If Jared Reviewed Deep Breath...

...it'd definitely be better-written and possibly more upbeat than the following. I was considering a long rambling post about the nature of spoilers and how I've grown up more often than not knowing what's going to happen and also found a measure of comfort in that foreknowledge.

So. I got the script for Capaldi's first episode. And then his first episode.

You can guess spoilers follow, but I doubt they'd ruin Deep Breath completely. See, disturbing rumors and mutterings were spreading about the Twelfth Doctor era. Now, I threw these off. The Eleventh Hour smacked me stupid for doubting everyone involved and I expected likewise. But no.

Peter Capaldi is a good actor - but then so is Colin Baker. Once again, the powers that be have decided the best way to tackle a new Doctor is to make him a completely unpleasant, morally-bankrupt jerkass in an ultra-violent, nihlistic Kaldor-City-esque conspiracy universe that's papered over with some black comedy gags (though, to be fair, this time the jokes ARE funny). Added to that some crude immortal wangst, lots of overarching plots and a supporting cast full of bissexual thugs and we end up with a slightly-more witty version of Torchwood. In short? Not bloody good enough.

I gave Moffat plenty of chances to pursuade me otherwise, but he's gone one further.

Not only does this new show not feel like Doctor Who, it seems to be something I'd hate.

A line's been drawn in the sand, and I'm on the wrong side of it.

*

0:14 - good thing no one promised a new, forward-looking era of Doctor Who but a bunch of Pertwee homages for the next half-decade. Considering the very first thing we see is an unconvincing T-rex roaring at Big Ben while comedy yokels boggle, you can't say isn't Moff's starting as he means to go on.

0:50 - so, Vastra gets turned on by female dinosaurs? Surely that's a tad kinky, even for a Silurian. And even Jack eventually learned "time and a place". No wonder Classic Who never had female Silurians, they're too bitch-cazy homoronal sluts to give stories a deep emotional edge. Was the Myrka female too, I wonder?

1:00 - good point. How exactly does the Thames T-rex get overlooked by history? Does anyone give a shit about plausible deniability any more?

1:23 - cue infinity of gag meme about Dr Who getting blow-jobs from dinosaurs. You know it'll happen.

1:45 - "Your grasp of biology troubles me." Heh. But seriously, the coppers in Black Orchid were spooks compared to Inspector Gregson. This guy is such a moron I'm amazed he even is able to walk and talk at the same time. Remember when historical characters had actual IQs? Anyone?

2:02 - eh? Why did she call Gregson "Strax"?

2:15 - now I come to think of it, isn't it convenient the TARDIS crashed within strolling distance of the Paternoster Gang? It's not even like it materialized there. And they just happened to be standing by the steps? Who wrote this, Nigel "Coincidence" Kneale?

2:27 - No, Vastra, your logic is definitely off there. Is all that lust interfering with the deductive processes?

2:37 - Eww. Five minutes in the role and already the Twelfth Doctor's covered in bile. If that ain't a metaphoric signal from Fred than what the hell is?

2:45 - why is it that NuWho Doctors seem to need to be introduced by them stepping out of a crashed-TARDIS? Why? We know he looks like Peter Capaldi - and I doubt any sentient being watching won't know this is a new Doctor story. Is it assumed that whole counties of the audience will be going "ZOMG! That's not Matt Smith! I sure didn't see that coming!"?

2:50 - hrm. The door slamming gags from Robot. Guess that counts as Pertweeish enough, given he's doing it to a Sontaran and a Silurian, from either end of three's reign.

3:10 - colour me surprised. When they make the new Doctor Malcom "the Fucker" Tucker, I never thought I'd be shouting "SPEAK UP, YOU CALEDONIAN CUNT! I CAN'T HEAR A DAMN WORD YOU'RE SAYING!" Seriously, without the script, I'd be totally lost about these seven dwarf gags. Not that I'm missing much...

STRAX: Doctor, your appearance has changed. Have you had a haircut?
DOCTOR: It's chemo, you Sontaran shite.

