We've taken a break in the review of Blake's 7 Redux or whatever the hell it is called because it was literally driving me to the brink to survive listenting to the episodes AND write down coherent thoughts beyond "please help me the dialogue is excruciatingly painful". But after the unsurprising abandonment of B7 Audio Adventures (actually Nyder, review them for us, be useful for once), they have returned to make a brand new series entitled B7: The Early Years.
And guess who they got to wrote it? Yes, the A-Man!
And he's decided to show how Vila and Gan first met - you know, the sort of thing that Nicola Mody did the definitive version of here - because he seems to have forgotten to fill in certain details in the finished episodes. But, and this is the real but, but instead of Fagin/Thomas Dodd from Spare Parts/whoever they got to play Vila in the audios, they've got Michael Keating! They've got Michael Keating, Vila 1.0 to play Vila 2.0.
This is like getting Adam West to appear as the lead in Batman Begins.
One can only assume that David Jackson's malingering excuse of being dead stopped them getting him to play Gan and instead stuck with Owen "Nepotism? Moi?" Aaronovitch instead. Actually, Owen's not particularly bad in the role given the similarity of voice and the fact he has little to no personality. And no, that does NOT mean I want the nickname "Cat Strangler" to turn up. In any context.
Starting off now...
And guess who they got to wrote it? Yes, the A-Man!
And he's decided to show how Vila and Gan first met - you know, the sort of thing that Nicola Mody did the definitive version of here - because he seems to have forgotten to fill in certain details in the finished episodes. But, and this is the real but, but instead of Fagin/Thomas Dodd from Spare Parts/whoever they got to play Vila in the audios, they've got Michael Keating! They've got Michael Keating, Vila 1.0 to play Vila 2.0.
This is like getting Adam West to appear as the lead in Batman Begins.
One can only assume that David Jackson's malingering excuse of being dead stopped them getting him to play Gan and instead stuck with Owen "Nepotism? Moi?" Aaronovitch instead. Actually, Owen's not particularly bad in the role given the similarity of voice and the fact he has little to no personality. And no, that does NOT mean I want the nickname "Cat Strangler" to turn up. In any context.
Starting off now...
1. Last Orders
"I miss home..." "You can't possibly miss Croydon!"
Presumably it's cut into the same five minute or less segment so it can be played on digital radio, or maybe A-Man cannot concentrate for more than that amount of time on any given subject. Certainly I was shocked to realize that the tribal drum plus voice over of the audios was much better than the BBC-issued organ-grinder version as the campest, most blocked-of-nose voiceover man minces "A Blake's 7 adventure" like he's some kind of PJ Woodhouse character spawned by the devil. God, that version of the theme is HORRIBLE! And it seems that is the ONLY version of it the BBC have!? I could get a better version off the DVD menus!! Is this some kind of full-fisted revenge from Dudley Simpson?
After the musical equivalent of a kick in the bollocks by way of greetings, we start the story proper. And it's a drunken Vila being dragged out of a pub by Gan. Well, brilliant A-Man, you've only completely missed the point of your AWFUL title! Christ, When Vila Met Gan... That's almost as bad as Horror of Glam Rock or Grand Theft Cosmos! And why is it that all the audios have Vila completely ratfaced? When the only time on TV he was seen drunk was once on a schoolies' week bender and the other time he was either lying or possessed by evil vampire sand! Frankly, Vila sounds more like Keating's character from Year of the Pig than the bloke he did on TV, WHICH RATHER DEFEATS THE PURPOSE, DOESN'T IT?
Nevertheless, Keating's comic timing has not deserted him as his rapid fire "So... we have no cash?" more than a little reminds of Bernard Black and his dimwitted barely-human milk-fed gimp assistant. Who is also quite happy to beat people up which may or may not be relevent if Gan 2.0 ever gets a limiter. Hang on a second... you're kidding me?!
Forgive me, faithful readers, but it appears that this is merely the prologue to Vila and Gan's origin story as this bit occurs during their planet leave and Vila quickly contacts the Liberator to get a shuttle to pick them up. Ben, man, what is wrong with the concept of teleports?! If alien shuttles can head to commerce planets without trouble... why didn't they just leave it there for Vila and Gan? This all is just a fog around the real problem: that Vila and Gan would be trusted off on their own. On a bender. I've heard enough of this series to know that when it comes to loyalty and trustworthiness, the TV series was like the Brady Bunch compared to these backstabbing idiots!
However, all the shuttles are being used by the others for an unspecified reason and so Vila gets the vaguely-offensive Zen impersonator answering machine who is three times less helpful than the average BPay service. So Vila and Gan are left wandering around bitching at the complete lack of teleport facilities, with Vila having a vision of being able to flick a switch and teleport to a planet with his own karioke version of Dudley Simpsons' 'budababudababump!' which Gan is not sure should be part of an official materialization process.
Very clever, A-Man, trying to critique the shit you've made of this series before I can, but who exactly is supposed to be laughing at two VERY unconvincing drunks taking the piss out of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop? Not the new fans, that's for sure. And with our main characters left with nothing to do but ransack vending machines that "don't need money" (eh?), it's time for a flashback!
2. The Contract
"Well, I couldn't help noticing, even when you grabbed me by the throat and threw me into the service lift and dragged me out here, that, satorially, you lacked a certain... something."
Our story begins as all decent stories do one thousand metres above the Thames where Vila and Gan are admiring the South Coast in the exact same way post-nuclear-holocaust civilizations inside metal survival domes don't. Vila is showing off the sort of encyclopedic knowledge we all know and love him for (warning: sarcasm, as he perpetrates urban legends as historical fact on countless occasions on TV), explaining that 23rd Century Britain is made up of those wierd futuristic skyscrapers always being prophesized by 1970s Doctor Who annuals, "racked up like dinner plates in a washing up rack". So we've mastered nanotechnology, anti gravity architecture... but NOT wasting water on washing up? Progress my ass. And now Vila is a Beta Grade rather than a Delta, is he? Well, why SHOULD a huge part of his character history be kept along with the original actor, anyway?
After explaining all this in the most condescending and expositional manner outside Big Finish's stage play adaptations, Vila reveals he is in fact a fervant revolutionary stealing from the rich to give to the poor as part of helping the Common Man throw off their shackles! But it turns out with one of those tricks you can only really do on audio that Vila's little Hitchhiker's-style summary of 23rd century living is because he's been snatched by a thug and dangled over a balcony. The thug being Gan, who works for a local fat cat unhappy at his pocket being picked by Vila. Who of course is as blaze at dangling over oblivion as Ace Rimmer having a three way. And thus not ONLY completely unlike the TV version, but also the audio version at once!
A-Man, do you have some kind of short term memory problem or something?
Anyway, Gan doesn't throw Vila to his death because he was only trying to scare the little thief who rather unconvincingly insists that Gan succeeded. The end. Guh, what now?!
3. The Epsilon
"Can you do anything else? Breathe methane? Electrocute people with your bare hands? Fly?"
After a mere ten long seconds of mechanical sound effects, Vila pleasantly invites Gan into his dingy and miserable hovel, the whole "by the ass crack of the infinite you bastard you just tried to kill me" business completely forgotten. Over a couple of cans of "Spanker" (...?), Gan quizzes Vila over his opinions of the Myer family, an Alpha clan elsewhere in this apartment block who run a corner shop. Vila dismisses them due to their upbringing, wealth, lack of decent locks, lack of decent goods to nick, before starting to lust after the "pnuematic" young daughter who, in his words, resembles a blow-up doll.
This leads quite unevenly into Gan who has fallen completely in love with Lola (for that is her name), as they exchanged a smile while the latter was "kicking about". But nothing else. At all. Vila is not exactly impressed at Gan's psychotic belief that a friendly smile means "a CONNECTION!!!" (as young Olag continues to scream), or Gan's desire to marry her, and somehow thinks Vila can help. This kind of obsession is actually a bit creepy, since I can't think of a Nigel Verkoff relationship as comparably awful. And he wants to bang his own sister.
