Those That Can, Do. Those That Can't, Mock.

Guess which category I fall into. Back in 1999, I spoofed a version of the TV Movie and mailed it to Charles Daniels with his compliments. He promptly took out a restraining order on me, and made sure his own parody of the TV movie was not only funnier, but had a biting satirical edge and not once, not at all, did it so much as breathe the same air as my one.

Undeterred, I managed batter out some spoofs of Paul McGann's two audio seasons, which were read and enjoyed by my high school friends... all of whom abandoned me when one smart alec hired out An Unearthly Child and discovered there was no nudity, drug use or orgiastic sex involved. Charles Daniels lied!

Later, on OG, another flock... well, three or four users... were amused by my work, and I managed to thrash out a spoof version of the Eccleston era, as well as more Big Finishes. Finally, I was able to create a website to host these spoofs, only to discover, to my horror, just how much crap Big Finish releases - twelve Doctor Who stories a year, plus DWM specials, plus mini series, plus subscriber only CDs... worse, they were no longer doing previews of them in DWM! That means I'd have to buy the bloody things to find out anything to put in the rumors and facts sections!

Nevertheless in the last three weeks I've managed to upload from scratch spoofs of...

Project Twilight
The One Doctor
The Dark Flame
Project Lazarus I & II
Zagreus
The Wormery
Arrangements for War
The Roof of the World
Medicinal Purposes
The Juggernauts
The Game
Catch-1782 (guest starring Nigel Verkoff to parody a very obvious character if you've heard it)
Three's A Crowd
Thicker Than Water
Singularity
Memory Lane

as well as half-finishing Unregenerate! and starting on The Reaping now Jared's plotted it out.

According to my calculations, I should have less than thirty left to do before I catch up with Big Finish. Plus the webcasts. And the BBC7 audios. And the DWM freebies... GAHHH!

But I post this partially as self congratulation, and partially as some kind of encouragement. I started this completely pointless pass time (Charles Daniels having graciously allowed me to do so after discovering that his magnum opus The Fishmonger, had been done by me a year earlier. Just not as well.).

NOTE: I have done Memory Lane, thanks to response to this post. Yay.

One of the biggest problems I'm having is, oddly enough, Memory Lane, an eighth Doctor story about a bunch of retarded aliens who can warp space and time but have no long term memory - so instead of say, recording something, they just create ever-repeating realities to remind them of stuff. Like most of Big Finish' latest output, it doesn't stay in the memory for long (oh, the fucking irony) and I can't work out the "hook". I mean, for the previous story, Something Inside, it was a crossover with Hellraiser. The story before that Time Works was a spoof of the office I was working at. I can't think of any funny twist of this story at all.

So, I came up with an audacious plan - I would ignore the plot and write out Charley and C'Rizz, who would become media celebrities and instantly ditch the Doctor, with the idea that he would then travel with Lucie, ditch her at the end of the season and meet up with C&C again. I worked out the ending and everything!

The Doctor sighs and decides to return to the TARDIS and is shocked to discover that Charley and C’Rizz wish to stay – they actually BELIEVE all that crap about being famous even after all they’ve experienced.

"Fame has it’s price," Charley admits. "I know we’ll be hounded by the press on a daily basis for years, and since I’m considered the most sexy woman in the entire created multiverse, the press will constantly try to obtain nude photos of me."

"That shouldn’t be difficult."

"Once, in my misspent youth, it would have," Charley shrugs. "But no more. I am a woman of class and will not pose for such photos unless the proceeds from sales go towards to curing cancer."

"Or bunions," C’Rizz suggests.

"Yes, bunions. Or some other such debilitating diseases."

"Yes, Doctor," the Eutermisan continues, "I know the pressures in the life of a star such as myself are great! Too great to be able to explain them all. But, as such a star, I know that you believe me more than you would your next door neighbor. And my dear Doctor, that's all that matters in this lifetime."

"C’Rizz, you’re doing it again."

"What?" the Eutermisan asks.

"Mistaking me for someone who gives a shit. I’m off."

Charley grabs his arm before he can go and gently whispers, "Shall we have a final shag for old time’s sake?"

The Doctor shakes her loose. "Charley, I’ve got a headache. And will probably have a headache for the next 30 incarnations."

"You always get those headaches – it must be the stress of living with such a star as me, it’s gotten to you. Poor Doctor."

"Yeah," the Doctor calls over his shoulder. "Whatever. Bye."

Bursting into the TARDIS, the Doctor races up to the console and sets the time machine in motion, laughing like Dylan Moran on cheap ecstasy as he abandons Charley and C'Rizz forever.

Then he twigs the blonde teenage girl sitting in the pilot’s chair, listening to the Scissor Sisters on her iPod.

Aghast, the Doctor screams, "What the hell are you doing here?!?"

"What?" calls the girl in a Northern accent, over her music.

"WHO ARE YOU?!?"

"What?"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY TARDIS?!?"

"What?"

"ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING?!?"

"What?!?"

"TAKE OUT THE DAMN EAR-PHONES AND ANSWER ME?!?"

The girl shrugs. "What?"

And with a rising sense of préjà vu, the story is to be continued...

Ah! Magnificent... and then I found out that society girl and lizard boy were only going to be in two more stories EVER, and Lucie was staying on, so the companion gymnastics were entirely unnecessary! Worse, they'd be written out in consecutive stories, so my plot that they would marry each other wouldn't work!

Fate - by which I mean Nick Briggs and BF - deals its cards like some missippi boat whore!