3:39 - wow, Clara's hit some cones and then had some rough shagging since we last saw her. Now why couldn't we see that in some CiN special or something? Look at her pupils, man!

4:03 - Congratulations, Strax. You are no longer the embarrassing comic relief in this show.

4:27 - Aww. He may have forgotten everyone and everything, but the Doctor still remembers Handles. Sweet. Shows that a severed Cyberman helmet is the most likable and memorable companion since Donna Noble - think on that, Moff.

5:25 - unfunniest fainting scene ever. And why the Cloister Bell gong? Is that the new "ba-dum-tish!" whenever the comedy (and the main character falls flat).

5:35 - hrm. You find the TARDIS. A man comes out dressed as the Doctor and claims to recognize all of you, and also a long-term friend of Clara, who then calls him the Doctor. And yet this gang of detectives can't put two and two together and guess just who this new guy is, even though Vastra knows all about regeneration and has apparently met more than one Doctor. PINHEADS!!!

5:45 - "Well then, here we go again," sighs Vastra - very appropriate after the word-for-word remake of the first scene of The Christmas Invasion. We trashed this shit when it happened in The Next Life and I think we should trash it now.

6:34 - I know Matt Smith's in this story, but having him hog the opening credits can't be fair to Capaldi. It'll just make everyone think the Drunk Giraffe is back full time and disappoint us otherwise. And no actual title for the story? That'll piss off the nerds...

07:25 - Capaldi really isn't good at this comedy, is he? Mind you, he normally gets more to work with than "what is a bedroom for?" or "English people talk weird". I'm sad we missed all these scenes where he was apparently unconscious.

07:56 - okay... if Nigel Verkoff was going to try and seduce Vastra, the scene would be like this. "Be gentle, then." "I'll try. Brace yourself."

08:41 - are we supposed to be upset that Clara doesn't like the new guy? Seriously? He's done nothing NOT to suggest the entire regeneration process has failed spectacularly leaving him with a defective body and mind. It's like blanking a parent when they discover their kid's been crippled. "How do we fix him and change him back?" is quite an understandable response if you ask me. Vastra doesn't just come across as holier-than-thou, but an arrogant prig. She spends the whole scene mocking men, human beings and then when Clara shows the slightest similarity, she gets blanked? Fuck you, Silurian.

9:30 - again, Clara's got reason to think the regeneration's failed. Not that she's superficial; she got on better with John Hurt's Doctor than anyone else! And now she's getting heckled for human concern? See, this is why we shouldn't have the Paternoster Gang for anything other than comic relief, they're all a bunch of demented psychos with the moral highground of Tony Abbot.

10:03 - very sweet, Jenny. Can't help but notice you completely avoided answering the question, bitch.

10:40 - yes, kids, the fucking T-Rex is the best-acted and most sympathetic character in this story. Did Moffat base this on a post-it note of "things to avoid"?!

10: 56 - "Are you translating?" "No, I'm learning my lines for the next scene. What do you reckon?"

11:24 - they switched off Victorian London?! Is that just some CGI glitch?

11:45 - I know the idea was that Strax was brain-damaged by his ressurection, but come on. Even he knows that "Miss Clara" and "boy" are contradictory terms! He's not funny, he's an irritating waste of screentime, whereas in previous episodes he had something approaching a plot function.

12:03 - did Victorian Londoners really think their government was so corrupt and dodgy they'd fake a dinosaur in the Thames? And, can I just ask, where the fuck was Torchwood? Did the PG get first dibs on this region or what?

12:29 - yeah, it doesn't matter how many characters say the dinosaur looks unrealistic, it won't make the shitty CGI seem ironic. They should have used the glove puppets from Invasion of the Dinosaurs if they wanted that...

12:45 - that girly scream is clearly designed to diffuse the horror. I hope. Otherwise that murder victim really couldn't emote beyond "Donald Duck panic".

