If *Ron Mallet* Had Written The Twin Dilemma...

Nigel: You gotta be kidding me! We're not reading ANOTHER one of these mental turds smeared across the internet!
Andrew: Do you have anything better to do?
Dave: I can't think of anything worse. Watching paint dry seems pretty productive in comparison.
Andrew: Come on, its Ronny's "true debut for the Sixth Doctor Who" - don't you want to see what it's like?
Dave: In a way. But in a way I want to see that if you cut off someone's face you can spot the sinuses. It's a morbid curiosity, Andrew.
Nigel: Yeah. No chance.
Andrew: Fine.
Nigel: What?
Andrew: Fine. You don't want to read it, go ahead.
Nigel: You think I can't handle it.
Andrew: We're all perfectly aware of what I think about you, Nigel.
Nigel: Fine. Let's do it.
Dave: Nigel...
Nigel: STOP DOUBTING MY ABILITY, DAVE!


Tangent: Earth
D: So the story is about going off on a completely random angle and arriving at... Earth. What a tangent.
A: Don't be so obtuse!
N: Be more acute.
D: Sorry, it's just a reflex.
A: ... I don't know any other trigonometry gags.
N: Me niether.
D: Guess we're just delaying the inevitable.
N: Maybe the title refers to Earth ITSELF going off on a tangent? A deviation of some sort?
A: You mean it's going to be parallel universe?
N: ... Dave, stop headbutting the table, you'll leave a mark!

By Ron Mallett
N: Two ts? I don't remember that.
A: He isn't particularly memorable.
D: Oh, but he IS...

Peri was watching The Doctor with fascination.
D: Peri's easily pleased.
A: What's the Doctor doing with fascination? Is it something dirty?
N: Wasn't Fascination that story where Peri becomes a drunken slut thanks to black magic?
D: Maybe Pei's going to become a drunken slut here!
A: Yes, but this time it'll be down to bad writing.

How could one person transform into another before her eyes?
D: Well, she's been paying attention.
N: Wasn't she curled up in the fetal position when it happened? Hardly in front of her eyes.
A: I'm more worried that Peri asks this question of the audience... and then nothing. She doesn't even dwell on the change or anything like that and we, the audience, are supposed to know more than her.
D: But... we do.
N: That's not the point.
A: What is the point?
D: That there is no way this story can be better than Twin Dilemma.

His curly mop of blonde hair was now covering the main computer terminal.
N: How long is his damn hair?!
A: My God, the New Doctor is Cousin Itt!
D: Maybe he has an actual MOP for cleaning that uses blonde hair, and he's wiping down the terminal?
A: That suggests something REALLY dirty happened.
N: "Mmm. New internet porn. That's wierd!"
A: Blonde is for GIRLS, blond is for BOYS! WHY DOES NOONE REMEMBER THAT!

"Could you read out those numbers on the screen in front of you Peri?" He asked in his new fruity voice, looking up at last.
D: How can she read them? Your damn mop is covering it?
N: Well, Peri can just MOVE the damn mop!
A: Honestly, the Doctor didn't even ask please!
N: He doesn't seem bothered by his regeneration, does he? Or the fact he's wearing the soiled ill-fitting clothes of Davo? Where's the cheerful egomania?
A: Don't worry, Nigel, you more than make up for it.
N: Thanks! ...hey!

Seemingly pleased that she now had some task to perform Peri leapt over
A: "Seemingly pleased"? Ronny is terrified of getting into the heads of his characters, isn't he?
N: Peri likes doing work huh? The pampered teen princess likes doing mindless tasks, huh?
A: Maybe if she was eager to help, or maybe scared of the new Doctor...
D: Don't make excuses. This is rubbish.

and answered:
"8935..."
"8935..." he echoed.
"7834..." Peri continued.
"7894..." he answered.
"No wait I said..."
N: Oh, thrilling.
D: I've always wanted to have a story where people misread phone numbers, don't you?
A: I wonder who that phone number is for?
N: Just a sec. 8935 7834... Hello? ARGH!
D: What?
N: It's HIM! RON FUCKING MALLET!
D: Hang up! Hang up! Hang up!
N: I CAN FEEL HIS RANCID BREATH ON MY CHEEK!
A: I can sense his rancid imagination, using his phone number to compose coordinates. Goddamn, you think he could make up something with ten whole digits to choose from...

