Dallas of the Daleks

A bit of a celebratory spoof I started before I got all depressed and low...

I, DUSTBIN
by JEREMY "NOTHING AND NO-ONE" LEADBETTER
transcribed by EWEN CAMPION-CLARKE with a rising sense of disbelief
first broadcast - 30th April 2005
running time - 45 minutes 20 seconds

[Upbeat, trumpet-laced version of the Dr Who music. Scenes of highway traffic, planes landing, road signs to Cardiff, naked pole dancers, the Welsh Millennium Centre, sheep in a field, that bloody water fountain outside the Millennium Centre, roulette wheels, glittering lights, hands counting money, Autons lumbering through shopping centres, sky-scrapers, more sheep, dancing girls, rain, the Cardiff docks, yet more sheep. We pan down through the Roald Dahl Plass as the titles begin...]

The Last of the Dustbins

STARRINGIN NON-ALPHABETICAL ORDER

[We see the Doctor, dressed in leather knee breeches, a loden jacket and a Tyrolean hat taking part in a string quartet with a number of high-ranking Nazi officers for an audience made up of Bavarian ladies.]

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON as Professor X

[We see Rose in a silk kimono dressing gown sitting in a chair with her legs on a stool, so her bare feet loom incredibly large. She is smoking a pipe for some reason and staring blankly ahead.]

BILLIE PIPER as Rosie Taylor

[We see Adam, dressed like a very rich businessman riding piggy-back on a blonde Swedish supermodel, steering her direction by fondling her right tit. He is laughing insanely.]

NIGELLA JAY VERKOFF as Adam Fairfax

[We see ET playing ice hockey while dressed as an American football quarterback. Another player smashes his legs from under him with his hockey stick. ET falls to the floor, screaming and clutching his knee.]

SIR GEORGE THE DRUMMER as the late, great ET Fairfax

[We see Sue-Ellen, dressed as a Halloween witch, surrounded by purple smoke. Her face is blackened and the hem of her black robe is actually on fire. She is too busy cackling like a witch to notice.]

ALEX DRAKE as the Complete Bitch Whore married to ET Fairfax

[We see Goddard sucking her thumb and looking all cute and vulnerable. A poster behind her says "VOTE B'STARD".]

DEREK YEUGH (post-op) as the Frosty Chick With Her Hair In A Bun
[Bywater, wearing a smart black cocktail dress and strumming an acoustic guitar, sits astride a Harley Davidson as it hurles down a highway.]

JOHAN REDSEN as Bywater the Flintlock-Flaunting, Red-Shirt-Wearing, Dead Man Walking

[We see Simmons standing on a table, wearing a bus conductor hat sideways on his head and his tie as a bandana, shouting.]

KEITH ALLAN as The 60-Year-Old Sex Offender

[Gunther fires a shoulder-mounted missile launcher at a VW beetle, which explodes. He then jumps up onto the bonnet and starts to smash apart the remains of the car with a fire axe he carries.]

DEREK YEUGH (pre-op) as The Inveterate Crawler With No Mind Of His Own

[We see the medic wearing an oxygen facemask and floating in an isolation tank as lab technicians in white coats adjust controls.]

MORGAN BOTTOMS as Bad Wolff

[David Tennant, dressed in a toothpaste-green coat, shades and a shoulder-length ginger wig is sharing a bottle of gin with roughly fourteen giggling teenage girls. For some reason he is holding a hub cap in his left hand.]

and DAVID TENNANT

as the Mysterious Gauzy, Pale, Vaguely-Defined Figure Imbued In An Aura Of White Shimmering Translucence Observing the Doctor And Generally Acting Like A Spooky Portent Of Doom

[We see a familiar purple head on a spike outside a castle gate.]

Special Guest Star

BARNEY THE DINOSAUR as the Dustbin

[Nick Briggs, clothed in a blue suit, boots, denim vest and cowboy hat, clutching a fistful of money and smoking a huge marijuana cigar, gazes around uncertainly and dumps a bottle of vodka in his lap. He then falls over at the sound of a gun shot.]

and NICHOLAS BRIGGS

as Himself

[The final shot is a badly cut-out photograph of K9’s head – quite scary in fact, with psychedelic colours radiating from it as the music ends.]