13:12 - Vastra's veil doesn't really hide her features at all. This entire argument is, therefore pointless.

14:00 - I refer Clara to the last scene of Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS. Seriously.

14:42 - Ah. Strax has been shitting under the bed again, has he?

14:56 - Okay... the new Doctor acts like a lizard and snorts chalk. It's like one of the cutaway talent acts from the MiCallef Pogram. I feel Shaun should be giving a score before insulting Francis Greenslade.

15:10 - exactly, Jenny. Vastra is a hypocritical sanctimonous bitch. Ignore whatever she says!

15:11 - so, basically, Vastra is saying that the Doctor hated and distrusted absolutely every companion from Ben and Polly onwards. That is what she is saying. And this goes against Moffat's suggestion all the post-Time War Doctors chose to be more "human" out of shame of their Time Lord aspects. And later in this ep the Doctor himself gives a different reason for turning old. This entire sequence is thus as credible as a sparacus thread as he rants about what is and isn't canon.

15:55 - Go Clara! Smack that stupid Silurian slut down! SHE KNOWS NOTHING!!!

16:18 - I'm calling it as an attempt to locate Gallifrey. That's what he's doing. I called it.

16:31 - FUCK OFF, VASTRA!

16:54 - Jenny applauds Clara for calling her wife a bigoted, moron fuckwit. Um...

17:00 - yeah, Vastra and Clara are bit puzzled too.

17:28 - during the scene change, obviously. This isn't exactly a shocking moment.

17:53 - none of this is helping prevent "Dr Who uses T-Rex for casual sex" meme, is it?

18:00 - she's dead. I mean, seriously, she might as well have put on some red T-shirts, said she was two days from retirement and she was only going to do one last mission. Dead meat.

18:34 - holy fuck. Is this directed by Garth Marenghi? Worst action sequence ever! NO JOKE! THIS IS BAD!

19:00 - I won't ask where he was hiding the sonic screwdriver.

20:13 - "What's he doing here?" That's a drink, that is.

20:18 - yes, lovely visual gag. Totally ruins the flow of the conversation, though, doesn't it?

20:54 - hmm. New Doctor finds all these Paternoster gags as time-wasting and up-itself as I am.  Pity he keeps slurring his words like he's had a stroke. Let's hope ADR kicks in.

21:30 - well, fancy that! Vastra is supposed to be cleverer than Sherlock Holmes, apparently.

22:12 - or, in other words, they are now completely superfluous to the plot from now on. Have Vastra, Jenny and Strax actually helped establish this new Doctor? They've barely spoken two words to each other (not that they ever really have with the old Doctor) and the new bloke wants nothing to do with them. Imagine if the Doctor had left in the TARDIS at the start of Robot, would UNIT really have justified their presence in that tale? Oh well, maybe things will improve now.

22:47 - see, Strax is much funnier when he is being intelligent.

23:10 - did Mark Gatiss write that joke? Or Mark Goacher?

23:10 - Clara's very good at styling her hair at a moment's notice, isn't she? And I dunno, can you actually put on those dresses and corsets single-handedly? It's not like Jenny's helping her.

23:23 - so the Paternoster Gang couldn't even do that on their own? What a bunch of losers! Is this organization what eventually becomes Operation: Delta?

23:50 - Yes, thanks for reminding us that Vastra is a serial-killing cannibal with a cellar full of people she's murdered with her bare hands, cause otherwise we might start liking her.

25:08 - Clara makes a big deal that she is not some flighty girl and the only poster on her bedroom wall was a Roman Emperor. But apparently her subconscious is full of gay porn. And everyone loves to point out she is an egomaniac. Stop telling us the audience identification character is a yaoi-obsessed hypocritical sociopath who's going to be really fat in the future, Moff. I swear, it's like you want everyone to switch off AND IT IS WORKING!

26:29 - ah yes, the new Doctor rummaging through garbage. You wait ages for a perfect metaphor...