The TARDIS seemed to jump mid-flight
N: ...and crossed the hurdle! Yay!
D: I think he means "jump IN mid-flight".
A: MORE "seems"! GAH!!
D: It's coming apart at the seems!
N: Oh har har.

and both of its occupants were tossed around the console room, narrowly missing colliding with each other.
N: They must not touch!
D: Why, will the universe explode?
N: Mary Whitehouse will!
D: ...still not seeing any problems.
A: Malfunctioning TARDISes. Could this lead to TANGENT: EARTH!
N: I'm surprised that Ronny Boy isn't saying RTD ripped him off for this in Rise of the Cybermen.
D: He does.
N: Oh, well, that makes perfect sense.

"Sorry Doctor... that wasn't me was it?"
A: No, you'll find it was the Doctor, who misheard you and didn't check.

"Well of course it was you stupid girl...
D: What a wanker!
A: Is this what triggers the strangling?
N: What? Peri strangling the Doctor? That would be a turn up...

you could have killed us both!" He yelled.
D: "And I'm only four minutes old!"
N: Wow. It's like Pudsey Cutaway... with all the interesting stuff ripped out.
A: I bet the Doctor doesn't start vomiting time vortex everywhere either.
D: Or start hoping.
N: In fact, in his first scene, the Doctor does something stupid and blames Peri. Is that worse than The Twin Dilemma where he puts up with some terribly ungrateful abuse from the bint and shrugs it off?
A: No.
N: And are we surprised?
D: No.
N: Anthony Stevens - writer of officially the worst Doctor Who story ever. STILL better than Mallet.
All: Amen.

The Doctor said nothing more as he got to his feet to make sure the TARDIS was still functioning properly.
A: Uh, you're ALIVE aren't you? Doesn't that suggest it's working?
D: Why was he doing such a dangerous thing in mid-flight?
A: Maybe the Fifth Doctor accidentally piloted it into a Black Hole.
D: He was trying to prevent this story from happening.
N: Damnit, Davo, you were a hero right to the bitter end! Still... This doesn't feel at all convincing. If the Doctor and Peri fell over, there should be detailed descriptions of Peri's heaving bosom as she recovers from the shock. It just doesn't feel right somehow?
A: No Hanky-Pany In The TARDIS?
N: No. You Can Look But You Can't Touch.
A: Unless strangling is involved!
D: Yeah, go on Peri, throttle the bastard!

Peri felt that his silence hurt more than his berating comment had.
N: At least he isn't strangling her.
A: What an asshole the new Doctor is. He didn't even tell her the numbers were important!
D: Come on, Peri, would you have put up with this from Number Five? Strangle him!
A: I bet she wishes Sharaz Jek was still around. At least HE doesn't wave mops around and pointlessly blame her for his own mistakes.
N: I tell ya, THAT would have been interesting in Twin Dilemma. Imagine if it was up to Sharaz Jek to stop Mestor and save the twins...
A: ...Wouldn't have been much different, really.
D: "You stinking bag of offal, Mestor, LOOK AT ME!!!"

Anyway it had been his mistake, he hadn't heard her correctly.
N: At last!
A: Stand up for yourself girl!
D: STRANGLE HIM!!

"Are we okay Doctor?" She asked carefully.
N: ...playing coyly with her hair as she pouted. "Are you mad at me Daddy?"
D: That's it Peri, twist the knife through both hearts. Now strangle him!
A: I assume she's talking about their relationship. I mean, if they weren't OK, there'd be fires and hull breaches and stuff.
D: Aw, that's so cute!

