TV Comic Action In Exile 9: Dr Who Versus The Gadgetmobile!

The Multi-Mobile! by Roger Noel Cook and John Canning – 5 episodes

Well, it's not like it's technology that can be misused in some way, is it?

Official Plot Synopsis:
A master tractor mechanic has built an incredible armoured vehicle called the Multi-Mobile. As its name suggests, it is capable of one hundred and one amazing feats. During a demonstration, it is dramatically stolen by three foreign agents bent on destroying the British Nuclear Defense Control Centre. They then destroy an army armoured division which attempts to stop them. Dr. Who suggests an ‘airstrike’ be used against the vehicle, but it meets with no success. Dr. Who is the only man with a plan for a last ditch bid to avoid disaster, as he leads an ill-fated U.N.I.T. attack to halt its advance...

The Doctor smiles for the first time since his regeneration. Why, yes, disaster is looming. How ever did you guess?

That’s Kind of Cool:
The Third Doctor and the Brigadier are much more in character and much more to do with the story than before, especially their differing views on military hardware. The Doctor’s working out of the agents’ plans is well thought out and the ultimate solution to the Multi-Mobile reasonable. It's sensible to assume that the vehicle wouldn't have the fuel for a countrywide stampede since it was only prepped for a demonstration session, too. The idea of agents stealing the Multi-Mobile is clever too – no one will be expecting it, no one will have another Multi-Mobile to stop them. What’s more, they stick to civilian population centres so what arsenal that CAN destroy them WON’T be used for fear of collateral damage. And the rationale for the Doctor to be at the centre of events is amazingly well done compared to previous efforts of game shows, Mafia and press tours...

You Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me:
Why the hell would UNIT need a Multi-Mobile when they’re a security force with investigative sidelines? Are they investigating its possible misuse? Come to think of it, the Multi-Mobiles are ridiculously large and cumbersome, fuel inefficient and hardly environmentally friendly. It’s also odd that it is built with no kind of off switch, security lock or self-destruct considering it is tougher than the combined military might of UNIT, the army and the RAF. Surely just building it kept up the arms race as something fitted with ground-to-ground missiles is far too dangerous for what seems to be commercial use. The Doctor and the Brigadier never bother to quiz the designer of the Multi-Mobile for anything that could be useful, and in fact he vanishes from the plot. And having a tank fight at a petrol station?!

Not so much a "cunning" plan, more a sort of "stupid and suicidally insane" plan...

Stupid Mistakes:
The Multi-Mobile has many parties (including UNIT) interested in its potential as simply conquering rugged terrain. Why does the Doctor never raise the possibility the thieves were only interested in getting the Mobile without paying?

Why is the Brigadier so reluctant to call in UNIT?

Why aren’t there any ‘get out of the way of the great big tank heading down the highway’ warnings?

How can the Multi-Mobile attack the base when it has run out of petrol? They turn up at the station but unless they manage to refill the tank during a firefight... with tanks... they should be dried up in no time! Why doesn’t the Doctor spike the petrol before UNIT attacks? Where does he get the sugar cubes from?

Why doesn’t the British Nuclear Defense Control Centre have more defences than a wire fence and a swamp? Isn’t a swamp a silly place to put the Control Centre?

Words of Wisdom:
“Would you mind explaining why you dragged me away from repairing the TARDIS just to watch this overgrown tractor throwing its weight about?”
“Overgrown tractor? UNIT is very interested in this incredible vehicle for operations in rugged terrain – I thought you might be too.”
“Well, I’m not. I’m more interested in fixing the TARDIS and leaving for another galaxy!”
“If you want me to keep supplying you with the spare parts you need, I suggest you start to take an interest in UNIT affairs!” – Amazingly enough, a conversation that sounds like something from the TV show.

“I warned you we were wasting time, Brigadier.” – The Doctor gloats as the corpses burn.

The artwork spookily suggests that it is the Multi-Mobile itself, as if the machine has somehow gained sentience... No doubt its voice would be provided by Paul Darrow.

“We’ll soon have weapons and men hidden... then all will be ready for the arrival of the Multi-Mobile!” – The Brigadier sounds curiously like an evil genius when he says this, rubbing his hands with glee...

“The Multi-Mobile’s indestructible! It’s really hammering the UNIT forces!” – The Doctor considers swapping Bessie for some more lethal and sexy hardware...

... quite ...

Cliffhangers:

1. The seemingly-empty Multi-Mobile starts to move. Realizing someone has taken over the vehicle, the Doctor grins and notes things are finally getting interesting. Next week the incredible Multi-Mobile takes on the army!
2. The thieves pilot the Multi-Mobile towards the British Nuclear Defense Control Centre, intending to destroy it and leave Britain helpless. Can nothing halt the incredible Multi-Mobile?
3. The Doctor smugly reveals to the distraught Brigadier he has a plan. Next week U.N.I.T. put the Doctor’s incredible plan to work.
4. The Doctor’s confidence fades as the Multi-Mobile survives the Brigadier’s ambush and fights back. Next week, the Multi-Mobile takes the upper hand!
5. The Doctor has a cup of tea with the Brigadier in his office where he jokes about how he defeated the Multi-Mobile. The Brigadier doesn’t get it. Next week, a sensational new Dr. Who adventure...

"Concentrated sonar beam"? This is what I think of your "concentrated sonar beam": you can shove your "concentrated sonar beam" where the sun don't shine!

