Some of these questions are asked in The Youth of Australia Annual 2005. But since few reading this blog will have read it, I post it here, unedited, and in full.
1 What do you think has been your most life-changing decision?
Well, it was a while ago now. It was back when I was living with my parents, during the 80s. 1980s. Late 1980s… Ahhh. Yes, well my dad found these videos under Uncle Michael’s bed and was having a blazing row... So, I nicked one when no one was looking, put it into the VCR when no one else was around and watched it. It was a film called Lesbian Spank Inferno Unabridged. I can truthfully say I haven’t been the same since – I was so lame back then! Seriously!
2 Do you have a recurring nightmare?
Well, I have a nightmare that I can’t seem to wake up from. I was in this car, shagging Sarah Michelle-Gellar senseless, when David Boreanez turns up in fangs and a cape. The bastard tries to rip my throat out, and I open my eyes – I’m lying in bed. I roll over, close my eyes – and I’m back in the car being murdered by a vampire! I open my eyes and I’m back in the bedroom and I decide to stay awake. I roll over again and then I find the undead cunt is lying beside me, trying to bite my neck! I roll over again, fall out of bed and I can hear Andrew thumping the wall, telling to keep the noise down. So, er, what was the question again?
3 What is the rudest thing someone has ever said to you?
Oh, it was this hippie chick I met at the Newtown festival. She was wearing body paint and nothing else, so when she asked to ‘feel my aura’ I just said, ‘Yes, please!!!’ And then the stupid bint just waved her hands in my face and said, ‘Nigel, your aura is very dark and turbulent. You’re a very angry man, extremely bitter and ill-tempered person.’ So, I said to her, ‘FUCK OFF!’
4 How many number one singles from the past year can you name?
Ah. Well, er, you see… the thing is… uh, what was the past year?
5 What object would you save first if your house was on fire?
Dude, if my house was on fire, I would be the one who started it. So trust me, anything I wanted to keep would already be safe. Oh, er, I see. Um… I’d have to go with Inflatable Ingrid, my Deluxe Model Plastic Pal.
6 What is your greatest unfulfilled ambition?
To have sex with Bernice, my sister. As we’re adopted, it is perfectly legal. Oh, man, just thinking of her lithe body underrr minen … excuse ne.
7 Have you ever cheated on an exam?
Nope. Honestly! Don’t look at me like that! Check my HSC results if you don’t believe me! I flunked it fair and square! Besides, you know Einstein had shitty grades in school? Well – mine are worse!
8 Who was the last person to send you flowers?
I can’t remember their names for long. But they remember me all right. Oooooh, yeah. Hahah. Sweet, sweet candy…
9 What is the best joke you know?
Andrew Beeblebrox. Or politician John Howard. It’s a close run thing, though.
10 What is the rudest joke you know?
Hah! Oh yeah um, I’m terrible at the joke bit, but the punchline was, ‘You’re sweating like a nigger trying to read’! Haahahahahah! OH, HAHAHAHA! HAHHA! HAH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAH! OOH, DEAR! HAHAHAHAH! HAHAA! OH YES. HAHA! AHAHAHH! Man, that’s fantastic. Whoo. Heh.
11 Do you watch daytime TV?
Oh, some of it. The Bill. Some comedy shows. When I’m allowed near the fucking television that is… I digress.
12 What is the single most money you’ve ever spent on a single luxury?
Uh, $200 and it was for a crate of tinned asparagus. I didn’t actually know what I was buying, just I had the money in my pocket and the guy had a knife. He said he’d cut off my goolies lest I not purchase the crate. Where is that stuff now, I wonder? We never did get round to eating it…
13 Have you ever woken up not knowing where you were?
Well, the bedrooms do start to look similar after a while. But I usually work out where I am by the appearance and number of the women I’m with.
14 What is the most embarrassing thing in your wardrobe?
Some homemade crabapple jam and a decomposing body. Why? I have no idea. I don’t even like jam, and I don’t even know what a crabapple looks like! Crazy times, man, crazy times...
15 Who is your guru?
The character of Cassanova Frankenstien from the movie Mystery Men. The Cat from Red Dwarf. Mike Thecoolperson from The Young Ones.
