Andrew & The Vanishing Verkoff (v)

[Tears for Fear's version of "Mad World" plays.]

[Looking depressed and lonely, Dave leaves his house and heads up the road.]

Song: All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces

[Andrew is sprinting out of FOX Studios out across the park towards the bus stop.]

Song: Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

[Dave reaches a chemist and enters.]

Song: And their tears are filling up their glasses

[Andrew reaches the bus stop. He realizes he is alone and turns around. Gabby is still struggling to catch up with him.]

Song: No expression, no expression

[Blank-faced, Dave crosses to the shelf of sleeping pills and shoves a row of boxes off the shelf to fall into a canvas shopping bag.]

Song: Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

[Andrew is pacing at the bus stop, fidgeting, impatient. Gabby is still running and nowhere close.]

Song: And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad

[Decisively, Andrew strides out into the traffic and holds out his arms, waving them frantically. None of the cars hurtling towards him are slowing down.]

Song: The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

[Dave emerges from the chemist with bag full of sleeping pills and heads down the street once more, looking no more cheerful.]

Song: I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take

[Andrew dives for the pavement, narrowly avoiding being run over a dozen times.]

Song: When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad World!

[Gabby reaches the bus stop, bewildered and shakes her head. She effortlessly waves down a waiting taxi. Incredulous, Andrew joins her in boarding said transport.]

Song: Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday

[Dave returns to his home. His mum and dad are watching TV, apparently oblivious to his presence as he heads upstairs to his room.]

Song: Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

[He enters his bedroom and throws the bag on his bed. Boxes spill out.]

Song: Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me

[Dave starts to open the boxes and pops out the pills in a pile on a dresser with a mirror mainly covered in photos of Jadi and Pheobe.]

Song: Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

[The taxi is meandering through the suburbs. Andrew is leaning out of the passenger window, clearly trying to navigate. Gabby looks embarrased.]

Song: And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad

[Dave has piled up all the sleeping pills in a disused egg box.]

Song: The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

[The taxi pulls up outside Dave's place. Andrew dives up and runs to the front door. It's locked. He bangs on it to no avail.]

Song: I find it hard to tell you

[Dave picks up the first pill.]

Song: 'Cos I find it hard to take

[Andrew runs around the house, looking for an entry point.]

Song: When people run in circles

[Dave pops the pill and picks up a bottle of gin.]

Song: It's a very, very mad world...

Andrew: STOP!!!

[Dave freezes. The music continues from his stereo. Andrew is halfway through the window, frantic.]

Andrew: I know you must be feeling terrible right now but believe me - seriously I know where of I speak - that is NOT the answer. That's not even the question! That's a totally different conversation! Just stop. Please.

Dave: [pill in mouth] Waddargyoo tarkin abut Muddug?

[He swigs from the bottle.]

Andrew: NO!

Dave: [swallows] Chill, dude. It's just water.

[He offers the bottle to Andrew who sniffs it suspiciously.]

Andrew: It's a gin bottle.

Dave: Yeah, once. I hate using Franklin Water bottles. I wanna be distinctive.

Andrew: [shrugs] Fair enough. But you still don't have to do this!

Dave: Do what?

Andrew: Do this!

Dave: Do what?

Andrew: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!

Dave: [as if to an idiot] Do... what...?

[Andew takes a deep breath.]

Andrew: Dave, you are sitting in your bedroom listening to the Donnie Darko soundtrack with a massive stockpile of sleeping pills and a gin bottle!

Dave: ...so?

Andrew: SO?! You think I don't know a suicide attempt when I see it?

Dave: [bewildered] Suicide? I'm not committing suicide.

Andrew: I refer you to the bedroom, music and massive stockpile of drugs, buster.

Dave: Hey, it's my bedroom!

Andrew: And the music?!

Dave: It's just coincidence!

[The music suddenly changes to the Dandy Warhol's Boys Better.]