26:50 - that's Brian Miller as the tramp. Good to know he's not typecast as "innocent world-weary paser-by dealing with psycho alien obsessed with reflections in a mirror" after playing Dugdale in Snakedance all those years ago. Oh, wait. Nah, seriously, nice to see him again in a scene where Capaldi at least could appreciate the significance of Liz Sladen's husband.

27:08 - right, insult Tom Baker as well. This is just one long list of reasons to get up and walk out of the room. You want to make fun of anything else I hold dear, Moff? Why not come to my garden and piss on the graves of my pets why don't you?

27:25 - story arc alert, Peter Capaldi's face reappears throughout history! Jeez, remember when we just accepted different characters played by the same actor and sucked it up? Would Meglos really have been better with the Doctor shouting "YOU LOOK LIKE BARBARA WRIGHT, YOU KNOW!" as the Tigellans tried to execute him?

28:25 - yeah, this is the sort of stuff we wanted from Peter Capaldi's Doctor. Bout bloody time.

29:06 - Oh good. Lucky Murray Gold had the "Glaswegians are crazy mofo" tune handy from The Name of the Doctor. Is that the new Doctor's theme? (Hey, Matt Smith's came from the bus-bitch-slap in Planet of the Dead, so you never can tell.)

29:50 - like Snakedance, the story shows the Doctor as a raving nutter not to be taken seriously. Except while on Manussa they basically ruffled Davo's hair and told him to piss off, Capaldi's much scarier and violent. He's what "stranger danger" was invented for. Moffat, are you INSANE?!? Even Twin Dilemma was a saner approach; it never said that the Doctor's normal self would be a psychokiller...

30:10 - quite right, Jenny. Less clothing. And she's a lot prettier with her hair down.

30:35 - that joke doesn't make sense. What happened to the paintbrush? And why didn't Jenny guess? Is Vastra normally into this Monty Python sight gag craziness?

30:53 - OK, Vastra's pretty much speaking for us all. If the Twelfth Doctor is Nigel, Vastra's Andrew.

31:12 - Vastra's IQ seesaws in this story. It seems she can only think clearly with a hot white girl posing in front of her. But this whole plot twist comes from Reset, so no points for originality.

31:24 - remove the "seems" from the above sentence. Oh, Clara, if only...

31:43 - it isn't fucking funny. Why would anyone think otherwise?

32:45 - Mancini's?!? That's my local pizzeria that was mysteriously and unfairly demolished! DAMMIT, MOFF, NOW I'M HUNGRY! Oh, and basically this suggests that the person who placed the add was a cheapskate rather than a deductive genius.

32:51 - OK. That was cool.

33:17 - um, the "time and date" thing is still up in the air. Does Clara go there all day every day to wait for him? She could leave a note at the front counter, couldn't she?

33:22 - Clara's snorting chalk too, now? What is this? The sniffing agenda?!

33:37 - and how did he appear in that chair without being seen? Why does Moff believe everyone has ninja-like abilities (see, oh, everything he's ever written for people magically appearing and disappearing)? On the plus side, I like the Doctor's tramp outfit better than his Pertwee gear.

34:27 - and now we're in a Coupling episode. Seriously.

35:16 - as the Seventh Doctor would say, "the delivery of that joke is awful".

35:57 - it's a good thing I like Coupling.

36:38 - I am enjoying this.

37:32 - it's more obvious than it should be, but still slightly unnerving. This is why I only had delivery of pizza from Mancini's instead of going there myself.

38:27 - genuinely getting a bit creepy now.

39:05 - yo, yo, yo. It's Graham Duff as the waiter! The main writer and co-star of Ideal who was willing to wear a replica of Colin Baker's costume while shagging Anderson from Sherlock dresses as Tom Baker. (Anderson does a good Baker impression too, it must be said). But Duff's greatest achievement, surely, is the Eighth Doctor story Faith Stealer and its ridiculous amounts of C'Rizz torture. WHICH IS CANON.

39:25 - is that a sonic pen reference? Or a chameleon reference? Have they found The Faceless Ones in a skip outside? Surely that's it!!!