The Doctor looked up and spoke calmly:
N: He must get a crick in his neck with all this looking up.
A: HOW calm is he? Serene Bill Bailey calm or straightjacked Arnold Rimmer calm?
D: Think Locutus of the Borg calm.
N: What?!
D: Oh, sorry, uh, SV7 calm.
N: Better!

"Yes I think so...it can be very dangerous to miscalculate in the TARDIS!"
N: Bollocks. It's only if you program it on that miscalculation can it be in any danger.
D: What's the worst that can happen? You arrive somewhere different?
A: Must be his new persona rejecting his wandering lifestyle.
N: Must be Mallet the Hack screwing up basic fundamental parts of the mythos.

"Where are we?"
"As far as I can tell, still in your galaxy... I think we might call in on Earth before we set off properly... landing somewhere familiar will help me to recalibrate the systems..."
N: Recalibration? Arguments? TARDIS malfunctioning? This is just like Rise of the Cybermen!
A: Except, you know, crap.


D: They still haven't visited a different dimension though. Or done any strangling. What a let down.

Deep in the unmapped caverns of the Earth, something was stirring.
A: A mouse!
N: Huh?
A: It's a mouse. They're notorious for stirring.
D: "Mmm. Dreams of cheese..."

A large canister about the size of a man began to fume and split open.
A: "God damn!" the canister fumes. "I feel like I'm going to split open!"
D: Surely the canister is "man-sized" not "large". Unless it's the size of a large man.
N: Surely the cannister is bigger than a man so a man can fit inside it!
D: Unless the thing inside is smaller than a man.
A: Like a mouse.
N: Shut up!

From the canister emerged a humanoid reptile.
N: Oh, God.
D: So it WAS a humanoid reptile? Not just something that seemed to be a humanoid reptile?
A: Ronny don't pull his punches tonight!

Its face reminiscent of a fish, and its body was scaled like that of a lizard.
N: How many fish do you see with faces like a Silurian?
D: Maybe it's a Sea Devil.
A: Sea Devil have turtle faces, dummy.
N: Oh yeah. Maybe it's one of those mutant hybrids from Scales of Injustice.
A: Maybe it's just a stupid description?

The stride of the creature was just purposeful enough to betray a certain arrogant air of superiority.
A: You can by the way I purposefully walk that I'm superior to man!
D: No time to talk!
N: Ah-hah-hah-hah!
All: Superiority complex! Arrogant air! Betrayal of!

The reptile inspected two other similar canisters and operated the machinery necessary to activate them.
A: Lucky he didn't trip over his purposeful feet and break his neck. Otherwise they were screwed.
N: I thought Silurian bunkers revived automatically?
D: How many of these canisters are there?
N: And shouldn't they be lying on the ground? Shouldn't the reptile dude be a bit groggy?
A: Silurian Coffee is beyond your comprehension, ape primitive!
N: Is that a quote?
A: Yeah.
N: Who said it?
A: That guy who served us at Starbucks.
N: Even the Silurian bit?
A: Yep, he said that too.
D: What a strange person.

The creature was soon joined by a nearly identical organism.
N: The only telltale clue was the polka-dot cravat and the eyepatch.
D: Apart from that, they could have been brothers.
N: They could have married the local twin sisters and lived whacky lives in a seaside bookshop.
A: Oh, what MIGHT have been!

"Something has caused the timing mechanisms to malfunction!" The original creature reflected.
N: "Timing malfunction... the Master! He's out there! WE'VE GOT TO STOP... gak!"
D: I know what caused that malfunction! It's in Bloodtide! Let's listen to that instead!
A: You know, lizard man is very excited if he needs exclaimation marks just to reflect...

Its voice had a resonating, nasal quality and it spoke in its own dialect.
A: Which, tragically no one in the world understood.
D: Like Ling-Ling, the lizard man only spoke a strange gibberish it developed with its dead twin.
N: Who was also the looker out of the two.

"The systems were reactivated by one of our own security signals!" The second reptile responded.
A: Hoping, desperately that this was what that specific gibberish had been referring to.
N: They're so damn excited!
D: At this rate they'll start strangling each other!