Dave: Would anyone kill themselves to that?

[Suspiciously, Andrew crosses to the stereo and presses another button. 2Unlimited's "Get Ready For This" plays. Andrew presses the button again. "Crunchy Granola Suite" plays. Andrew tries again. "Werewolves of London". He switches it back to "Crunchy Granola".]

Andrew: Point taken. But this doesn't change the fact you have enough tablets in this room to slaughter an entire school and then, when they inevitably are revived as zombies by a mixture of cosmic radiation, toxic pesticide and voodoo, put them to sleep AGAIN and still have pills left over.

Dave: Maddog, Andrew, whatever. I haven't been sleeping well for... since forever. Even after the HSC, so my doctor proscribed me some sleeping pills.

Andrew: And you - what? - got every single proscription at the same time?

Dave: Saves trips to the chemist.

Andrew: And then you opened them all?

Andrew: Just the first week's supply. I put them into egg boxes so I'll know how many I've taken, so I don't take too many by accident. Is that all right with you?

Andrew: [cautious] So you're NOT gripped by suicidal despair after your best friends in the whole wide world abandoned you?

Dave: [sighs] Not till you turned up, no. I got a call from Phe on the weekend. She and what's his name and the triplets are all safe and sound in Prague. Her place overlooks Petrin Hill, which is just like the Eiffel Tower only not French. Plus, it's snowing! Snow at Christmas, that's what she's got right there...

Andrew: Uhuh. Any word from Jadi?

Dave: Nope. His parents just hang up on me. Um, this may sound like stupid question...

Andrew: [nods] ...most questions do in my experience...

Dave: ...but why did you break in through the window just now?

[Andrew goes blank for a long moment.]

Andrew: Well...

[The door burst open and Gabby staggers in.]

Gabby: That does it! No more travel expenses! I am SPENT - and not in a good way! [sees Dave] Cool, we got to him in time. What does he know about the conspiracy?

Andrew: [grins awkwardly] Haven't QUITE got to that bit yet, Gabbs.

[A long pause as Dave stares at them.]

Dave: I haven't taken a drug overdose today. But I'm not sure about you two.

[Back in the present. Andrew, Dave and Nigel are walking down a hill.]

Dave: [thoughtful] You know, in context, that afternoon isn't HALF as derranged as it was at the time.

Andrew: A common lament.

Nigel: I find all of this very difficult to believe.

Andrew: Why?

Nigel: [snorts] As if you two could lead interesting lives without me around!

Andrew: [rolls eyes] Anyway...

[Flashback once more. Andrew, Gabby and Dave are leaving a Mexican takeaway shop as Andrew messily devours a burrito.]

Dave: But what has all this got to do with me? I haven't seen Nigel since that English exam, and I couldn't care enough about him to betray him to any conspiracy.

[Andrew tries to reply around a mouthful then gives up and elbows Gabby.]

Gabby: [sighs] Andrew is totally sold on the idea that whoever's got Nigel has also got Jadi and tried to get Pheobe too. And apparently it's physically impossible for either of them to have got involved without you tagging along.

Dave: [sighs] Guess that's fair.

Andrew: [swallows] Quite. I thought, maybe, they were trying to drive you to suicide.

Dave: I don't buy this X-Files crap. What conspiracy? Nigel's into some kinky shit, everyone knows that. He drools after his own sister. Are we saying it's unreasonable he'd get some sugar from a nun? And if this lot were behind Phoebe having triplets, well, that means about nine months where they left the rest of us alone!

Andrew: And so they strike just after the HSC where none of you will be missed.

Dave: This is paranoia, man.

Andrew: [annoyed] It is only paranoid, David, if we are proved to be wrong! Now, someone is definitely after Nigel. And I'm certain someone is after you, Pheobe and Jadi. Either there are two separate conspiracies or one big one - so what have you three, Nigel and Jason been up to, to warrant this kind of attention?

