Dr. Who & The Kleptomaniac Fish People Of Doom (2)

Thain: Look out, the Kleptons are back... yet again... run for cover!

Dr. Who: No, there's only one - I don't think he's come to fight... Though, given how you're all such helpless pussies, they might fire anyway.

Klepton: Thains - I bring a message from my leader! Surrender or we will utterly destroy your city! Oh, and how do you like the new subwoofer? Pretty sweet, eh?

Valda: Tell your leader this, Klepton: the Thains will not give in! We shall fight and we shall win! By the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!

John: That's the spirit, Valda! You'll give them something to worry about, now!

Gillian: Yeah! The Kleptons might laugh themselves to death!

(The Klepton saucer flies off.)

Dr. Who: He's off! Now's our chance to find out where they come from! I'll follow him!

Gillian: And we're coming with you, grandfather!

Dr. Who: Oh, that's quite all right. You kids stay put.

John: No, grandfather, we can help you.

Dr. Who: Now, now, listen to me. I need you to stay and... and... and guard the, um, the lettuce and all that shit.

John: The fields are fine, grandfather! We can help! We can...

Dr. Who: LOOK!! I am trying to go into town and pick up a couple of hookers with my social security check while I'm out there, OK? OK?!? THAT'S WHY YOUR BRAT ASSES AIN'T GOING, OKAY! GODDAMN!

(They follow him into the saucer.)

Dr. Who: I give up.

(Dr. Who powers up the saucer and it takes off. A creeper pulls a building down towards them.)

Dr. Who: The controls seem sluggish - I can't get any height!

Gillian: Couldn't you, I dunno, go ROUND the building?

Dr. Who: Oh. Yeah. Sorry.

Valda: Run for cover! The time travellers are doom-ed!

Thain: No way! I want to watch little John be smashed to smithereens...

(The saucer avoids the collapsing building.)

John: Why can't we just walk like everyone else, grandfather?

Dr. Who: Shut up, John. Now, I've got the hang of this flying bubble. Let's get after that Klpeton - he must be heading for their secret hideout!

Gillian: But grandfather, the Kleptons command a massive invading alien army of immensely superior firepower. Why would they need a secret hideout?

Dr. Who: ...smartarse.

(The Thains watch the saucer fly away and wave.)

Valda: Good luck, time travelers!

Thain 1: Find the Kleptons - root the monsters out!

Thain 2: Have fun storming the Klepton stronghold!

Thain 1: Our future depends on you!

Thain 2: Don't forget my cheez wiz, boy!

(Long pause.)

Thain 1: Suckers.

Thain 2: Yeah. Fuck them.

Thain 1: Let's go see what's on Cartoon Network.

Valda: My people! Everything rests on the time travelers winning through! If they are captured, nothing can stop the Kleptons smashing our city to the ground and turning us all into slaves?

Thain 1: So... an 87-year-old man and two kids show up from nowhere. And you put our fate in their hands. Why are you leader again?

Valda: Good question, I must say.

(The flying saucer moves through the sky.)

John: Lost him! There's no sign of the Klepton, grandfather! He had too big a lead!

Dr. Who: I'm not turning back now! We must find their headquarters!

Gillian: I could not be any less interested in what's happening right now.

(The saucer swoops down towards the ocean.)

John: We must be off-course, grandfather! The Klepton's hideout can't be around here!

Dr. Who: Yeah. Giant fish-creatures couldn't POSSIBLY be living underwater?

(In the Klepton palace, Kleptons do Kleptony things as is their want.)

Klepton: Mission completed, Klepton One. I delivered your message, but the Thains refuse to surrender.

Klepton Leader: Fools! They will be completely crushed!

Klepton 2: Klepton One! Come quickly! The scanner has picked up a flying machine in the area - but all our machines are now in base AND ALL OUR BASE BELONG TO US!! No... wait...

Klepton Leader: Oh, just switch on the long-range viewer. We'll soon see who these intruders are.

Klepton: It's the strangers who are helping the Thains! They must have repairs a shot-down machine they damaged with a went-boom canon and are searching for us!

