Mad Larry's Christmas Message

I won't repost the whole thing because, frankly, I think the whole internet might break with that much vile and venom. But I am grateful that Mad Larry the Pirate King can make me look like such a motivated, open-minded and optimistic bloke in comparison. So, some highlights...

ON THE DEATH OF INGRID PITT
"Trying to remember her for anything but ninja-kicking a Myrka"

FROM SEEING HALF OF A YOUTUBE CLIP OF A TRAILER FOR THE NEXT CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
"OH FOR GOD'S SAKE CAN'T THE TWAT EVEN PRETEND TO THINK OF A NEW IDEA? KILL ME NOW... "

DISCUSSING THE STORY ARC OF A SEASON HE REFUSED TO WATCH
"The sun really does shine out of Moffat's crack... "

ON "HIGHBROW" TV DRAMA
"Why should science fiction, in this modern and democractic age, simply be for people who know what 'science' or 'fiction' mean? Or who can read? Why not give yokels the same treatment as the British public?"

ON STEVEN MOFFAT
"After all, Doctor Who itself is controlled by a man who considers sci-fi to be for complete saddoes, and who hasn't read an original SF novel written in the last thirty years because he thinks it might make him look bad in front of girls."

ON JEREMY CLARKSON
"He goes on a license-fee-funded holiday to point at decaying fish in Europe's ports and pretend it's all the fault of Brussels. Then he crushes an Uzbekistani shepherd-boy's head beneath the wheels of his SUV."

ON THE SARAH JANE ADVENTURES
"It's demonstrably okay to hate everything that's not exactly like you, because anyone who tries to make friends with you is bound to be a stinking piece of extra-terrestrial garlic-munching Dago-shagging filth disguised as a human being."

ON HIS CONTINUING ABUSE OF MARK GATISS
"It's a pre-emptive strike. Somehow."

ON BRIAN COX ONCE DOING THE VOICE OF AN OOD
"No worse than digging up the corpse of Harry Worth, forcing an octopus onto his face, and dangling him in front of a reflective surface as part of a sit-com."

ON MY FAMILY
"Marginally more offensive" than the above.

ON RTD
"The hulking, tramp-like figure of Russell T. Davies as he mindlessly shambles from production company to production company. He flashes a childlike smile at passers-by on the way, and they instinctively smile back, before realising that they can't remember who he is or what he did that was any good. Ultimately, this worn-out sop of a man has to face the fact that however much he may have cared in his early years, he allowed his one true love to become a version of Merlin that's too scared to go up against X Factor. The consequences are tragic. Especially for the viewers, who are still living through them."

ON A PROPOSED REVIVAL OF DOOMWATCH
"It will speak to the now, the moment, the modern generation. With our new remake, we'll be talking about things that really affect the youth of 2010. Especially if they're a bit dirty, you know? The first episode's about breast implants, and raises the question... are these things justifiable, simply because they make women much more attractive? Or do they expand monstrously, turning girls into incredibly sexy she-demons with 56HH chests that suck the life - note, that's "life", clever metaphor there - out of the lead male characters? Plus, everyone carries mobile 'phones in this version. It says everything about the gap between the so-called establishment and today's urban, hypertext-age kids."

ON THE CLAIMS HE'S GETTING WAY TOO MUCH LIKE SPARACUS
"This show's mainly aimed at Chav-scum. And you know what they're like with spelling."

ON MICROSOFT WORD (BUT ACTUALLY ABOUT STEVEN MOFFAT... AGAIN...)
"The dour Scotsman refuses to use any software provided by Microsoft, on the grounds that "when I were a bairn, we used the Apple Mac of the Clan MacApple". In the haunting conclusion, Word comes to eat out his heart, as it does to us all."

ON KIM NEWMAN'S TV HISTORIAN DOCOS
"Completely wrong."

ON AMERICAN GAMESHOWS
"It involves a pair of prostitutes and a piece of string."

ON THE USE OF CGI
"The modern world decides to piss on Ray Harryhausen's face one last time!"

ON RICHARD HAMMOND
"No one watches his thing."

ON THE TRODS
"What better way to introduce them to the twenty-first century than their own cookery show?"

ON THE FACT THAT GARETH ROBOTS HAS USED TWO MONSTERS THAT VAGUELY RESEMBLE TV COMIC ONES WHEN IT WAS DOWN TO RTD
"He's been 'ironically' ripping off ideas from TV Comic for years, as a way of juxtaposing the optimistic future of the 1960s with a modern age in which people will swallow any old shit if it's got a CGI wasp in it. So as you can imagine, he finds this weirdly hilarious!"

ON ROBERTS HIMSELF
"Pretending that recycled comic-book arse is in some way creative, Roberts is later hailed as "the new Lichtenstein"."

ON DELIA DERBYSHIRE
"The ghost of Delia Derbyshire spits on you. (No, all right, it doesn't. Her ghost is nice.)"

ON STATING THE BLOODY OBVIOUS
"My ghost won't be nice, I'm telling you that right now."

ON MATT SMITH
"The worst one ever Doctor."

ON COLIN BAKER
"He has no soul."

ON HIS OWN EX-FANBASE
"Stop complaining!"

ON HIS ONLINE RANTS THAT ARE IMMEDIATELY DELETED OUT OF COWARDICE
"Yeah, you're right, this whole concept is clearly winding down."

HIS SERIES OF SIX APPARENT SUICIDE TWEETS
"There's a thing called light. We can measure it: it's got photons. But there's no such thing as dark. There's just no light. There's a thing called heat. There's energy, and it makes us feel better. But there's no such thing as cold. There's just no heat. There's a thing called good. No: an idea, not a thing. And I'd call it compassion. It's there, like life is there. A structure in flesh. But there's no such thing as evil. There's just no feeling.
I can't feeling anything. Except sadness, and rage, and hatred of myself.
Dear God, what *am* I?"

...

In tribute to Mad Larry's annoying pop culture ejaculations, I was going to quote the chorus of Fleetwood Mac's "Oh Well" at this point.

Don't ask me what I think of you
I might not give the answers
That you want me to.

Suffice it to say, as a manic depressive myself I have ABSOLUTELY NO SYMPATHY FOR HIM AT ALL! You're a published author, architect of a whole spin-off and regularly given opportunities to work for Big Finish and others!

YOU UNGRATEFUL, JAMMY LITTLE BASTARD!

Oh, feeling a tad depressed, so he needs to go on TWITTER?! SIX TIMES?! Pretentious, self-pitying WANK! Don't ring the Samaritans, go for a drink of do ANYTHING with your life that might actually make you feel better - and I mean that, he could have gone to a chubby-chasing whorehouse or simply watched a sunset; ANYTHING - no, he starts blathering in a badly-spelt manner of "can't feeling anything". Of course, if he let other people actually communicate with him in more depth than 140 characters at a time, he might not have sunk to such depths - but who's fault is that?

What's that, Larry? It's Steven Moffat's fault? And you're totally absolved of any responsibility of your own actions? And will I stop repeating everything you say?

Sigh. What are you, Lawrence? You're a jerk, that's what you are. And if, by chance, you read this and feel outraged... GOOD! It means you have the vaguest desire to improve yourself. And without that, you might as well be as dead as your cold, serial killer eyes.

See in the place where no shadows fall, you miserable bastard.