16 Do you believe in reincarnation?
Yep. And I’m either going to come back as a fur bikini or a giraffe. The giraffe for the obvious opportunity of being above the trees and seeing supermodels taking topless helicopter lessons over the sun-drenched plains of… of… of wherever the hell giraffes come from… The fur bikini… just because I really, really like the idea of a fur bikini…
17 Who is the best James Bond: Sean Connery or Roger Moore?
What? Other people have played James Bond? It isn’t just Pierce Brosnan? Jesus, I had no idea, absolutely no idea…
18 Are you a good kisser?
AM I A GOOD KISSER? Do bears shit in the woods? You know that song by the Doug Anthony All-Stars, The World’s Best Kisser? They wrote it about me. Yeah, even though I wasn’t born until they were splitting up, it was about me. One kiss, I’ll know what you had for lunch. Yesterday. Mmm. Boiled eggs? Am I right or am I right?
19 Have your ever pulled the legs off a spider?
No. Maybe spread them but – HEY! Why do you want to know this?!
20 What is the most ferocious argument you have ever had and who was it with?
Um, Andrew. And pretty much about everything. If I want to do something, chances are, he doesn’t. I’ve just lost track nowadays.
21 Which part of your body would you like to change?
My hair. I wish it would just stay peroxide blonde, goddamn it!
22 In which one of the seven deadly sins do you indulge in most often: anger, sloth, gluttony, covetousness, envy, pride or lust?
I get angry when the women can’t be bothered to get off their arses and come to me, I mean, I only want a thousand or so hand-picked virgins that were mine – ONLY mine, because I hate people who have larger harems than me – and they would be the best girls in the whole world because I am the coolest guy in the entire created omniverse. And I’d screw them all senseless.
23 Would you ever appear nude on TV, film or stage?
Yep and yep, I already have. For TV, it was a very complicated tale that ended up with me running out of an exam hall stark bollock naked into a waiting Channel 9 TV crew who wanted to interview people doing the HSC. There was a stage in the exam hall I draped myself over at one point, and it was all shot on film so, er, damn it I am so cool! I mean, WOW!
24 What is the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
The answer to Question 31.
25 When have you been most scared?
Watching Battlefield: Earth. The fact those fuckwits not only got away with making that shit but actually made a fortune in ticket sales and merchandising to this day fills me with this kind of nameless dread. No, wait, it has a name: John Travolta.
26 What new law would you pass?
Anyone who made it big on the ABC would have to stay there. I don’t particularly like the ABC, I just hate having to get up and change the channel.
27 Were you bullied at school?
Not for long. Let’s just say that a winning smile, a drop of patience and flick-knife can cover a multitude of sins.
28 What is guaranteed to cheer you up?
A blow job. Chocolate. A chocolate blow job. Take your pick.
29 When were you last sick after drinking too much?
Well, it was a competition with Andrew about something. I forget what – the brain cell with that information was lost during the competition. Yes, I drank 80 gin and tonics, had a pint of scotch, another 80 gin and tonics, then I went into this red rattler train and began eating 80 beef vindaloos. Things got a bit weird – I proposed to my current girlfriend. Well, I think it was my current girlfriend. It could have been someone else’s girlfriend. Maybe both of them. Maybe it was a guy? Maybe it was the 161st gin and tonic? Maybe it was one of those 80 policemen who seemed to be standing around me? Well, I dozed off, woke up the next morning next to a policeman and the policeman’s boyfriend on Town Hall station. Anyway, I got on the red rattler home and drank some Alka-Seltzer. Turned out it was mercury so I had to induce vomiting in order to save my life.
30 Is there such a thing as true evil?
Of course. His name is Kerry Packer.
31 Who is the most fanciable person you’ve ever worked with?
Natasha Stotdespoya. Man, that was some work experience.
32 Do you believe in capital punishment?
No, but I used to believe in Santa Claus.
33 Who should play you in a film of your life?
The guy who was in Mastermind and played Connor in Angel. Him, covered in vegemite with bleached blonde hair. With his voice dubbed by the Chef from South Park.
34 Which soap opera character do you most identify with?
Phil Hunter from The Bill. Only much sexier and not as stupid.