Klepton Leader: They are a danger to my incredibly-well-thought-out plans! Turn on the magnetic beam! Bring them in! They must not escape, which seems to be a theme with those three, escaping...

(The saucer hurtles out of the sky.)

Dr. Who: What's happening? I can't control the machine! We're losing height! Soon my trousers won't fit! Quick, children, get on my lap!

Gillian: Oh, no, we're not falling for THAT again...

John: Grandfather, pull the machine up! We're going to smash into the sea!

Dr. Who: I can't! We're caught by some stranger power! We're in the grip of the Kleptons!

Gillian: Well, that's ONE excuse for your pathetic piloting...

(The saucer goes underwater.)

Dr. Who: We're still in one piece and we're starting to level out! I think these bubbles are meant to fly underwater...

Gillian: Can you really "fly" underwater?

Dr. Who: Maybe they're meant to "swim" through the air. Did you think about that? Huh?!?!

(The saucer approaches an underwater city.)

John: Grandfather! Look out! We're going to crash into that building!

Dr. Who: I can't stop the flying machine!

Gillian: Shouldn't we call it a swimming machine now?

Dr. Who: It's out of my control! Quickly, grandson, open the hatch and escape into the crushing ocean depths! Please!

(A hatch opens and the saucer enters the city.)

Dr. Who: We're in a huge chamber! There are dozens of other bubble machines in here!

Gillian: Thanks for telling me all this. I was confused as to our whereabouts.

(The water drains out and the trio emerge into the landing bay.)

Dr. Who: The air is a bit thin, but we can breathe it all right. We can breathe our own air, the Thain's air and the Klepton's air, but if the Kleptons breathe the Thain's air, they die... this is most confusing.

John: Never mind the details, Grandfather...

(The Doctor slaps him in the face.)

Dr. Who: NEVER INTERRUPT ME, JOHN!

John: What do we do now? The odds against us are tremendous!

Dr. Who: Well, I WAS going to tell you how, you little shit, but you don't want to hear the details! So, you just go... that way!

(John is sent to a corner. There, a door opens and three Kleptons advance.)

John: Look out! The Kleptons!

Dr. Who: Don't shoot! I am known as the Doctor! And that is my grandson, Captain Obvious.

Klepton: You are our prisoners! Don't try to escape or we'll blast you to atoms!

Dr. Who: Don't try anything, you two. These ugly customers are just itching to let fly with their guns!

Klepton: Hey, I didn't insult the way YOU look, Doctor! No need to be so personal...

(They enter the throne room.)

Klepton: Here are the prisoners, Klepton One.

Dr. Who: I demand that you release us immediately!

Klepton Leader: Silence! Demands of freedom do not work in warlike, totalitarian societies!

Dr. Who: Don't they? Shit! Can I at least work up to an appeal?

Klepton Leader: NO! You have tried to wreck my truly-intricate-and-overly-detailed plans! You will not leave my city! No one shall stand in my way!!!

Dr. Who: Well, perhaps you can tell me what you're up to so I can avoid standing in the way? Why are you smashing the Thain's City and taking their people prisoner?

Klepton Leader: The Kleptons must survive. Our planet moved close to the sun - millions were killed! We escaped to build this underwater city and soon we will control the Thains' land and they will be our slaves!

Dr. Who: You could have just asked them politely!

Klepton Leader: What? "I say, I know this will seem terribly forward, but would you all mind being our slaves? Oh, and we're going to need all your land too, if that's not too much of a bother."?

Gillian: The Thains are stupid enough to have said yes.

Klepton Leader: Hmmm. Point. See!

(The Klepton leader presses a button and a wall panel slides back to show a huge yard with a machine in the middle of it buzzing away. Thains are wandering around under guard.)

Klepton Leader: Behold the giant cookie jar of doom! The great reactor that provides power for our flying machine and heat and light for our city! When we consquer the Thains it will produce energy for our slave factories and war machines!

Gillian: And this is our problem HOW, again?

Klepton Leader: I will now detail exactly how the reactor can be dismantled!

