The Diary of the 9th Dr Who

ENTRY 1

You know, I'm beginning to fancy that blonde. She's well fit, she is. Odd how I keep bumping into her. I'd call it a conspiracy except all the decent master manipulators are dead and buried no returns. The Nestenes has a relay in the shop - she works there. The Nestenes activate a hunter drone to capture me - it hides in her flat. She reasonably assumed it was all about her, but I kind of overreacted. When you're the last survivor of the biggest war in all history, I think it's fair to claim credit where credit is due. I tried to make up for it by singing the Galaxy song from Monty Python, but I ended up sound like I was so hungover I could feel the turn of the Earth. Mind you, that has happened.

So, it's just me and a plastic hand for company. And thoughts of that blonde. And her mother. Nasty. I'm fairly certain she was coming on to me, to the point I had to check the mirror to see I still had the same face. Either she found me sexy (ewww!) or she was willing the jump the bones of a total passing stranger (ewwwww!) in order to get compensation (EEEEWWWW!). Her daughter's a bit self-involved too. I mean, yeah, I could forgive some twit like Lucie thinking I was joking around with the hand strangling me, but come on, girl, we just ran away from homicidal window dummies! And she had a go at me for doing the 'mostly armless' gag.

Philistine. Nice lips though.

This post-regenerative stuff must still be in my system - I even sound like bloody Lucie. Instead of strangling people and being amnesiac, I'm fancying random blondes and sounding like a Northerner! I think I need a break. I'll call it quits on the Nestenes for now. Check up on my pal Daniel in 1912. He's a real posh gent, and if anyone can turn me into a proper Edwardian gentlemen, it's him. I'll have to get all my old gear resized though.

Still thinking about that blonde. What was her name? Daisy?


ENTRY 2

Well, THAT went swimmingly. Not only did Daniel's total Elizah Doolittle bollocks fail utterly, I'm allergic to all the starch in Victorian clothes. Plus I can't be arsed emptying the pockets of my coat, and a leather jacket doesn't quite fit in. Still, I can pull it off, and it doesn't raise an eyebrow on Earth most of the time. Mind you, the jumper doesn't quite suit me. Maybe something in blue?

Daniel and his family managed to get tickets on the Titanic. Apparently they completely missed the point of all those "avoid big unsinkable ships" speech me and Destrii gave them. I finally talked them out of it (note to self: control salivary glands - no longer favorite uncle of the boys now I changed my face, talked common and spat all over them) but I was left out of pocket. Decided to go on the cruise and see if I bumped into any of the other mes. See if they're still around, but got completely drunk and kept shouting, "I'm flying, Jack, I'm flying!" before falling over. That big, butch bloke with the white teeth seemed pretty interested in that, and came on to me.

Either that, or he's someone from my personal future and timelines means he can't reveal what happens to me.

Oh well. Ended up sleeping through the lot and woke up on the iceberg itself. Wasn't half cold. Me and the American with the teeth sat around until we were rescued. Still wondering where the Meddling Monk was, since the ice berg was his TARDIS? Or is that another tall tale I used to tell?

The American was sex mad and told me he'd slept with pretty much everyone on the ship - bar me, I hope. Mind you, wouldn't need a paper bag. Started thinking about that blonde all over again - Petal, or whatever - but I'm still clearly not over it all. Slipped the American the phone number for someone I didn't like and went back to the TARDIS. Need a decent holiday.

Just arrived in Krakatoa, 1883. Lovely place, but seems very familiar somehow. Asked around and it turns out me and Jamie are fighting the Quarks on the other side of the bay. God, how embarrassing. Keep a low profile, methinks - still thinking about the blonde when I'm not trying to work out why it's all so familiar. Krakatoa... is it famous or what?


ENTRY 3

Remembered what Krakatoa is famous for. Washed up on the shore and had to wait for the lava to cool off before I could go back to the TARDIS. Very nice native lady sketched me - god I look rough. Reminds me I must pick up that photo I had taken with Daniel's family. Don't want anyone else to see me poncing around that. Frock coats are fine when you look like Lord Byron, not a drama teacher... bugger! Dropped the sketch into the ocean. I could go back, but it'd be a bit dull. Actually, what colour is my leather jacket anyway? She used it green, but I was sure it was dark, dark, blue.

Jumper replaced with turtle-neck sweater. Think I might choke soon.

I need a proper holiday. Might head back to Shoreditch and meet up with Harry and the others, chill out. Best set the TARDIS to avoid Totter's Lane though. He's in a bitch of mood at the best of times and seeing me dressed like this, he'd go ape. Susan'd piss herself laughing too.