35 Have you ever stolen anything?
Just the hearts of a million jailbait girls looking for love and finding something far more… tangible. Oh, and I defrauded Centrelink out of $30, 000.00 but they’re not going to read this – are they?
36 Who should be president of Australia if the country were declared a republic?
John Howard. The one from Seachange and Always Greener, though, not the Mr. Sheen stunt double we have for a prime minister. I saw his audition in The Games and he’s got the bottle to play the part.
37 Have you ever written a letter of complaint?
Yes, actually. I was mucking about at school during Stuvac, and I found the ABC’s Feedback website, so I typed in, ‘You wankers! I put a cap in your ass! Yours sincerely, David Restal.’ Then, I sent in ‘I want more Noddy on TV. Ever since you put Brum on ABC I have been thrown into a mental institution, where I just sit in the corner, straight-jacketed, humming the Noddy theme tune to myself for hours on end. More Brum. All my hate, Dave Restal.’ You know what? The posts never turned up on the site, so I went and typed in, ‘YOU DARE CENSOR ME?!? I KILL YOU ALL!’ Well, then the principal came in to find me looking up Lego Porn sites and, er, let’s just move on, shall we?
38 Did you have a childhood hero?
If you’ve seen the movie Get Crazy, there’s that robotic cowboy who appears and disappears at random throughout the film, providing lots and lots of drugs, spiking the water supply, that sort of thing… Anyway, back on topic, there’s this rock star who gets some of the drugs and suddenly his dick starts telling him how to run his life. The rock star is so impressed he makes his dick his new tour manager. Get Crazy, man. That’s just all I have to say.
39 What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Normally I just check out exactly how many gorgeous young women I’ve picked up the night before, roll over and go back to sleep. Assuming there’s enough room, of course.
40 If you had three wishes, what would they be?
Well, for a start: a bong that never ran out. Two, a sort of ‘Access All Areas’ pass to any woman I wanted and, er, three: a thousand more wishes. Am I cool or what? I mean, I spit ice cubes. You could run a fridge offa my personality!
41 Do you like enemas?
No. And I speak from cold, flushing experience!
42 Do you follow a soap opera?
I tried to understand Night and Day, and went certifiably mad for three days. When the baby was born a hermaphrodite, I just gave up. The big question: what happened to Jane Harper? A bigger question: who fucking cares?
43 Who was your first best friend?
A guy I met at primary school, called Mitchell. We were great friends – we spent all our time together. Mitchell was a great joker. He’d always shout things like ‘FOR GOD’S SAKE, YOU MADMAN, LEAVE – ME – ALONE!’ and hurl live lobsters at me, screeching all the while. Wacky guy, huh? Then I got this note that he had mysteriously been killed in a car accident along with his entire family and that there was no way I could go to the funeral or speak to his family I might as well forget the whole thing. I did notice it wasn’t in any of the papers under Births, Marriages & Deaths. Hmm. Publishers, eh?
44 Who is your best friend now?
Let’s just say I see him on a regular basis – during sexual intercourse and visits to the lavatory. He’s not ‘Little Nigel’, more sort of ‘Nigel’s Column’. I’ve got a plesiosaur for a love truncheon and when ‘Nessie’ is the mood, there’s no knowing when and where we’ll stop.
45 Would your life be different without Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Very probably. For a start: I would have no fucking idea what you were talking about in this question; Sarah Michelle-Gellar would be known solely for her work on Cruel Intentions; a hell of a lot of merchandise wouldn’t be bought and sales of tissue boxes over the last seven years would have dropped dramatically; Angel would never have been made; a lot of in-jokes in Friends and Xena wouldn’t make sense; Peter Berner wouldn’t have anything to think about every five seconds; Anthony Stewart-Head would have stayed in Jonathon Creek; there would have been no hot Tara/Willow action which brings us back to the sales of tissues and paper towels… I could go on.
46 What do you see – a glass half empty or half full?
Sure. One of those options. Definitely.
47 Do you like your own name?
It’s pretty cool. But I prefer it when its being screamed at the ceiling by my latest bitch.
48 Who would you most like to meet?
The tambourinist from The Dandy Warhols.
49 What makes you angry?
Nasty little yeast infections. Especially the crusty ones that need antibiotics.