John: You're using the captured Thains as slave labour in your reactor!

Gillian: Yes, John. That's been established.

John: You inhuman monster!

Klepton Leader: Why thank you. I take that as a great compliment. What with being inhuman and all.

Dr. Who: You won't get away with this! We won't let you get away with this! The point I am trying to make here is that you are not going to get away with this!

Klepton Leader: Don't waste empty cliches on me! What can you do stop us? The Kleptons will crush you all! Guards, take them away and lock them up! I will deal with them at my liesure! And bring me more krill!

Klepton: At one, Klepton Once.

(Dr. Who, John and Gillian are locked in a cell.)

Dr. Who: The Kleptons have outsmarted us by this cunningly-locked door! We must get out of this cell!

Gillian: How?

John: We're not beaten yet! I've got one of the heat guns the Thains gave! I'd forgotten I had it until now, but this will help us turn the tables on the Kleptons.

Dr. Who: How very convenient.

(John fries the door.)

Dr. Who: Remember, children, don't try setting fire to styrofoam walls at home!

(They emerge from the door and face two Klepton guards.)

Dr. Who: Ooops.

Klepton: Blast them down!

Gillian: I am mildly surprised at the thought of being executed.

(John punches them in the face until they collapse.)

John: Take this, you alien poopy-head jerk!

Klepton: Beaten by an old geezer and some kids! THE SHAME!

Gillian: That's dealt with that ugly customer!

Dr. Who: Is that even a sentence? Learn proper grammar, god dammit!

John: Quick! Back to the airlock! We'll get away in a flying machine!

Gillian: Swimming machine!

Dr. Who: No - much as I relish the thought of shoving you out an airlock, that's the first place the Kleptons will search for us. We must make for the reactor and contact the Thains who are held prisoner there!

(They rush out into the yard and up to the fence around the reactor.)

Dr. Who: Thains! We need your help!

Thain: Careful friend, this wire cage is electrified.

Dr. Who: Really? John, go touch it.

(John does so. Nothing happens.)

Thain: AW! Those evil Kleptons totally pwned us!

(Our heroes easily get through the very stretchy bendy net.)

Klepton: You haven't seen any of your escaping friends, have you?

Thain: Here? No, not a sign of them. You should try the airlock - they'll attempt to leave the city.

Klepton: Right.

(They shoot the Thain.)

Klepton: NO ONE LIKES A SNITCH!

(The Kleptons lumber off.)

Klepton Leader: (over PA) The workday is over, Thains! Return to your sleeping quarters immediately! Only three guards will stay in the compound - the rest will join the search for the escaped prisoners!

Klepton: (over PA) Oh, that's it, broadcast the weaknesses of our defenses to the prisoners. That'll end well.

Klepton Leader: (over PA) SHUT UP!

(The Doctor addresses the Thains as they return to their cells.)

Dr. Who: My friends, the Kleptons are making an all-out drive... to give you great savings on Fords, Chryslers and Subarus! TO KLEPTON MOTORS!

Gillian: Grandfather, have you been drinking again?

Dr. Who: Yes. I do apologize. I meant to say... the Kleptons are making an all-out drive to smash your city and enslave your people. You must go from pacificism to all out warmongery right now!

Thain: Yes! We must destroy the reactor with gives the Kleptons power!

Dr. Who: You're right, but first we must search the city and find out more about these Kleptons - it's always more satisfying to know something about a culture before you destroy it...

(The guards return to the throne room.)

Klepton: There is no sign of the escaped prisoners, Klepton One! Gimme a high five!

Klepton Leader: Dolts! No high-fives until the prisoners are recaptured! Keep up the search, you useless imbeciles!

Klepton: (sad) You know, you'd get a lot more out of us if you used constructive criticism...

Klepton Leader: Switch on the scanners! Search every corner of the city! The prisoners must be caught before they ruin all my ball-bogglingly-awesomely-cool plans!

Klepton: Yes, Klepton One! Gee, what would we do without you? Searching for prisoners we're trying to find! That's first class leadership right there!