Haven't though of the blonde all day. Till then, anyway. Damn.


ENTRY 4

Decided to use percussive maintanence on the TARDIS more often and found a twelve-bound lump hammer to do it. I thought maybe a suburb away from Shoreditch would do. A few streets away from the junkyard would be perfect. Dallas, bit too far. Still, Dallas, 1963, good enough place to enjoy Beatlemania as any. Decided to finally finish The Murder of Roger Ackroyd and went to the local book depository, and guess what?

Yeah. President. JFK. Shot through the head just as I'm looking for the traffic lights to cross the road.

Strikes me I still don't know exactly who was the bloke who did the shooting. Nasty suspicion it was Ace in a bad mood. Either way, so pissed off - especially since the book shop was now a crime scene - I stormed off. That does it, enough bloody holidays. I'll get back to the Nestenes. Sort them all out.

Wonder if I'll see that blonde again?


ENTRY 5

Rose, her name is! Nice name. Nice face. Nice everything. God, I'm getting obsessed.

Seriously, what are the odds that the only active Auton on the ENTIRE PLANET will be the one pretending to be her boyfriend? Wandered into the pizzeria, on the look out for any customers avoiding the ovens and being generally plasticcy, and who do I see? Her! With her boyfriend. Oh, she is wasted on him. The way she didn't notice his hair was painted on and had action figure grippy hands suggests she's a bit preoccupied. Or stupid. But probably just preoccupied.

I wonder if she's thinking about me?

Realized I was getting soppy so I decided to rip the boyfriend's head off. Even though it was plastic, felt strangely satisfying - plus the head can lead me to the Nestenes. The hand probably wouldn't have worked anyway, even if I remembered to use it (but I think I managed to convince Rose that I hadn't taken one big holiday in the middle). Was a bit disappointed when she started to cry at the bigger-on-the-inside stuff, but thankfully it turns out she thinks her boyfriend is dead meat. Is he? Do I care?

Oh yeah, apparently that make ME nasty, not knowing her boyfriend is still alive. I noticed he was PLASTIC, bitch, what's your excuse? Turns out we missed the Nestenes by a mile or so, so I tried to cheer her up by pretending to be so stupid I didn't know the London Eye was being used as the transmitter. Think she bought it, and for someone so shattered by her boyfriend's death (what's his name? Ricky?), she was smiling a lot when we ran along Westminster Bridge. Insensitive bint.

She sure smells nice though.

Anyway, time to get down to business with the Nestenes. They have the chutzpah to flee to a site of their old invasions in the 1970s and then try to take over the world. If they try and bullshit me with constitutional rites, I swear I'll nuke the bastards. Got a lot of anti-plastic in a tube. Doesn't feel right without bunches of UNIT soldiers attacking Autons, though. Still, que sera sera.


ENTRY 6

Apparently carrying a weapon to a peace conference counts as bad form nowadays! Oh, well, having animated plastic wheelie bins of death is just good manners. The Nestenes sure were in a crap state though, one big blob of plastic. No tentacles, no claws, big let down. The bastards had the nerve to say I let them get nuked in the war. Did I see THEIR polymer asses at Arcadia fighting Daleks? The Neutral Consciousness, we called em. Sorry if closing the rift at Medusa meant your protein planets got knackered, but they're a hell of a lot better off than, you know, the Gelth, for example?

Then, of course, they had to find the TARDIS and it was all "didn't you kill my brother" all over again...

The Nestenes lost it and activated their army. Really wondering why the Brig let all those Autons get used as window dummies. I mean, sure without the Consciousness they're fine as window dummies, but still... I guess I'm annoyed I didn't get to see them smashing through store windows one last time. Rose was a bit annoyed too, at the whole "My boyfriend is really alive and has shat himself". God, she was tearing a chunk out at me for not caring he was dead. Can't win with some women.

Still, got out of there safely. Gave Rose the real "save yourself" act, and made sure the TARDIS was locked so she couldn't. Really annoyed Ricky kept trying though. I don't like him. And he needs to eat more fibre. But Rose saved the day with some old Buffy tricks, and we all lived happily ever after. Except the Nestene Consciousness. And all the people killed in the attack. And I doub the insurance company will help out when the London Eye collapses...