50 Can you remember your first kiss?
Yes. I was sitting on Granddad’s knee on a warm summer’s afternoon. I looked up into his warm, kind eyes and smiled a secret smile… then Elizabeth came in and I snogged her rotten. She was about five at the time and I gave her something to remember and cherish… until she was put down the next summer by the local vet. I do miss her.
51 When and where were you happiest?
New Year’s Eve, 1997, behind the shed outside our house. That night, I found the will to live, the joy of sex, and an uneaten packet of cinnamon doughnuts.
52 What is the worst place that you have ever stayed the night?
It was when my brother Gavin took me for a joyride with Ryan, Owen and Josephine in a car we stole. I decided to moon this guy coming out of a TAB. Would you believe it: he was a plain-clothed cop! He pulled out this gun and opened fire. Well, we decided it was serious when Owen announced ‘Shit! I’m bleeding!’ and collapsed, so we dumped the car. I climbed down this hill and into a storm water tunnel that lead into the sewer. Believe me, I don’t know how the Turtles managed it, man. It took me two days to get out – and that lead me to the basement of the local police station. But that’s another story…
53 Do you believe it can rain fish?
Who cares? We’re in the middle of a drought, remember? Jesus…
54 If you could swap places with a member of the opposite sex, who would it be?
The girl I’m in bed with at the time. Show her that that ‘foreplay’ crap is just an urban legend. Then, I’d run outside in the rain, getting all wet. Then, I’d go inside and strip. In a room full of mirrors. I LIKE this question.
55 Is Elvis still alive?
WHY DO YOU CARE? I mean, if we reach the year 2096, will we still be asking this question? He would have died of old age by then, wouldn’t he? No? Honestly, why’s he so special? I mean, he’s shit itself compared to John Lennon (about the only thing I agree with Andrew about) and no one is out there saying ‘John is alive, man! Make piece not war!’ Elvis freaks – get a life! It’s an option the King isn’t getting ever again, is it?
56 What is the worst song you have ever heard?
The theme tune to Crank Yankers. No, The Eagle Rock. Hah, I always get those two mixed up. I used to like The Eagle Rock – until that bitch-whore Sigrid fucking Thornton sank it in the bath. I was physically ill for three weeks after I saw that episode of Seachange.
57 Were you well-behaved at school?
Definitely. I was very advanced. Very, VERY advanced if you get my drift.
58 What was the last video you bought?
Kath & Kim. Series 1, Volume 7. I just put the tape in the VCR, turn the volume down and… well, never mind.
59 Have you ever seen a ghost?
Yes, actually. I saw Mitchell after his fatal car accident, shopping for groceries with his wife in Macdonald Town. I thought it must have been someone else, but when I called him by his name he turned around, looked at me, screaming ‘OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!’ then ran off into the distance. Or does that count as a zombie sighting?
60 What job would you have liked to have?
As one of the X5s who were forced to sleep with Jessica Alba’s character in Dark Angel every night for seven months. But not the ones she killed, obviously. That would be stupid.
61 What is the most frightening film you ever saw?
Species. The thought that a nymphomaniac blonde was prepared to shag me to the brink and then kill me… I mean, it’s an impossible choice, isn’t it?
62 What is your earliest memory?
It was the whole clan getting together for one of those photos. My parents got me to take the photo and insisted I never let any part of myself appear in it. That and my pre-school teacher calling me a little wanker.
63 Is there life after death?
Only in the party season.
64 Did you ever suck your thumb?
Depended what was on it.
65 What would you do if you won the lottery?
Lets confine ourselves to saying that several adult bookstores throughout the Inner West would soon be re-ordering the vast majority of their stock. I’d also finally get round to getting membership to some, er, exotic web sites. And, if anything was left, I might pay off Centrelink.
66 Where would you most like to have a picnic?
In the girls’ shower room just after a hot, sticky game of netball on a warm summer’s day. Ahhh. Down, boy! Hahaa! Woof! Hahaha! Sweet, sweet candy, sweet, sweet candy…
67 Are things getting better or worse?
Worse. You keep asking me these questions I have to answer, damn it!
68 What is your most treasured possession?
A box of everlasting matches I was sold for $645. Light them and they burn forever. As it’s a no-sparks year, apparently, I can’t demonstrate the matches or even take them out of the box. But when I can, I will. We’ll see who the idiot is then, huh?!