Oddly enough, Vila is more concerned that the class divide is what will keep Gan from his beloved stalkee - as she is an Alpha Grade and he is an Epsilon. Now, as far as I can work out, the scale is:
Alpha Plus - government and effective royalty
Alpha - Upper Class, Private Schools
Beta - Middle Class, Ordinaries
Delta - Working Class, the peasants
Gamma - worthless bums often sold as slaves with nothing
So, Epsilon makes Gan somewhere below Mutoid and live stock level. And as Vila notes, they don't actually HAVE Epsilon Grades on Earth. Over to you to explain that one, A-Man. Oh wait, Gan is in fact a genetic experiment hence his huge hulking physique (and doesn't the bloke on the cover look just like one?), but no other cool superpowers. Amazing. Terry Nation just had him a human adapted to life on another planet, but no, Gan has to be a GELF! Obviously brain chips controlling violence would be a tad too much like Buffy.
Since he knows that Lola Myer's family will wiki-search him right away and discover his ghastly social status, Gan has come to Vila to help change his wiki entry. Vila insists that only a "top flight hacker" could do it (odd how such terminology has dated worse than the original "computer genius", eh?) and he just happens to know one called Kerr Avon. Whoops, sorry, we're supposed to be cryptic on that point. But Vila knows that his... er... contact will not be cheap and Gan wants Vila to help him get some cash together, since otherwise he'll throw Vila off the freaking building. A-Man, what really was wrong with the original Gentle Giant, huh?
4. The Deal
"Possessions are burdon upon the soul. We're doing them a favor."
Gan and Vila head up to Alpha territory as Vila gives another anti-aristo rant about the cleanliness of the upper class and we learn that Paradise Towers style cleaning robots tidy the skyscrapers. Rather than using that nanotechnology to just make the surfaces dirt-repelling (another Terry Nation idea abandoned by the A-Man). In either case, why do the robots only tidy the Alpha levels? Are they personalized to the families or something? Don't they fit into the lifts?! Bollocks! Utter bollocks!
Further sweaty, plum-sized testicles can be found in Vila's nifty Orac device which he happens to have. Although every home is protected by a firewall installed by insurance companies (no, I'm not making this up), Vila's gadget can, if taken directly outside the home, interface with light fittings and from there with everything else in the home that ALSO has a computer chip. I'm left wondering if it would be more efficient to work out how the hell Vila's come across the most powerful technology interface ever, or else try and work out exactly WHAT Vila and Gan are doing wandering around posh suburbia in the middle of the night being as suspicious as possible. It's a good thing this Federation doesn't have mobile phones or security cameras, eh?
Vila is itemising all the potential stolen goods to hand, intending to steal the antiques as they're the most valuable things people tend to have (um... yes, but they're also the easiest to trace, aren't they?). Gan, meanwhile, has forgotten all about his sick desire for Lola and is coming across as all moral to the professional thief he has hired for the express purpose of BEING AN AMORAL PROFESSIONAL THIEF!!
The plot then stops as they notice a poster saying Vote Saxon. Sorry, Vote Blake. "Don't you ever upload a news feed?" demands Gan in another bit of realistic dialogue. Why the hell is Blake putting up posters - in Alphaville no less - when he relies on the internet so much? Why is Blake so popular when, according to Vila, every political party promises the same freedom and valuables? Why is the corrupt Federation holding elections anyway?!? And why is the professional thief so gobsmacked by a poster he forgets what they're up to?! At least his dismissal of Blake as a creepy nutter shows Vila hasn't lost his ability to judge character.
However, what with Gan the incredible hulk and Vila loitering around a part of the tower they're not welcome and shouting angrilly about the corruption of the government, they've attracted the attention of Nancy the Knife, one of Gan's fellow hired goons. And, as any normal person would do, they stand around discussing at length her tendency to rip off testicles and microwave human brains. Rather than, say, legging it pronto. Having finally twigged that his fat cat boss might be annoyed at his moonlighting with a creditor, Gan goes to speak with Mr. Rickitt who might actually get a speaking part in this heavy-handed two-hander.
Oh no, false alarm. The next day, Vila is getting wasted on Soma from the planet Courageous in a roof-top garden in the sort of subtle rendezvous that all professional criminals arrange. Gan reveals his boss will allow them to try to risk their necks robbing places on the condition they copy all the harddrives on the houses they are nicking from. For some reason. Vila takes this on the chin and, continuing this Chathamesque work ethic, decides that instead of doing all the nicking and stuff, they should instead steal some smart gear and gatecrash a disco that so-obviously-not-a-transvestite Lola might be visiting!
...remind me why I downloaded this.
5. The Romantic
Well, it wasn't for this! The day after the disco, the very hungover Vila is idly throwing up when Gan pops in and reveals he wooed Lola by... dangling her over the edge of the balcony in the exact same way he did with Vila in the second episode. And she liked it.
That's it. The whole episode only lasts a minute, including the twenty-two seconds of opening doors, drinking cans of beer, vomitting and flushing lavatories. Gimme strength.
6. The Break-In
"You see? This is what happens when you don't leave crime to the professionals!"
Gan and the still-hungover Vila decide to go ahead with the robbery like the professionals they are - they made a list and Gan checked it twice! But Ben ADHDronovitch has forgotten that Gan was completely disinterested in his employer's desire for the computers of their victims, as here that burning question is foremost in his mind! Unfortunately, Vila is too busy laying ground rules for burglary (he really should have done this before they broke into private property) to notice the distinctive sound of police sirens, unchanged for over three hundred years. Grrr.
The sirens fade long enough for Gan to note, "That was unsettling!" before what seems to be a homage to Reckless Kelly has every squad car in the land turn up. Exactly how they surround a doorway INSIDE an apartment block over 1000 metres off the ground is one of those funky details you can't expect an experienced TV, radio and novel author like the A-Man to sort out can, you? That's just not fair! Especially as we only know are told that the entire armed forces have not come for Vila and Gan, but instead two doors down where explosions and gunfire can be heard from the Myer's window front showroom! Gan instantly runs off to find his beloved... though considering this is a girl who gets kicks out of near-death experiences, she's probably the one using all the guns and explosives in the first place!
Scenes then occur which would require more than two actors, so let's rejoin the story when Paradise Towers is being evacuated and Vila is overlooking his famed survival instinct by looting all the deserted apartments armed only with a cricket bat. Sweet Onion Chutney, yes. A cricket bat. Not only must we stomach a world that should have forgotten what PENCILS are still has cricket, but that a non-aggressive pacifist like Vila would wield one in the first place. I mean, if said cricket bat was one of the antiques he was nicking, it could be coped with but... anyway, he instantly bumps into Gan. Gan reveals he got the Myers family out of danger and "down to the train station" which is a thousand metres below, so even with a lift that would have taken a lot longer than you'd think. Unless the train stations are above street level. In any case, Vila isn't the only looter and mobs of non-speaking hoodlums are ravaging the Myer shopfront windows! It's the kind of anarchistic breakdown of society that shatters Gan's soul to the core... presumably that's why he didn't escape with Lola and her family and make a good impression on her family.
Vila reveals that the government have locked down London and declared this looting 'an unacceptable breakdown of law and order'. Exactly how Vila the ignorant and hungover recluse found this out is unknown, but Gan explains that this overreaction is the government diverting attention from the fact Blake won the election. When did that happen? While Vila was asleep that morning? How the hell did the Federation let Blake win when they can control everything? Hell, they can control the elections on OTHER PLANETS! And riots... aren't they doping the water supply with suppressents? Aren't the people supposed to be brainwashed?! Why the hell did no one mention Blake winning the election in Rebel? According to that they got to him before he won, brainwashed him and got him to pull out of the race! I mean... GAHHH!
But the Federation have instead decided to end the whole democracy idea and remove all voting rights from the entire populace. Subtle, huh? They've only managed to piss off the entire populace and triggered a 28-Days-Later collapse of society - what the hell were they worried Blake was going to do instead? And did you notice we've gone from 'minor looting blown out of proportion by the state' to 'worldwide chaos' in less than twelve seconds? Cause we have? Benji, is there some sort of medication you should be taking?
Returning to the Chatham vibes, Vila and Gan decide to head back to Vila's dirty bachelor pad to get drunk - since all the pubs will already be being looted.
7. The Plan
"If Mr. Rickitt doesn't want it stolen, then that's what I want to steal!"
