Booyah Bitches (Slight Return)

NOTE: This was written in early August. So if I'm dead when this is finally published, well, I hope you all feel really guilty. This is a review from BEYOND THE GRAVE! Unless I'm not dead at all. In which case this is rather pointless and self-indulgent. So at least it's in character if nought else.

Listening to Carribbean Blue (Hah! STILL can't spell my own titles!) PART TWO! As opposed to the rest of PART ONE which is what I wrote it as. Actually. Begorrah.

0:08 - Oh, well, would you Adam and Eve it! Music from the beginning of The Eleventh Hour! Typical, I bet someone thinks the whole "TARDIS falling out of the sky" thing was ripped off Moffat and not actually a homage to The Evil Dead (impressive given I've never seen it). Must say it does change the mood slightly. I want "OMG! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" not "YEEEEHAHHH! CRASH-LANDINGS ARE COOL!"

0:30 - "I do so hate uncorrected falacies!" HAH! Oh, man, that is clever because I'd totally forgotten that line and was siding with Emma on the whole "shut up you windbag and save our lives" issue. Needless to say, performances of the leads are excellent but I'm arrogant enough to think they've got good material to work with. Full fist.

0:54 - Um, hoping for a bit more hysteria. But I guess Emma has deadpan wired into her DNA. Or maybe it's hypnotic residue from the Master dulling her reactions! God damn it, I am brilliant at retcons...

1:05 - Yep. Much better theme music than the one on TV. Shame, Moffat, shame, you shouldn't have touched that song!

2:16 - That bit was inspired in 1993 on a Thursday when I saw State of Decay part four and assumed the Doctor's reluctance to use a sharpened tree trunk as a giant stake was down to ecological reason. (I misheard "It would take too long to place" as "too long to replace" and found it sweet the Doctor was worried about a tree over a giant freaking vampire omnicidal maniac...)

2:56 - Take a breath, god damn it! Who do you think you are, Paul Darrow?!

3:35 - Very good. Seriously. Trying-not-to-laugh-hysterically is hard to do from an acting point of view. I am genuinely impressed how natural they sound. I fear how the Chip Jamiesons of this world would cope with such a task.

4:02 - Who's brilliant idea was it to put cheerful background muzak throughout a scene where the characters stand around saying how creepy and silent it is?! Did the dialogue about creepy silence not suggest, you know, creepy silence was in order? Agh! Someone remove my glasses so I can headbutt the desk more drammatically!!

4:27 - This is a solemn moment! A mysterious dead bird! NOT POLKA TIME!!!

5:43 - GAHHHH! Jeez, I forgot how freaking terrifying the Corruptors sound... hooboy. Jeez. Maybe that lighthearted music was for the best. For the love of Christ. Seriously, do not listen to these bits in the dark. Scariest SFX since that chirping of the Psirens in Red Dwarf...

5:45 - "What the hell was that?" Emma becomes a literal author's mouthpiece, as I actually shouted those exact same words as listening. Pitch-perfect performance from the Doctor being offhand about this howl of damnation. Very Tom Baker and Matt Smith-ish simultaneously.

6:00 - I think I must have nicked that idea from Lord Iffy Boatrace; imagine The Young Ones doing Agetha Christie and well... anyway, his get rich scheme was for robotic pheasants that would play dead when shot at. There was a good reason for it, but I lost the book and can't for the life of me remember what that reason was. Something about not having to buy real pheasants to shoot or something.

7:04 - The Dover Demon is real, BTW. Well, I didn't make it up. The Big Book of the Unexplained is a real book too, a graphic anthology well worth your money. Ironically, it doesn't actually cover the Dover Demon at all. What am I like?

7:14 - "Where there's water, there's life." By staggering coincidence, this very day scientists found actual water on Mars. But they mustn't touch it. Not. One. Drop.

