You Gotta Be Kidding Me...

"I tried to act as a medium to my fellow children so I drew my first ever comic strip... which was rubbish. Seriously, it was rubbish. I didn't even understand it and I drew it."

I don't SOUND like that do I? Not me. Surely not. Do I? I mean, I get the concept that when I speak, what I hear is distorted because I'm on the inside, my skull distorting the vibrations. But I don't sound like that, do I? I always thought I sounded like Paul McDermott (not that I was intending to, far from it, if I had a choice I'd sound like David Dixon's Ford Prefect), but instead I sound... disturbingly normal. I couldn't pick that voice out of a crowd. It's completely forgettable unless I'm doing a pepperpot voice. I might as well be Anthony Ackroyd... played by Jeff Coburn...

Well, here is my first - completely unintentional - forray into the world of audio. Now I know what all those poor suckers on the end of the phone heard when I would ring them up to check their postal details. This five minute monologue was recorded in Chris Hale's swinging bachelor apartment (he is playing the guitar in the background, while his pal Grant provides the canned laughter.) I went there needing serious cheering up following the death of my dog, Dogrooter. Chris kindly invited me around and as I poured out my woes and troubles to him he... recorded it.

Chris and Grant were amazed at my incredibly demented autobiography - surely there'd be no other reason for them to sit through me describing in graphic detail what I thought of certain Doctor Who fan audios. Chris had a section of my ranting put into his album, Spastic Sessions, which has apparently garnered huge acclaim from everyone who bothered to get a copy. And they didn't complain about my bit. At all. In fact, one bloke actually wanted a copy of "Ewen Remembers Kindy" for their own podcast.

I'd upload here except... I don't know how. It's not a video file and the blog won't accept it. It's probably for the best since it was performed entirely off the top of my head while slumped on a sofa and there are plenty of awkward pauses, stumbled words, and generally my performance was very weak. Dylan Moran can sleep at night - if he sleeps - knowing I'm not actually threatening his career.

If this link don't work, a quick list of what was in it:

1. A heavily biased depiction of my first day at Tempe Public School
2. A heartbreaking reveal of my time in the KGB
3. An honest evaluation of my place in the social pecking order
4. The time I joined an impromptu hysterical witch hunt for Mary Walker
5. My 'Alexei Sayle pretending to be Terry Jones' as a pepperpot impression
6. Some inter-religion mockery which will leave me damned in not one but two belief systems
7. A moment of Anti-American commentry which will no doubt have ASIO on my back
8. My first ever comic strip and the public reaction
9. A failed attempt by me to seem all complicated and educated with a degree in media studies and search vainly for the term "subtextual" and never convincing for a moment I have any idea what I'm saying
10. A rather odd noise (no idea what that is)
11. Chris' guitar work which will no doubt have Murray Gold come for him with a chainsaw at night

So. Yeah.

Keep your ears peeled.