The Time Lord 1.10 - Them Plants Are Dangerous!

Episode: In The Forest of the Night
Song: Ancient Forest by Clannad

A little girl in a red jacket runs through a forest.
Nigel: Ah, someone obviously didn't get the memo. Fairytales are SO last Doctor.
Dave: I wonder what sadistically-slow moving shadowy unstoppable death monster is after her.
Andrew: Hey, there little red riding hood, you sure are lookin' good, you're everything a big, bad wolf would want... Howllllll!
Nigel and Dave: Shut up!
Andrew: Sorry. Why is she flapping her hands like that? Does she think she's being attacked by invisible bats, ala Marty Feldman or something? Or is she disgusted by her own breath?

The little girl stumbles across a police box.
N: Seriously. This is way out of step with the direction of the show. Is Matt Smith in this one?
A: I hope it's Capaldi. She just knocked four times on the TARDIS door. He is so screwed!
D: That girl looks just like Maeve next door, doesn't she?

The Doctor tells the random little girl to piss off when she asks for help.
N: Ah, the children's hero adults adore, ladies and gentlemen.
D: Yeah, why didn't you come out dressed as Jimmy Saville and make sure everyone hates you, jerk!
A: What an asshole. It's not even like she was wasting his time or anything!

The Doctor makes the little girl beg pathetically before letting her inside.
N: Is this some kind of long-term trauma from John and Gillian? Or did he really come to hate all the kids on Trenzalore before the end? What is this fucker's problem?

But once the little girl is in the TARDIS, the Doctor's way nicer.
A: Did... did we skip a scene? I mean, I'm not complaining he's acting halfway kind for once...
D: I like how the girl who looks like Maeve next door accepts everything, and the Doctor doesn't like that. A subtle show that he prefers people who ask questions. I bet the girl gets bullied a lot, poor thing.
N: So Clara also has a pupil with psychic powers. But she doesn't recognize the Caretaker?
D: Maybe she was off sick that week. Or maybe the disguise really worked.

The TARDIS seems to be broken. And it has a dull GPS voice.
A: He didn't get a Scottish accent for it? Or set it to sound like Amelia Pond? Or Idris?
N: I'm more bugged that the TARDIS GPS has been invented for this single scene and will no doubt never appear ever again. Like the car-lock in The End of Time.
D: If the little girl is from Coal Hill, why does the Doctor think they're nowhere near London? Does he just assume that she's been abducted by aliens of something?

The little girl shows that London has turned into a primeval forest. She kinda likes it.
N: I was sure someone would say "They've certainly let the grass grow since I was here..."
D: It's the Goodies, obviously. We all saw the ep where they accidentally covered everything in grass.
A: So the Doctor set the controls for Trafalgar Square, landed in the middle of a forest and... tried to leave immediately? He didn't explore? No fist, Capaldi. No freaking fist.

Meanwhile... or perhaps previously... Clara and Danny and some kids are spending the night snoozing in the London Zoological Museum.
A: Um... why? I get it's an excursion but generally you only stay overnight if the kids can't get home. Is it really such a long journey from the museum back to Coal Hill?
D: And why are they sleeping with the exhibits? Well, why are they allowed to sleep like this? This has to be the most relaxed museum I've ever been in.
N: I'm kind of torn. The kids are well acted and well written, but Clara and Danny aren't really acting like teachers. The way Clara just shrugs off the wierd rings in the tree - she didn't even say "you can research that at home" or something. What kind of teacher is she?
D: Maybe she and Danny stopped giving a crap after a whole day with these kids. Well, Clara did.

The museum is eerily deserted. No, wait, it's just a decrepit security guy. A very, very slow decrepit security guy. It takes such a long time for him to open the door, it's not entirely surprising to find London an overgrown jungle when the kids finally get out.
N: The kids are good. I like how they start taking photos and the girl thinks they might have been in suspended animation - very sensible, credible behavior all told.
D: But why aren't their phones buzzing with texts from people telling them "ZOMG! Trees everywhere!"
A: Yeah, the school would be checking up on them surely?

