ANDREW: Unless I was in a gay club or something, there’s a good chance some of the clientelle are straight. If I’m busy checking the gays for any signs of murderous intent, that’ll leave me open to the straight murderers. And if I concentrate on the straights, the gays will be after me.
DAVE: Can’t you concentrate on all of them?
ANDREW: [EXASPERATED] Try to take this seriously, Dave!
[He guides DAVE to stand facing one half of the audience.]
ANDREW: Look, I’ll be the hypothetical homophobe looking for hypothetical gay murderers and you be the hypothetical heterophobe looking for hypothetical straight murderers.
DAVE: Why do I have to be the heterophobe?
ANDREW: Because it's either that or be the homophobe. And you sort of gave the impression that I rather suited that role.
DAVE: [SIGHS LOUDLY] Fine. I’m the heterophobe.
[ANDREW moves to stand opposite DAVE.]
DAVE: Wouldn’t work.
ANDREW: Why not?
DAVE: Well, that means I’d be checking you out all the time and you me. You’re the straight guy and I’m not. We can’t rely on each other to watch our own backs.
ANDREW: You can trust me to keep an eye on you, you possibly-homicidal poofter!
DAVE: Yeah, but can I trust you not to stab me in the back?
ANDREW: What? You think I’m some kind of nutter?
DAVE: [PERFECTLY SERIOUS] Yes.
ANDREW: All right, forget the role-playing for now.
DAVE: Who said I was role-playing?
ANDREW: Look, I’m just trying to see the positive aspects of homophobia.
DAVE: But it’s not true homophobia, is it?
ANDREW: Isn’t it?
DAVE: No. It’s homosexual-psychopathic-killer-phobia.
ANDREW: Oh. A sort of homo-psycho-phobia.
ANDREW: What if he’s not a psychopath?
ANDREW: What if he’s not a psychopath?
DAVE: He’s trying to attack you with an axe. Don’t you think he’s a psychopath?
ANDREW: Could be a sociopath.
DAVE: All right. Homo-psycho-socio-phobia.
ANDREW: And what if he’s a straight sociopath? It’d be homo-hetero-psycho-socio-phobia.
DAVE: [DRYLY] And what if he’s a zombie?!
ANDREW: Well, it’s be homo-hetero-psycho-socio-necro-phobia.
DAVE: So, you think that a fear of bisexual, axe-wielding corpses is a reasonable thing to have?
ANDREW: Makes sense to me.
DAVE: Garbage. Utter garbage.
ANDREW: So, you’re a bit of a homo-hetero-psycho-socio-necro-skeptic, then?
DAVE: Yes. And there’s nothing I’d rather be.
[DAVE returns to playing the pool game, but pauses when he spots someone and draws ANDREW’S attention towards them.]
DAVE: Hey, Andrew, look. See that lady by the dart board? Does she honestly look like an undead, murderous, sexually amoral killing machine? Seriously?
[ANDREW thinks about this for a worryingly long time.]
DAVE: [DELIGHTED] You see.
ANDREW: But then it’s always hard to tell with Asians.
DAVE: Oh, give me strength.
[DAVE shakes his head and walks out. ANDREW is surprised.]
ANDREW: Hey! Dave! You forgot your beer!
[ANDREW hurries after him.]