How Things Change...

My YOA sites has not been updated in a while... partially due to the trivial matter of a death in the family killing the muse, partially due to the fact the otherwise lovely webpage wouldn't host more than 19 episodes. One of the episodes I was struggling on was Frequent-Flier Points, a road-trip story based on one of the earliest YOA scripts. Originally it lead into a baffling Nigel Finds Religion story, How To Pick Up Girls By Hypnosis, then into a Horror of Fang Rock parody, The Foghorn Formally Known as Nigel.

And so here are two unaltered excerpts from the first (and, technically only) draft which recieved much kudos from my peers at high school when I wrote it all the way back...



The door bell rings again.

DAVE: [SIGHS] Andrew, tell whoever it is, to piss off.

Andrew shrugs and crosses over to the doorway. He stops dead. Eve enters, smiling cruelly. Andrew and the others immediately start to scream in horror. After ten seconds, they stop.

ANDREW: [IN A VERY SCARED, INSECURE VOICE] Boy are we glad to see you.

Eve enters the room and crosses over to the couch. The others leap out of her way. Dave and Andrew desperately try to clear some of the mess up, and Eve sits down.

EVE: Well, boys, how have you been?

NIGEL: Fine, er, miss, fine. Just fine.

DAVE: Fine.

NIGEL: Just fine.

ANDREW: Why have you come here today, miss?

DAVE: [HISSES TO ANDREW] Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

EVE: [IGNORES THEM] Oh, I just thought I’d pop round, you know.

NIGEL: Yeah, well that’s fine.

ANDREW: Sure, as long as you’re not here about the rent.

EVE: [CONFUSED] Huh? What rent?

DAVE: [HASTILY] Oh, nothing. He’s high on heroin. Ignore him.

NIGEL: Yes, he’s a total smegging lunatic.

EVE: Actually, there was a favor I wanted to ask you.

Dave and Nigel instantly rush over to Eve and prostrate themselves before her, in submissive poses and look up at her adoringly.

DAVE & NIGEL: Yes, yes, whatever, fine, cool...

EVE: Yes, I was hoping that you three could go on a little excursion for me. I’d go myself, but well, I just can’t be bothered. I’ve got better things to do, all things considered.

ANDREW: [SITS DOWN BESIDE HER] Like what?

EVE: None of your business.

ANDREW: [SMILES WARMLY] You stupid bitch. We want to know where you want us to go for you. [CHEERFULLY] Who’s my brain-dead little whore? Eh? Eh?

EVE: Oh, I want you to go to Parliament House.

ANDREW: Parliament house?

EVE: Yes.

ANDREW: The one in Canberra?

EVE: Yes.

ANDREW: Why?

EVE: Well, I was invited, but I’ve got a prior engagement.

ANDREW: Where’s that?

EVE: At the beauty spa. I just heard about it.

ANDREW: When did you decide to go?

EVE: A few minutes ago.

ANDREW: So, it’s not a prior engagement, then.

Dave and Nigel watch on in mounting horror and rage.

EVE: Who cares? Are you lot doing it or not?

ANDREW: Fine. A free trip to meet the Prime Minister.

EVE: Like you said. Absolutely free. Minus flights and accommodation, though. You’re on your own!

ANDREW: Hey, you’re the millionairess!

EVE: So? I’m in a positive cash flow situation at the moment!

ANDREW: That means you’ve got more money than before!

EVE: Hey! I have NEEDS, people.

DAVE & NIGEL: Of course you do, of course, yes, obviously, sure...

EVE: Look, I’ve got better things to do than talk to you losers!

ANDREW: What, like go to a Prime Minister’s party?!

EVE: Yeah!

Eve rises and storms out. Andrew looks pleased with himself. Then Dave and Nigel slowly get to their feet. Nigel crosses silently to Andrew and grabs him from behind in a head lock, before raining blows down on Andrew, who screams in pain. Dave’s eyes widen and he grabs Nigel.

DAVE: Nigel! Don’t kill him!

ANDREW: [RELIEVED] Thanks, Dave...

DAVE: Leave some for me!

Dave starts to beat up Andrew.


STREET

Eve enters her limousine. Linda and Haley are waiting for her.

EVE: [EVIL LAUGHTER] Hahahahaha! It all went perfectly!

LINDA: Really? It worked.

EVE: [STOPS LAUGHING] What worked?

HALEY: You know, the three guys going to Cranberry or whatever.

EVE: Oh that? Who cares? Let’s move, driver!

The limo shoots away.

and

TRAIN STATION

Eerie. There is no one around. A tumbleweed blows slowly past us. Dave, Andrew and Nigel emerge from the train. Nigel is doing up his trousers. The train accelerates away at top speed.