7:24 - um, that is supposed to be a monster rising out of the bushes and following them. I thought it would be done by fading out the Doctor and Emma, the sound of their footsteps getting softer and softer, then the monster, then the monster get softer and softer. Instead it's like they've gone "here's a soundbite of the monster for future reference" - hell, watch Tomb of the Cybermen and they do the exact same thing for Cybermats in part three. It's supposed to sneak into the room behind Kleig and Kaftan, but no, they cut to a Cybermat for five seconds for no apparent reason, then cut to something else. Tut-tut.

7:24 - Nigel Verkoff back in da house! Nice exposition, buster!

7:57 - And so is Macdon. Hmm. I must have jinxed things by mentioning Chip Jamieson.

8:12 - Um. It's pronounced "waist-relz"...

8:33 - This all sounded better in my head. Honestly. It was supposed to be a bitter, vicious argument with long-time colleagues expressing their grief through anger and abuse. Rather than a surprisingly smug debating society. Note to self, get LJ to stick to just wisecracks from now on. He does them better than long, passionate speeches. And Alexis hasn't grasped the idea of nervous breaking beyond speaking slowly and clearly. The guy's traumatized, not talking to a Danish tourist! I wonder if Maurice is better?

8:48 - Oh. He is. Well, that shut me up. Points for that very-painful-sounding punch.

9:41 - See? Ominous silence. Much better.

9:50 - Oh yeah, smackdown, RTD! SMACKDOWN! You'll rue the day you ever thought of the planet Zog analogy!

10:30 - The Doctor and Companion discuss the best suicide methods. Can you tell that I was depressed when I wrote this?

11:28 - "Things are easy!" Did I mention how much Mr. Ault rocks?

11:58 - "Innit"?! I don't remember writing that! Or Emma going "Oi!" randomly, either. *checks* No, I bloody well didn't! It was the word "right". When did Emma become a Cockney chav? If I'd known that I would have given her some well better dialogue, person, respect back atcha, apples and cockles and winkles, old bean...

12:11 - This joke would make more sense if the birds had been singing. Oh, well, take it as the Doctor being very sarcastic today, I guess.

13:00 - This is all perfect. That is all.

13:35 - Jeez... they really kicked ass on the horrible monster noises. I can't believe that I'm getting scared of a) a sound effect but b) the sound effect of monsters I created who c) aren't actually hostile! Ooh, spoiler!

15:01 - LJ, he can act all of a sudden! Must be delayed shock...

15:30 - This is better than the DWADs. Sorry, but after 30 years the business, they still can't do something as complicated as someone whispering as they overhear a conversation. Darker Projects, you recieve Fan Audio of Fist.

16:30 - Maurice is very good. Not as Paul Darrowish as I intended, he's a lot more self-aware rather than borderline autistic. That last line was supposed to be genuinely confused rather than a knowing wink to the audience. Not bad, just different.

16:45 - You know, looking back on it, making Alexis a major character was a mistake. He worked so well on paper... In fairness to the actor, the dialogue is precisely as written. Except he's supposed to be a nervous wreck rather than having seemingly forgotten his lines. Oh well. I can enjoy Paradise Towers despite Kroagnon, so this shouldn't be too bad.

18:50 - I did this gag before Partners in Crime. Honest.

19:25 - That's a reference to Ghostwatch, BTW. Or maybe Fury from the Deep. Whatever sounds cooler.

21:31 - Heh. Very good, Emma.

22:40 - What? They cut out the first contact joke! Philistines! For the record, after LJ hits the monster with a chair, Nigel would say "Oh, very friendly for a first contact situation, I must say!" I might have forgiven this, except the jokes they kept in were mainly delivered by Alexis. Which is not good.

23:44 - Ooh. Nice save from the actors there. The script I gave them, upon checking, was actually gibberish at that point. So... yeah.

25:00 - "Then talk quickly and be concise." Um, again fourth walling, as Vlyn slags off Alexis for his poor acting ability. Freaky.

26:27 - I'm too busy enjoying this to take detailed notes.

27:36 - Only I would have an audio play about silent monsters and flashing lights.

28:00 - Fuck yeah. THAT is a cliffhanger. That was supposed to be the first one.

28:10 - They said my name right! YAY!

29:05 - I want the next one...