An evil bald Russian bastard has fled Russia and plans to escape extradition by stirring up anti-Russian feelings in the public. Hiring Andrew Beeblebrox to start this, the evil bald bastard reveals he will having Andrew murdered in secret lest he not continue working. Andrew helps start it...
[Int. A pub. Andrew and EBB are present.]
ANDREW: Consider that your favor done. I'm out.
EBB: No you're not. You're good at your job. I want you working for me full time.
ANDREW: Sorry.
EBB: I'll have a word with Stephen...
ANDREW: I don't have to do whatever Stephen says, you know.
EBB: You will do what Stephen says. And he will do what I say. That is how it will going to be. Yes. This is a country I can do business in.
ANDREW: You're not quick on the uptake, are you? This braindead confidence of yours is what got you on the run, remember.
EBB: You should learn respect, boy.
ANDREW: You should too. Maybe then you won't be worried about EXTRADITION!
[EBB looks angry.]
ANDREW: Ah-ah-ah. You can't disappear me. You need me, remember. You're utterly screwed without me, you said so yourself. Of course, I suggested someone else but you were too thick-headed to follow my own advice. You just want me around so you can do the exact opposite of what I say, don't you?
EBB: You are just nervous.
ANDREW: Not half as nervous as you should be. Are you TRYING to get caught? You want ME to work for you. I don't like you. You're an abomination. I despise you. And YOU want ME to work for you? Presumably under pain of death, so I've got even more reason to hate you. To be, perhaps, less than good at my job. Of course, you'd kill me for failure, so then I have to ask the question, what do I have to lose?
EBB: Would you like to find out?
ANDREW: I'm giving you one last chance to back out.
EBB: I reject.
ANDREW: Fine.
[Andrew drains his pint. Then smashes it over EBB's head.]
ANDREW: HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER LIKE THAT!
[He tackles EBB.]
[Ext. Pub. Andrew and the dazed EBB are being bundled into a police wagon.]
[Int. Police cell. Andrew is relaxing. A police woman enters.]
POLICE WOMAN: All right. Because you helped us track down a Russian war criminal and hand us over the authorities, we're not going to take things to a trial but you're on a good behavior bond for the next 18 months. Do you have anything to say?
ANDREW: Yeah. Lateral thinking is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
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4 comments:
Heh, for some reason I find the idea of this getting used as a pre-credit sequence for an episode that has nothing at all to do with it highly amusing.
Not that you've suggested that. Just my warped imagination at work.
Heh. Could easily replaced the rather dodgy premise of one ep I've done, Andrew's Legacy, where Nigel and Dave live a week without him...
But it was just inspired by the episode of Party Animals where the main character, a no-fist spineless dog, went all quiet and meek under the same circumstances, then fled the country.
Well, we can't all be Andrew Beeblebroxes...
Is it an unbreakable rule of the YOA universe that Andrew comes out on top? Or does that only apply to spats with Nigel?
Is it an unbreakable rule of the YOA universe that Andrew comes out on top? Or does that only apply to spats with Nigel?
With Nigel, definitely. But I've done a few stories that had Andrew suffer horribly. Complete Moral Outrage, where Dave deliberately gives him nightmares. Identity Crisis, where Katy dumps him. Not to mention what happened to his previous girlfriend. Plus the infamous last episode where he loses his job and is seemingly killed in a TNT boobytrap...
I guess Andrew brings out the idealist in me. Maybe I'll do a version of 1984 where, upon being told about a boot stepping into a face for all of eternity, Andrew giggles and asks if it leaves "NIKE" or "ADIDAS" in its wake?
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