Much time has passed and society continues to crumble at the same rate as the plot. Vila is nicking other people's emergency supplies to feed him and Gan as they hide in his room like some demented offspring of Black Books and Threads. Over a couple of self-heating cans of Curried Goat (....????), Vila and Gan discuss how monumentally fucked they are. Even if law and order are restored, they will soon be killed by the underworld for not carrying out the burglaries and paying off their debts - especially now all the Alphas have fled and now cannot be robbed since all their stuff was looted anyway. Vila suggests they rob Rickitt before he can send the hitmen around (and... what? Sell him his own stuff and hope he doesn't notice??!), by heading to the floor above his apartment and lowering themselves into his pad.
Since Gan is freakishly huge and strong and Vila slight and petite, they can get around the motion sensors and power source detectors by Vila being lowered in and out via a bungee cord, a cunning plan that Master Restal worked out while Gan was dangling him upside down earlier on in what we shall hereby refer to as the plot. Gan is not convinced as Vila doesn't NEED to be put into this quite life-threatening position, and yet is doing so. I quite agree, but Vila's been so out of character in this adventure I barely noticed this "strange" behavior.
"OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!" wails Vila as he begins this death-defying Mission: Impossible sort of stunt as he wanders around the place bragging that he started his career of professional theft thirty years ago, the day he was big enough to pick up a crowbar (Vila's incredibly violent, remember? No, nor did I), and now considers himself the best thief in London, perhaps even Europe! So, he's quite humble compared to Vila 1.0, isn't he? Alas, this pomposity allows Vila to trip off some military hardware, so he steals Rickitt's safe of uncertain content (probably fan letters from Mark Goacher) and is hauled to safety before a firestorm can happen.
Yay.
8. The List
"Maybe we should stop thieving and put our skills to better use? Maybe we should take a stand against the tide of corruption that's overwhelming the Federation? We could be like the masked vigilantes from ancient literature, fighting injustice forever... hahah, had you going, didn't I?"
Vila and Gan open the safe with our lockpick's usual stealth... by drilling it open. Inside, they find no cash, just bits of paper (so I was right! Sparacus' secret love notes! I knew it!) and a list of people who have oh-so-conveniently perished in the riots earlier in the story. Unimpressed Vila instantly identifies it as a Death List and idly looks for anyone on the list they know personally, while Gan comes up with the revolutionary ferver quoted above. I didn't realize he was joking at first since this cretinous and cliched emo rants are identical to every single other one I've heard in these audios. Parody requires exaggeration, remember, A-Man?
But Gan does have a new plan, that he and Vila head off to Wolthamstow, Mice and Men style, to start a new life with some sheep. There they can enjoy the pubs, rob the rich and woo the still-definitely-a-woman-no-doubt-about-it Lola. So, I guess civilization HASN'T ended then? Or has it as Gan bemoans the pointlessness of stealing money with nothing to spend on? I'm confused.
Seriously, this IS the same Ben Aaronovitch who wrote Rememberance of the Daleks, right? He hasn't had a sinister brain swap operation with Chris Chibnall has he? Cause, seriously, that would explain a lot.
9. Revelation
"I need a drink."
With the flashback over we return to the drunken Vila and Gan loitering in a bus terminal coming up with ridiculous schemes to steal spaceships on the grounds that since no one expects anyone to try and hotwire a space shuttle, it will ergo not have the safeguards that cars have. Amazingly enough, they succeed, but they have stolen the shittiest planet hopper known to science fiction which doesn't seem to understand what 'escape velocity' means. Are we aiming for Gan throwing Vila out an airlock?
Desperately, they ring up Zen to save their sorry asses, but our Main Computer is sick of them ringing him up every five minutes asking for help and tells them they can kiss their arses goodbye as they have a minute before they burn up in the atmosphere. Now, actually, I was expecting him to teleport the winos out of danger to go with the odd title (mind you, most titles in this farrago have been pointless) and because of Vila's gibbering in episode one about teleports. But no, that'd be way too logical...
Oh.
Wait.
That's what they did. With a "funky" new remix of the teleport music.
OK, A-Man, explain why Zen didn't do that earlier? And how he managed it without bracelets? And how does this fit in with Rebel and the others since AFAICR, they don't have teleport before the series ends? Mind you, explaining why Vila looks, sounds and acts completely different is probably not going to be explained either. And of course they decide not to tell Blake and the others about their new ability because, well, it's far too much bother and they might get in trouble.
The End. Cue that bloody awful music.
In conclusion, When Vila Met Gan is not as bad as I feared. It's certainly easier on the ears than Rebel. The only real failing on the acting front is that Keating simply doesn't convince as in the countless drunk scenes where he is called on to talk with a slur. The ones where he is completely pissed and filled with Dutch Genius, or else achingly sober are great. Owen's Gan isn't bad at all. As the B7 Audio equivalent of Whitnail and I, this isn't a bad little story, except it keeps flipping between The Way Back and Gambit with no rhyme or reason.
Of course, ideally I'd want to say "as long as you forget the TV series, this is great", but it fails on that front too. The plot is full of inconsistencies as civilization dies and revives between scenes, and it's painfully obvious at the lack of budget. What the hell was the point of the flashback as it does nothing to explain how Vila and Gan got arrested, or what happened to Lola, and crucially misses the scene where they first meet anyway! It not only fails to tie into the audio series, it completely contradicts it - and not such because of the casting. The scenes with them on a bender are amusing, admittedly, but the whole teleport angle is stupid, self-aware and defies belief, almost as much as the cheapness of the whole thing.
Just WHAT was the point of this?
WHAT THOSE OTHER LISTENERS THOUGHT
Miles Reid: To be honest, the only thing good about it is Michael Keating as Vila. But unfortunately, it takes every possible oppotunity to tell you that this is actually set in B7 Audioland and not TV Series land. So, are B7 productions going to be continuing their terrible B7 Adventures?
Jackie Emery: I didn’t like the use of contemporary place names. I accept that this version isn’t set in the Domed City of the original series, but using those names made my mind picture those places as they are today. There were also anachronistic references to present-day technology – one that especially jarred was ‘mobile’: this communication device will probably be out-dated within the next ten years, let alone two hundred! Similarly, the sound effects of police sirens, one has only to watch cop shows from the 1960s and 70s to hear how much they’ve changed in only a few decades, so it’s most unlikely they’ll sound the same centuries from now.
Horizon Fan Club Official Statement: Was it worth the wait? Yes, always, because it's Blake's 7... it can never fail to please. B7 Media: if it aint broke, why fix it, eh?
(WhatEVAH.)
Spike Ombre: I got a very strong feeling that the characterisation was deliberately sacrificed in order to make a more satisfying double-act, and when characterisation is such a fundamentally important part of B7, this is a very dangerous thing to mess with. It was Michael Keating's voice, but another character's words.
Apparatchik: I am glad to see Michael Keating doing Vila again but after the fiasco of the audios, in my view, I cannot trust B7 media. Maybe the next one will be: "When Cally met the Tharrn". We could see Cally and the garden gnome make a new life together, sort of like "The Good Life" with Jan Chappell doing Felicity Kendal. Do we really need B7 Productions? I ask you.
Stormgiest: It's pretty lame stuff. Inoffensive and not without a certain charm - most of which comes from the joy of hearing Michael Keating back in his career-defining role - it's handicapped all the way through byBen Aaronovitch's script shows off his usual penchant for overcooking the dialogue, and his sorry knack for missing the point of his own work. Sure, he gives us the would-be first meeting of Gan and Vila, but he offers almost no insight into why they became friends, bar an underdeveloped suggestion that Vila is touched by Gan's clear love for Lola. Why Vila should be touched by this, why he should even give a flying toss about this, is not looked at. Owen Aaronovitch, it almost goes without saying, is a plank as Gan, which is therefore something of an improvement on some of his previous performances. It is good to hear Keating back in the role, and for sure his portrayal of Vila continues to piss over Harris' from orbit.
Theseafarer: 'We can be like the masked vigilantes in ancient literature fighting injustice wherever.' You can write this shit, Ben, but you sure can't say it...
21st Century Anorak: I guess I'll get this one day, but I've got better things to spend my money on right now. Like beer. This tat really just lasts for 39 minutes? Wait... this crap I'm listening to contains all of the extras? How come the site says its 50 minutes? Sweet baby Jesus, this sucks the big one.
Nicola Mody: I am somewhat nervous about listening to the CD. I've heard it is not just rather crap and that Gan is from Croydon (these two facts possibly connected) but it's not from the B7 universe at all, but the alternate B7E one set 200 years in the future but with contemporary helicopters and police cars. Yes, the same one that will be in the miniseries. Still, it's Michael Keating, so it can't be all bad. Can it?