"That is impossible Tobok," the first insisted, "only our race have the technology necessary to achieve that."
N: Yeah, cause, like, spending millennia in suspended animation, NOTHING is going to change.
A: They kept banging the rocks together, guys, and now they gotta technology!
N: It's the circle of life!
D: Let's watch The Lion King!

"We have overslept for several million years Jutzhar - perhaps this planet has been colonised by an alien species?"
N: But what species would be bold enough?
A: Yes, who could have the chutzpah, Jutzhar?
N: Several million years. Evolution? Never!
A: I hope it's the Cybermen. Cybermen versus Silurians!
D: Let's read The Steel Nursery!

The third member of the trio emerged from its canister amid a puff of steam.
N: So it was only a duo until he arrived?
D: The newcomer stared through the smoke. "Maaaan, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stoned!"
A: All Reptile Men are drug addled losers. Did Mallet not watch Warriors of the Deep?

"Are you well Myrak?" Tobok asked.
A: Ronny's not good at coming up with new names is he?
N: Myrak stares at Tobok and shouts, "ASTRA!!!"
A: Tobok ignored him.
D: Since, after all, Tobok only spoke gibberish and no one understood him.

"I am well Tobok - the triad can now come to order."
A: Yeah, cause they were at each other's throats till you turned up, dude.
D: Strangle strangle strangle! NOT ENOUGH STRANGLING!
N: Where's Icthar?
A: He's too good to be caught in crap like this?

"Our sensors indicate that our cousins beneath the oceans are still cryogenically frozen," Jutzhar reported from a nearby terminal.
A: Jutzhar has the chutzpah to just announce stuff gratuitously!
D: They don't have names for Sea Devils?
N: I thought it was just "Sea Dwellers" or maybe Devils for the warriors...
A: How come the place is working perfectly after millions of years? Even if they're lucky enough to be directly under some kind of nuclear power station they can drain the energy off, well, there's bound to be odd breakages over the ice ages?

"We need to learn if this planet is now inhabited and of the situation of our brother species," Tobok declared.
D: Oh, he DO declare!
A: Huh? The two things you've already established is that there is another civilization on Earth and that the Sea Devils are still frozen! Are you paying attention?
N: Guess Tobok really DOES speak a different language...
A: Come on, the writer should have noticed they sorted out the "to do list" already!
N: Yes, but not officially.
D: What?!
N: Jutzhar dived in with that info before being asked. This is politics, damn it! There is a procedure!
D: Oh god, just strangle someone!

The Doctor operated the scanner:
D: You mean, he switched it on?
A: But operated sounds cooler and more dangerous and American!
N: Couldn't we compromise with just "opening" the scanner?
A: Maybe he operated ON the scanner?
N: What? Removed its liver or something?
D: Maybe it was a really irritating bit of grit?
A: Yeah, why not? You could mistake that for a black hole if you weren't careful.

"Ah, perfect...
A: Oh, that's not a good sign.
N: So, despite all that malfunctioning, the TARDIS arrives where you want it to? I'd be suspicious.
D: Yeah, it only works that well when it gets the wrong dimension!

Hyde Park, London.
A: No, Mallet's never been to London, why do you ask?
D: "It's just the Thames, a park and an airport - the rest is just propaganda!"
A: Why did the Doctor want to visit Hyde Park anyway?
D: Maybe he needs some hellish wilderness, some utterly comfortless place to suffer!
N: "Hyde Park! Oh, thou craggy KNOB!!!! That swims upon the oceans of the hermaments! RECIEVE THIS WEARY PENITANT..."
A: "D'you mind? Go to a homeless shelter, you bum!"
D: "Bum? Bum?! BUM?!?"
A: "STOP HALLUCINATING, YOU DRUG ADDICT!"
N: "A THOUSAND CURSES ON YOUR HEAD!"
D: And cue the strangling!
A: We really HAVE been harsh on Twin Dilemma, haven't we?

