That time again, people.
What's latest on the only updatable page - Parallel Universes?
AN UNEARTHLY CHILD
23 November 2008; written by Anthony Coburn, updated by Olaf Poril; CinemaVerity/BBC
According to a leaked BBC memo, plans are well advanced for a colour remake of the very first Doctor Who episode by original producer Verity Lambert's CinemaVerity production company. Bill Nighy has been signed to recreate William Hartnell's pioneering portrayal, with former EastEnders and Holby City bad boy Michael French reviving William Russell's Ian Chesterton character. Completing the line-up in a one-off special scheduled to be screened by BBC4 on the 45th anniversary are Amanda Donohoe as Barbara Wright and Stephanie Leonidas as Susan Foreman. Filming is due to start on 1st April 2008 following the unveiling of a plaque dedicated to William Hartnell, who would have qualified for his telegram from the Queen on 8th January 2008, at the site of the former Lime Grove studios.
...what?
Why remake the very first episode? It still exists and is considered in quite high regard. Surely it would be cheaper to colourize it than do it all again. Why not just screen it again? And why has no one else mentioned this MONUMENTAL thingamagig...
Oh, wait.
OLAF PORIL.
My god, that's an anagram of APRIL FOOL!
...
So why put that up on the page in October?!?
I wonder what GC has to say when Peter Davison appears in the show? Will that make it canon? Of course not, Davison is crap, remember?
God damn it, he thinks of everything, doesn't he?
Except to come up with April Fool jokes in April...
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8 comments:
He also doesn't seem to understand the notion that April Fools jokes are only relevant when posted on websites that people actually read.
(Of course, that suggests to me that somehow he's found an old April Fools that nobody took seriously, believed it, and stuck it up on his website. Which is sadder/funnier depending on which way you look at it)
Also, I'm sure that the upcoming CiN special will only reinforce GC's idea that the new series isn't canon, for he'll be one of those twerps unable to get over the fact that Davison will have no companions and a completely different hairstyle and scream that he clearly contradicts the current canon.
Incidentally, where the hell is the Season 21b fic? I thought somebody would have had to have written a series of adventures where Davison gets caught in a highly entertaining string of side-adventures with Will Chandler and Kamelion inbetween The Awakening and Frontios! But no, everyone keeps posting their fantasies about 5, Peri, and whichever new companions they pick up in the apparent five years between Planet of Fire and Caves of Androzani, during which time Peri doesn't even change her clothes. SIGH.
He also doesn't seem to understand the notion that April Fools jokes are only relevant when posted on websites that people actually read.
How can he tell if people read it anyway? There's no way to contact him...
(Of course, that suggests to me that somehow he's found an old April Fools that nobody took seriously, believed it, and stuck it up on his website. Which is sadder/funnier depending on which way you look at it)
Well, considering his incisive criticisms of Torchwood's psychic investigator Jack Barrowman, it suggests to me that HE fell for it as well...
Also, I'm sure that the upcoming CiN special will only reinforce GC's idea that the new series isn't canon, for he'll be one of those twerps unable to get over the fact that Davison will have no companions and a completely different hairstyle and scream that he clearly contradicts the current canon.
Sort of like Troughton, Hartnell and Pertwee in previous get togethers...
Incidentally, where the hell is the Season 21b fic? I thought somebody would have had to have written a series of adventures where Davison gets caught in a highly entertaining string of side-adventures with Will Chandler and Kamelion inbetween The Awakening and Frontios!
Well, JNT wanted Will as a companion, and it was Saward that told them to abandon Kamelion...
But no, everyone keeps posting their fantasies about 5, Peri, and whichever new companions they pick up in the apparent five years between Planet of Fire and Caves of Androzani, during which time Peri doesn't even change her clothes. SIGH.
Be fair, man, Zagreus (which your impartiallity allowed you to enjoy) explains that old Ziggy altered time, hence the Fifth Doctor era ended differently to how we saw it end.
That doesn't justify the horrors of The Kingmaker, though. What an arrogant piece of wank THAT is...
How can he tell if people read it anyway? There's no way to contact him...
Ignorance is bliss.
Sort of like Troughton, Hartnell and Pertwee in previous get togethers...
Mr Mallet doesn't alter his view to fit the facts, he alters the facts to fit his view.