Michael Jackson: Why am I a criminal for dangling people over balconies when Gan is shown as a romantic fool? You're all ignorant!
Someone Who Hasn't Heard It: So long as they're consistent and don't contradict either themselves or the series canon, that wouldn't worry me. I'll probably give it a miss anyway; there's enough fanfic around here...
2. The Contract
"Well, I couldn't help noticing, even when you grabbed me by the throat and threw me into the service lift and dragged me out here, that, satorially, you lacked a certain... something."
Our story begins as all decent stories do one thousand metres above the Thames where Vila and Gan are admiring the South Coast in the exact same way post-nuclear-holocaust civilizations inside metal survival domes don't. Vila is showing off the sort of encyclopedic knowledge we all know and love him for (warning: sarcasm, as he perpetrates urban legends as historical fact on countless occasions on TV), explaining that 23rd Century Britain is made up of those wierd futuristic skyscrapers always being prophesized by 1970s Doctor Who annuals, "racked up like dinner plates in a washing up rack". So we've mastered nanotechnology, anti gravity architecture... but NOT wasting water on washing up? Progress my ass. And now Vila is a Beta Grade rather than a Delta, is he? Well, why SHOULD a huge part of his character history be kept along with the original actor, anyway?
After explaining all this in the most condescending and expositional manner outside Big Finish's stage play adaptations, Vila reveals he is in fact a fervant revolutionary stealing from the rich to give to the poor as part of helping the Common Man throw off their shackles! But it turns out with one of those tricks you can only really do on audio that Vila's little Hitchhiker's-style summary of 23rd century living is because he's been snatched by a thug and dangled over a balcony. The thug being Gan, who works for a local fat cat unhappy at his pocket being picked by Vila. Who of course is as blaze at dangling over oblivion as Ace Rimmer having a three way. And thus not ONLY completely unlike the TV version, but also the audio version at once!
A-Man, do you have some kind of short term memory problem or something?
Anyway, Gan doesn't throw Vila to his death because he was only trying to scare the little thief who rather unconvincingly insists that Gan succeeded. The end. Guh, what now?!
3. The Epsilon
"Can you do anything else? Breathe methane? Electrocute people with your bare hands? Fly?"
After a mere ten long seconds of mechanical sound effects, Vila pleasantly invites Gan into his dingy and miserable hovel, the whole "by the ass crack of the infinite you bastard you just tried to kill me" business completely forgotten. Over a couple of cans of "Spanker" (...?), Gan quizzes Vila over his opinions of the Myer family, an Alpha clan elsewhere in this apartment block who run a corner shop. Vila dismisses them due to their upbringing, wealth, lack of decent locks, lack of decent goods to nick, before starting to lust after the "pnuematic" young daughter who, in his words, resembles a blow-up doll.
This leads quite unevenly into Gan who has fallen completely in love with Lola (for that is her name), as they exchanged a smile while the latter was "kicking about". But nothing else. At all. Vila is not exactly impressed at Gan's psychotic belief that a friendly smile means "a CONNECTION!!!" (as young Olag continues to scream), or Gan's desire to marry her, and somehow thinks Vila can help. This kind of obsession is actually a bit creepy, since I can't think of a Nigel Verkoff relationship as comparably awful. And he wants to bang his own sister.
Oddly enough, Vila is more concerned that the class divide is what will keep Gan from his beloved stalkee - as she is an Alpha Grade and he is an Epsilon. Now, as far as I can work out, the scale is:
Alpha Plus - government and effective royalty
Alpha - Upper Class, Private Schools
Beta - Middle Class, Ordinaries
Delta - Working Class, the peasants
Gamma - worthless bums often sold as slaves with nothing
So, Epsilon makes Gan somewhere below Mutoid and live stock level. And as Vila notes, they don't actually HAVE Epsilon Grades on Earth. Over to you to explain that one, A-Man. Oh wait, Gan is in fact a genetic experiment hence his huge hulking physique (and doesn't the bloke on the cover look just like one?), but no other cool superpowers. Amazing. Terry Nation just had him a human adapted to life on another planet, but no, Gan has to be a GELF! Obviously brain chips controlling violence would be a tad too much like Buffy.
Since he knows that Lola Myer's family will wiki-search him right away and discover his ghastly social status, Gan has come to Vila to help change his wiki entry. Vila insists that only a "top flight hacker" could do it (odd how such terminology has dated worse than the original "computer genius", eh?) and he just happens to know one called Kerr Avon. Whoops, sorry, we're supposed to be cryptic on that point. But Vila knows that his... er... contact will not be cheap and Gan wants Vila to help him get some cash together, since otherwise he'll throw Vila off the freaking building. A-Man, what really was wrong with the original Gentle Giant, huh?
4. The Deal
"Possessions are burdon upon the soul. We're doing them a favor."
Gan and Vila head up to Alpha territory as Vila gives another anti-aristo rant about the cleanliness of the upper class and we learn that Paradise Towers style cleaning robots tidy the skyscrapers. Rather than using that nanotechnology to just make the surfaces dirt-repelling (another Terry Nation idea abandoned by the A-Man). In either case, why do the robots only tidy the Alpha levels? Are they personalized to the families or something? Don't they fit into the lifts?! Bollocks! Utter bollocks!
Further sweaty, plum-sized testicles can be found in Vila's nifty Orac device which he happens to have. Although every home is protected by a firewall installed by insurance companies (no, I'm not making this up), Vila's gadget can, if taken directly outside the home, interface with light fittings and from there with everything else in the home that ALSO has a computer chip. I'm left wondering if it would be more efficient to work out how the hell Vila's come across the most powerful technology interface ever, or else try and work out exactly WHAT Vila and Gan are doing wandering around posh suburbia in the middle of the night being as suspicious as possible. It's a good thing this Federation doesn't have mobile phones or security cameras, eh?
Vila is itemising all the potential stolen goods to hand, intending to steal the antiques as they're the most valuable things people tend to have (um... yes, but they're also the easiest to trace, aren't they?). Gan, meanwhile, has forgotten all about his sick desire for Lola and is coming across as all moral to the professional thief he has hired for the express purpose of BEING AN AMORAL PROFESSIONAL THIEF!!
The plot then stops as they notice a poster saying Vote Saxon. Sorry, Vote Blake. "Don't you ever upload a news feed?" demands Gan in another bit of realistic dialogue. Why the hell is Blake putting up posters - in Alphaville no less - when he relies on the internet so much? Why is Blake so popular when, according to Vila, every political party promises the same freedom and valuables? Why is the corrupt Federation holding elections anyway?!? And why is the professional thief so gobsmacked by a poster he forgets what they're up to?! At least his dismissal of Blake as a creepy nutter shows Vila hasn't lost his ability to judge character.
However, what with Gan the incredible hulk and Vila loitering around a part of the tower they're not welcome and shouting angrilly about the corruption of the government, they've attracted the attention of Nancy the Knife, one of Gan's fellow hired goons. And, as any normal person would do, they stand around discussing at length her tendency to rip off testicles and microwave human brains. Rather than, say, legging it pronto. Having finally twigged that his fat cat boss might be annoyed at his moonlighting with a creditor, Gan goes to speak with Mr. Rickitt who might actually get a speaking part in this heavy-handed two-hander.
Oh no, false alarm. The next day, Vila is getting wasted on Soma from the planet Courageous in a roof-top garden in the sort of subtle rendezvous that all professional criminals arrange. Gan reveals his boss will allow them to try to risk their necks robbing places on the condition they copy all the harddrives on the houses they are nicking from. For some reason. Vila takes this on the chin and, continuing this Chathamesque work ethic, decides that instead of doing all the nicking and stuff, they should instead steal some smart gear and gatecrash a disco that so-obviously-not-a-transvestite Lola might be visiting!
...remind me why I downloaded this.
5. The Romantic
Well, it wasn't for this! The day after the disco, the very hungover Vila is idly throwing up when Gan pops in and reveals he wooed Lola by... dangling her over the edge of the balcony in the exact same way he did with Vila in the second episode. And she liked it.
That's it. The whole episode only lasts a minute, including the twenty-two seconds of opening doors, drinking cans of beer, vomitting and flushing lavatories. Gimme strength.