Dave: How the hell should I know? I mean, hell, delivering the triplets was the longest I've spent with Nigel socially for years!

Gabby: When was the last time then?

Dave: I dunno. Ages back, at primary school. And back then, Nigel... he was a geek. No, worse. Geeks picked on him. He had no friends, nothing. Then, well, you know, Jason stabbed him, whole near-death experience and suddenly he was cool. Two weeks later, the whole school burns to the ground and we never really got back together...

Andrew: And anything happen in those two weeks?

Dave: [rolls eyes] Apart from the school burning down?

Andrew: [unsmiling] Yes. Apart from that.

Dave: Just the... [pales] the... Russian Kid "incident".

[Andrew grins a feral grin.]

Andrew: Yeah. THAT sounds more like it!

Gabby: You mean Magnus? What happened to Magnus?

Dave: Yeah. [double takes] YOU know about that?

Gabby: Nigel told me about it. [hurt] Hey, I have an attention span, you know!

Andrew: I'm impressed. [to Dave] So, this incident - you, Phe, Jadi, Nigel and Jason, were all involved in it, right?

Dave: Yeah. And this girl, Danielle, but she vanished years ago.

Andrew: How convenient. Well?

Dave & Gabby: Well what?

Andrew: Are you going to tell me about this Russian Kid Incident or what?

[Flashback in a flashback, with tasteful art deco sepi-tinted flashbacks to that well-known epic, Verkoff: A Terrible Ego.]

Dave: [vo] It started after Nigel got stabbed and did his total makeover thing. While he was off sick, this new kid, Brian Magnus, joined the school. He was, well...

Gabby: [vo] A fuckwit.

Dave: [vo] Yeah. Pretty much. A well-connected fuckwit with diplomatic immunity, coz of his parents. He wasn't just an asshole, man, he was violent. He beat the crap out of everyone and anyone, and not for any kind of street cred. He got a totally sick thrill out of it. If there's true evil in this world, he's on the mailing list.

Gabby: [vo] And Nigel was the only one to stand up to him.

Dave: [vo] Yeah, not that it did anyone any good. It got into a whole cold-war type escalation thing. Magnus insulted Nigel, Nigel insulted Magnus in public and kicked in the balls, Magnus broke Nigel's sister's arm... well, Nigel went off.

Andrew: [vo] So what happened?

Gabby: [vo] Nigel came up with a plan. He locked Magnus in a shed at the school all night with a blue lightbulb. He told Magnus it was deadly and radioactive and stuff.

Andrew: [vo] And he believed him?!

Gabby: [vo] Yep. The guy was convinced he had cancer and radiation sickness, he immediately went to Switzerland or something to get the best medical care.

Dave: [vo] After the school burned down and we all got split up, none of us expected he'd be able to find us and get any revenge. From what I heard, the guy was totally nuts by that point.

[End flashback.]

Andrew: [sickened] And you helped Nigel do that?

Dave: Yeah. I did.

Andrew: Mmm. Ever heard of Karma?

Gabby: A chameleon?

Dave: [righteously pissed off] Look, Andrew, I'm not saying what we did was right. We're not perfect saints. But Nigel was right - there was nothing else we could do. Ever wonder why Phoebe lisps sometimes? Its because that bastard broke her jaw. And that was when she was trying to help him, and even though he knew that, he beat her up anyway. Maybe I deserve this crap, but I don't regret it a bit. Not a bit.

Andrew: [flatly] A man of conviction.

Dave: You taking the piss?

Andrew: Thanks for the info, Dave. Good luck with the insomnia.

[Andrew turns and walks off, finishing his meal. Gabby follows.]

Gabby: Now what?

Andrew: Go home.

Gabby: That's it?

Andrew: It's been a long day and, in case it wasn't obvious, we've run out of leads.

Gabby: What do you mean? We know it's Magnus. It must be him!

[Andrew stops and turns to face her.]

