Dear ABC...

I am writing to complain in the strongest terms about the episode of Catalyst you perpetrated at 8:00pm on Tuesday, 24th March 2015. The episode purported to be an impartial and scientific analysis into the humane treatment of horses in regards to racing competitively, etc, but it was clearly just a huge waste of taxpayer money for the main correspondent to indulge in her hideous sexual depravity.

Oh, I was suckered in by the logical progression of the investigation - the revelation that horses have more pain receptors than humans, the argument anything that would make a human feel pain would thus leave the horse in agony, but oh, wait, let's have the investigator strip to her underwear in the middle of a run-down warehouse while a strange man flogged her in front of a heat-sensitive camera which showed to us all that the red welts left on her were NOT the hottest parts of her body at the time. And then the journalist pulled up her knickers to expose even more of her flesh which she then massaged erotically in front of camera.Then, just to cross another one off her kinky fetishist bucket list, she contrived to be spanked by A CIRCUS MIDGET on the grounds that this would better simulate the blows inflicted by a jockey!

Oh, Auntie, I do not pay my taxes to see 30+ year old science journalists go all sub/dom with circus midgets and get flogged for their own sexual gratification which is then broadcast across the nation.

Obviously, until now I had never realized that this was an option. Why, had the ABC suggested they could use their serious contemporary news programs to let their straight-laced reporters indulge in incredibly stimulating kinky sex, I dare say you could raise the 8-cents-a-day rule to a pay-as-you-perve $80. Good god, imagine the potential! Kerry O'Brien in a gimp mask spanking answers out of Corey Bernadi, Juanitia Phillips in PVC corset using a meat tenderizer on Clive Palmer, Emma Alberici with bamboo shoots and razor blades to deal with Christopher Pine, Leah Sales with a hockey mask and a chainsaw screaming with laughter as she tackles economic theory with you-who-know. Why, the sheer IDEA of what Tony Jones might do to Tony Abbot with a rubber glove, some industrial lubricrants and a pile of unsold Angry Boys merchandise makes the imagination real with the possibilities!

So, stop prick-teasing, ABC! Ship up and spunk out!

Yours, squiggle.