We'll slip in,
D: Eww!
A: "Slip in"? That just sounds so wrong!
N: I think he means "pop out".
D: Ewwww! Mallet Freudien slip!
A: Don't think about it Dave. Don't let it get a hold of your mind!
N: Think about Peri popping out! Heh. Sweet, sweet candy.

get some idea of the time zone and be on our way again...
D: Hmmm. Well, judging by the scanner, it's at some point between Hyde Park existing and being blown up in the Year 5 billion...
A: Why does he want to know the date when he doesn't want to stay?
N: So the New Doctor isn't interested in visiting places? Who is this asswipe?!
A: Wait, he can tell it's Hyde Park, but not when? Is the console broken?
D: Maybe it has and they just arrived right in front of a sign saying "HYDE PARK" and that's filled up the scanner?
N: What is on the scanner anyway?
D: Yeah, Ronny, you're losing stuff in the gaps... and replacing them with revolting double intendres.


I'd like to show you the Eye of Orion before you return to your studies..."
A: "That's the only reason I haven't killed you yet. I want to see you on a wet hillside by a run down church. Then, I will have finished with you and you may go."
D: "Good! I hate you, you freak!"
N: So, the new Doctor doesn't want a companion.
A: Or even someone to show off to.
N: And despite the fact Ronny considers Erimem canon, he has no interest in Peri.
D: Beyond showing her the Eye of Orion.
N: Because there is nothing else in the entire fucking universe worth looking at.
D: And Peri's three months have apparently been used up in less than two days.
A: ...Jesus Christ.

"Wow, I've never been to London before!" Peri replied.
D: "Except for all those missing adventures where we were like friends!"
A: Doesn't Peri say her first visit to London is in Attack of the Cybermen?
N: Well, maybe she says that EVERY SINGLE TIME they visit London, like a running gag.
D: Don't excuse this crap!
A: OK, maybe she revises her comment because, you know, she's visiting London in HER universe.


The Doctor rubbed his cat pendant and operated the door.
D: What!? He's wearing cricket whites, isn't he? Did he just use the Goodies' instant clothing booth?
N: This is BAD! Why is he rubbing the pendant if not for good luck? Why does he need good luck? That whole sentence exists ONLY to make the story look worse!
A: "Operated the door"? Is Mallet scared of the word "opened"?
D: Or is it the word "control?"

"What year is it Doctor?"
D: Is she DELIBERATELY trying to get him to strangle her?
A: Maybe she wasn't listening but was too busy being fascinated in looking at him?
D: Considering his entire outfit changed, it's reasonable she'd be distracted.
N: Especially if she hadn't seen that tuxedo from Hades before... she's probably been traumatized.
A: I dunno. The Doctor totally blanked her when she said she'd never been to London before, so maybe she's blanking him now?
D: This will end in attempted murder...

"That's what I want to be clear on. The chronometer
N: You mean the "YEAROMETER", you n00b!

tells me its 1984...
A: "...yet Big Brother is not watching us! I can sense some massive danger threatening the universe!"
D: "The life force itself is in danger of extinction!"
A: "And only you and I Peri can prevent it!"
D: "...how?"
N: "Oh. Well. I dunno. Guess we're all fucked then."

but I want to check...
D: Check?
A: Check!
N: He wants a Czeck? Is he on the pull or something?

the TARDIS can be a little temperamental sometimes poor old thing!"
D: Especially when a total bastard is at the controls, making stupid mistakes, blaming teenage girls for it and refusing to accept responsibility...
A: Temperamental? The TARDIS arrived where you asked it go!
N: And even if it WAS playing up, it does TEND to stay in the same goddamned universe!

"You mean you can't control it!"
A: What gave it away?
N: Like the fact it bucked like a horse in your first story?
A: The one where the Master called it a piece of crap the Doctor couldn't pilot?
D: And then it went out of control at the start of this story?
N: It's clearly the sight of the Coat - it's blowing her mind.
D: She's right to be upset. He blamed HER for it going wrong when he was to blame, and couldn't control it anyway. He basically admits he was picking on her and doesn't apologize.
N: Doctor Who, you bastard...