Oh yes, the forest now covers the whole planet.
D: Very RTD this bit, with the floating news reports.
A: Odd how the French reporter is the only one upset. Are these trees giving off marijuana fumes to make everyone mellow? That would make sense of why no one seems to react.
N: Well, once you get over the initial shock, I suppose lots of trees aren't frightening.
D: Yeah, they're not like the evil fir trees from Rocko's Modern Life.
N: So, what you reckon? Parallel universes merging?
A: It's happened before, judging by the tree trunk in the museum. Obviously everyone got stoned then too, considering no one remembers it...

Clara gives the Doctor a dirty phone call.
N: I'm glad we can see JLC's side of the conversation. The way she wants to show the Doctor something he'll love... let's just say, you wouldn't think from her voice she was sober. Or clothed.
D: She does sound like a 1800 number. Call now! Our companions are waiting to talk vaguely!
A: Um... is the forest really that amazing? It's unusual, yes, of interest, yes, but it's just a freaking forest with some traffic lights and buses in it. The Goodies did it!
D: Maybe the fumes are getting to her. She sounds off her face.

The Doctor replies that he's found a lost kid. Clara is amazed. As are we.
A: Maeve?! Her name is really actually Maeve?
D: Oh man, this is shit is freaking me out! How did they find a girl with the same face and name as the girl next door? Is she actually a British actress and we never realized?
N: I can't believe Clara didn't notice Maeve was gone. Either the fumes stopped her and Danny doing a basic headcheck (which every teacher, no matter how crap does) or else she's gone even more insane than she was last week...
D: She does seem more pissed off not to be able to show off to the Doctor than worried about Maeve. Well, she IS worried about Maeve. But still cares about impressing the Doctor more.
A: The Doctor's probably cross Clara and Danny have been so negligent. Makes sense, I guess - he never signed on to look after and educate kids, they did. They don't have any excuse.
N: Apart from the invisible dope fumes, I guess.
D: Either way, it's obvious he doesn't trust them to look after Maeve or he'd have just bundled her out the doors and told her to follow the trails...

Clara is definitely getting baked.
N: Holy crap, remember when Clara could lie convincingly? I can't believe Danny falls for that "Oh, right, yes, that's what I was doing, good thing you reminded me" stuff. I mean, if someone genuinely was that forgetful, you'd be giving her CAT scans...
D: So the school still haven't tried to contact them? Man, standards at Coal Hill have gone right down...
A: Oh, she is such a bitch - making it Danny's fault for not noticing Maeve isn't there!
D: Maeve. I just can't believe it.
N: Right there will you, dude. And ironic Danny thinks no small child should be left alone with the Doctor just as we see for the first time he's actually halfway sociable around them.
D: You know, seeing teachers argue like that would be quite freaky for most kids. It's a good thing they know the two of them are banging each other, but even the little git with the torch can tell they're incompatible.

Oh yeah. London. Trees. Etc.
N: How did that bike end up halfway up a tree? Did the tree grow beneath it?
D: Yeah, surely lots of buildings would be smashed or knocked over. Power lines should have come down. Hospitals should be in crisis. Something must be really wrong with reality.
A: Or the fumes? Maybe that's why the Doctor's hiding in the TARDIS.
D: Why don't they try navigating through the railway tunnels? Are they full of bushes as well?
N: Did everyone else in London disappear like in that Sarah Jane story? Where is everyone?
D: Is one of those kids going to grow into Moz in The IT Crowd? Look at the afro and the NHS specs.
N: Hey, I almost felt sympathy for Clara when she gets reminded she has to priorite the kids over solving the mystery. She actually seems guilty for letting that slip her mind.
A: She's really not used to facing wierd things without the Doctor, is she? She needs someone to discuss plot points with. Pity she doesn't have Artie and Angie any more.
N: No. It isn't.
A: No, you're right. It isn't.
N: Um, is Clara turned on by the fact Danny cares about the kids? That does suggest she gets the raging thighsweats for most teachers. And babysitters. And children's TV heroes.
A: More worryingly, she strongly implies she doesn't care about the kids herself.
D: Or maybe she gets aroused at the thought someone else will do the "grown-up" stuff allowing her to indulge in her demented fantasies...