Well, JNT wanted Will as a companion, and it was Saward that told them to abandon Kamelion...
Yeah, but I mean the ficcers. Are they all just too terrified of the Curse of Kamelion?
Be fair, man, Zagreus (which your impartiallity allowed you to enjoy) explains that old Ziggy altered time, hence the Fifth Doctor era ended differently to how we saw it end.
Wait - that was intentional? I thought that was just you taking the piss out of BF's lax attitude to continuity.
Holy shit - if what you say is true... that means GARY RUSSELL RENDERED CAVES UNCANONICAL!!!
How can he still be alive?!
That doesn't justify the horrors of The Kingmaker, though. What an arrogant piece of wank THAT is...
Hadn't heard about that one, so skimmed Wikipedia. I think I understand:
1. Written by Nev Fountain - ahhh.
2. Starring Jon Culshaw - hmmm.
3. As the Fourth Doctor - quizzical eyebrow raise
4. Dozens of new series references - wince.
5. Target book on the CD cover - head in hands
So has anyone told Culshaw that he doesn't actually sound like Tom Baker? When you listen to the Tom Baker prank call the massive difference between the two voices is so painfully obvious as to beggar belief. Plus the fact that Tom Baker seems to be the only one making jokes...
Ignorance is bliss.
Yes, but this kind of ignorance must be Fox Glacier Mints bliss!
Mr Mallet doesn't alter his view to fit the facts, he alters the facts to fit his view.
...Yeah. I was talking about Chase, but yeah. All the fuckwits blur together after a while.
Yeah, but I mean the ficcers. Are they all just too terrified of the Curse of Kamelion?
Maybe, but I have never suspected a curse of Will Chandler. In which case, Keith Topping is dead meat.
Wait - that was intentional? I thought that was just you taking the piss out of BF's lax attitude to continuity.
Well, Paul McGann doesn't turn up ala interference, but it's stated in Neverland that the anti-time is affecting the Doctor's history, so he was good buddies with Ben Franklin, American President.
Holy shit - if what you say is true... that means GARY RUSSELL RENDERED CAVES UNCANONICAL!!!
Well, all the Sixth Doctor stories treat it canonical, as does Circular Time, but I do remember in Zagreus, the fifth Doctor is very vague how he died...
How can he still be alive?!
A cunning plan - he has no life to lose.
Hadn't heard about that one, so skimmed Wikipedia. I think I understand:
1. Written by Nev Fountain - ahhh.
Smugness overload. He bases the whole plot on explaining Doctor Who merchandise, and sets the 'serious historical' in a world Maid Marion and Her Merry Men wouldn't take seriously.
For example, when one character wants to spread rumors, he calls a press conference of gossipy old ladies, all of whom act like journalists, "Yes, Meg Rye, Spittoon Washer Gazette, is Richard III going to release the new souveneir mugs?"
2. Starring Jon Culshaw - hmmm.
3. As the Fourth Doctor - quizzical eyebrow raise
He only does that in one scene, but its so token it hurts.
FIFTH DOCTOR: I know, I'll see if my former self tape recorded anything useful!
JON CULSHAW: Fraid not, old chap.
FIFTH DOCTOR: Fuck.
Only... not as witty or interesting as that summary.
4. Dozens of new series references - wince.
Actually, there is only one reference, the only reference officially made. A bartender recalls a Northern bloke with big ears and a leather jacket.
Ba-dum-tish!
Oh, and Richard III is played by a bloke pretending to be Christopher Eccleston. Though doing a much better job than the Dead Ringer team. Good performance. Best since Peter Cook. The only trouble is the story he's in.
5. Target book on the CD cover - head in hands
That's the major plot.
It's not even a target book, it's an activity book, a tie-in even sad merchandise collectors don't want! Oh, and we have to have a long explanation of where the name "Doctor Who" comes from...
So has anyone told Culshaw that he doesn't actually sound like Tom Baker?
SOMEONE AGREES WITH ME!
When you listen to the Tom Baker prank call the massive difference between the two voices is so painfully obvious as to beggar belief. Plus the fact that Tom Baker seems to be the only one making jokes...
Yes. It's painfully obvious that Culshaw is shit at improvising comedy, isn't he?