6. The Break-In
"You see? This is what happens when you don't leave crime to the professionals!"
Gan and the still-hungover Vila decide to go ahead with the robbery like the professionals they are - they made a list and Gan checked it twice! But Ben ADHDronovitch has forgotten that Gan was completely disinterested in his employer's desire for the computers of their victims, as here that burning question is foremost in his mind! Unfortunately, Vila is too busy laying ground rules for burglary (he really should have done this before they broke into private property) to notice the distinctive sound of police sirens, unchanged for over three hundred years. Grrr.
The sirens fade long enough for Gan to note, "That was unsettling!" before what seems to be a homage to Reckless Kelly has every squad car in the land turn up. Exactly how they surround a doorway INSIDE an apartment block over 1000 metres off the ground is one of those funky details you can't expect an experienced TV, radio and novel author like the A-Man to sort out can, you? That's just not fair! Especially as we only know are told that the entire armed forces have not come for Vila and Gan, but instead two doors down where explosions and gunfire can be heard from the Myer's window front showroom! Gan instantly runs off to find his beloved... though considering this is a girl who gets kicks out of near-death experiences, she's probably the one using all the guns and explosives in the first place!
Scenes then occur which would require more than two actors, so let's rejoin the story when Paradise Towers is being evacuated and Vila is overlooking his famed survival instinct by looting all the deserted apartments armed only with a cricket bat. Sweet Onion Chutney, yes. A cricket bat. Not only must we stomach a world that should have forgotten what PENCILS are still has cricket, but that a non-aggressive pacifist like Vila would wield one in the first place. I mean, if said cricket bat was one of the antiques he was nicking, it could be coped with but... anyway, he instantly bumps into Gan. Gan reveals he got the Myers family out of danger and "down to the train station" which is a thousand metres below, so even with a lift that would have taken a lot longer than you'd think. Unless the train stations are above street level. In any case, Vila isn't the only looter and mobs of non-speaking hoodlums are ravaging the Myer shopfront windows! It's the kind of anarchistic breakdown of society that shatters Gan's soul to the core... presumably that's why he didn't escape with Lola and her family and make a good impression on her family.
Vila reveals that the government have locked down London and declared this looting 'an unacceptable breakdown of law and order'. Exactly how Vila the ignorant and hungover recluse found this out is unknown, but Gan explains that this overreaction is the government diverting attention from the fact Blake won the election. When did that happen? While Vila was asleep that morning? How the hell did the Federation let Blake win when they can control everything? Hell, they can control the elections on OTHER PLANETS! And riots... aren't they doping the water supply with suppressents? Aren't the people supposed to be brainwashed?! Why the hell did no one mention Blake winning the election in Rebel? According to that they got to him before he won, brainwashed him and got him to pull out of the race! I mean... GAHHH!
But the Federation have instead decided to end the whole democracy idea and remove all voting rights from the entire populace. Subtle, huh? They've only managed to piss off the entire populace and triggered a 28-Days-Later collapse of society - what the hell were they worried Blake was going to do instead? And did you notice we've gone from 'minor looting blown out of proportion by the state' to 'worldwide chaos' in less than twelve seconds? Cause we have? Benji, is there some sort of medication you should be taking?
Returning to the Chatham vibes, Vila and Gan decide to head back to Vila's dirty bachelor pad to get drunk - since all the pubs will already be being looted.
7. The Plan
"If Mr. Rickitt doesn't want it stolen, then that's what I want to steal!"
Much time has passed and society continues to crumble at the same rate as the plot. Vila is nicking other people's emergency supplies to feed him and Gan as they hide in his room like some demented offspring of Black Books and Threads. Over a couple of self-heating cans of Curried Goat (....????), Vila and Gan discuss how monumentally fucked they are. Even if law and order are restored, they will soon be killed by the underworld for not carrying out the burglaries and paying off their debts - especially now all the Alphas have fled and now cannot be robbed since all their stuff was looted anyway. Vila suggests they rob Rickitt before he can send the hitmen around (and... what? Sell him his own stuff and hope he doesn't notice??!), by heading to the floor above his apartment and lowering themselves into his pad.
Since Gan is freakishly huge and strong and Vila slight and petite, they can get around the motion sensors and power source detectors by Vila being lowered in and out via a bungee cord, a cunning plan that Master Restal worked out while Gan was dangling him upside down earlier on in what we shall hereby refer to as the plot. Gan is not convinced as Vila doesn't NEED to be put into this quite life-threatening position, and yet is doing so. I quite agree, but Vila's been so out of character in this adventure I barely noticed this "strange" behavior.
"OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!" wails Vila as he begins this death-defying Mission: Impossible sort of stunt as he wanders around the place bragging that he started his career of professional theft thirty years ago, the day he was big enough to pick up a crowbar (Vila's incredibly violent, remember? No, nor did I), and now considers himself the best thief in London, perhaps even Europe! So, he's quite humble compared to Vila 1.0, isn't he? Alas, this pomposity allows Vila to trip off some military hardware, so he steals Rickitt's safe of uncertain content (probably fan letters from Mark Goacher) and is hauled to safety before a firestorm can happen.
Yay.
8. The List
"Maybe we should stop thieving and put our skills to better use? Maybe we should take a stand against the tide of corruption that's overwhelming the Federation? We could be like the masked vigilantes from ancient literature, fighting injustice forever... hahah, had you going, didn't I?"
Vila and Gan open the safe with our lockpick's usual stealth... by drilling it open. Inside, they find no cash, just bits of paper (so I was right! Sparacus' secret love notes! I knew it!) and a list of people who have oh-so-conveniently perished in the riots earlier in the story. Unimpressed Vila instantly identifies it as a Death List and idly looks for anyone on the list they know personally, while Gan comes up with the revolutionary ferver quoted above. I didn't realize he was joking at first since this cretinous and cliched emo rants are identical to every single other one I've heard in these audios. Parody requires exaggeration, remember, A-Man?
But Gan does have a new plan, that he and Vila head off to Wolthamstow, Mice and Men style, to start a new life with some sheep. There they can enjoy the pubs, rob the rich and woo the still-definitely-a-woman-no-doubt-about-it Lola. So, I guess civilization HASN'T ended then? Or has it as Gan bemoans the pointlessness of stealing money with nothing to spend on? I'm confused.
Seriously, this IS the same Ben Aaronovitch who wrote Rememberance of the Daleks, right? He hasn't had a sinister brain swap operation with Chris Chibnall has he? Cause, seriously, that would explain a lot.
9. Revelation
"I need a drink."
With the flashback over we return to the drunken Vila and Gan loitering in a bus terminal coming up with ridiculous schemes to steal spaceships on the grounds that since no one expects anyone to try and hotwire a space shuttle, it will ergo not have the safeguards that cars have. Amazingly enough, they succeed, but they have stolen the shittiest planet hopper known to science fiction which doesn't seem to understand what 'escape velocity' means. Are we aiming for Gan throwing Vila out an airlock?
Desperately, they ring up Zen to save their sorry asses, but our Main Computer is sick of them ringing him up every five minutes asking for help and tells them they can kiss their arses goodbye as they have a minute before they burn up in the atmosphere. Now, actually, I was expecting him to teleport the winos out of danger to go with the odd title (mind you, most titles in this farrago have been pointless) and because of Vila's gibbering in episode one about teleports. But no, that'd be way too logical...
Oh.
Wait.
That's what they did. With a "funky" new remix of the teleport music.
OK, A-Man, explain why Zen didn't do that earlier? And how he managed it without bracelets? And how does this fit in with Rebel and the others since AFAICR, they don't have teleport before the series ends? Mind you, explaining why Vila looks, sounds and acts completely different is probably not going to be explained either. And of course they decide not to tell Blake and the others about their new ability because, well, it's far too much bother and they might get in trouble.
The End. Cue that bloody awful music.
In conclusion, When Vila Met Gan is not as bad as I feared. It's certainly easier on the ears than Rebel. The only real failing on the acting front is that Keating simply doesn't convince as in the countless drunk scenes where he is called on to talk with a slur. The ones where he is completely pissed and filled with Dutch Genius, or else achingly sober are great. Owen's Gan isn't bad at all. As the B7 Audio equivalent of Whitnail and I, this isn't a bad little story, except it keeps flipping between The Way Back and Gambit with no rhyme or reason.