39:37 - surely, that is a huge cliche? I mean... really? I remember Vault of Terror with the vampire restaurant and even that ragtag bag of unimagination avoided it!

39:44 - Oooh, nicking stuff from Rose now?

39:54 - I think of Mephisto right now. For some reason. Can't imagine why.

40:08 - wow, this is just like Spies Like Us! Only without the product placement.

40:25 - is that one of the Clockwork Soldiers from The Mind Robber?!

40:58 - and how is this any different from what Vastra does? Yet SHE is the good guy.

41:20 - he remembers Amy. Or at least her legs. And thinks of her during bondage. Down, boy.

41:38 - and we needed the "you kicked me in the balls" stuff from Revelation of the Daleks. Yes, 30 years later and it STILL ISN'T CLEVER!!!

42:26 - just because the Doctor doesn't remember The Girl in the Fireplace does not suddenly make this original, Steve.

43:17 - OK, you have to stop doing the "subtle noticing something not right" shtick. They're in an underground spaceship full of robots and steampunk. It's already clear what they're up to. Imagine if on the Asylum the Doctor had gone "Holy shit - Daleks! I wasn't expecting that!" You're insulting viewers now.

43:43 - and now we're left wondering why it couldn't be a Cyberman story instead. Seriously.

44:45 - yes. This is a sequel. We get it.

44:49 - surely the bouncy-shutter is a clear reference to The Chase. Or a shitty prop?

45:01 - yeah, that'll make people like this new Doctor. I can feel the ratings drop as children across the world say "I'm not watching that fucker any more." He's actually going through the "cruel and cowardly" list and ticking them off one by one. Jeez, this is like the DWADs are in charge!

45:18 - I'm sure Tom Cookson would have preferred this bit in Night of the Doctor.

45:54 - "This isn't a fucking pantomime, you know!" - Rik Mayall, sorely missed. And if Moff ever complains about The Horns of Nimon ever again...

46:23 - as a life-long asthmatic I've often wondered this. Let's see who cracks first.

48:09 - Holy shit... seriously, I cracked at the exact same time. Hooboy. Poor Clara. Genuinely scary moment.

48:27 - I admit I'd feel dizzy and faint, but lose consciousness and have a LSD flashback?

48:45 - Nice to know it wasn't as easy as all that. Poor Clara. I never witnessed this sort of thing first hand through all my life. Guess Australian schoolchildren are just better full stop.

49:36 - so the moral of this week's episode is to always call a bluff? For fuck's sake.

50:20 - seriously, would this work with any other monster?

50:29 - Oi, Clara! That book's not bad! Better than Warmonger, anyway.

50:54 - mustn't... take... out of... context... with gay porn...

51:58 - seriously, this whole sequence is giving Clara more personality than anything since Akhaten. It's only Jenna's awesome acting that makes you realize she's been a 2D generic companion for the last year.

51:52 - I love it when monsters show emotion. Like when Ood give you the "FFS!" or now, with not-John-Hurt's "give me strength!" It's a lovely shot. Bet it's used in trailers.

53:15 - Oh no, too late. I lost faith in you, Doctor. You don't get that back. Ever. This is freaking Orbit, man, and you're chasing Clara with a shotgun saying "Please help me, I know how they did it." You don't go backwards from here. Oh, Moff, what have you done?

53:21 - OK. Totally did not expect that. But my previous point stands.

53:28 - Moff, that's your own scriptwriting skills you're trashing, you realize this?

53:46 - Heh. I still hate you though, Doctor Who. I know you're not sorry.

54:34 - Fuck off. So bloody self-congratulatory BBC Wank. That's as bad as if they resolved a plot on The Doctor Blake Mysteries by drawing the ABC logo in the air. YOU OFFEND ME AND ALL I STAND FOR!

54:46 - and why did Vastra and Jenny think this WOULDN'T happen?

55:12 - Clara is rightly concerned that this resolution is straight of The Ben Chatham Adventures.