Decided to try and play it cool and beg Rose to come with me and give my empty life meaning. Came across as a bit patronizing, and somehow being groped by Ricky convinced her to stay. That's not fair. I should be allowed to present my case with a good grope. She said she was very sorry, but she had to stay and look after all her friends and family cause they were too stupid to survive without her.

Yeah, I buy that.

Left. Hope she didn't think I was crying or anything. Better off without her. Blondes are too much trouble. Mind you, she was brunette judging by her eyebrows... oh, god, now I've got her eyebrows stuck in my mind. I need something to take my mind off things.


ENTRY 7

Well, got it. The TARDIS is not happy with all the whacking with hammers and covered in melted plastic, and it's dumped me in 1980-something. The brakes failed and it's gone into the future. I'm stuck! Stuck at a really crap party. And that American guy is there, on holiday from Cardiff. Why couldn't he have stayed there? And those sunglasses look stupid. AND he groped me when he thought I was drunk.

Rang around for help but no one was home. Or willing to help. Or believed I was actually the Doctor. The Brig was certain I was another random tramp trying to con him into forking out cash. I can't believe the homeless try to pretend they're newly-regenerated Doctors to get a bit of charity.

Finally found that file Super Spy Sally Sparrow gave to me when I was younger yet an older man. Turns out this is an entire ontological paradox and I have to pose for some photos, make a video diary and write instructions under wallpaper, so young Sally Sparrow will pilot the TARDIS back through time to rescue me, and thus give Sally Sparrow the info to give me and...

Oh, God, my head aches. Not used to all this time travel.

Hang on. Time travel. I never told Rose I had time travel! Or did I? And if I did, maybe she won't agree.

Still, nothing ventured.... maybe tomorrow.


ENTRY 8

Well, twenty-attempts and I'm brave enough to try and ask Rose out again. Note to self: time machines can pull chicks. She almost knocked me over running through the doors, and Ricky didn't get a look in. She wanted to go in the future, so I took us to 2105. Realized we might be in for a Dalek invasion. Or not. Too much continuity, so I convinced Rose to let us visit the New Roman Empire. She seemed to think I wanted to impress her - as if!

The fact I decided to try and blow her mind by taking her to EarthDeath is entirely coincidental. Still, TARDIS worked like a treat and my nifty time watch got us just in time to see the sun starting to expand. That wiped the smile off her face. Which is a very nice smile, it must be said. Probably best to try and distance myself from all the alien wierdness and pretended not to be invited, and not to know everyone from that big bash on the Forest of Cheem during one of those twenty attempts.

The Moxx of Balhoun was as funny a guy as I remember. He spat on Rose and called it a gift! Crazy guy! Realized I had the perfect opportunity to cop off with Jabe in front of Rose under the claim of "air from my lungs". Then that bitch Cassandra turned up - she'd had her chin removed. Like no one would recognize her from trying to poison the Forest of Cheem, I ask you. Decided to kill her first chance I got.

Then she brought in a jukebox she thought was an iPod and played Tainted Love! I danced like I just didn't care, but it seemed to scare off Rose. Shoulda remembered the big Soft Cell renaissance didn't start till 2006 and she thinks I'm some dorky bloke. Stopped for a holiday snap from Jabe before checking up on her.

Turns out the TARDIS is rubbish - she can tell the telepathic field's in her head, translating. Must fix that, I hate explaining it. Still, she was overreacting. It's just a translator, it's not like the TARDIS has turned her into an all-powerful time goddess. Then she gave me the third degree about who I am and where I come from. Decided to play it cool. Ended up screaming at her that canon doesn't exist and Lance Parkin sucks. May have been a bit aggressive. Still, I didn't endlessly quizz HER about her life, did I? Cheered her up by added an interossiter to her phone, letting her call home. It actually worked! Give or take a few hours.

Just then the whole Platform shook so I decided to hook up with Jabe again. Turns out the Forrest of Cheem managed to tune in to watch the entire time war and she knew all about it. Started to weep like a girl, but hastily changed the subject by claiming someone was trying to sabotage the whole station. Amazingly, I was right, so no one twigged. Turns out they killed the Steward, the staff and had also locked Rose in an observation platform and turned down the sun filter. I know. Typical - she's not even a companion for an hour and she's already doomed! She's got a mouth on her, that girl...

Programmed the sabotage spiders to close in on Cassandra and blame her for it all. Turns out the Adherents of the Repeated Meme were behind it. Pointed out this means that they were just robot stooges and it WAS Cassandra. And was right - durr! She's even more stupid than I thought, and was after compensation money as well. God, she's as bad as Rose's mum. She blew up the force field generator and teleported to safety, leaving us to be roasted by the expanding fireball. Me and Jabe went to look for the override, but some dumb bastard put it behid three revolving blades. Galaxy Quest my ass.