Of course, ideally I'd want to say "as long as you forget the TV series, this is great", but it fails on that front too. The plot is full of inconsistencies as civilization dies and revives between scenes, and it's painfully obvious at the lack of budget. What the hell was the point of the flashback as it does nothing to explain how Vila and Gan got arrested, or what happened to Lola, and crucially misses the scene where they first meet anyway! It not only fails to tie into the audio series, it completely contradicts it - and not such because of the casting. The scenes with them on a bender are amusing, admittedly, but the whole teleport angle is stupid, self-aware and defies belief, almost as much as the cheapness of the whole thing.
Just WHAT was the point of this?
WHAT THOSE OTHER LISTENERS THOUGHT
Miles Reid: To be honest, the only thing good about it is Michael Keating as Vila. But unfortunately, it takes every possible oppotunity to tell you that this is actually set in B7 Audioland and not TV Series land. So, are B7 productions going to be continuing their terrible B7 Adventures?
Jackie Emery: I didn’t like the use of contemporary place names. I accept that this version isn’t set in the Domed City of the original series, but using those names made my mind picture those places as they are today. There were also anachronistic references to present-day technology – one that especially jarred was ‘mobile’: this communication device will probably be out-dated within the next ten years, let alone two hundred! Similarly, the sound effects of police sirens, one has only to watch cop shows from the 1960s and 70s to hear how much they’ve changed in only a few decades, so it’s most unlikely they’ll sound the same centuries from now.
Horizon Fan Club Official Statement: Was it worth the wait? Yes, always, because it's Blake's 7... it can never fail to please. B7 Media: if it aint broke, why fix it, eh?
(WhatEVAH.)
Spike Ombre: I got a very strong feeling that the characterisation was deliberately sacrificed in order to make a more satisfying double-act, and when characterisation is such a fundamentally important part of B7, this is a very dangerous thing to mess with. It was Michael Keating's voice, but another character's words.
Apparatchik: I am glad to see Michael Keating doing Vila again but after the fiasco of the audios, in my view, I cannot trust B7 media. Maybe the next one will be: "When Cally met the Tharrn". We could see Cally and the garden gnome make a new life together, sort of like "The Good Life" with Jan Chappell doing Felicity Kendal. Do we really need B7 Productions? I ask you.
Stormgiest: It's pretty lame stuff. Inoffensive and not without a certain charm - most of which comes from the joy of hearing Michael Keating back in his career-defining role - it's handicapped all the way through byBen Aaronovitch's script shows off his usual penchant for overcooking the dialogue, and his sorry knack for missing the point of his own work. Sure, he gives us the would-be first meeting of Gan and Vila, but he offers almost no insight into why they became friends, bar an underdeveloped suggestion that Vila is touched by Gan's clear love for Lola. Why Vila should be touched by this, why he should even give a flying toss about this, is not looked at. Owen Aaronovitch, it almost goes without saying, is a plank as Gan, which is therefore something of an improvement on some of his previous performances. It is good to hear Keating back in the role, and for sure his portrayal of Vila continues to piss over Harris' from orbit.
Theseafarer: 'We can be like the masked vigilantes in ancient literature fighting injustice wherever.' You can write this shit, Ben, but you sure can't say it...
21st Century Anorak: I guess I'll get this one day, but I've got better things to spend my money on right now. Like beer. This tat really just lasts for 39 minutes? Wait... this crap I'm listening to contains all of the extras? How come the site says its 50 minutes? Sweet baby Jesus, this sucks the big one.
Nicola Mody: I am somewhat nervous about listening to the CD. I've heard it is not just rather crap and that Gan is from Croydon (these two facts possibly connected) but it's not from the B7 universe at all, but the alternate B7E one set 200 years in the future but with contemporary helicopters and police cars. Yes, the same one that will be in the miniseries. Still, it's Michael Keating, so it can't be all bad. Can it?
Michael Jackson: Why am I a criminal for dangling people over balconies when Gan is shown as a romantic fool? You're all ignorant!
Someone Who Hasn't Heard It: So long as they're consistent and don't contradict either themselves or the series canon, that wouldn't worry me. I'll probably give it a miss anyway; there's enough fanfic around here...
6 comments:
This sounds amazingly bad.
I'm very, very confused by the desire of seemingly all of B7 fandom to make Gan an evil bastard. The charm of his character was that he wasn't - he was from one of the lower classes, he was a massive bastard who looked like a psycho and who Blake picked out as his muscle in a way that nearly seems impulsive when you see it. But he's just a tender soul who wanted a simple life.
I think if Gan has any backstory, it's to do with a nasty run in with the Terra Nostra or family addicted to Shadow. His sheer disgust of the Nostra is quite noticeable considering the fact that, even with a simple outlook, he didn't seem to like judging others and followed Blake's lead rather than choosing side. The only other group he's shown to hate similarly are the Feds, and of course they killed his girlfriend (Yes, his girlfriend - not his prey you sick bastards..) before drilling a hole in his head.
Making him a genetically modified killing machine is missing the point so spectacularly it defies belief. Someone should give Ben a list of all the ideas from the original series, with reasons why they were good. For the record, Gan and Vila were the everymen. They were meant to be us, the viewer. Neither could be the hero, as one was a coward and the other a liability. But they did their best and there was one for each camp: a cynic and an idealist. It's when you stop and look you realise how well constructed the dynamic is.
The Vila in this play sounds more like the original idea of a sort of cross between Artful Dodger and The A-Team, which is terrible because if Vila has no fear he can achieve anything. Vila makes wise-cracks as a defense mechanism in the face of fear, but it doesn't actually work as such - he just wants it to. Your description of Vila calmly quipping as Gan holds him over a balcony makes me shudder.
Incidentally, this got me thinking of the most tragic Vila moment in the series... immediately after Dayna's death (whom he was, of course, somewhat infatuated with..) he punches out Arlin in a rare moment of rage, before glibly saying sorry. There's something about the hollowness in his voice at that moment, where he's trying to joke and can't quite manage it, that really got to me.
The fact that he's shot instantly afterwards doesn't help matters either...
Also, I think you made a small error. I can understand the confusion but Gamma goes between Beta and Delta - it's 'C' rather than 'D'. Epsilon does indeed follow Delta.
This sounds amazingly bad.
I have to say that it's superficially entertaining. Particularly the framing story, which is just like that scene from "Manny's First Day" where drunk Bernard tries to offer Manny a job. But drunk people are funny, so it's not really an achievement. I certainly enjoyed this more than Rebel. Or The Boy That Time Forgot.
I'm very, very confused by the desire of seemingly all of B7 fandom to make Gan an evil bastard.
So am I. The other day I found a fanfic where it turns out Gan was a Carnell-style psychostrategist manipulating Avon and Blake, but his plans went tit's up since Control turned out to be an empty room. So he faked his death because he knew he'd wound up Blake and Avon so much they'd kill each other.
Bastard!
The charm of his character was that he wasn't - he was from one of the lower classes, he was a massive bastard who looked like a psycho and who Blake picked out as his muscle in a way that nearly seems impulsive when you see it. But he's just a tender soul who wanted a simple life.
Indeed. That's what Terry Nation wrote in his character description. A big, friendly farmer from a high gravity world, which was why Gan was a massive bastard to ordinary Earth folk.
I think if Gan has any backstory, it's to do with a nasty run in with the Terra Nostra or family addicted to Shadow.
That is... incredibly logical. I never realized it before. It's quite clear that that Gan's not simply going as you or I might "The Mafia's BAD!". This is personal. I can't believe I never twigged to that before.
(Odd how Liberation tries to bluff that Psycho Cat Strangler is so moral - "Er, well, obviously the limiter IS making him a better person." So Alan Stevens supports lobotomies. You heard it here first.)
(Yes, his girlfriend - not his prey you sick bastards..)
The only thing WORSE than that theory is the way it's shoehorned into their work so badly...
TANDO: I had a friend called Ga--
KANE: OH! The cat strangler! He murdered all sorts of women, didn't he? He was a total fucking loon! He made ME look normal! That's why they gave him a limiter! Only retards wouldn't notice! Gan was EEEVIL! EVIL FROM THE DAWN OF THE SERIES!
BLAKE: For fuck's sake, I'm trying to drive here!
Making him a genetically modified killing machine is missing the point so spectacularly it defies belief.