55:24 - was that Rhaghetti from Pirates of the Carribean??!

55:53 - OK, so there's no promised land. And no golden age. Obviously, why bother making any decent Doctor Who? It'll never meet with expectations. You see where that logic leads? Should've ended at Christmas, there, I said it.

56:13 - I'm liking this villain. He's as underwhelmed by the main characters as I am.

56:25 - Heh. I still hate the Doctor though.

56:53 - FUCK OFF, GREGSON! Christ on a bike, were all the proper policemen turned into soup at Gabriel Chase? The Keystone Cops would be better back-up.

57:27 - and the new Doctor is an alcoholic, self-described murderer who runs off to leave his friends in a lurch for no real reason. Spara must be loving this. It lacks only Adam Rickitt and David Bowie before he orgasms into a singularity.

58:48 - mein gott, I don't know what is more disgusting; the ugly, grotesque plot device or the fact Gregson is still on screen. I'm sliding towards the latter though.

59:22 - this is ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. Why would that even be written down?

59:42 - so, Reinette can take comfort that the Doctor never gave a shit about her. Well, this one doesn't. Because he is a total massive arse.

59:52 - well, that cunning plan worked as well as could be expected.

59:55 - at last, an explanation for why they're in danger. Um, I am remembering the last time they appeared they were defeated by broken glass and a goblet of wine. Not the biggest threat, are they? Hell, the sets are completely wrong for a sister-ship anyway.

1:00:08 - why am I suddenly thinking of The Goodies? In fact, this whole episode could be the Goodies - and they'd be a darn-site more useful than this Doctor or the Paternoster Gang. I bet they'd do an awesome musical number as well.

1:00:43 - you're not just going to push him out a window are you?!

1:01:15 - so, this definitely isn't the same Doctor who died on Trenzalore? Or the twelve before him? That's what you're saying, you realize? Not only is this complete and utter irrideemable bastard being unspeakably ghastly, but he's not actually a man who was once nice? There are NO redeeming features? Well, give Moff his due, there's no false advertising that this new Doctor is dark and unpleasant...

1:02:16 - just in case it wasn't obvious the Doctor's talking about himself. The Doctor actually says he's betraying his principles and murdering people. By pushing them out of a window. Why are you so systematically destroying my faith, Mr. Capaldi?

1:03:17 - woo-hoo, alien reptillian lesbian auto-erotic asphyxiation! My one weakness!

1:03:30 - dude, Capaldi has more teeth than a Xenomorph Queen! I'm half expecting a tongue to shoot out and punch through the other guy's skull...

1:04:20 - was Stax just about to kill himself?!? This shit is dark, man.

1:04:48 - WTF?!?! This is supposed to be a kid's show! That is... dude! That is... wrong! Why not have blood spurting everywhere as intestines flop out... and, yeah, the hero did that. The main character did that. And not in some "Morbius is a threat, he has to be stopped anyway we can" but "I am good at killing people and refuse to take a third choice". Seriously, strangling Peri is nothing against this.

1:04:56 - oh, fine. Look at me and break the fourth wall. I do not forgive or forget. What next, rip out Davros' heart and show it to him before it stops beating? Eye-gougue the Master for shits and giggles? What possible reason is there for me to watch you do this?

1:05:09 - heh, I like Strax's beret.

1:05:11 - oh, just in case anyone thought he wasn't a complete fuckwit, he does this. Just to drive it home. I beg he mugged some blind children on the way, the total bastard. You can compare with The Eleventh Hour all you like, but this was a complete and utter jerkass. Hearts of gold? Bullshit.

1:05:44 - so, lizard spank inferno about to commence? No?

1:06:33 - he's a total shithead, Clara, that's who he is.

1:06:50 - as Vastra doesn't know what he's done, that spectacularly bad advice is best ignored.

1:07:11 - quote The Three Doctors all you like. He's dead to me.

1:07:45 - sounds like he's going to kill you, Clara. Run for it.