Managed to dance around the first fan, but froze up. Ironically, Jabe did the exact opposite and burst into flames. Ouch. Still, everything has its time and everything dies. Oh, that's good. Think I'll use that. Finally managed to disco my way through the other fans and press the button. Turns out Moxxy got roasted as well. Nasty. Now seriously pissed off, I reversed the polarity, and sucked Cassandra back on board. Was going to kill her when she dried out in the head and was ripped to shreds. Her brain still works, but was too angry to explain to Rose the bitch was alive. Went looking for some of Jabe's cutting gifts, but they all got turned into dust. Bummer.

Rose was pretty awestuck and sad that the Earth exploded. Decided to take her back to 2005, Picadilly, and pointed out that technically it all exists. Worked a lot better than when I tried the same crap with Peri. Got a bit glum and noted that Gallifrey did the big firework as well, but didn't tell her about the Daleks. Still got to appear mysterious and approachable. It worked! She said, I might have lost everyone but I still had her!

RESULT!

She even offered to pay for chips! She puts way too much vinegar on them, but still, this chick is great! I feel absolutely certain there are good times ahead. Got a new girlfriend, saw a bunch of old pals incinerated and the entire Earth destroyed. All in 45 minutes! Life is so fast paced nowadays...


ENTRY 9

The TARDIS paid me back for being so spot-on the last couple of times by totally going out of control and striking some time rift. Wouldn't have minded except it ruined my street cred by claiming to arrive on schedule - we were in 1869 Cardiff not 1860 Naples. Rose wasn't impressed, and I couldn't blame her. Still managed to convince her to dress up though; she still looks like a hooker, but a contemporary hooker. Accidentally oggled her tits and called her beautiful, but covered it up quickly. Well, she didn't spot the drool, anyway, and next thing you know, there's screaming from the local theatre.

Inside, there's this blue ghost thingamagig that then explodes, having emerged from some little old lady who was then kidnapped. Rose immediately legged it after her, and I didn't have time to tell her she'd probably just had a funny turn rather than being kidnapped by undertakers. Except, well, she was. And they kidnapped Rose too. Well, I had to go and help. That made it the second time that day she'd been kindapped by psychos.

Got slightly distracted when the hairy Victorian ponce following me turned out to be Charles Dickens! Can't believe I never got his autograph, and that afternoon reading wikipedia really made come across as a total stalker. Nevertheless, he liked the idea of a carriage chase to rescue a hot teenage girl (well, who wouldn't?) and we found Rose taken to Sneed Undertakers, where the dead were coming to life. Managed to do a Shaft-style arrival, kicking down the door, rescuing Rose AND make a witty quip. I fricken rock.

Turns out there are gas-eating aliens emerging from the time rift that the undertakers' is built over, and they're inhabiting human bodies to eat all the gas from the decomposing corpses. Was a bit annoyed Dickens was calling this all a heap of crap, and the way Sneed was doing his "I'm just a little Welshman" when he and Gwyneth the maid are SO shagging, after he kidnaps Rose and leaves her at mercy of homicidal corpses. Come to think of it, these homicidal aliens seem a bit rough for the wimps they claim to be... and they're the Gelth! Would you believe it, the Gelth survived certain death and turned into gas monsters. In 1869. Who just so happen to be needing help when I turn up. The only person to know of the Gelth and the Time War. And with a telepathic serving maid.

Decided to play it cool and pretend I fell for this cock-and-bull story. Had to slag off Rose when she disagreed, because the "Gelth" were using Gwynny as a kind of spyware. Like I would accept the idea of corpse recycling. Eww. Disgusting. Still, managed to come across as alien and amoral. Good one. Went to the morge to open the rift to see what the hell the "Gelth" were up to really.

Turns out they wanted to invade the Earth and destroy humanity. I was amazed at how predictable it was, but I think Rose thinks I fell for it hook line and sinker. Charles Dickens then ran off and left us to die as Sneed got turned into a zombie and left us in George A Romeroland. Son of a bitch. Never voting HIM my favorite Britain ever again... but Charlie Boy came back and flooded the undertakers with gas. The Gelth-gas-eaters quit the corpses and tucked in, and while they were distracted, I managed to get Gwyneth to blow them all up. And herself, but she really was one of those 'I have no life let me save others' type. Probably the exploding rift is what brought us here anyway. I hate paradoxes, which is why I ignored the American bloke when he turned up again in a flash of light shouting for me. Let future me sort it out. Plus, I didn't need him pulling the moves on my bird.