At The End of the Day:
It’s a vast improvement on The Arkwood Experiments, but then it would be hard to do worse. The Doctor and the Brigadier are left on the sidelines as the major threat spirals out of control, there is a one-sided battle which leaves the Doctor in the position to scupper the plans. However the regulars both have strong characterization with the Doctor with a detached, black humor and the Brigadier uncomfortably realizing that he is way out of his depth – hardly what we saw on TV, but this was written before anyone saw any TV episodes. With only little idea of how the show would develop, it’s no wonder the stories are focussing on simple visual ideas and keeping the new characters to a minimum. Mind you, it’s not difficult to imagine the exiled Second Doctor being part of events and maybe it’d have been better to hold onto the Old Doctor until everyone was on the same page (they tried this with the next Doctor with... varying results). The climax with the Doctor spiking the petrol with sugar is a nifty twist, certainly one that all the readers would understand and appreciate, and then-TV script editor suggesting the Doctor defeat the tank with a ‘sonar device’ instead was rightly ignored. How the hell would sonar stop the tank? And why not use this magic wand earlier. Roger Noel Cook sticks to his guns, and with UNIT now consisting of more than a Private Walker lookalike, it’s a big step closer to the Doctor Who that would turn up on screen that year...

TV Comic Action In Exile 8: Awkward Continuation!

The new logo... like the new Doctor, it's barely noticeable...

The Arkwood Experiments! by Roger Noel Cook and John Canning - 6 episodes

This isn't apple juice! IT'S URINE RE-CYC!!

Official Plot Synopsis:
Given a new body and sent on a final journey by the agents of the Time Lords, the Dr Who finds himself at Brigadier Lethbridge Stewart's organization UNIT (United Nations Intelligence Taskforce). In order to obtain the various 'spares' he needs to repair the damaged Tardis, the Doctor agrees to join UNIT. The Brigadier supplies the Doctor with expensive parts in return for the use of his services, and together they stumble onto a most amazing mystery: at a small zoo usually meek and mild animals like deer, gazelles and penguins have turned into raging beasts while lions and tigers have become as tame as pussy cats. Terror reigns when a mass of savage parrots burst from their aviary. Dr Who latches onto a vital clue: evidently a party of school boys had visited the zoo just before the animals changed character! Dr Who and the Brigadier arrive at Arkwood Private School to discover there has been a savage fight, started by the meekest boy in the school! A clever but wicked ten-year-old, Cedric Matthews, has produced a change drug and uses it to turn a whole class of boys into violent hooligans...

That’s Kind of Cool:
Well. Um. The Third Doctor is captured pretty well, considering how little he’s actually in the story. Although they clearly haven’t seen any of the episodes, he comes across as quite different to his predecessor – he’s older, tired, impatient and never smiles. He looks so sad thinking about his pre-exile days, a world away from the Second Doctor’s cheerful holiday anecdotes. What's more, his new face means he's had to abandon his carefree celebrity life at the Grange Hotel, and whatever friends he had (he can't even check in on Glenlock-Hogan without giving the poor guy a total nervous breakdown), so he's been left at square one thanks to the Time Lords and left with nothing else but UNIT to keep him going.

The Doctor muses on happier times, other places, and better plots.

The Brigadier being the one to drag the Doctor into the plot is a much better contrivance than anything else so far, and it’s interesting that the new Doctor is pitted up against reckless teenagers (as in The Tearaways!), ferocious animals and saves the day by using his previous unseen adventures and a chemistry (The Brotherhood). The Doctor visiting a zoo and a school follows the TV Comic tradition of putting the Doctor in kid-oriented situation, much closer to the real world than the actual Season 7.

You Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me:
After all the effort done by The Night Walkers to segue perfectly into Spearhead from Space, this story throws that out the window with the newly-regenerated Doctor landing in UNIT HQ and immediately offering his services to the Brigadier - and all of it off-screen. No Bessie, no Liz, no clue. Why the hell would UNIT be called to deal with events at the zoo when it’s just a case of rather odd animal behavior with no casualties or signs of being anything worth the senior commander and his scientific advisor while not telling the Doctor anything. In fact, UNIT seems to consist solely of the Brigadier, the Doctor and a jeep. Needless to say, neither of them have any personality outside the initial exchange (“Come to the zoo now!” “Fuck you, Brigadier!”) and it’s not remotely like Season 7... the Brigadier has the wrong uniform on for a start!

The new, cussing Doctor in the harder, grittier and more adult version of Doctor Who for the 1970s - it's so grown-up you can barely recognize it!

And as for Cecil Matthews has to be the stupidest ‘unusually advanced’ student ever. He seriously seems to think that by turning boys of his own age – no one over ten years old or under it – into a psychotic mob can allow him to take over the whole world. For a start, there’s no reason why a bunch of violently keyed-up schoolboys will actually obey any orders of his (not that he gives any beyond “get them!”), and he hasn’t considered that his army can’t stop a tank or a bullet or sleeping gas. He has no plan for what to do with the local village beyond ‘taking it’, and has decided to take on this operation with UNIT in spitting distance. Then he gives his drug to all the animals in the zoo, just to make sure they get interested. It’s also odd that there doesn’t seem to be anyone in the story older than Cecil and younger than the Brigadier, so his army overcomes a bunch of over-fifty shopkeepers and old ladies... and then what? The Brigadier only gets the police involved after the Doctor has gassed them all...

Since Specs got all the attention, it was only a matter of time before his dimwitted twin brother finally succumbed to the Dark Side of the Force.

And finally, what the hell is this drug, anyway? How does it turn meek animals into ferocious and easily-lead psychopaths? Is it some kind of hormone? If so, why do already-aggressive minds become incredibly docile? What drug acts as a Jekyll-and-Hyde on personalities? And given that it does, why does the Doctor have to create his pacification gas – just give all the schoolkids another dose of the drugs and it will cancel out their rage!