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister decides to kill the trees with fire.
D: WTF? Yes! Set fire to the forests swallowing everything! What could go wrong?
N: Yeah, is there a sudden tax on chainsaws or something? The branches snap off easily!
A: If this was RTD's era, the trees would be killing the PM as he spoke.
D: Obviously he's gone paranoid. Marijuana can have that affect. He's freaking out.

Maeve continues to bring out the best in the Doctor.
D: It looks a bit like when Spike and Dawn were mates. Capaldi's very Spike-like, hopping on and off monuments in a long black coat with white hair, not talking down to kids.
N: His mocking "tree facebook" feels the closest he's got to Malcolm Tucker so far.
A: Maeve should totally be the new companion. She's certainly better for the Doctor than Clara.

Maeve's mother, however, is a few chestnuts short of a simile.
D: Our Maeve's mum isn't that stupid. If it's so dark, put a light on!
N: She's presumably yelling at her ex-husband on the phone. Why hasn't he mentioned that the trees have swallowed the whole city? Hasn't she watched the news? Even Maeve's watched the news?
A: And I point out, we noticed Maeve's mum assumed the plants outside the window were her neighbor's plants so our objections still stand.
D: That said, Maeve's mum is smarter than her neighbor who seems to think this is some local goverment stunt. Doesn't she watch the news either? That does it, the trees are definitely getting everyone high!
N: It's sad that Maeve is the only kid whose parent is willing to search for...

Danny, Clara and the kids reach the Doctor and Maeve.
A: The trees are clearly messing with the minds of the kids. Why else would Bradley suddenly say please after acting like a shit all the way to Trafalgar Square. It's not like they've had an emotional journey.
N: Ah, it's obvious these are the troublemaking kids. I think Ruby needs meds more than Maeve does, though. She clearly has serious problems in comprehension.
D: Though her point "Why ask me to solve X when it's obvious I don't know?" is pretty valid.
A: Oh darn, the Doctor's doing his ninja appearance thing. Why?
D: Thank goodness he's undermining Clara's authority at every point, insisting he isn't going to solve everything every time she bigs him up. Notice how he points at Clara when he says "You can't lie to trees!"
A: I think the Doctor's getting a bit high. Yes, I'm sure people boggled at the sudden ice age but "it just does" has to be the worst explanation since that retarded science teacher in The Happening dismissed everything wierd as an act of god.
D: And The Happening was all about trees that give off toxic gases that make people crazy.
N: Which is quite clever. The trees' growth is destroying the city and they're making sure no humans can organize a defense because they're all going bonkers.
A: The PM's agent orange solution might actually save the day...
D: And Maeve buggers off as soon as the Doctor starts talking wierd.
A: Hang on, is this episode set in 2016? The Doctor just said that...

The Year 8 Gifted and Talented Class visit the TARDIS. The Doctor goes all Shrek.
D: Guess Maeve's gift was to make the Doctor nicer. None of these can manage it.
A: I'm really bugged now. Is this in 2016? I mean, Power of Three was set in 2016 at the earliest and if Day of the Doctor comes after that... But Clara was 24 in Bells of St John, and that was 2013, so if she's 27 in Deep Breath, this is 2016. But didn't someone way she was born in 1986? That would mean she was 27 in 2013 and this could only be 2014 at the latest and...
N: Ah, Capaldi gets his own UNIT era dating issue. He must be so proud.

