Ode to a Smurf

Ladies and gentlemen we present for you now the lost songs of Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Pilates of Penance". These songs were censored at the time by Queen Victoria herself because of their intense political and revolutionary nature. We present them to you now, translated from the original html text...


THE BLOGGER
When I was a lad I adored McCoy
And bought many an overpriced Dapol toy
Though of course Tom Baker was the Time Lord true
And in scarf and hat, I dressed as Doctor Who

CHORUS
And in scarf and hat, he dressed as Doctor Who

THE BLOGGER
To see my mother recover from cancer of the breast
When it comes to Whovians I am the best

CHORUS
To see his mother recover from cancer of the breast
When it comes to Whovians he is the best

THE BLOGGER
When McCoy ran out, the repeats began
It would be many years till we saw Paul McGann
In the meantime were season eighteen to twenty-two
Shown at four in the morning, but still it was Doctor Who

CHORUS
Shown at four in the morning, but still it was Doctor Who

THE BLOGGER
I stayed up late to tape them, quite an excess
And of all other Whovians I am the best

CHORUS
He stayed up late to tape them, quite an excess
And of all other Whovians he is the best!

THE BLOGGER
When the books came out, I collected them all
Starting with Witchmark at Dalek-run book stall
I only got it for the cover, the words weren't much
Nonetheless I collected the New Adventures and such
Literary escapades, eight, missing and past less
Amongst true Whovians I was not the best

I read them all, even the ones that were crap
First Sabbath than Shalka and worse mindless pap
Exodus overrated, Adventuress a chore
About a bearded Doctor marrying a whore
Then came a news the TV show was back
Written by RTD and not some old hack

CHORUS
Written by RTD and not some old hack

THE BLOGGER
The 2005 season passed the test
And I remained a Whovian and the best

CHORUS
The 2005 season passed the test
And he remained a Whovian and the best

THE BLOGGER
The next year left something to desire
Throw The Idiot's Lantern into the fire
But with the arrival of the bride runaway
The entrance of Donna truly saved the day
Until four knocks came at the end of time
RTD's NuWho had both reason and rhyme

CHORUS
RTD's NuWho had both reason and rhyme

THE BLOGGER
Though Moffat as a replacement I confess
Filled with dread this Whovian more than the rest

CHORUS
Though Moffat as a replacement he confessed
Filled with dread this Whovian more than the rest

THE BLOGGER 
Thankfully proved wrong, Fnarg was great
But Fnarg-plus-one certainly did grate
With a story arc both boring and dull
A good thing Moffat decided to cull
The dreary Silence and River Song's mystery
And agree to celebrate the 50th anniversary
I had no complaints, in fact I cheer
To be Whovian when November comes here

CHORUS 
He had no complaints, in fact he cheered
To be Whovian when November came here

THE BLOGGER
When Smith went the way of those before
Replacing him with Capaldi left me unsure
A man better known for being Malcolm Tucker
Seemed wrong for the job, you stupid motherfucker

CHORUS
Seemed wrong for the job, you stupid motherfucker!

THE BLOGGER
The scripts that were leaked left me undecided
And upon this blog my doubts were confided
Though the finished episodes were above-par
From my definition of Doctor Who they were far

CHORUS
From his definition of Doctor Who they were far

THE BLOGGER
These troubles of mine I had to get off my chest
But I'm still a Whovian and probably the best

CHORUS
These troubles of his he had to get off his chest
But he's still a Whovian and probably the best

THE BLOGGER
For I've read the books, seen every episode too
That exists in the archives of Doctor Who
To Big Finish I listen, TV Comic I read
I know Doctor Who in both thought and deed
After fifty years, three fifths in my eye
I feel I can judge if the show did die

CHORUS
He feels he can judge if the show did die

THE BLOGGER
And die it did on the fields of Trenzalore
But who can blame it for coming back for more?

CHORUS
And die it did on the fields of Trenzalore
But who can blame it for coming back for more?

THE BLOGGER
It's not Doctor Who though it claims to be
In a series of dark dramatic intensity
With adult concerns and monsters in the night
Who are unstoppable, there's no point to fight
That this show is good is obvious to see
But it don't feel like Doctor Who to me

CHORUS
But it don't feel like Doctor Who to he

THE BLOGGER
With careful consideration and not one jest
For I am a Whovian above the rest

CHORUS
With careful consideration and not one jest
For he be a Whovian above the rest

THE BLOGGER 
I declare Deep Breath onwards NOT Doctor Who
But as it's replacement, it will certainly do
I'm surprised my opinion matter so much
To GenX proud of being out-of-touch
Unwanted on this blog and this made clear
Jokes about child abuse are not welcome here

CHORUS
Jokes about child abuse are not welcome here!

THE BLOGGER 
I've seen the show both old and new
Hence my claim that I know Doctor Who
Others disagree, good luck, fair enough
They have their own blogs on this to discuss
Unusually pointless my opinion may be
But this is my blog and dedicated to me

CHORUS
But this is his blog and dedicated to he!

THE BLOGGER
Do you really believe you will change my mind
By posting abuse which is far from kind?
All that remains to clarify this strife
RM, shouldn't you be busy fucking your wife?

CHORUS
RM, shouldn't you be busy fucking your wife?

THE BLOGGER
I've discussed this enough, it is time for a rest
As a Whovian I have proved myself the best. 

CHORUS
He's discussed this enough, it is time for a rest
As a Whovian he has proved himself the best.