And what happened to the flock of parrots? Did they end up in The Birds or something?

Stupid Mistakes:
Why does the zookeeper feeding the parrots call them ‘pests’? Part of the job description of working in a zoo is actually liking the animals?

How did Cecil give his drugs to all the animals without anyone noticing he was feeding them ‘sugar lumps’? Surely they should have spotted the boy offering his hand to the lions? Why does he test his drug on the guinea pig AFTER using it at the zoo? How does the zoo animals help his scheme? Does he think he can control all the birds and gazelles?

The only part of the story anyone remembers. Least of all Doctor Who Classic Comics.

While Thompson probably would be given a caning after going nuts, it beggars belief that the teachers wouldn’t at least ask WHY he became so violent – if only to make sure none of the other children snapped as well?

Cedric wants a hundred psycho schoolkids to cause chaos... but only gives the drug to a ‘small unit’. Which he then uses to lead the revolution. Instead of spiking the water supply or something like that...

If the Doctor’s gas is as powerful as he says, he may have turned all the kids into totally anger-less passive servants – and since it works on Cecil too, that means he effectively lobotomized a whole class! Even if the gas is supposed to be temporary a) the Doctor’s memory is faulty, so the gas might not be composed correctly enough to wear off b) they’ll all turn psychotic the moment it does.

Why is Cedric Matthews taken to a detention centre when he’s drugged like the others and harmless? If his chemistry set is at home, what has happened to his parents? And why does the Brigadier let the police cart off the dangerous personality-changing drugs?

He REALLY hasn't thought this through...

Words of Wisdom:
“WHAT?!” - The Third Doctor's first words in TV Comic. Mind you, it's not up against much competition from the First, Second and Fourth Doctors (“You must be John and Gillian. How nice to meet you!”, “What a barren place! I'm glad I told the children to stay inside the TARDIS!” and “You're not the only one, Sarah-Jane. I have a similar problem when I shave each day!” respectively).

It was the Brigadier's keen powers of observation that made him the obvious choice to run the United Kingdom branch of UNIT.

“He’s gone as meek as a pussy!” – The Zookeeper. Talking about a panther. Let us move on.

“Excellent!” – Cedric Matthews does his Cyberleader impression. Badly.

“I’m afraid I won’t put up with this sort of thing even in your case, Thompson. It’s the cane for you, m’boy.” – The Headmaster proves not only is he ridiculously old fashioned, he’s also horrifically stupid...

“The parrots have flown off towards town. I dread to think of the terror they’ll cause there!” – The Zookeeper again. Odd how that plot idea is never actually explored...

“LET’S TEAR THIS ROTTEN PLACE APART! OUT OF OUR WAY! TRAMPLE THEM! AND ALL OTHER ADULTS WHO STAND IN OUR WAY! GRIND THEM UNDER FOOT! NO ADULTS WILL BE ALLOWED TO STOP OUR REIGN OF TERROR! CRUSH THE MASTERS! THEY MUST NOT STAND IN OUR WAY! SHOW NO MERCY! THEY’RE DONE FOR! TO THE VILLAGE, LADS! TO THE VILLAGE! THE VILLAGE WILL SOON BE IN OUR HANDS!” – Cecil Matthews shows off his incredible gift of tactical genius and long-term planning.

“Good gracious! A great gang of hooligans!” “Hooligans! Coming this way! Prepare to defend yourselves!” “Our shops are in danger! These little tearaways have to be stopped!” “AR!” – The villagers react to the Arkwood Uprising with credible passion. Hands up if you care about them at all.

“We’re the only barrier between hundreds of innocent villagers and these little savages!” – Um, yeah, thanks for that, Brigadier, we really needed you to tell us that. Again.

“THREE CHEERS FOR DR. WHO!” – Obviously “Doctor John Smith” hasn’t taken off as a pseudonym yet.

Frobisher makes his first appearance in Doctor Who as a non-speaking villanous extra. Just like John Levine in The Moonbase.

Cliffhangers:

1. The ferocious parrots in the aviary break loose and swarm towards the Doctor and the Brigadier. Can Dr. Who and the Brigadier escape the frenzied parrots? See next week!
2. Cedric Matthews plots the conquest of the world. As you do. Next week the takeover of the ten-year-olds begins!
3. The Doctor sees Thompson being restrainted and muses that they have got to Arkwood Private just in time. Next week: wild ten-year-olds on the rampage.
4. “Trample them and all other adults who stand in our way!” screams Cedric as the mob knocks over the Doctor and the Headmaster as they head for the exit.
5. The Brigadier and the schoolmasters battered down by the mob as they finally break out of the school. Next week the savage ten-year-olds attack the village!
6. The schoolboys cheer the Doctor as the headmaster thanks him for saving the village. A new all-action adventure with Dr. Who starts next week: The Multi-Mobile!

Empty Child Karma. Steve Moffat probably read this to take away the terror of marching window dummies. And I bet it worked, too.

At the End of the Day:
A disappointment. The Night Walkers was half the length with twice the plot, three times the atmosphere and a whole world of characterization compared to this. There are no personalities and the plot goes from ‘wild birds’ to ‘wild kids’ and then the Doctor gasses them with some nerve gas he concocts for a rainy day. If anything, this story is more offensive to the readers than The Tearaways, with children shown to be seen and not heard and anyone who says otherwise is obvious a deranged freak out to conquer the world. I dare say many would have preferred the revolution to succeed, as the adults are shown to be stupid, prejudiced and paranoid. The fact that a kid not dissimilar to Cedric was portrayed as a hero and companion of the Doctor only two stories ago, shows that this could have been a great story, even by TV Comic standards. Maybe they wanted to follow The Twin Dilemma approach of not overshadowing a new Doctor and format, but neither hardly appear. A quick tinkering could easy have had the Second Doctor (probably as part of a lion-taming telethon) visit the zoo and have the keeper as his companion-expository-device, and there’s a real sense of resentment to this – like being forced to go back to school after the holidays. A miserable, almost mute Doctor and an unengaging retarded plot make this the worst comic book debut of any Doctor. Even The Extortioner was better than this!