Turns out Maeve predicted the whole thing in her exercise books.
D: Hang on, we didn't have colouring-in picture books in Year 8! That's more like Year 2!
N: English schools, remember. All backward.
A: If Maeve predicted all this, why is she surprised?
D: It seems the Doctor is genuinely face-blind. Or else he is REALLY stoned.
N: Ruby is. She's screaming Maeve's going to die in the forest despite there being absolutely no danger, or any sign they were worried about Maeve on the way here. Did they not realize they'd lost her?
D: Okay, so the moral this wierd is to not take your medication and listen to the voices in your head? I see a high turnover of presidents in the future...

The Doctor and Clara set off to find Maeve. Danny stays with the kids.
A: Very subtle disappointment from Danny that she can't even lie to him properly.
N: Danny seems the only one not going crazy. Unless when they come back to the TARDIS they find he's killed all the children with an axe and is giggling to himself.
D: Does Clara actually believe that the kids have untapped potential or is this a Gormsby 5F-style exclusion of all the disruptive influences?
A: Ooh, more subtley as the traffic lights go out in the background. Ominous.
D: But not scary. They're not trying to make this episode scary. Nice change of pace.

The trees bring down Nelson's column.
N: Okay. That's really going to take some explaining.
A: If Nelson's column is collapsing, plenty of other buildings must be too.
D: It's more and more like a Goodies episode. It'll be the GPO tower next...
A: The fumes are definitely getting to Clara. She's apparently afraid for the first time ever - so apparently all those other times didn't count or she's going mad. She even says the idea of losing a kid doesn't scare her. You think that's down to her experiences in the Doctor's timestream that's made her so blaze or what?
A: The Doctor's worried she'll get turned on by the danger and seduce him. Heh.
D: This is getting to be one of those Farscape episodes where everyone goes crazy.

Meanwhile, Maeve's mum is wandering around like that chick from "Dragonfire".
D: OK, Ms. Arden is worried about Maeve. She's lost one daughter, she can't lose another. I get that. But cycling through trees screaming "MAEVE" isn't going to work. Is it the fumes?
N: Why can't she ring Maeve up on the mobile? We know the network isn't down!
A: Fumes. Lots and lots of fumes. You think she would have noticed Nelson's column collapsing...
D: Maybe it didn't collapse and it was just a hallucination?

The Doctor and Clara track Maeve's trail as she runs into defoliant squads.
A: It's lucky she's colour-coordinated all her belongings the same shocking pink.
D: No, a lot of girls do that at that age.
N: Reminds me a bit of 42 with these visored characters shouting "we are burning" over and over again.
A: Probably the scariest bit so far. You wordlessly get the feel they don't know what they're doing and people are going to get very badly hurts.

However, puny Earth flamethrowers are no match for these trees.
A: I think the CGI dudes were on the wrong page. The dialogue says the trees won't catch fire, but that one clearly does and then the flames burn out. The Doctor says the tree survived by sucking up all the oxygen from the fire. That's not what we saw, either.
N: Maybe the fumes are altering the perceptions so they're seeing different things?
D: It's strange, I feel the urge to defend this episode rather than damn it.
N: That's the fumes talking.

It seems the Earth's going to get roasted in a solar storm a millennia ahead of schedule.
N: Is Clara affected by fumes or just crazy? The Doctor sure as hell is annoyed she's prioritizing a row with Danny over the fate of every living thing on Earth...
D: Clara is teetering on the edge of dispensibility. She is literally useless this week. Danny would be a better companion. She's plunged to the level of Kate Tollinger in Robin Hood - a genuine loadstone around the neck of every single character. She can't even tell what the date is!
N: And she just admitted she thinks all her kids are talentless morons!
A: Yet this doesn't feel like the writer's getting her wrong, just she's deteriorating more and more...