Andrew: Whoop-de-friggen-doo Gabrielle. And where is Magnus, huh? This rich Russian psychopath with the money and resources to stage-manage this whole operation on a sordid whim? Where do you think he'd be? Where would he have taken Nigel - assuming of course he didn't just kill him and bury him in concrete last week? What do we have left to go on?

[Silence.]

Andrew: Go home. We'll talk tomorrow.

Gabby: Nigel...

Andrew: Nigel what? We don't even know if he's alive. So we can afford to wait till tomorrow.

Gabby: And if we can't? He could be dying right now!

Andrew: And we wouldn't be able to help him anyway! Now go catch some zeds!

[Andrew storms off, leaving Gabby alone.]

[Back in the present.]

Nigel: Ahem. What about the postcard?

Andrew: [confused] The postcard?

Dave: The one oh-so-mysteriously left with the warning for Nigel?

[Andrew stares at them for a long time.]

Andrew: Oh, THAT! Yes, well, I had good reasons for not mentioning it at the time...

[Flashback. Andrew heads to his bungalow.]

Andrew: Paeje? I'm home! No need for dinner, I'm as full as a goog. Whatever that means. Anyway, I saved you some nachos. Eh? Paeje? Hey-la-hey-lala-hey? Enchiladas and white sombreros? Stomach dissorder south of the border? Paeje?

[Andrew turns on some lights. No sign of his dog.]

Andrew: How odd. Must be down the pub. Again. So, since we're alone...

[He spins around impressively. An attractive girl in dark clothes stands by the door, in the shadows.]

Andrew: ...shall we sit down, have a nice chat, watch some Backberner?

Simone: I knew you'd get involved.

Andrew: Did you?

Simone: I saw you watching me.

Andrew: I know you did. I was there! Honestly, I'm not blind, girl.

Simone: Not yet.

Andrew: [unimpressed] Oooh. Scary.

Simone: So. You haven't told her about me yet.

Andrew: I'm a sucker for the dramatic flair. Where is he?

Simone: Who?

Andrew: Nigel Verkoff. The poor schmuck from Palookaville you sold down the river.

Simone: Dunno. Don't care.

Andrew: Is that a family motto round these parts or something?

Simone: My motto's always been "No Witnesses, No Mercy".

Andrew: I didn't know you were related to Ivan Milat.

Simone: Who?

Andrew: [blows out cheeks] Man, I need to get threatened by people with a better grasp on Australian history. This is just embarrasing.

Simone: [mock sympathy] Life is cruel, isn't it?

[She turns on a battered radio. "Why Aye Man" plays very loudly.]

Andrew: I can scream louder than Mark Knopfler, you know.

Simone: [grins] Bonus.

[Suddenly, she grabs Andrew by the singlet and hurls him forcefully into a pile of junk by the wall.]

Simone: Tch. You look a lot tougher than you are.

[Simone strides over to the prone Andrew. His eyes suddenly snap open and he swings out a punch. Simone catches his fist before the blow connects and uses her other hand to punch him in the face, sending him sprawling to the floor.]

Andrew: [in pain] There's no need for this... seriously, I've got a brilliant idea...

[Andrew struggles to his feet, but Simone casually punches him in the head, then the stomach. As he doubles over in pain, she cracks him over the back and he topples to the ground at her feet.]

Simone: You know, I was worried you'd be smart enough to work out the truth and do something about it before I could stop you. What a colossal waste of time that turned out to be, huh?

[She takes out a cigarette and lights it.]

Simone: I got hired for a reason, you know. I really don't like other people. I guess I got a bit too close to Nigel. But not close enough to you, huh, Bad Dog or whatever your name is. [mocking] See you on the way down!

[She throws the cigarette onto a pile of newspapers and magazines. By the time she's left, they are burning. Andrew lies unconscious and bloody on the ground as smoke fills the air and the fire starts to spread...]

- to be continued...