TV Comic Action In Exile 7: It's Your Funeral...

The Night Walkers! by Roger Noel Cook and John Canning - 3 episodes

The Time Lords make their TV Comic debut by making scarecrows walk and scaring yokels to appear on gameshows. Worringly, this is as sane and logical as the Doctor's all-powerful masters ever get...

Official Plot Synopsis:
Banished to Earth by the Time Lords, Dr. Who is now living in London. Now famous for his incredible exploits, the Doctor is invited to appear on a TV panel game by well-known compare Perry Conway: Explain My Mystery. Dr. Who and a spellbound audience listen to farmer Glenlock-Hogan tell of mysterious 'night-walks' taken by his scarecrows. The jolly Conway tries to laugh off Hogan's claims but Dr. Who realizes they are not to be scoffed at and he catches the farmer as he leaves the studio. Visiting Hogan's farm for the weekend, late one night the Doctor and Hogan see the scarecrows walk...

Terry Jones' spirited audition as Liz Shaw nevertheless failed to earn him the role.

That’s Kind of Cool:
The final episode, natch. The realization that this is all a complicated assassination plot is arguably scarier than possessed scarecrows – and despite the lameness of the Doctor’s last words, it’s touching that he uses his last breathe to reassure Hogan whose entire life has been messed up by the Time Lords to add verisimilitude to their plan, as the signs are the gormless farmer is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. There’s also the impressive feat as the final page seamless merges into the opening moments of the next Doctor Who story, five weeks later...

The last frames of The Night Walkers and the first seconds of Spearhead from Space - it's UNCANNY how they match, isn't it?!?

But the whole regeneration sequence works for me. The glowing scarecrows, moving like Tharils with visual echoes and persistence of vision, blasting the Doctor who in turn starts to glow and blur brighter and brighter, twitching violently until nothing recognizable is left. Plus the lovely details of the Doctor wearing a bird watcher’s hat (which is what it’s called, not a ‘stovepipe’) which he hadn’t worn for ages, even in the comic strip, and of course the scarecrows turning him into Worzel Gummidge...

Mmm. On second thoughts, "Nnnooo! Stop, you're making me giddy! No, you can't do this to me! No no no no no no no no no no no no no..!" might be better last words after all...

You Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me:
Ironically, the Doctor being on a game show is entirely plausible compared to the insane crap he does to start off his exile adventures – it’s the actual game show ITSELF that’s utterly ridiculous. For a start: ‘Explain My Mystery’? What kind of rubbish name is that? Perry Conway doesn’t introduce the panel guests (two quiet academics), forces the contestants (all of whom are old-aged yokels) in a strange ‘hot seat’ and lets them carry canes and umbrellas with which they can beat him for mocking them. What is the prize? To have someone suggest the most ridiculous solution? The format seems to be person gives a soundbite description of their problem and the panel come up with a logical explanation entirely off the cuff which is then accepted as fact – but Hogan just says ‘my scarecrows walk’ without having any evidence, or even being quizzed further about it. And why is ‘baffling and truly chilling mystery’ better than Mrs Swiggens’ haunted house? Where are film crews and the like to investigate the actual problem and prove it all? Come to think of it, why is Hogan on the show at all since he doesn’t expect anyone to believe him? Is he actually under the control of the Time Lords? As for the Time Lords animating scarecrows and stuff like that, it’s all explained with painful non-comedy in Nicholas Briggs’ Exile, where two Time Lords (one of them David Tennant) hunt down a Quark-obsessed fugitive Doctor to rural England... not as entertaining as it sounds and not as funny as the genuine article.

But the biggest mindblower is this –

The Second Doctor perishes the week of Doctor Who’s six anniversary.

Coincidence?!

With TV Comic, we can never know...

Stupid Mistakes:
Perry Conway describes Explain My Mystery as an "exciting new panel game" and Hogan’s story as "serious". Explain My Mystery may be new, but it isn't exciting and the panel hardly feature, and Conway himself takes the piss out of the farmer's claims.

This man reduces the Second Doctor a cameo in his last story. Eric Saward makes a lifelong vow to continue his work.

Why does Glenlock-Hogan seem to wait until after the show is over to storm out of the studio? If he storms out right away, doesn’t the Doctor running after him spoil the recording? Does the Doctor not care about being paid?

Glenlock-Hogan's bid to be the Third Doctor fails at the 'spooky opening titles' test.

Why do the Time Lords return the Doctor’s TARDIS to him? Is it to complete the regeneration? Even so, why set it to take off (or is this part of the process)? And if they can send bolts of energy that animate scarecrows, why not simply land the TARDIS in his hotel room and zap him there? Are they just being really sadistic after he made a fool out of them? Is it all just contrived to fit in with Spearhead from Space?

Words of Wisdom:

"By the powers! How on Earth would they know my name?" – The Second Doctor’s last use of his favorite oath.

The Doctor's past catches up with him... or is it his future?