Bad wolves howl. This is quite ominous.
D: The Doctor says the trees have broken down the walls of the zoo, letting the wolves out, but why would the wolves escape? Unless there's a threat, why wouldn't they stay inside and wait to be fed as usual. Is the tree growth scaring them? Or fumes driving them into a frenzy?
A: Or is it just another hallucination?
N: Clara's IQ's shrinking as we watch. "Is that a howl? Is that a wolf?" Gimme strength!
D: Oh man, those wolves are so fake. You remember The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe where half the monsters were cartoons? That's how fake they are!
N: Maeve's sultry look makes me think she's either going to seduce them or tear them apart with her bare hands.
A: I never realized Mel screamed with the voice of an eight-year-old girl til now.

Maeve runs to safety. Clara doesn't help. She tries, but...
N: Sweet onion chutney! At this rate Clara'll need a leash! She can't even spot a gate in a fence right in front of her. The trees must be numbing her brain, mustn't they? Clara was practically a genius 20 minutes ago...
D: The Doctor's already much nicer with Maeve around.
A: And the wolves are clearly being controlled by the trees. As the Doctor says, they're boderline domesticated after growing up in a zoo!

The wolves run away. A tiger wanders up.
A: Oh, right. Coz of the title.
D: Except the tiger only burns brightly in the forest at night. This is day time.
N: Less CGI than the wolves, though. I dunno if it could climb the fence, even if the trees make it want to.

And Danny shows up with Chekov's torch and scares the tiger away.
D: Splendid work, Pink, splendid work. Now, why are you lounging around with kids in spitting distance of the tiger which might change its mind and devour you at any second?
A: Fumes. No one writes a story with everyone suddenly acting this stupid by accident.
N: Apart from Eric Saward.
A: And Mark Gatiss.
D: And Philip Martin.
N: And Alan Barnes. Damn, Alan Barnes does it one hell of a lot...

Maeve leads them to the cobwebby glowy heart of the forest.
N: Is it the Animus? The Great Intelligence?
D: What are the deck chairs about? Was this a beach before the trees arrived?
A: So what are these things? The good twin of Vashta Nerada? That sparkly golden stuff creating trees by warping time or what?
N: I don't understand half of what they said. Apparently they didn't summon the Doctor, and they've come back for the solar flare. I don't think we've had a revelation that explained less than we knew before.
A: How did they create the forests? Why is everyone stupid? Does every planet have magical forest sprites?
D: Where did we get the idea the trees have summoned a firestorm? It'd kill all the birds and plants they need to survive! And if they've done it before, why is mankind still intact?
N: And isn't Adrelaide Brook a fixed point in time? Ergo, the Earth can't be destroyed now...
A: It's the fumes. I bet there isn't a solar storm, the Doctor's just lying stoned on the control room floor.
N: I think Clara's reached that point. "We love trees!" Yes, of course, luv. Sit in the corner, will you?

Clara suggests a last-second escape for her and the kids in the TARDIS.
N: Hah! I bet Johnny Jack's regretting that line about saving the great trees now, loser!
D: Hang on, is Ms. Arden just randomly going through the forest or did she go to the museum to get directions? She's no reason to be anywhere near Trafalgar Square...
N: It's the fumes!
A: The TARDIS covered in vines is probably the only visual evidence to support everyone saying the forest is growing all the time. Bit like the end of The Uggraks, really.

But what's this? Clara wants the Doctor to leave alone and escape, leaving humanity to die.
A: The Doctor's properly horrified at the suggestion. Not too long ago, you could buy Capaldi going "fair enough, your choice" and leaving without a second thought.
D: He's right to be horrified. His moral compass and best friend is choosing to let the children in her care burn to death even though she has a way to save them!
N: Of course, given how fast he can pilot the TARDIS, the Doctor could proably rescue all the parents as well. I mean, can't he pop off, pick up a stellar manipulator and use it to save the day? Are the fumes preventing him from thinking clearly? What am I saying? Of course they are! Very clever.

