Oh, how times have jaded my optimistic soul. Over the last few months all respect I've had for several fan allumni has dropped below rock bottom. Alan Stevens for example, has eroded his place from "intelligent but slightly too insightful" B7 extraordinaire to "oxygen thief", when I read his blog and found all the posts NOT involving a certain Miss Moore slagging him off for being a wanker being a LIST of every time ANYTHING in a Doctor Who episode reminds him of something else. Because, as we all know, Survival was the last time anything even remotely original occured. What's more, looking at his rants on the forum make his "essays" look hideously pathetic - Season Two is crap not because it's crap, it's because Alan Stevens guessed wrong about the story arc. Season Two is intolerant and close minded because Alan Stevens didn't get many mentions for his list of gay references in Doctor Who.
But Mad Larry finally lost any respect with his latest post on his blog. The blog where he deletes everything after a week because our oh-so-fucking-clever Laurence Miles is too shit scared to leave his opinions in open views. The guy who acts like Sam Tyler in a world of Raymondos has covered his blog in porn shots and Steven Moffat abuse, followed by an itemized list of why his opinion of what makes Doctor Who good is better than anyone elses.
Well, here's a list of ways you can improve your blog while Steve 'improves' Doctor Who.
1. Stop using the Royal "We"
As has been demonstrated, you are not the bleeding majority, Larry. You remind me of those Seskis-wannabes on your oh-so-unimpressive tale Book of the World, always acting like you automatically agree with him or else you're odd. We know that Season 4 is crap. We know that Steven Moffat is evil. We know Laurence Miles deserves to write an episode of New Who despite him hurling abuse at everyone involved with in it. A clue: no. Don't make up MY mind for me, bitch. Since you have such complete antipathy for other people, it's just a tad hypocritical to summon up the Silent Majority to back you up. You have no interest in agreeing with us, so why should we agree with you?
2. Stop reprinting About Time material.
I've bought all the books. And it's odd how you seem to think that we've all read them, because you reprint chunks out of context and expect us to understand them. Yeah, I see what you're saying. I also see that you are unable to go for a post without going, "As I completely and utterly proved beyond all shadow of a doubt in that essay", reprinting two paragraphs and wanting to look competent. Well, it don't work. It looks like you can't actually write enough material for your blog at any given minute.
3. Stop bagging out other writers
Maybe if you just concentrated on writing stuff instead of sitting in front of the TV, maybe you WOULD have an amazing career. Why the hell should anyone give you a job or ask you to write things? You act like the entire writing community and all of civilization is something you peeled off your shoe! Yet woe betide people complaining about your blog, oh no. How very dare we. Bitch about Tat Wood, the bloke who suffered your cowriting of About Time, and you don't across as anyone we'd like to know SOCIALLY, let alone work with.
4. Mental illness is no excuse.
You can talk, write and form coherent arguments. Any psychological problems you have are so invisible to the audience it seems you claim them because, "I'm a complete arsehole" is not something you're prepared to admit. Either way, get out of the house into the real world, talk to REAL people rather than basing your worldview on an essay you wrote about why the Fifth Doctor got crap TV viewing figures.
5. Take responsibility for your own actions
So your life isn't perfect. Welcome to the solar system. I stared boggle mouthed at your little rant about Steven Moffat, where you blame him for every damn single thing wrong with your life. Not just Moffat, of course, but a whole cross section of humanity, with which he is just the forefront. Oh, he gave your shoulder a matey squeeze. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! Stand up for yourself. He didn't force you to the floor, shove a funnel down your throat and empty the contents of the bar down it, did he? Your alcoholism is your own damn fault. Your ridiculous anti social manner, which prevented you getting RTD's phone number all those years ago, is your own damn fault. And even if Moffat is this evil bastard whose ruined your life and, despite a consensus equalling the population of Tokyo, a rubbish writer, what the FUCK have you done to get over it? Sit in front of the TV shouting how you don't like the new Doctor Who! STOP WATCHING IT THEN!