NIGEL: So this is Homebush, huh? It’s really gone uphill since the Olympics, don’t you think?

ANDREW: This place is creepy.

DAVE: What? Scared?

ANDREW: No. Just... [SIGHS] scared. I mean, it’s so quiet. No one’s around. It’s like there’s been some kind of horrendous nuclear accident that has wiped out all life, leaving only these ancient buildings and the twisted freaks that survived the disaster.

NIGEL: [LOOKS AT ANDREW] You don’t mean...

ANDREW: Yeah. It’s kinda like High School.

DAVE: [UNNERVED] You’re just trying to freak us out. Big deal. Come on.

Dave heads over to the ticket office. Suddenly, a ragged, terrified-looking man runs out of the shadows.

MAN: Go! Go, get out of here! Run! While you still can!

A tentacle whips out of the shadows, wraps itself around his neck and pulls him into the shadows. There is a hideous scream, then silence. Dave, Nigel and Andrew exchange looks and cross to the ticket booth. A pale, wide-eyed woman stands there, staring into space.

NIGEL: [CHARMING] Why, hello, sweetheart.

WOMAN: [IN A DEAD VOICE] Hel... lo.

NIGEL: Hmm, very sexy. Firm and fruity. Just the way I like them.

ANDREW: [IMPATIENTLY] If you could keep your disgusting libido under control for a moment, can we stick to the point?

DAVE: [TO WOMAN] This is Homebush, isn’t it?

The woman turns and faces something in the booth. This shows off the large scar on the back of her head, which is filled with alien circuitry. There is low, groaning noise. The woman faces Dave.

WOMAN: No...

NIGEL: [NOT LISTENING] Thank you for your assistance, and if I may say so, what a packed bra you’re boasting...

DAVE: WHAT?! Not at Homebush?

WOMAN: [LISTENS TO NOISE] No...

DAVE: Then where are we?

WOMAN: Glebe.

ANDREW: Man! And the train’s gone as well!

Andrew turns and moves away from the ticket booth, just as a net falls on the place he was standing. Dave and Nigel remain at the booth.

NIGEL: Excuse me, are you doing anything tonight?

WOMAN: I... am... rounding up the remaining humans... and handing them over to the pod people...

NIGEL: Well, I’m sure you won’t mind if I tag along. I know this wonderful little restaurant in Glebe – it does pork chow mien, and it has the best aquarium I’ve ever seen.

DAVE: Excuse me...

Andrew reaches and overgrown patch of tall reads, and makes out a railway sign underneath. Pushing aside the large green eggs lying there, Andrew sees the sign saying HOMEBUSH – VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED, POPULATION 666 AND FALLING, YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE.

NIGEL: [VO] Of course, the manager does get pretty pissed off if I ask for the goldfish and an order of fried rice, and by the way, never, ever try to use a fishing rod...

DAVE: [VO] Excuse me...

NIGEL: [VO] I mean, it’s not as though I meant for the goldfish to end up in that woman’s ear, did I? And how was I to know it was one of a very rare fish with caustic scales and a taste for human eyeballs? Anyway, I’ve spoken to her since, and, well, she was heading for a breakdown anyway...

DAVE: EXCUSE ME!

WOMAN: [AS DROOL POURS FROM HER MOUTH] Yes?

DAVE: When is the next train coming?

WOMAN: [LISTENS] There... is no other train...

DAVE: Look, are you actually in charge here?

WOMAN: Humans... are now... endangered species...

NIGEL: You need your hearing tested. I like that in a woman.

Andrew joins them. Behind them, one of the eggs hatches and a little monster runs out and across the platform.

ANDREW: This IS Homebush, guys. Come on.

They head for the gate out. We pan back to see that, looming in the ticket booth is an ancient skeleton, covered in dripping green slime. It has clearly been there for some time, and there is no sign of the zombie woman. We hear a peel of mocking laughter.


ROAD OUTSIDE STATION

Meanwhile, the guys move onto the road outside. A taxi is waiting, with a bored driver.

NIGEL: Taxi!

The taxi driver looks up, surprised.

DRIVER: Yeah?

NIGEL: The Honest Holiday Airport, please.

DRIVER: You bet.

The taxi drives off at top speed. The others watch on. Andrew drops his bag in frustration. A claw emerges from the gutter and drags it away.

ANDREW: You could have waited for us, you bastard!

DAVE: [SIGHS] Four words. ‘Shoulda brought the car.’

NIGEL: Four other words. ‘It’s at the mechanic’s.’

ANDREW: Four more words. ‘We better start walking.’

Dave and Nigel sigh and walk away. Andrew pauses for a moment to look for his bag, then gives up and follows the others. Behind them, in the shadows of a tree, two glowing red eyes watch on.