A: "What are you going to do? Find a space academy for the gifted and talented?" Hah! It worked for John and Gillian, didn't it? Mind you, having some of these kids as companions would be kind of cool. There's quite a TV comic vibe to this, like there was with the awesomeness of Dinosaurs on a Spaceship.
D: Enough of TV Comics.
N: Clara would rather die than become like the Doctor? That's a bit of a turnaround, isn't it?
A: The fumes are behind it. See, they act like polymorph bites and change you into your opposite - the rowdy kids are now polite, the dumb ones are clever, Clara is a suicidal moron and the Doctor is now a useless over-affectionate nutter. Look how he reverses his position
D: What about Danny?
A: Well, he's blindly accepting everything Clara says and is happy to go back to the TARDIS...
N: And so the fumes are making the Doctor leave without stopping everything. Fiendish! These trees are way more manipulative than those loser bastards in the Silence!

The TARDIS leaves Earth for the last time... as if!
A: Does any viewers really think the Earth's gonna burn? Really?
D: You could say that about any story.
N: But in any story the Doctor's trying to stop it.
D: I'm more annoyed we didn't get to see all the vines hit the ground after the TARDIS takes off.
N: If humanity is wiped out in 201-whatever, then surely there'll be no war on Trenzalore.
A: Hell, Vicki will never be born. Everything prior to The Sensorites will be undone!
N: On the bright side, now he's in the TARDIS away from the fumes, the Doctor seems to be realizing that.
D: "I am Doctor Idiot!" Indeed you are. Indeed. You are.

The Doctor rushes back to tell everyone they're not going to die. Clara didn't mention that, so everyone is stunned into silent horror.
D: Heh. I like the class sitting on the steps. Very credible that.
A: See, the Doctor changes in the fumes. He calls Danny "Mr. Pink"! What more proof do you need?
N: Hang on... so the trees add oxygen to get rid of the firestorm? Wouldn't that fuel it?
D: I dunno. We blow on candles to put them out.
N: OK. Still, the Doctor's taken some fumes, we can accept his explanation is - as he puts it - "trippy".
A: Hang on, the magical forests save Earth from comets and meteors? Didn't do the dinosaurs any good. And the way the voices talked about wars and graves didn't suggest they like mankind...
D: Even so, it makes more sense for the forest to grow as a failsafe than a retarded fireball-magnet.
N: Not much.
A: No, no much. But some. And after finding the Boneless were evil last week, it turns out the forests are good. The Doctor's really not a good judge of character, is he?

But the trees are in danger!
D: I thought they were magic trees. How can defoliants affect them now?
A: Maybe they can't and everyone's freaking out pointlessly. Again.
N: You know, this story only makes sense if everyone's freaking out.
A: At least it makes sense. Better than the Silence Will Fall arc.

And the kids make it a project to do a speech to the whole world to stop them cutting down trees.
A: Clearly there's not much urgency.
D: I guess the TARDIS translators will mean people understand Maeve. Before all the fumes make them tear their own heads open in paranoia.
N: Oh, NOW Ms. Arden thinks of ringing Maeve.
D: "Be less scared, more trusting!" Is that some fourth wall thing to the fans?
N: What, accept bizarre plot ideas rather than being critical?
A: I mean this whole series has been supposed to be scary.
D: But the Doctor's fear has always made him wrong about things.
N: What? Like when he thought the Boneless might not be evil?
A: Yeah, isn't being scared a superpower? Look how far trust got the Ood!
D: We haven't seen an Ood for years. They should come back.

The kids want to go home and Danny refuses point blank to watch the solar storm.
N: Smart guy. If he gets sterilized from the radiation, he won't be able to sire Orson.
D: What's all this bollocks about him not having to see things just because he's a soldier? Why not just say "I don't want to sit in the TARDIS while you and Malcolm Tucker ooh and ahh at CGI"?
A: Obviously the fumes have got to him too. I mean, has everyone forgotten the TARDIS is a time machine?
N: I think Danny might have a point. Clara's so busy being awed by supernova she's not bothering to deal with the real world of indidivuals any more. If Clara doesn't want to turn into the Doctor, then Danny obviously doesn't want to turn into Clara.
D: Don't blame him. If anything, this madness fumes are making her more rounded and sensible.
A: Snogging teachers? They could get struck off for that...

