Redbull Gives You Sweet FA

[Dave is sitting on a couch, reading the newspaper. Andrew and Nigel enter with shopping bags.]

Nigel: [holds up can] Here you go, Dave.

Dave: Oh, no, not again.

Nigel: No, not again, David. This is Redbull. The energy drink of the stars. Used throughout the world by - and I quote - "top athletes, busy professionals, active students and drivers on long journeys".

Andrew: Well, as long as none of them are pregnant, lactating, caffiene deficient or underage.

Nigel: What? How the hell did these products get popular? They might as well print "NEVER TOUCH THIS FOUL MUCK" on the tin, seal them in concrete and bury them in the North Sea!

Dave: Assuming the Dolphins give them a chance.

Nigel: Oh, shut up and drink it, Dave!

[He hands Dave the can.]

Dave: I don't want to!

Andrew: You'd rather stay in this zombified fugue state of exhausted misery?

Dave: ...I have a choice?

[Nigel opens the can. Everyone reacts.]

Dave: Oh, my sweet merciful mother of three!

Nigel: [retching] Someone open a window!

Dave: I am going to be sick! No joke! My god, what septic tank did they seive this out of?

Nigel: Someone get a crucifix!

[Andrew throws the can into the sink, turns on the hot tap. Steam gushes out of sink.]

Andrew: If nothing else, it should clear out the pipes!

Dave: ...you wanted me to actually drink that?

Nigel: It was probably a bit past its use-by date. Try another.

[Nigel cracks open another can. Everyone flinches.]

Nigel: [coughs] See? [coughs] Not half as bad!

Dave: It stinks! It's like... I don't know what it's like! I must have been so traumatized the last time I smelt it I blocked out the whole memory! It's like...

Andrew: Pink sherbert?

Nigel: What? You think it smells like Red Simons? How do you KNOW these things?

Andrew: Try it, Dave.

Dave: Don't these energy drinks affect your digestive tract?

Andrew: Your body can't produce a worse smell than this! Just drink it!

Dave: I hate my life.

[Dave sculls the can. He convulses and nearly throws up.]

Dave: Oh god! This is horrible!

[Andrew takes the can and reads the side.]

Andrew: Do you feel your performance, concentration and reaction speed have been increased?

Dave: NO!

[Nigel takes the can and reads the side.]

Nigel: Improved vigilance?

[Dave retches.]

Andrew: How about your metabolism? Does it feel stimulated?

[Dave starts sneezing - loud, painful and uncontrollable.]

Andrew: ...hmmm. Does that count?

Nigel: One out of five isn't bad?

[Dave slumps onto the table, utterly exhausted.]

Andrew: You know, I was hoping for much more thrilling and exciting shinanegans to occur.

Nigel: Yeah, Dave, I was convinced you'd go all space cadet.

Dave: Ugghhhh. Let me die.

Nigel: Oi! I've wasted six bucks of my life on you! I demand recompense!

[Dave moans.]

Nigel: Obviously it's not enough. We need some hardcore caffienated stuff!

Andrew: ...what are you talking about, you strange and deluded individual?

Nigel: Get me industrial-sized cans of redbull AND V, combine them into a single glass and we give it to Dave.

Andrew: That sounds psychotically dangerous.

Nigel: Your point being?

Andrew: Sounds like something that could go viral on youtube.

[Dave starts to cry.]

- to be continued...