Farmer Glenlock-Hokum’s dialogue is so utterly unbelievable, I start to wonder if it’s part of the Time Lord trap to burn the Doctor out in the short time they know each other –
"Oi tellee there’s weird going’s on down on my farm... It’s my scarecrows... oi’ve seen em at night... come along they do an’ sort o’ sleep walk!"
"Laugh at me if yer will but ’tis true... ALL I TELLEE IS TRUE!"
"At last, a believer! Aye, come with me, Doctor and oi’ll show’e sights ’at’ll chill yer spine!"
"Tis clearing up now. Twas on just a night, a’ followin’ a storm that I first spied the scarecrows moving across the landscape. A fearful sight, it was an’ no mistake!"
"Aye, all right, Doctor, if yer think yer nerve’ll hold!"
"There be a leafy thicket close to the scarecrows where we can hide!"
"See! Their bodies begin to twitch! This is the sight I’ve witnesses twice a’fore. Surely it ain’t no illusion?"
"I don’t mind admittin’ I’m scared, an’ that’s the truth!"
"No human being will believe the account of what oi’ve witnessed!"

"HURRAH! Clap! Clap! Clap!" – One of the audience members of Explain My Mystery.

"None of the experts can help you, Farmer Hogan... but I’ve got a theory! Maybe you’ve been watching too many TV horror films! Ha! Ha! Ha! ... Ha! Ha! Ha!" – Perry Conway proves to be a crap host. Nicholas Parsons’ career is quite safe.

Cliffhangers:

1. The Doctor agrees to join Glenlock-Hogan on his farm to investigate the affair. Next week Dr. Who witnesses the eerie ‘night-walk’ of the scarecrows!
2. The Doctor eagerly follows the scarecrows, despite Glenlock-Hogan’s warnings: "B-but Doctor, there may be danger... TERRIBLE DANGER!" Next week... face to face with the scarecrows!
3. The terrified Glenlock-Hogan is left alone in a field with two lifeless scarecrows and no proof of what he just saw happen. A new Doctor and the Brigadier confront a mischievous schoolboy and his plans for school domination next week in: The Arkwood Experiments!
   
   

Is it just me or is he be turning into Peter Davison rather than Jon Pertwee?

At The End of the Day:
It has been a long, long, long time between me seeing the last installment of The Night Walkers! reprinted in Peter Haining’s 25 Years of Doctor Who book and reading the first two episodes, and tragically those who told me I wasn’t missing anything, they’re right. The first episode is utterly beyond salvaging with the truly contemptible gameshow stuff – an idea that might have worked. Why couldn’t Hogan have just asked the Doctor for help? Instead, the last comic strip of the Second Doctor has valuable space nicked by Perry Conway and a bunch of wannabe Monty Python characters which all the more notable when the comic is only six pages long! Nevertheless, the last episode is incredibly effective, with the dreamlike sight of the scarecrows dragging the dying Doctor to the TARDIS made all effective by the fact the police box never appeared in the story before. The atmosphere of the story is effectively bleak too, with the sudden lightning storms and setting most of the story at four o’clock in the morning on lonely farmland. The Doctor’s suddenly, brutal and ultimately pointless death carries the same injustice as his TV demise, a downbeat ending to the most upbeat of comic characters. But it didn’t end here, because, as Glenlock-Hogan notes, "There be more to come, Doctor. Much more..."

TV Comic Action In Exile 6: U-Friend or UFO?

Ah, the good old TV Comic logo when you didn't need Patrick Troughton's gurning features... what do you mean, "it's an omen"?

U.F.O. by Roger Noel Cook and John Canning - 5 episodes

And that was how Ford Prefect arrived on Earth to do his field research...

Official Plot Synopsis:
In the blackness of space, not far beyond Earth's atmosphere, distress signals crackle from an alien craft. Unable to return to their own planet due to irreparable damage to their navigation equipment, the aliens send out a desperate SOS. Young 'Specs' Crabshaw, a radio enthusiast, has picked up the signal but doesn't understand it. When Dr. Who tells him the hard facts, Specs can't believe his ears. Dr. Who offers to help the aliens and arranges a risky meeting in the Arizona desert. The alien craft lands at night and is seen by a couple of frightened locals. Luckily, reports of the U.F.O sighting are scoffed at. Under cover of darkness, the Doctor makes hasty repairs to the alien craft but when the job is done the aliens refuse to let him leave and take off! Dr. Who rages but is cut short when the navigator reports that the repaired equipment is jammed and that the craft is on a collision course with the moon...

Jeez, anyone would think he LIKES being trapped on Earth - with the Welsh!

That’s Kind of Cool:
Doctor Who never really did a proper UFO story, bar fobbing off the phenomenon as being down to Cybermen in The Invasion or the Parakon Corporation in Paradise of Death. The Doctor’s efforts to keep the public in the dark are a nifty contrast to the norm (even on TV), and the Quotrons are portrayed as friendly alien people with different opinions and don’t kill anyone. The fact they look like B-movie bug aliens works well too. The ‘help aliens in secret’ plot can teach Torchwood a thing or two. Specs' involvement in the story is reasonably credible , too, and he makes a decent companion, even though he does absolutely nothing in the latter half of the story, not even getting any dialogue...

Doesn't he look overjoyed at the prospect of being Earth's champion?

You Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me:
The Doctor is determined to keep humanity in the dark about alien life for the greater good – the same guy that gives lectures on alien life, attends medicals to prove he’s not human, and sold his story to the tabloids. Even if he’s just worried about another Orson Welles panic amongst the public (which is fair enough since the Quotrons are neither pretty nor speak English), he still doesn’t simply tell the authorities and organize a proper rescue-and-send-on-their-way operation to keep it quiet despite all the evidence shown that he and the governments of the world are great mates. Did the Mexico authorities refuse his conditions in The Brotherhood and thus scar the Doctor for life? Or has the Doctor discovered Torchwood is making sure that everyone just thinks he’s a publicity-seeking-freak with a vivid imagination? Of course the fact is, U.F.O. has the Doctor behaving more like his TV self than ever before, and this is just whiplash from seeing him so in character. Mind you, he still considers sitting in a hotel room with 'light reading' like Einstein's Theory of Relativity a worthy way to spend the night in.