6. Get a Grip
OK, Mad Larry, think about the conflicting messages you give people. You are OF COURSE deserving of writing a whole episode of Doctor Who. You are also a person who uploads porn images on the internet and dismisses the death of children as "irrelevent". You are disappointed and disgusted with every single aspect of the new series. Yet your only response is to scribble out a script, wave it in the air, then remove it after a week. Your link didn't even work! If it were not for Jared, I wouldn't have read the bloody thing. Who are these people you think will automatically agree with your quest to write for TV? You don't let anyone comment on your blog, you make it damn near impossible for casual readers to digest what's going on. Why should "we" petition for your inclusion? Your blog is half-filled with an unfunny attack on Moffat's writing style, in a manner immature for a seven year old.
7. Get off your fucking high horse
I've read Interference. I've read Alien Bodies. I read Book of the World. I read Vrs. And I even read your excuse for Faction Paradox comics. You're not the best writer ever. You are, at best, an ideas man. Look at Book of the World. Brilliant ideas. I can't fault them - giant libraries, shadow dimensions, planets in books. But they're ideas. The execution is rubbish. The characters are all assholes. There isn't a single part of it that makes me actually WANT to keep reading. None of it actually matters. There's also the fact that since you bigged up the thing as originality personified, I found it dripping with plagiarism from pretty much everything EXCEPT Silence in the Library. It was dull, it was tedious, smug, arrogant and a waste of webspace. And then, THEN, you do your "hilarious" bit where you get a screencap from SIL and have a caption saying, "Oh, some floating barges would be much better!" Really? Why? Yeah, nice picture to look at, but you don't actually have a reason WHY such a ridiculously dangerous and impractical method is used, huh?
8. Stop deleting posts
Why? I mean, WHY?! Don't you have the courage to leave the words up? Why put it up in the first place? Is there some tiny faction of fans who you KNOW want to read it? Just email them! But no, you want everyone to run to YOUR time table, rush to your blog every week because what's there will vanish within seven days. Your opinions not important enough to last a fortnight, then?
9. The Seal of Rassilon
You really think it's that funny?
10. Lighten up for once
When was the last time you ever actually had something positive to say? About ANYTHING? Everything you spew out drips with dissillusionment and disappointment at the entire world not living up to YOUR particular standards. But you don't actually get off your cold serial-killer-shaped arse and do anything do you? And why use the black and green background? Lighten it up a bit, you fucking emo sadact!
11. The passive aggressive thing has got to go
"Haha! I'm Mad Larry The Pirate King! Everyone hates me! Even Julian Glover! Here's a list of people who hate me saying that they hate me! No one agrees with me! I said I could piss Blink in my sleep! Don't mind me, everyone hates me! I'm a lonely alocoholic with no friends and the whole world despises me! Hahahaha! Are you feeling guilty yet? See how well I cope with such unfairness! Oh, I am a genius! HAHAHA!"
12. Actually review something for once
Since you seem unable to do more than two lines before digressing on a rant for six thousand words on WHY everyone is wrong and Doctor Who fandom is a self-contradictory myth based on nostalgic stereotype, maybe you could, I dunno, focus slightly. Only one damn review I've read was actually a review and THAT stole its format from Old No Nickname Hansen!
13-25. Oop, I just deleted them. They were here last week. Too late.
Not much fun, is it?
The last thirteen weeks have ground my opinion of Larry into the dirt. He's not clever. He's not nice. He's not even interesting. The Tat Wood solo About Time 6 showed who was providing the really amusing and entertaining material, and also who was professional enough to finish what was started. Every week, I looked at the oh-so-brief nugget of Milesian madness, wanting to be impressed, or intrigued, but was subjected to an offensive, misogynistic rant of self-justifying claptrap about why the world sucks since there will never be a DVD boxset with "Laurence Miles" somewhere on the spine.
Well, you finally convinced me that this reality is one to strive for. I'll lock the cage, since you have no interest to actually get out of it.