Said goodbye to Charles Dickens and told him how his books would be read forever. Decided not to break the news he'd never be as good as Agatha Christie though. He's decided to novelize this story in book Edwin Droog, but luckily he'll kark it before any timelines get damaged. And he thought me and Rose were going into the TARDIS for a good bonking - we weren't, but great idea, huh?

Decided to show Rose round the TARDIS tonight. Managed to hide most of the bras and panties in the first bedroom before Rose got in. But all the posters of hot 20th century boy bands might give away she's not the first girl in my life. Mind you, she might be the first I could get it on with.

That wasn't a giant fish, anyway...


ENTRY 10

Tried to use the TARDIS for a proper visit in time and we ended up back in London in Victorian times. Got rather drunk. Barely remember most of it.

We met some total nutters - one said he was an exiled prince and his pal was an evil kidnapper, and the pal said he was a psychiatrist and the 'exiled prince' was a psycho. Except they were both really robots and the real exiled prince was an alien or something. I liked the alien. We chatted about UNIT dating for a bit. I think. Turns out there's an alien using clockwork robots or some stuff like that, because clockwork technology doesn't show up on scans. And the whole thing was like The 39 Steps. We even had to race to Big Ben to stop a firestorm. Oh, and there was this little hemaphilic kid who nearly died on us. I think he was an exiled prince as well. Was so utterly wasted I gave him my leather jacket as a present. Remembered at the last second and went back and nicked it off the little punk. Told Rose I had a spare. Don't think she believed me.

Not half as sober as I'm pretending to be. She wants to go home for some clean underwear or something, so I set the TARDIS to go 12 minutes after we left. Or was it 12 hours? I forget. What is in the local plonk here?! I can barely see straight...


ENTRY 11

Have sobered up slightly. Slightly too late. Have put my foot in it. In fact, both feet, legs, arms and everything below my bloodshot blue... are they still blue? Yeah, blue... eyes.

The TARDIS arrived at Rose's housing estate perfectly. Except it wasn't 12 hours after we left, but 12 months. I know that because I spotted "Have You Seen Rose Tyler Last Seen 12 Months Ago?" posters everywhere. Tried to catch up with Rose to explain but her horrid mother was already screaming and raving and blaming ME for everything under the sun, calling in the police. I thought about complaining about her sexually harrassing me, but the copper pointed out that it was a year and a day since the assault happened and legally, I didn't have a leg to stand on. Must have been drunk, I believed him utterly.

Me and Rose claimed we were working together for the last year and travelled without ever once contacting anyone and anything over the last year. Was rather dispirited at how eagerly Rose denied the idea that her and me were shagging (had to agree with her, or might have seemed kinky), and didn't realize how pissed off Rose's mum was. Until she whacked me and I ran screaming to the bathroom to be a) sick and b) check I still had the same face. Was certain I would have regenerated after a blow like that... or was it just the hangover?

Either way, very achy and sober. Rose has twigged that we can't unhappen this. Of course, we could go back in time and save her mum all this heartache and just get her to PRETEND to do this all so we live through events, but I'm not up for it, I really am not. Glad Rose didn't twig it. Accidentally let slip I've been TARDIS travelling for 900 years. She thought I meant I was 900 years old, so I went along with it. Saying you're over a thousand can really put a crimp on the relationship, and she's already calling me gay. ME!

Then a UFO crashed into Big Ben and ditched into the Thames.

Don't remember that happening, but with my head the way it is, I can barely remember my name. Still, first contact with alien life has distracted Mother From Hell and everyone's rushing in to say hello to Rose. Decided to blank out in front of the TV until I fully sober up, watching retrospectives about all the other alien invasions Britain's passed off lately. Seriously, how many times can Cybermen invade before they get the message?


ENTRY 12

Fully sober and sick of fighting with kids for the remote. The UFO pilot was taken to Albion Hospital and wanted to leave before Ricky turned up. Rose clearly has issues - how many times has she told me not to disappear or run off or anything. Gave her a TARDIS key to show how committed I was. Hope she doesn't think it's the only key, because I promptly legged it back to the TARDIS to check out the alien. And I also vented a few frustrations out on the console. Stupid thing.