Scene 1 – Dustbin Cell

[Blackness, just for a few seconds, long enough to make everyone get up to check the aerial’s not been disconnected from the TV again. During this, the sound of ragged breathing – something is turned on and the camera is from the point of view of this unseen, aroused creature. It shuffles out of the darkness into a doorway, and then into a room. We see it is in fact, a 60-year-old man called Simmons, apparently benign and grandfatherly, and panting with filthy lust. He looks hungrily at the glass tube in the corner of the cell, encased in a dark cover, just next to a large bank of electronic equipment. He presses a button and with an electronic hum, the cover slides away...]

SIMMONS: Good morning, rise and shine you metal bastard!

[We do not see what is inside, but we see from its point of view. It’s not like RTD is going to ruin the surprise just for his publicity juggernaut, is he? Its eyesight works differently from ours, it zooms in and then pulls out from the things it is scanning - fast, methodical, looking for a way out. It zooms in on Simmons apprehensively.]

SIMMONS: I trust you slept well. If you do, indeed, sleep. Either way, you won’t be doing it again any time soon. I want to play a new game called "sleep deprivation through high voltage current". Won’t THAT be fun?

[Simmons’ breathing quickens a little as the hum of equipment begins to rise.]

SIMMONS: Now, you know there’s going to be a certain amount of pain. But I can stop it any time I want. The trouble is, I won’t want to, that’s where the theory falls down. Of course, I might change my mind if you speak. Don’t care what you say, whatever you like, as long as you call me "Sugar Daddy" and beg me more. You come up with that and I’ll down tools, and we can be friends, yes? [sniggers] Well, not friends. But I might use some lubricant this time.

[The eyesight looks around more frantically, trying to find a way out. Simmons grins and presses a control.]

SIMMONS: Really, if you think about it, you’re only hurting yourself. And I want to be the one hurting you!

[Simmons stabs down on the control, there is a flash of electricity, and the eyesight distorts horribly; we hear a squawk, we see red and Simmons starts moaning.]

SIMMONS: Oh God, this is SO working for me!


Scene 2 – Museum

[A room with a few glass cases and most of the lights off, giving the impression that’s a long, darkened museum rather a disused lounge room with some rather shitty props kept in less-than-pristine conditions. Suddenly something looms, a bulky shape with a pale yellow light flashing above it wobbles uncertainly, accompanied by a raucous groaning sound which gradually died away like distant thunder. The pulsing light shone brilliantly and the ghostly object grows more distinct, hovering, swaying precariously, then dropping heavily into the carpet, coming to rest at a steep angle. The light is extinguished and excited human voices come from inside the shabby, blue-painted structure and several shadows move across the frosted glass windows ranged along the top of each of its four sides, beneath the painted sign saying POLICE Public Call.... look, it’s just the bloody TARDIS! It lands! Do we REALLY need this level of detail? What the hell were the first five episodes for, huh?]

ROSE: [vo] And this is really 2014?

DOCTOR: [vo] For god’s sake, Rose, why do you keep asking that?!

[The chipped and weathered panelling of the ‘box’ creaks loudly as it sways alarmingly to and fro, and it all but topples over when a door suddenly flies open in the uppermost side and... forget it. The Doctor stalks out of the TARDIS and Rose follows.]

DOCTOR: Rose, we’ve been to the end of time and back again and no matter where we go, you always ask the same bloody question. "Is this 2014?" Why?!

ROSE: Well, 2014 is in the future.

DOCTOR: Oh, and the year 5 Billion ISN’T in the future?

ROSE: Yeah, but this is the proper future, isn’t it?

DOCTOR: "Proper" future? Have you been reading about Faction Paradox again?!

ROSE: I mean, it’s my future.

DOCTOR: Your future.

ROSE: Like, you know, I could live and see it.

DOCTOR: And this is somehow better than seeing futures you couldn’t live and see?

ROSE: I can’t see this future.

DOCTOR: Can’t you? Damn

ROSE: It’s dark.

DOCTOR: And it’s not your future. The year is 2005 and this is a torch.

[He grins at her stupidity and hands her a torch.]