The loose wires thing, on the other hand...

If 42 had been a TV Comic strip, this is how the plot would have been resolved.

Stupid Mistakes:
The Quotron signal is shockingly powerful, so why does only Specs pick it up?

How does the Doctor know Crabshaw’s nickname is Specs? Is he trying to be hip?

Nobody at the Ministry of Defense realized how similar the signal was to Morse Code, despite the fact they would be keeping an ear out for things like that as they initially assume a human is behind it.

The Quotrons program themselves to speak English based on Sam McLintock’s speech. So why don’t they talk like the Texan did in an incoherent mongrel dialect? Why do they use the Dalek font – the universal sign of androids and robots – to denote the very organic Quotron speech?

Translation: Quotrons strong! Quotrons mighty! QUOTRONS ROCK!!

The narrator says at the end of part four the ship will crash in two minutes. At the start of the next episode, they suddenly have four minutes left.

Why do the Quotrons wait three days before returning the Doctor and Specs when they agree to return to Arizona ‘tonight’? Did they decide to have a holiday on the moon or something in the meantime?

How come all the press are waiting for the Doctor and Specs when they all think the UFO sightings are a false alarm? Since the Doctor has been missing for three days, how do they know where the Doctor will go? And how can Specs keep his trip with the Doctor secret when his face is all over the world’s newspapers? No wonder the Doctor doesn’t keep him on as a companion – he’s probably been given a restraining order...

Throw your hands in the air and wave them round like you just don't care!

Words of Wisdom:
“In all your travels throughout the universe, Doctor, have you ever heard such a transmission? It has my staff completely baffled!” – How come the petty-mind bureaucrats on TV were never this poetic?

“M-mah eyes must be playing tricks, Jess... I’d swear that’s a spaceship!” “Tis too! Reckon we’re going off our heads!” – I like to think that these are the same banjo-plucking rednecks who get caught up in the Kentucky Goblin Spree...

“I’m not sure you should be accompanying me on this trip, Specs... Your parents would have a fit if they knew!” “They won’t be back from holiday for a week. They need never know a thing about it!” – This sounds so dodgy. I just dunno if actually seeing the Doctor and this young Aryan blonde boy during this exchange would make it more wholesome or more disturbing...

You what? You what? Doc-Doc-Doctor Who-Doc!
DOCTOR WHO! HEY! DOCTOR WHO!
DOCTOR WHO! IN! THE TARDIS!

“Wha’s that noise? Some kinda varmint trying ta spoil mah beauty sleep, I’ll wager. Glory be! THAT AIN’T NO VARMINT FROM THIS EARTH! LET’S GET OUT OF HERE MOONSHINE!” – Why is it whenever aliens come to this planet to check for alien life, they only ever encounter backward yokels? Moonshine’s a horse, BTW.

“It’s always the same, Specs! There have been hundreds of U.F.O. reports in the last few centuries... They’ve all been laughed at! I wonder if the world would laugh if they could see our meeting with Quotrons in two hours’ time!” – Looks like the Doctor’s starting to get sick of his planet of exile. Or maybe just the Welsh and their auto-delete memories?

“If Earth people were to hear from you that aliens actually exist, a disastrous panic would follow. We cannot be responsible for such a thing. The feeble minds of the world’s masses are not yet capable of coping with the fact that space creatures do inhabit the universe...” – Yeah, that Welsh stereotype is known across the galaxy.

"Damn these papperazzi, Specs! DAMN THEM! They just hound you, Specs, they hound you and they hound you and your hound you... I'll tell you, now I know how how that Diana Spencer feels some days!"

Cliffhangers:

1. The Doctor confides in Specs the signal is an alien distress signal. Will Dr. Who assist the Space-Men?
2. The insectoid aliens emerge from their spacecraft into the night, making strange noises. Next week the Doctor and ‘Specs’ rendezvous with the Quotrons!
3. The Doctor agrees to help repair the Quotron ship, and it’s a race to finish before daybreak. So into the alien craft! Will the two friends ever see the outside world again?
4. The Quotron spaceship hurtles out of control, on a collision course to the moon thanks to the Doctor’s botched repairs. Two minutes to doom! Has time run out for the Doctor?
5. The Doctor and Specs fly back to England. Next week a quiz show leads Dr. Who into danger. (And things will never be the same again...)

Amazing to think that this casual plot device will merit whole stories by the time of Tom Baker. Universal TARDIS translation my arse!

At the End of the Day:
A secret UFO visitation by benevolent aliens in the middle of the desert and a worldwide conspiracy... it’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind a decade early! The overall feel is a ‘straight’ version of the infamous Goodies parody, except that wouldn’t be seen for another ten years. The Quotrons (another failed TV Comic attempt to get a TV alien, the Krotons?) work well, when they’re unseen aliens in distress, monstrous desert scorpions, or quarreling philanthropists. The Doctor helping out aliens instead of automatically murdering them in cold blood – like in the last three stories – is as impressive a leap forward as getting the TV monsters and companions in the comic. How many readers would have expected Specs to stay on as the new companion? Not this one, as he becomes completely superfluous at the end of part two and silently follows the Doctor hereafter, especially after all the effort to justify his presence in the plot (a son of an MOD colonel who happens to be a 'radio ham' with an interest in UFOs and a desire for adventure...). Roger Noel Cook retakes control of the comic strip, even to the point of putting in the ‘proper’ Second Doctor logo from the his first B&W stories, but still can’t get out of the Carlton Grange – and England – fast enough. All in all, this is a Third Doctor story in all but main star... which makes the next step terrifyingly logical...