69 What is your favorite item of clothing?
My one-of-a-kind I AM WHAT WOMEN WANT T-shirt, which I got printed on Valentine’s Day. It’s been better company than any human woman on those long, lonely nights...
70 What was your favorite toy as a child?
It was a special edition Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Action Figure. Donatello, he had this shell which swung open on a hinge and you could put all these weapons and cool stuff inside. Me? I kept a couple of condoms, a folded up sketch of nude Kylie Minogue and a cigarette lighter in it.
71 Have you ever asked for an autograph?
Yes. Well, offered an autograph. I just went around railway square, asking all the attractive women I met if I could sign their tits. And one day, I’ll succeed. One day. One day…
72 Have we been visited by aliens yet?
You’ve met Andrew, haven’t you?
73 What’s your favorite meal?
Uh, fresh croissants with a White Magnum – well, any ice cream that is vanilla wrapped in white chocolate. Sweet, sweet candy… Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
74 What items do you always carry with you?
My charisma, my animal magnetism and my sunglasses. They may look prince nez now, but they used to have frames. Anyway, I managed to draw – well, trace – some intensely pornographic images onto the lenses and do a nifty hologram thing, so when I move my head to the left, the turnip is shoved right in… Ooooh, yeah.
75 What book are you reading at the moment?
Peter Benchley’s Jaws. It says on the back, ‘Pick up Jaws before midnight, read the first five pages, and I guarantee you’ll be putting it down, breathless and stunned as dawn is breaking the next day.’ I’ve been going for five months and haven’t quite managed to reach page three. Why? Because it is AWFUL! AWFUL I SAY! WHAT DO I SAY? AWFUL, THAT’S RIGHT! Plus, I think I might be able to sue Pan Books Ltd under the Trades Description Act.
76 What would you like written on your gravestone?
‘There’s no point in living now, is there?’
77 Would you leave everything to travel through time and space with a complete stranger?
Nope. Once was enough. Definitely.
78 How often do you have a haircut?
All depends on fashion, cash flow and whether or not if the hairdresser gives me the horn.
79 Which day of your life would you most like to relive?
Bernice’s hens night. This time I’m absolutely certain I could seduce her and get her to the church on time. Definitely.
80 What was the most memorable thing written about you in a school report?
Ah, yes. It was when I was in primary school, taking Greek and Macedonian lessons. Hmm. Mrs. Haralumbas said on my report, ‘If he says ‘It’s all Greek to me’ one more time, I’ll kill the little runt.’ Mr. Contas said, ‘If he says ‘It’s all Greek to me one more time, I’ll kill him too.’ But deep down, they loved me, deep down.
81 What is the most sensitive part of your body?
Um, if you’re a woman: come over here and find out. If you’re a man: the remorse I feel in my heart after I kill a man for asking stupid questions.
82 What is/are your middle names?
Jay. A lot of people think that’s an initial. It isn’t.
83 What mementos of your life have you kept?
A lock of hair from everyone of my girlfriends. I’ll have enough for a giant calico yeti-outfit in, oh, five seconds?
84 Who or what has been your greatest inspiration?
Jessica Alba. The way she goes ‘into heat’ and needs any man she can find… It just gives all men hope for the future. One day, she’ll be mine. Oh, yes. Mine. What? What do you mean, it was “just a crude plot line”?!? No…
85 What was the best party you went to?
Uulungid Caloovin’s birthday bash. Definitely. A fantastic time. The barbacue failed to light, so Andrew tried to help out and set fire to the outside toilet. There was quite a queue for there, you know, because I was, ahem, ‘locked’ in the proper lavatory for two hours with the most attractive girl at the party. Yes, that was fantastic, there was stoned hippy chatting up a garden gnome, an undercover policeman planting marijuana in everyone’s coat pockets, some idiot running around the house naked shouting ‘Johnny Carson! Johnny Carson!’, and some bastard in the outside toilet with a book and the after-effects of a particularly strong vindaloo. The last thing I remember was reaching for the one hundredth and thirty… thirty-seventh glass of rum punch and the next thing I know I was in a prison cell, with blood on my hands and a baton up my arse. Happy days.