Someone should give Ben a list of all the ideas from the original series, with reasons why they were good.
Apparently the offical CD has a doco where Ben justifies himself. Though "marvels at his own genius" seems a better description from the reviews I've read.
For the record, Gan and Vila were the everymen. They were meant to be us, the viewer. Neither could be the hero, as one was a coward and the other a liability. But they did their best and there was one for each camp: a cynic and an idealist. It's when you stop and look you realise how well constructed the dynamic is.
*standing ovation*
I spent all day trying to sum that up, noting that Vila is a kind of fictional archetype that encompasses Baldrick, Much, Mercutio and even the bizzare Avon/Vila dynamic they inserted into the movie Judge Dredd.
But yours was much better.
The Vila in this play sounds more like the original idea of a sort of cross between Artful Dodger and The A-Team, which is terrible because if Vila has no fear he can achieve anything.
I know. Reading the original version of the character, he's like one of the smugger conmen from Hustle - except he does nothing beyond open doors and give incredibly melodrammatic speeches. "That is the rank odor of DEATH, my friends!"
He's also described as "a goblin", which is a bit rude. I never looked at Michael Keating and though "Gollem", before.
Your description of Vila calmly quipping as Gan holds him over a balcony makes me shudder.
I honestly assumed Vila was joking until the plot made it clear he wasn't.
There's something about the hollowness in his voice at that moment, where he's trying to joke and can't quite manage it, that really got to me.
It's also a bit of a powerful message in a way. Vila's sorry he decked the bitch who murdered his friend. Because he shouldn't have HAD to deck her. There should, to coin a phrase, have been another way. At the end, Vila still knows life should be better than this.
The fact that he's shot instantly afterwards doesn't help matters either...
I think it's the way his expression goes, "Oh, no, I'm fucked, aren't I?" the SECOND before he's shot that kicks me. Out of all the 'deaths', I only blanked out Vila's. I remembered all the others, but not Vila's...
Mind you, my memory was a bit corrupted and Animals and Blake merged together, so Tarrant was forcing Vila to fix Scorpion after it crashed, and Servalan was torturing Dayna to find out about Blake. And Blake of course was blowing holes in the Viking-Owl monsters...
Also, I think you made a small error. I can understand the confusion but Gamma goes between Beta and Delta - it's 'C' rather than 'D'. Epsilon does indeed follow Delta.
Ah yes. I studied Greek, you know. I was rubbish, but I did know that. But it wasn't at the forefront of my memory, I admit.
My mistake was assuming that one fan fic was general to all B7. I remember one line that was "It wasn't his fault he was born to a Delta Grade worker and, worse, a Gamma Grade slut", with the whole thing being Gammas are worse than Deltas. Gammas are NEVER mentioned in B7, so... yeah. My bad.
So... they're showing Torchwood on channel 10 again. Did Reset tonight. God knows what a new viewer would make of it.
The other day I found a fanfic where it turns out Gan was a Carnell-style psychostrategist manipulating Avon and Blake, but his plans went tit's up since Control turned out to be an empty room. So he faked his death because he knew he'd wound up Blake and Avon so much they'd kill each other.
...how did he convince Travis to lob a grenade in a confined corridor in the space of about two minutes during which time neither spoke to the other? Was he telepathic? How did he know the roof would collapse on top of him like that? Was this thought through at all?
That's what Terry Nation wrote in his character description. A big, friendly farmer from a high gravity world, which was why Gan was a massive bastard to ordinary Earth folk.
Hmm, nice to see that we wee on the same page.
Odd how Liberation tries to bluff that Psycho Cat Strangler is so moral - "Er, well, obviously the limiter IS making him a better person."
...hmm. So the Federation have the power to completely alter people's personalities... and don't use it? Somehow I'm not buying it.
KANE: OH! The cat strangler! He murdered all sorts of women, didn't he? He was a total fucking loon! He made ME look normal! That's why they gave him a limiter! Only retards wouldn't notice! Gan was EEEVIL! EVIL FROM THE DAWN OF THE SERIES!
BLAKE: For fuck's sake, I'm trying to drive here!
LMAO!
He's also described as "a goblin", which is a bit rude. I never looked at Michael Keating and though "Gollem", before.
Hmm, that's interesting. Keating does have a pointy-ish nose. And the name 'Keating' does mean 'swamp dweller'.
But why should Vila look like a goblin? Not sure I get it..
There should, to coin a phrase, have been another way. At the end, Vila still knows life should be better than this.
An interesting way of looking at it that, when all's said and done, makes perfect sense. It's quite notable how shocked he is to have killed somebody in Cygnus Alpha - seems a bit of a shame that there's that random shooting in Games to muddy the water, eh?
Out of all the 'deaths',
Pfft, give it up with the inverted commas, mate. They're DEAD. They're all DEAD!!!
Mind you, my memory was a bit corrupted and Animals and Blake merged together, so Tarrant was forcing Vila to fix Scorpion after it crashed, and Servalan was torturing Dayna to find out about Blake. And Blake of course was blowing holes in the Viking-Owl monsters...
That is the most fucked up thing I've ever heard.
On IMDb I mentioned Animals recently, lamenting that it's basically the worst of the worst and also Dayna's only starring role in an episode wherein she is disgustingly out of character, and of course somebody responding saying "It's written for Cally, that's why" as if I didn't know that in the first place. BUT it got me thinking - the story doesn't make any more sense if you do the substitute. When did Cally, kickarse alien rebel, meet this human scientist Justin? Why would she have cared when she's never shown to have any scientific knowledge? (It couldn't be a friend of her father's because she had none) Why would she still be in love with him when she's fallen for Avon - do they break up before this story and she's on the reboun? How the HELL would Servalan be able to hypnotise a telepath whose psychic defense give the smackdown to the Great Intelligence and Hans Moleman in the space of ten seconds?
The only thing that makes more sense is the moral outrage and the age difference. Even then the plot's still completely retarded.
So... they're showing Torchwood on channel 10 again. Did Reset tonight. God knows what a new viewer would make of it.
Isn't it meant to have been shown by Ten HDD? Did they start with Reset? Hmm, let's see... was Greeks Bearing Gifts the last one they showed in the first run?
Yeah, it'll be interesting to see how the show flourishes under the wisdom-fuelled guiding hands of Ten's programmers...
(C'mon, Blogger, POST it already...)
Was this thought through at all?
AFAIR, that was all genuine, but Gan was somehow able to fake dying in Blake's arms. Somehow.
Mind, there's a fair few 'return of Gan' stories that say his limiter was fritzing, so he wasn't actually dead, he just LOOKED it. Completely ignoring that for his limiter to do that, he must have suffered massive brain damage PLUS all the other nasty crap.
Quite like Cally's miraculous powers of regeneration that not only allow her to survive an explosion on Terminal, but allow Avon to find her corpse, walk off, let the whole planet explode and she STILL makes it.
You wonder if fandom thinks all of B7 were made immortal by the Bad Wolf or something.
LMAO!
It's quite subtle compared to their oh-so-funny stage play.
But why should Vila look like a goblin? Not sure I get it..
It's in the official book they published before the show was actually made, so there are a lot of differences. Most notable is that Brian Blessed's character is described as looking just like Colin Baker, there's a huge clock in the teleport section, and Jenna is a natural brunette.
An interesting way of looking at it that, when all's said and done, makes perfect sense. It's quite notable how shocked he is to have killed somebody in Cygnus Alpha - seems a bit of a shame that there's that random shooting in Games to muddy the water, eh?
However, we know he's using a gun with a stun option. Which doesn't necesarily mean he is stunning the guy (Vila threatens to snap Egrorian's neck in Orbit, but he might be joking...)
Pfft, give it up with the inverted commas, mate. They're DEAD. They're all DEAD!!!
I was about to protest but... well, best dead on the floor of GP than any of the sequels...
That is the most fucked up thing I've ever heard.
PLUS the montage of TV shows after the very end.
When did Cally, kickarse alien rebel, meet this human scientist Justin? Why would she have cared when she's never shown to have any scientific knowledge?
Well, according to Liberation (and it's in their facts section not subtext, so it's reliable), Justin was a tutor on Auron who was eventually kicked out due to the isolationist policy. Cally DIDN'T have any real love for science, but she did have the hots for the scientist doing the teaching (this is another sign that Cally's not a typical Auron, which is why Justin ever bothered to remember Cally since presumably half the student intake look like her).