TV Comic Action In Exile 5: Those Cybermen In Their Flying Machines!

Wrong logo... right face... and it's in DUOTONE!

Test Flight! by A. Nonymous and John Canning

No, it's not indestructible, it just hasn't been destroyed yet. Tut. Americans...

Official Plot Synopsis:
The Doctor joins a group of scientists to witness the test run of a new fighter plane called the Dart. The observation plane carrying the Doctor and the scientists is hijacked by a group of Cybermen. With no other open the Doctor escapes to the experimental Dart, intent on using it against his old foes...

You ever wonder why the Cybermen invasion of Earth in The Tenth Planet all happened off-screen? Well, now you know.

That’s Kind Of Cool:

This is either very good continuity or very bad continuity...

The Cybermen’s plan is reasonably sensible, as they are not after some crude bit of human technology, but want to kidnap important military leaders and leave the Earth in confusion to aide their major attack. They also keep all the humans alive, presumably intending them to convert them later. The Doctor’s palpable lack of enthusiasm about watching a fighter plan go through the motions is a nice bit of characterization (as is the fact he is the one who ends up piloting the damned thing). Test Flight! is also a sequel to a previous TV Comic strip, with the return of Commander Knight, and presumably NOT the same Commander Knight who had his head ripped off his shoulders by a marauding Yeti in The Web of Fear...

You Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me:
The TARDIS doesn’t BLEEP!!!

Those blokes are the best military experts the world has to offer. Be afraid.

The world’s top military experts are a bunch of elderly academics who are deeply cowardly, seem totally ignorant about the project they presumably created and believe in black magic. Is this outright satire? Or total stupidity? The US airmen are particularly moronic as well, and frankly the idea that the most powerful and deadly fighter on the Earth is entirely under the control of the USAF is scarier than the Cybermen...

Stupid Mistakes:
To actually get in and out of the Dart, you need to be hooked up via a diagonal plastic tube to a B52. Which is likely to be a bit difficult if the pilot needs to say, bail out. Why is the Dart also fitted with enough ammunition to totally destroy several enemy fighters when the trip is to see if it flies properly?

Once again. These guys are in charge of the military forces of the whole world. Look very, very scared.

How does the Doctor know that there will be five ‘Cyber-Planes’ due to arrive? Why do the Cybermen build planes at all – can’t their spacecraft traverse the atmosphere easily enough?

How the hell does the Doctor manage to destroy five of the ‘Cyber-Planes’ and their people transporter anyway? Even with ammunition, they have their own laser beams, torpedoes, powerful computer control and they already know all about the Dart beforehand? Why not simply activate their force fields? Or simply give up and shoot down the B52, which will at least get rid of the experts and cause chaos?

And won’t the Cybermen survive a fall of forty-thousand feet? Dented admittedly, but they won’t suffocate or have heart attacks on the way down, they won’t drown if they hit water and even if they do end up in the bottom of the ocean, they’ll just walk the rest of the way to shore and cause more mischief! And that’s assuming they don’t land on some poor farmer.

Will those orgasms kill the Cybermen before they hit the ground??

Words of Wisdom:
“EXCELLENT!” – One of the experts does a decent David Banks impression. In a better story, this would be a clue that he was an agent of the Cybermen...

“It is foolish to resist. You will enter the Cyber-craft without causing further trouble or you will d-i-e!” – TV Comic show one last time that they got the ridiculous dialogue of Tenth Planet Cybermen down pat.

Commander Knight still has no idea why Colonel Mace was considered a better Brigadier substitute by RTD...

“Something has to be done! HERE GOES! Looks like I’LL be giving the Dart it’s first test flight! Now to put the Dart through her paces... wonder how she’ll perform against five Cyber-rocket-planes?” – The Doctor dives into the fray to save stupid Americans from even stupider Cybermen with his usual dramatic flair...

“If you ever want a job as a test pilot, you know there’s one waiting for you!” “Nice of you to make the offer. Farewell!” – The Doctor legs it to the TARDIS before Commander Knight tries to get him to be an unofficial scientific advisor, presumably thinking him a worse bet than the Brotherhood. Or UNIT.

Cliffhanger:

1. Commander Knight thanks the Doctor and offers him a job as a test pilot. The Doctor runs away. An action-packed new Dr. Who adventure begins next week: UFO!

Well, it could be worse. He could be shouting "DELETE!" over and over again...

At The End of the Day:
Whoever the nutter was who took over from Roger Noel Cook, he clearly wanted to have a string of one-off tales pitting the Doctor against his most famous foes and bits of TV Comic continuity one last time. If they hadn’t presumably locked him up, who knows what the next story would feature – Trods? Ice Apes? Kleptons? Jamie, John and Gillian fighting Daleks? Oh well. David Banks reprinted this entire story in his book Cybermen to show a) the Tenth Planet Cybermen was the one most embraced by comic book artists and b) TV Comic really was that retarded. The plot is utterly predictable and not very exciting, with the Cybermen trying to steal a plane that blows them up and they and the Doctor are sidelined in favor of crude space battles and Commander Knight and his bran-dead ‘experts’ who famously failed to get their own spin-off. The previous story had a better idea, characterization and plot in the same four pages and total disregard for continuity. If The Highlanders proved historicals sucked, Test-Flight! proved that TV Comic continuity was the last thing to embrace. Things would be back to normal next week... as much as TV Comic was EVER ‘normal’ to begin with...

