A Critical Analysis of... The Ninth Doctor

Yes, John Kenneth "No... Sudden... Moves..." Muir is back for more...




Rose
What were they THINKING?!? They get that, that DEVIANT to turn this show into in-yer--face-gay-sex-a-thon?! No wonder Doctor Who is censored in so many countries, like Australia, for example, they never show it there! RTfuckingD wants to make the Doctor a gay man with a girl stalker! Any show could pull off this shit! No sane person can think this is the same show once spoken of in the same breath as Space: 1999, may its tribe increase...

The End of the Road
Yes, this is so sophisticated. Why couldn't that hack Douglas Adams achieve such greatness? And then they ruin it all by having this cold, bitter warrior Doctor trying to murder someone connected with Michael Jackson! Oh, the horror! The stigma! How vapid and backbiting society has become! The last human beings are white girls! And not only does the black chick die, she's actually a tree! RACIST FUCKS!

The Unquiet Dead
Zombies. Fucking zombies. Must have taken them, ooh, MINUTES, to think that up. Zombies and ghosts? How the hell does that work? DOES NO ONE WATCH SUPERNATURAL ANY MORE?!? Charles Dickens created Torchwood!

Aliens of London
Oh god, more of Mickey and her mother. I mean, Rose's mother. Not Mickey's mother. Mickey's mother never turns up. Odd that. Don't black people HAVE parents? RTD you racist bastard! Stupid aliens coming around here, eating our wifes and getting our livestock to pretend to be aliens! Yeah, how are we gonna preach tolerance with an attitude like that? And aliens that fart? You think Ellen Ripley became famous by fighting aliens that fart? A CLUE: SHE BLOODY WELL DID NOT!

Dalek
No Davros. Oh, wait, they mention him. Goddammit. Doesn't anyone have any original ideas any more? A TV episode based on audio based on a TV episode which isn't as good as Silence of the Lambs in the first place. Adam's more interesting than Rose. Or the Doctor. Or the Dalek come to think of it. Why doesn't Adam get his own spin-off? Just because he isn't a blond with big tits? Damn you, Buffy, you have ruined everything with your revolting internal ovaries! At least we get some hot, throbbing XXX-rated Dalek tentacle action. Oh yeah. GIGGITY!

The Long Game
Simon Pegg - worst Master ever. Albinos are evil too, are they? Oh, and look - ZOMBIES! "Rustle T Davis" what is WRONG WITH YOU?!? I bet you hate Foxtel too! How the hell can a severed head get pregnant anyway? Oh, how manly the Doctor is! How butch! I get turned on whenever he calls someone a stupid ape. I often call people stupid apes. It's true, isn't it? How come Adam and Jack both get fucked over by Satellite Five but only one of them gets a spin-off? HOW IS THAT FAIR! Adam could have been the new Adric, but no, let's get Tom Cruise with a gun up his arse! Everyone involved should be ashamed! Especially Simon Pegg!

Father's Day
Another B-Grade movie. After the Slitheen, had we not suffered enough? They should have kept Pete alive and run over Rose! Goddamn it, this "sacrifice yourself for your child" is just ageist! Sacrifice the kid! It worked for Jesus's Dad, didn't it? I mean, who the hell is interested in Jackie? This episode is set in the same universe as Bottom for Christ's sake! Are we supposed to imagine Eddie and Richie fighting off Reapers? STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD, RTD!!!

The Empty Child
Captain Jack Harness in da house! Suddenly things get DARK, mofo! When was the last time we had a bissexual trickster as a companion? Well, apart from Turlough, anyway. And the gay Doctor preeches group sex but refuses to have anything to do with Rose. Is it coz she is a chav? Nancy would be a well-better companion. More zombies. Christ... Stephen Moffit, you overrated loon. No one cares. If people shot the empty child through the head, this would have been over a lot sooner. And Susan's dead? Bullshit.

Boomtown
More Slitheen. Let joy be unconfined. This is worse than Father's Day. We can't change the past, so stop LYING THAT WE CAN!

The Bad Wolf (sic)
This story... intrigues me. Is the Doctor willing to become as vicious as a Dalek? Oh, what moral dilemmas! What enormous genocide, to wipe out a handful of people for the greater good! You never saw Peter (spit) Davidson moralizing like that, the great big wet celery stinking poof. Typical, Rose has to become a Time Lord to turn on the Doctor. This story demonstrates the dangers of STDs, with the Doctor catching aids from kissing a girl without protection and having to die. And then they use all this Hindu/Bhuddist bullshit to turn the Doctor into some Scottish metrosexual! No wonder no one likes him!

In summary... Eclestone was too good for this sinful world of camp! I HATE YOU ALL!!!