Klepton Leader: And bring me more algae tabs!

(In the compound, John and two redshirts sneak out of the cell.)

John: I like violence. Let us shoot all three guards and make them die horribly!

Thain: Make sure your aim is true, time traveller.

John: ...what? You saying my aim LIES, bitch?

(John starts shooting randomly, killing lots of Thains and Kleptons. He laughs insanely.)

John: MY BLOOD LUST CANNOT BE SATED!

(The prisoners escape, all armed with Klepton guns.)

Dr. Who: We're armed and ready for action! Let's turn this place upside down - find out what makes the Kleptons tick!

John: Let's be be quick about it! The Kleptons will be hot on our trail soon!

Gillian: (yawns) Pity the Kleptons.

(They suddenly notice a huge bell jar full of creepers that's been right next to them the whole time.)

John: Wow! Look at that!

Gillian: What can it be?

Dr. Who: Good grief - the Kleptons are producing these giant creepers that smash their way up to the Thains' city and wreck their buildings... on the other side of the planet... even though these creepers could be used to do the work the slaves are needed for... That's the stupidest plan I have ever heard! And I've heard some really stupid plans! THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!!!

(Two Kleptons happen to be passing by.)

Klepton 3: Yeah, like I was saying, soon as old Klepton One turns his back, I'm out of here and off to Mexico. You wanna toke up?

Klepton 2: Sure thing, compadre. I could use a... Holy crap! The aliens! And they're armed!

Klepton 3: Run!

John: The Kleptons have found us!

Dr. Who: Take over and open fire! Fight for your lives!

Klepton 2: The escaped prisoners! Grab them! Blast them down!

Klepton 3: Wait. Do you want us to grab them OR blast them down? You can't do two things at once, Carl. THIS is why never get promoted past shift manager...

Dr. Who: John, quickly, while the rest of us take cover behind the creeper machine, you can stand directly in front of them and get blasted to atoms!

Gillian: Creeper... machine??! What the fuck are dealing with here?!?

(The Kleptons open fire and smash the bell-jar, causing creepers to burst out and go wild.)

Klepton: Move in for the kill now! They are heavily outnumbered!

Dr. Who: The wheel that controls the creepers! I must reach the wheel that controls the creepers! It's our only hope! If we fail, the Thains will be enslaved and their city will be smashed! You know that, right? I should probably repeat it just to be on the safe side...

(Dr. Who spins the wheel and the vines attack the Kleptons.)

Klepton 2: The creepers! Look out!

Klepton 3: We'll all be crushed to death!

Klepton 4: Why did we think it was good idea to grow this thing?

Klepton 5: *stands in silent awe of the green botanical fury*

(The obvious-stating Kleptons are slaughtered.)

John: Great work, Grandfather! You saved the day!

Dr. Who: Save the congratulations till we're safely away from this terrible place! I have one last job to do...

Gillian: (hopeful) Like dropping John and me back in our own time?

Dr. Who: ...no.

Gillian: Damn.

Dr. Who: I will use the Kleptons' own weapons to defeat them! These creepers nearly destroyed the Thains' city - now I'll make them smash the Kleptons' evil plans!

Gillian: Great, smash the underwater city while we're still inside it. Brilliant.

Dr. Who: If I do not do this, the Thains will be enslaved...

Gillian: ...and their city destroyed! WE KNOW! WE GET IT!!!

(The Klepton Leader watches this on his screens.)

Klepton Leader: My guards are routed! The prisoners have the whip hand!

Klepton: This sounds disturbingly kinky.

Klepton Leader: Blast them down - they must not escape!

Klepton: STOP SAYING THAT!!!

(The prisoners are escaping. As they do.)

John: Time is short! We must get away before the Kleptons have a chance to recover!

Gillian: But where's grandfather? John, we can't leave without him and we can't leave him here!

John: Why not? That son of a bitch let us walk out in some strange world without any kind of protection; I was put in a choke hold by a garden weed and you almost became a tropical fish's sex slave!

Gillian: ...good point. Fuck him.

(The Doctor arrives.)