But no, Culshaw is perfectly acceptable. The plot isn't. It's full of smug, self-aware shit that just makes my blood boil.
Like it's treatment of Peri, for instance. Nev Fountain shows his talent for characterization by revealing Peri was a teenage mum (...what?), that she likes showing off her tits to Erimem, she is so incomprehensibly stupid everyone wants to punch her lights out, and she steals a fake penis off a transvestite and loves talking about it.
HAH FUCKING HAH!
I WANT MY MONEY BACK, NEV!
...Yeah. I was talking about Chase, but yeah. All the fuckwits blur together after a while.
Chase, Mallet, Spara, Ian Levine - what's in a name?
Maybe, but I have never suspected a curse of Will Chandler. In which case, Keith Topping is dead meat.
What'd he do?
Well, Paul McGann doesn't turn up ala interference, but it's stated in Neverland that the anti-time is affecting the Doctor's history, so he was good buddies with Ben Franklin, American President.
Affecting his history or history in general - because Benjamin Franklin was never President of the United States. (Though he was President of Pennsylvania)
For example, when one character wants to spread rumors, he calls a press conference of gossipy old ladies, all of whom act like journalists, "Yes, Meg Rye, Spittoon Washer Gazette, is Richard III going to release the new souveneir mugs?"
Jeeezus Christ. Is that meant to pass as satire?
FIFTH DOCTOR: I know, I'll see if my former self tape recorded anything useful!
JON CULSHAW: Fraid not, old chap.
FIFTH DOCTOR: Fuck.
FIFTH DOCTOR: Hmm. I don't remember sounding quite as nasal or estuary last regeneration...
It's not even a target book, it's an activity book, a tie-in even sad merchandise collectors don't want! Oh, and we have to have a long explanation of where the name "Doctor Who" comes from...
Yeah, I really do see where you're coming from. I'm starting to appreciate Paul Magrs a lot more..
Like it's treatment of Peri, for instance. Nev Fountain shows his talent for characterization by revealing Peri was a teenage mum (...what?),
What?
What!?
WHAT?!?
*Zzzzeiouw!*
that she likes showing off her tits to Erimem,
She shows off her tits to everyone unconsciously - why would she be selective?
she is so incomprehensibly stupid everyone wants to punch her lights out,
OI! Some of us LIKE Peri, Fountain!
and she steals a fake penis off a transvestite and loves talking about it.
... there is no excuse for this.
Chase, Mallet, Spara, Ian Levine - what's in a name?
Contempt?
What'd he do?
Said that the Doctor spent years travelling with Will Chandler while Tegan and Turlough stayed in 1984.
Affecting his history or history in general - because Benjamin Franklin was never President of the United States. (Though he was President of Pennsylvania)
Yeah, that's what I mean. ALL of history was changing.
Jeeezus Christ. Is that meant to pass as satire?
No, it comes off as a rip off the famous Election scene from Blackadder - Red Dwarf gets ripped off a bit too.
FIFTH DOCTOR: Hmm. I don't remember sounding quite as nasal or estuary last regeneration...
Peri also learns about the wonders of regeneration. And forgets them in part three, for a gag.
Yeah, I really do see where you're coming from. I'm starting to appreciate Paul Magrs a lot more..
And that robot on the cover is from a publishing company that wants the Doctor to write more of these books.
Since every single person in the universe is a seasoned time traveller. Richard III notes his childhood was filled with tourists from the future...
What?
What!?
WHAT?!?
*Zzzzeiouw!*
Well, she says she was pregnant once...
She shows off her tits to everyone unconsciously - why would she be selective?
She takes her top off and says, "What do you think of these, Erimem? Big, huh?"
OI! Some of us LIKE Peri, Fountain!
The cliffhanger to part three has the Doctor apologizing to the villain that he travels with someone so stupid.
... there is no excuse for this.
Yes there is! He's a comedian! And anyone who complains has NO SENSE OF HUMOR!!!
I can comment no more on Kingmaker, for what I hear incenses me greatly. Suffice it to say, that Nev Fountain, through only your second-hand accounts, has used up absolutely all good-will he got from me after listening to Omega.
The only good thing is that it renders itself completely uncanonical, thanks to RTD and Gareth Robert's "The Shakespeare Code".
Thank you, my lieges.
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