1:07:56 - this is a real overreaction for an excuse to cook a turkey, don't you think?

1:08:06 - unoriginal, uninteresting and reactionary. "And you did ask what I think!" - the Fifth Doctor.

1:08:17 - another story arc. Oh noes. Too late. I no longer give a shit.

1:08:29 - I bet she writes slashy fan-fic, whoever she is.

1:08:39 - just get out of there and don't look back, Clara. He's a psycho asshole. Leave him.

1:08:50 - that's it. Just go and keep going.

1:08:55 - hah! Tenth Doctor's catchphrase wipes the smile off that gobshite's face! (Actually he looks a bit like Jim Moriarity when he has that expression...)

1:09:24 - and no one noticed the TARDIS landing in a busy shopping centre thoroughfare. Guess that perception filter is working better than it did in the first scene.

1:09:24 - "It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you."

1:09:35 - and, remind everyone all over again about the best Doctor we just lost forever. And then show him exhausted, depressed an in pain so our memories of him are tarnished forever. Oh, and establish beyond all doubt that the old Doctor hates his new self and dreads becoming him. Yeah, this really is making my day better. I really feel better for this addition to the Whoniverse. A CLUE - NO!

1:09:59 - yet still no sign of Tasha Lem.

1:10:20 - good question, Clara. I think it's because Moffat is desperate to turn me off this show.

1:11:00 - yes, destroy the last moment of happiness the Eleventh Doctor could have.

1:11:15 - of course Clara should reply "Sorry, too late, he's become some unpleasant crazy serial killer with all the social skills of a Vervoid and is completely unlikable in every way, shape and form, plus he has abandoned every moral code he once possessed in full knowledge of the consequences" then spit on Capaldi and leave for her own spin-off at Coal Hill School.

1:11:23 - I'm not afraid, I just hate the guy.

1:11:26 - no, he REALLY isn't.

1:11:46 - miss you too, Matt Smith, along with that awesome show you were in.

1:12:15 - your self-pitying whine is not charming, Dr Who. Plus you're stealing your wangst from a fucking T-Rex, that's pretty damn pathetic any way you slice it. Just walk off, Clara. He couldn't be less worth it if he was played by Dave Segal.

1:12:21 - oh, cry me a river, bitch. Fuck off my TV already.

1:12:43 - so the only reason Clara stays with the new Doctor is a mixture of guilt, pity and loyalty. She doesn't actually enjoy his company or even want to keep travelling in time and space. This is just an abusive relationship and - believe you me - this new bloke is going to abuse it.

1:12:56 - heh. How do YOU like it, dipshit?

1:13:22 - hm, Doctor wears a wedding ring now. Does he remember River Song or is it Elizabeth I?

1:13:46 - this is just copying the finale of The End of the World. Just noticed that! It was the chips!

1:14:19 - woohoo! A happy ending for the villain! Maybe.

1:14:30 - dear god, we're not supposed to find this bint pleasant company are we? It's like Servalan played by Richard Briers! (Which is definitely Michelle Gomez' strength as anyone who has seen Green Wing will be aware - remember the Squirrel head outfit?)

1:14:38 - when even the season Big Bad is calling your hero out on their obscene behavior, it's not a good sign. Yes, the new Doctor is a cold-blooded murderer. It's suitably clear.

1:15:15 - yeah, villain, I'm not too impressed either. It looks like a cutprice Grand Designs backyard. Is this some kind of Satre-esque hell dimension or what?

1:15:17 - what the fuck was that? Did she just vomit in her mouth or something?!?

1:15:27 - and now she's dancing to the theme music... okaaaaaaaay....

1:15:41 - hey, these are the end credits to Nightmare in Silver!


Well, I'm glad I saw that. It means I can get all the soul-crushing humiliation out of the way now instead of eagerly waiting the next forty days and forty nights before being disappointed then. Nope, Doctor Who is dead to me. I think I shall avoid what its zombified corpse gets up to.

How infinitely depressing.