TV Comic Action In Exile 4: Quark Chase!

Wrong logo... Wrong face... But it's in COLOUR!!!

Death Race! by A. Nonymous and John Canning

And people think Charles Daniels was exaggerating the cultural impact of the Quarks...

Official Plot Synopsis:

The Second Doctor yet again manages to completely screw up continuity in Season 6B (b).

The Tardis lands on Earth in the year 2053 and the Doctor finds himself a driver in a veteran car race. However, the Doctor finds that he is being chased by a Quark who has hijacked a motorway patrol vehicle and is intent on destroying him...

That’s Kind Of Cool:
For all the brain-damaged premise, I can’t think of another Doctor Who story involving a car race – unless you count episode two of Planet of the Spiders. The idea of alien spectators for a famous Earth event is kind of nifty too, and there’s a good explanation for why the Quarks can’t simply nuke the car from orbit and have to rely on other methods, and the idea that 1960s cars would be antiques in the far future.

"Oh. Wait. Did I say 'marvellous'? I meant to say... 'SHIT!!!'"

You Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me:
1) So, the Doctor, marooned on Earth, suddenly finds the TARDIS and it works and he escapes... only to arrive back in London, ninety years in the future. And the Doctor is pleased to be back in London. Unless his ‘marvelous’ is sarcastic, ala fantastic, this is talking crap.

Can you believe Big Finish hasn't given them a spin-off series yet?

2) The Quarks. I suppose the idea of making them a poetic-voiced race of individual-minded robot warmongers isn’t really something worth complaining about, since it was perpetrated long ago, but still... Quarks?! What the hell!? The impractical, weak, puny, easily-confused and fragile Quarks have somehow evolved beyond the need for their Dominator masters?! And THEN become the biggest baddest alien race since the Cybermen?!? OK. Now that’s out of the way, the Quarks are visiting Earth as one of many alien races to watch the race from the air. As they don’t expect the Doctor to be there, they HAVE to be there solely to watch the race. So the Quarks, the most evil robots ever, put aside their war against life kind... to watch a car race. Quarks like antique racing cars. Let me repeat that, the Quarks come to Earth not to invade, but to watch a cross country rally race.

3) The race itself. In 2053, humanity is famous enough that a car race from London to Brighton draws alien civilizations to come and float in the skies of England and watch it. Is there any kind of security about what in other circumstances would be doomsday? Why is this race using primitive gas-guzzling vehicles? Why doesn’t anyone mind a police box materializing in the grid? Where are the crowds and the TV crews? Where are the other competitors? What about all the private traffic which seems to be on the same route? Try getting a passenger seat in a national car race TODAY and see if you can manage with no notice, and imagine another fifty years of compensation culture and insurance! Did the Doctor sign any kind of waver?

4) How the hell does the Unnamed Racer win the race? His car breaks down moments before the race starts, then he takes on a passenger (who will either slow him down or cause him to use up fuel faster), then he gets held up by an AA man, loses more time getting blasted, but despite all these delays wins! The only way he could manage that is if they managed to get ahead of all the competition BEFORE the Quark attacks, which means when the pylon crashes across the highway, it would have at least delayed all the other racers – so, effectively, the Racer wins by cheating! And surely the race would be called off or held again after an accident like that, especially when they discover a Quark was trying to kill people and tamper with the outcome... it’s amazing they didn’t slam the Racer in jail right away, let alone let him win...

Stupid Mistakes:
Letting this guy take over the comic for a couple of weeks...

Only in 1969...

Words of Wisdom:
“What a lovely collection of old bangers!” – The Doctor’s tact and diplomacy strikes again.

“How’s that? I just gave your automatic fuel pump a tap!” – Dr “Dab Hand At Mechanics” Who works wonders.

“Mind if I join you? They say this rally is great fun!” “Proud to have you aboard! Your skills will come in handy if I break down.” – The Unnamed Racer desperately fixes a plot hole before it can be spotted by the readers...

“There are too many space ships in the area to risk an aerial attack on the car! Carry out your instructions!” “I will not f-a-i-l you!” – The Quarks try the same thing, made slightly more surreal that the brave young Quark is on a bungee cord descending out of the floating alien spaceship during the conversation. Why Daleks, Cybermen and Quarks spell out certain words, I have no idea...

OH THE HUMANITY!!!

“A ray gun!” – The Doctor works out the entire plot in a single frame. No doubt the insanity of it all sinks in during his hitchhiking to Brighton...

Cliffhanger:

No. I don't quite understand his logic either...

At The End of the Day
Roger Noel Cook clearly didn’t pen this story, as it craps all over his exile as the Doctor not only regains his TARDIS but the bloody thing works! Worse, the Doctor acts like he’s not been in London for ages – if I believed for a moment any thought went into this, I’d suspect that the writer hadn’t been paying attention. Despite the obvious brain damage of the plot, this brightly-coloured cartoon story is still loads of fun. Maybe this is an LSD dream of the Doctor, like in The Mark of Terror? It’s the last appearance of the Quarks in TV Comic, and they make damn well sure you remember this most overlooked of Dalek-wannabes – a lone soldier mugging an AA man and shooting down an electricity pylon right on its spiky head. Whatever stoner perpetrated this plot, we salute you! It’s a pity he couldn’t get to work on Torchwood where logic and motivation are similarly irrelevant. Mmm. Jack and Ianto being chased by a weevil on a motorbike... could work...