Anyway, arrived at the hospital to find UNIT in control and a pig on the loose. An alien pig in a spacesuit, ain't seen that before, but some trigger-happy bastard shot it through the head. Poor piggy. Benton wouldn't have been so porcinaphobic. Checked the autopsy out with a hot Asian babe called Toshiko Sato working for something called Touchwood or another - turns out the pig is an Earth pig, cybernetically altered. So there are real aliens FAKING other aliens. She got quite caught up in that idea, and I think I left before she finally worked it out. Cute, but she's not really TARDIS material. She'd probably be Catholic but grateful.

Returned to the Powell Estate to find Rose, Ricky and her mum waiting for me and generally looking pissed off. Told Rose I do not do domestic, as it's a lot politer than "your family and friends and everyone you know are ugly ape-descended bastards I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire". Mum ran out but Ricky is blaming ME for absolutely everything that's happened to him. Honestly, he seems to think I haven't been falsely accused of murder myself. Half of human legal history is me being falsely accused of murder. He got off lightly. And what does he do, he cyber-stalks me! AND he's so wasted he's claiming he's actually called "Mickey"... I mean, that's a MUCH better name than Ricky.

Might as well make use of him, so decided to use him as a taxi service to investigate the ship itself.

One drawback, Rose's bitch of a mother has sold us out to the ultra-paranoid English police force. Really should have got round to convincing the Brig I'm the latest Doctor. And what does "oh, my life is crap" Ricky do when we're surrounded by cops and helicopters? Hides in a bin! At least I know Rose's boyfriends are no intellectual (or sexual) threat. Not that it helps with all the guns and zero alien tolerance...


ENTRY 13

OK. Even for me, this has been a hectic day. I have gone from hunted alien fugitive to respected alien expert whisked to 10 Downing Street to join the UNIT posse to being hunted alien fugitive again. Once again, I showed off my amazing brilliance to bunch of jerks who never live to tell the tale - why did aliens deliberately put Earth on Red Alert? To gather all the alien experts in one place and kill them with ID cards! And these bodysnatching alien scum have killed Tony Blair! Which is... wrong. Probably. Now Rose and I are locked in the cabinet room, but there's no point trying to put on the charm. This lady called Harriet Jones is around, nice enough but BOY does she kill the mood!

So, then Ricky starts texting us saying the aliens are after him and Rose's mum - another point to the green baby-faced parasites. Still, Rose made it quite clear that after the 12 month incident, me getting her loved ones murdered would be a real bugger. So, I quickly regained my brownie points by working out a way to kill the aliens. I knew right away they were Raxicoricofallapatorians, but pretended to 'deduce' this from all the info I got the others to tell me, so it looked like my amazing brain had found the answer. Rather than wikipedia. Again. Cool huh?

It turns out these Raxicoricofallapatorians are a family called Slitheen and they intend to beat the galactic recession by triggering a nuclear war on Earth, turning into radioactive waste to fuel ships for profit. I decided to try and freak the aliens out by looking hard and dark and dangerous. They laughed in my face. Bastards. They deserve to die. So I told Ricky to use the UNIT website to launch a missile at 10 Downing Street, destroying all the aliens before they can trigger WW3. Of course, I'd be all right - at worse, I'd lose this butt ugly face for something nicer, but I'd end up sacrificing my companions. Again. I tried to suggest to Rose we spend our last few minutes shagging, but Miss Jones was putting me off. They probably thought I was gripped with indecision. Rather than revulsion.

Anyway, we all survived but the Slitheen were toast. Turns out Harriet Jones is THE Harriet Jones, Architect of Britian's Golden Age, Defeater of the Sycorax and ousted out of office after Christmas 2006 where she makes a public appeal for me to save her sorry ass. I decided not to tell Rose that last bit, keep it as a surprise. Anyway, I told Ricky to use a CD to erase every reference of me from the internet. Let UNIT think I bought it in the explosion, the pig-killing scumbags aren't worthy of me saving them. I spun Rose a yarn about flying through supernovae and she fell hook line and sinker. I offered Ricky the chance, absolutely certain he'd turn it down! And he did! Fantastic! And since he doesn't want Rose to know what a coward he is, I get to pretend that I am mindlessly prejudiced against him and hate his guts! "Pretend" might be too strong a word.

Rose promised her mum I could pilot the TARDIS back in ten seconds so for her we wouldn't be gone any time at all after we visited lots of different alien planets and bollocks like that. Yeah, cause we would REALLY want to come home to Jackie Tyler.

10 seconds?

As if.

to be continued...