Why would she still be in love with him when she's fallen for Avon - do they break up before this story and she's on the reboun?
It seemed that Justin was lusting after Cally, who basically tried to hide the fact she's got a boyfriend to keep him interested in helping their gang.
How the HELL would Servalan be able to hypnotise a telepath whose psychic defense give the smackdown to the Great Intelligence and Hans Moleman in the space of ten seconds?
Not sure, but the original script (even with Dayna) had a completely different hypnosis thing "inspired by the scenes from 1984 with the rats where Winston betrays Julia".
Of course, if I had written it, Servalan would have tried to hypnotize Cally, Cally hypnotized Servalan instead and all sorts of mischief would occur.
The only thing that makes more sense is the moral outrage and the age difference. Even then the plot's still completely retarded.
Yeah. Even WITHOUT Blake hunting the animals through the woods.
Isn't it meant to have been shown by Ten HDD? Did they start with Reset?
Yes (sorry, having a settop box has corrupted me) and yes.
Hmm, let's see... was Greeks Bearing Gifts the last one they showed in the first run?
No, it was Everything Changes. They showed it at a steady time slot for, ohh, the first seven episodes, then it got dumped around midnight and ignored.
Yeah, it'll be interesting to see how the show flourishes under the wisdom-fuelled guiding hands of Ten's programmers...
AFAICT, it's in a special 'cult TV' time slot. Tonight it's Angel. Which is hilarious - "You've seen the rip-off, now watch the original!"
Mind you, I like Reset. There are a few downers, like a whacking great plothole where there's still some junkie wandering Cardiff full of bug stuff, and the whole idea of the UN and Britain turning on Torchwood... but no.
The whole alien chestburster deal with Martha doesn't make much sense, either, unless her guts are bigger on the inside than the out... nevertheless, surely they should have seen this episode and gone, "You know, that shit with the wedding ends in THE EXACT SAME WAY! Scrap it! We'll adapt another of the books..."
AFAIR, that was all genuine, but Gan was somehow able to fake dying in Blake's arms. Somehow.
Bit convenient, innit? Surely he would have gone on trial for treason along with Travis after that fiasco?
Quite like Cally's miraculous powers of regeneration that not only allow her to survive an explosion on Terminal, but allow Avon to find her corpse, walk off, let the whole planet explode and she STILL makes it.
Bah, feeble planet, I scoff at your puny explosion!
You wonder if fandom thinks all of B7 were made immortal by the Bad Wolf or something.
Amazing consider that they all die in the end. Even if you think KC is canon (*snort*) Avon goes on to be killed anyway. Twice.
It's quite subtle compared to their oh-so-funny stage play.
It did all feel like an excuse to get as big a group of people as possible to see two of the actors reciting their crackpot ideas to somehow legitimise them, didn't it?
Most notable is that Brian Blessed's character is described as looking just like Colin Baker, there's a huge clock in the teleport section, and Jenna is a natural brunette.
Go on YouTube and search for Sally Knyvette's cameo role in The Sweeney. Amusing, and she's also VERY brunette.
After that you can also check out David Jackson's, in which he is a right dodgy geezer.
However, we know he's using a gun with a stun option.
Huh. I missed that bit of dialogue..
Justin was a tutor on Auron who was eventually kicked out due to the isolationist policy. Cally DIDN'T have any real love for science, but she did have the hots for the scientist doing the teaching (this is another sign that Cally's not a typical Auron, which is why Justin ever bothered to remember Cally since presumably half the student intake look like her).
Hehe... is there any dialogue about the clones looking identical? I assumed that, considering the emphasis over the connection between Cally and Zilda, that it wasn't necessarily the case.
It seemed that Justin was lusting after Cally, who basically tried to hide the fact she's got a boyfriend to keep him interested in helping their gang.
Wow. See, if Dayna had that attitude in the finished story it would work- Justin would be a creep, end of story. As it is... remarkably disturbing.
Of course, if I had written it, Servalan would have tried to hypnotize Cally, Cally hypnotized Servalan instead and all sorts of mischief would occur.
...you have just blown my mind.
I've thought a little bit about an Animals re-write - I think the story should have been about a Federation scientist working on improving the Mutoids, seeing as they're so under-used in the series.
No, it was Everything Changes. They showed it at a steady time slot for, ohh, the first seven episodes, then it got dumped around midnight and ignored.
Yeah, I meant the last one they showed before pulling it.
Tonight it's Angel. Which is hilarious - "You've seen the rip-off, now watch the original!"
LMFAO!
The whole alien chestburster deal with Martha doesn't make much sense, either, unless her guts are bigger on the inside than the out... nevertheless, surely they should have seen this episode and gone, "You know, that shit with the wedding ends in THE EXACT SAME WAY! Scrap it! We'll adapt another of the books..."
Ah, SB. I find it such hilariously lazy writing when Rhys quickly says "Owen showed me how to use it!" It's just... brilliant. I couldn't deliberately write anything, in a comedy, to be as bad as that. Seriously, when was there any chance for that to happen? It's just BRILLIANT!
Bit convenient, innit? Surely he would have gone on trial for treason along with Travis after that fiasco?
Man, I really should read it again. It turns out Gan is a psychostrategist who Carnell stabs in the back and has a limiter planted, framed for murder and exiled. Gan then manipulates the break out on the London, etc, and in PP, when Travis blows the roof, he traps himself and Servalan, not Gan. Who returns to life, teams up with Veron and escapes.
Bah, feeble planet, I scoff at your puny explosion!
I now have a DTF-image of Cally surviving the explosion of Terminal and hurtling through space on the corpse of a Link.
It did all feel like an excuse to get as big a group of people as possible to see two of the actors reciting their crackpot ideas to somehow legitimise them, didn't it?
No, you're right, the semiotic thickness of the performed text varied through its auxiliary performance codes.
Huh. I missed that bit of dialogue..
In Rescue, Dayna notes the clip guns can be set to any function from stun to grenade.
"I worked for a year on a gun like this and never got it right."
"Proves what I've always said: stealing is quicker."
Hehe... is there any dialogue about the clones looking identical? I assumed that, considering the emphasis over the connection between Cally and Zilda, that it wasn't necessarily the case.
Dayna says there are "plenty" of clones on Auron who look like Cally, but in terms in individuals, Cally and Zelda were raised as sisters. Hence the closeness. And stuff.
Wow. See, if Dayna had that attitude in the finished story it would work- Justin would be a creep, end of story. As it is... remarkably disturbing.
I know. Funny thing is, my original copy missed the opening scene where Tarrant basically goes, "You're just going to pretend to flirt, right? You and me, we're still good." And Dayna goes, "Fuck that, I'm getting some sweet loving today!"
...
Which is disturbing because without that scene, their relationship isn't QUITE as fucked up in that Dayna and Justin seem to warm to each other rather than impatiently waiting for each other so they can get down to the sex.
...you have just blown my mind.
Oops. Best not check out my Doomsday Parody then.
I've thought a little bit about an Animals re-write - I think the story should have been about a Federation scientist working on improving the Mutoids, seeing as they're so under-used in the series.
Cool. There is a good one out there which has Justin being an alien experimenting on humans rather than the other way round, which works a bit better. It also kills off Servalan, which I'm sure you'd like.
LMFAO!
It's amazing that even Angel's "fuck seriousness, let's make a comedy" eps are closer to social concerns than Torchwood.
Ah, SB. I find it such hilariously lazy writing when Rhys quickly says "Owen showed me how to use it!" It's just... brilliant. I couldn't deliberately write anything, in a comedy, to be as bad as that. Seriously, when was there any chance for that to happen? It's just BRILLIANT!
I think many other things could be improved that way.
"Why, Dr. Jackman, you surved when Mr. Hyde perished! How did that work?"
"Owen showed me how!"
"Burnan Wood comes to Dunsdinade!"
"Impossible! They're just wearing camoflague! How did they do that?"
"Owen showed me how!"
"Superman, you reversed time and saved Lois Lane!"
"Owen showed me how!"
"I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself. I scatter the words through time. Owen showed me how."
"Well, Devis, how did you stop that shonky Indian chemist who happens to be the Kandyman from Happiness Patrol from crashing the world's computer networks using a bent fork and some fuse wire?"
"Owen showed me how! KWAAAAAAAAAA!"
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