Danny can't even be arsed to be angry at his pathological liar of a girlfriend.
D: Danny's quite happy for Clara to travel with the Doctor after all, he just wants her to stop lying.
A: And she only lies out of her bizarre control freak obsession.
N: I bet this ends with Danny ditching Clara and joining the Doctor.
D: Hah! Danny won't even let Clara tell "the truth" when she wants to - that should remind her she isn't the boss of absolutely everything. OH YEAH, AND YOU WERE GONNA LET THE KIDS BURN, YOU BITCH!
A: See, the scary thing is I can see her doing that without the fumes.

Clara and the Doctor watch the Earth fail to burn.
A: So, what, she escorted all the kids home and then went back to the TARDIS?
N: Cut scenes! They kept in that slow-moving idiot at the museum but they skip bits like this.
D: Missy is annoyed the Earth didn't burn. I guess that means heaven's not full yet.

The magical forests vanish into pixie-dust.
A: Hang on, are we saying all the oceans were swallowed by forests too?
N: So the forests mind-wipe humanity. Or is it the long-term effect of the crazy gas?
D: Why do they want people to forget?
A: Presumably because humans would go "hey, where were you bastards at Chernobyl?" and stuff like that.
D: Um, what about Nelson's column smashed to bits. Did they repair that, too? And what about the escaped animals from the zoo?
A: Guess they were all hallucinations.
D: So if humans remembered feelings, they'd never fight wars or have kids? Epidurals exist, you know!

Maeve and her mum find Maeve's sister hiding in a bush...
A: ...grinning with the hunger of a thousand vampire zombies!
N: OK. So, she came home as per the instruction, then hid behind a bush which conveniently vanished at the last moment?
D: I hope she's not another hallucination. I like Maeve and her mum.
A: Did the trees magically make her forget whatever made her run away in the first place?
N: More importantly, when everyone forgets about the trees they'll get about Maeve's phone call and Annabel will be wondering why the hell she's back with her stupid family.

4/5

D: That wasn't bad. Not bad at all.
N: It seemed to be written and plotted by someone who was surgically attached to a hookah with a saline drip of bong water, but not to bad. It just needed a clearer explanation for what the hell the trees were. Hell, a simple mumbled line about "block transfer computation" would have worked.
A: What was amazing were all the kids and Capaldi getting on so well. Not once did he diss them all for having pudding brains or any bullshit like that.
D: And Clara's increasing psychosis is clearly going somewhere, but both the Doctor and Danny are treating her gently instead of going absolutely angry batshine furious. Yeah, a nice relaxing episode that was rooted into fairytale instead of straightforward slasher movie.
N: Title was stupid. It wasn't at night.
D: Thank god. I've had enough of pitch dark tunnels and corridors.
A: Of course we had to imply the crazy gas explaining everyone's actions.
N: I don't believe the writer could write everything so badly it had a perfect explanation? I bet you there'll be a cut scene where the Doctor says the mite's energy is affecting their thoughts, which is precisely what we saw happen to Maeve. This Doctor definitely works better with kids.
D: Where'd this come in the DWM poll?
A: Uh... 245th. Out of 253.
N: What?! You're bullshitting. What story did it beat?
A: The Dominators.
D: And what story beat it?
A: Uh, Rings of Akhaten. And that was beaten by The Space Museum.
N: So those retarded grass munchers think this is the worst New Series episode?
A: No, that's Fear Her.
D: They rate Idiot's Lantern ABOVE Fear Her?
A: They rate EVERYTHING above Fear Her except for Twin Dilemma.
N: Christ! No wonder Colin Baker's boycotting the bloody mag...