John & Gillian: Damn.

Dr. Who: Make for the airlock as fast as you can! The creepers are heading for the giant reactor! There will be a terrible explosion at any moment! We must get away!

Gillian: You know, "follow me" would probably have worked just as well.

Dr. Who: Shut up.

Gillian: AND given us an extra thirty seconds to get away...

Dr. Who: SHUT UP!!

(The Klepton Leader grabs a microphone.)

Klepton Leader: The city will be destroyed
The creepers must be stopped
Call out all the guards
I want the prisoners caught
Dead or alive!

Audience Members: Your freestyle skills suck! Never ever try to rap again! Ever!

(The prisoners enter the flying saucers and pepare to leave.)

Dr. Who: Quickly, into the air lock! Climb into the flying machines! Keep breathing in and out!

Gillian: Are they really THAT stupid they need instructions on how to breathe?

Dr. Who: ...yes, Gillian, they are.

(The Kleptons appear in the closing doorway. John aims a gun at them.)

John: Back, you villains!

Dr. Who: John, don't waste your time! The door's starting to shut and no more guards can get in but as soon as the inner door closes the outer one opens and water will come flooding in - and that's good. Apparently.

John: ...I could have blasted twelve of them in the time it took to tell me that, old man!

(They get inside the saucer and take off.)

(A waterspout rises from the ocean.)

John: Jeepers! Look at that explosion! We got clear just in time!

Dr. Who: That's the end of the Kleptons and their evil plans!

Gillian: Did we just wipe out the only remnants of an intelligent species?

Dr. Who: ...why do you ask?

Gillian: No reason.

(The saucers return to the city. One lands and Dr. Who, John and Gillian emerge to find Valda waiting.)

Dr. Who: Greetings, Valda. The Kleptons have been beaten and their city destroyed.

Valda: My dear friends, how can we ever thank you? But for you, my people would have been enslaved. Now... they're almost all dead. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Gillian: This is awkward...

Dr. Who: Time to leave!

(Dr. Who hurries over to the TARDIS.)

Valda: Stay a little longer! There is much to be done and your wisdom would be valuable...

Dr. Who: Thank you, but the time has come for us to continue our journey.

Valda: But our planet will collapse into anarchy!

Dr. Who: I'm sorry, but I'm just a Time Lord - what you need is a fashion designer...

(Dr. Who and the children enter the TARDIS. Dr. Who closes the doors and starts setting controls.)

Dr. Who: Well, I suppose I'd better try to get you children back to the twentieth century...

John: I don't care what century we arrive in - I'm sure we'll have loads of adventures anyway!

(The Doctor stares at him.)

Dr. Who: ...shut the fuck up, John.

(He starts up the TARDIS again. Gillian looks out the porthole at the shimmering lights.)

Gillian: Look at the stars whirling and flashing round us, John!

John: It's because of the fantastic speed we're moving at!

Dr. Who: (under his breath) "It's because of the fantastic speed we're moving at! Meee meee mee mee meee..."

John: Did you say something, grandfather?

Dr. Who: Not a thing, dear boy. Now... where is that airlock release button? (yelps) Stand by for an emergency! The controls have jammed - the TARDIS is going to reappear too soon! We could be anywhere in space! We might even appear in my own shorts! My, but that would be strange, wouldn't it? But, most likely, we'll just appear in a quarry...

(The spinning TARDIS appears above a barren rocky planet and hurtles towards it.)

Dr. Who: We're right above a small planet! We'll crash down on it!

Gillian: And there's a meteorite rushing towards us! Look out!

Dr. Who: "Look out!" How does saying that help when we're in the path of a meteor?!

(The planet surface rushes up through the porthole.)

Dr. Who: Hold on! We'll smash into the planet at any moment now. Any moment now... wait for it... Grab hold of something sharp! Now, I will be protected by my Time Lord ability to regenerate, but you two will be killed in a vicious inferno. Bad luck.

NEXT EPISODE:

MURDERING CUTE AND HARMLESS ANIMALS

TO GET STONERS MORE WEED