The Doctor looked hurt: "Well of course I can... but its not as simple as that.
N: Uh, yes it is, dumbass!
A: He can't even get apostrophes in the right place. It IS not as simple, not ITS not as simple!
D: He has the temerity to look hurt when she reasonably freaks out at the idea her safety is entirely in the hands of a guy who rubs a cat badge for good luck!

She needs coaxing and persuading.
N: That's ripped off from The Five Doctors!
A: Has there been ANY original dialogue in this story so far?
D: Uh... does the telephone number count?
N: No.
D: Oh, well, then nothing, I guess.

The TARDIS isn't just a machine you know."
D: So, then, what the hell is it? A Time animal?!
A: So, not only can you NOT control the TARDIS, you can't even define it.
N: "What sort of transport is this where you need to butter it up?"
D: "It's MY sort of transport, Perpugilliam! You want me to strangle you?!"


And with that he walked out.
A: Realizing that if he stayed, he'd look like an even bigger moron.
D: Yet, by leaving he comes across as a jerk who can't win the argument.
A: Yes, but if he stayed he would have PROVED he was a jerk. This gives an air of mystery.
N: Excuse me, they've been standing in front of the open doors all that time! They didn't even leave the TARDIS! GAH!


Peri looked around her suspiciously and followed him out.
A: Why suspicious?
D: Obviously her trust in the time machine is dented since it's not actually a machine.
A: Or reliable.
N: So she decides to act aggressive and suspicious. Yeah, that so counts as "coaxing" and "persuading" that the TARDIS needs.
N: According to the New Doctor. And would YOU trust this arrogant, cowardly asshole?
D: Man, I wish Erimem was here.
A: No. Mallett destroying TWO well-known characters is enough...

At a typical military signal station,
A: So typical we won't describe it in any detail at all.
N: Yeah, everyone's been to a military signal station. Would you describe a toilet? Everyone knows what it's like.
D: I don't.
N: Freak.
D: Is that like a signal box for trains?
A: Have you seen one of them?
D: Only in Monty Python. There was a gorilla beating up Terry Jones.
N: Awesome.


a young officer was listening carefully to background static.
D: So carefully he did not hear the approach of the psychotic ape...
A: Is this young officer typical? Listening carefully in a typical way to the typical background of typical static?
N: "Argh! My life is so typical! I want excitement! Adventure! Really wild things!"
D: How about wrestling a gorilla?
N: Well, it's a start.
D: RAH!
N: Argh!


All at once he straightened.
D: "Hah! It takes more than a typical psycho ape to get the better of Typical Young Officer!"
N: "The Typicality That Walks Like A Man!"
A: "Typicality"?
N: Ok, uh, typicalness? Typicalnocity?

"Brigadier... there's that signal again!"
D: Is that the gorilla talking?
A: Maybe the gorilla wants the bamboo.
N: What bamboo?
A: The bamboo Typical Young Officer sat down on, hence his straightening.
D: Do typical young officers slouch at work?
A: Then they get typically courtmartialed and debagged.
D: Typical.
N: Wait a minute, he said BRIGADIER!!!
A: ... so? There are Brigadiers NOT played by Nicholas Courtney.
D: Yeah, but they're crap.
N: That's as maybe, but Mawdryn Undead shows that the Brig has been retired for the last seven years.
A: Yeah, why would he go back to soldiering?
D: Maybe because, I dunno, he finally got over his nervous breakthrough?
A: Maybe he missed Turlough.
N: I wonder if Turlough will turn up?

Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart
N: Holy fuck.
A: Ronny, why do you expect the reader will be interested in his middle name?
D: I don't get this. If it was fan only, we wouldn't need the name. If was casual reader, it wouldn't make sense anyway.

A: I know everyone wants the Sixth Doctor to meet the Brig, but come on!
D: The Brigadier and the Silurians and the new Doctor AND another dimension?
N: This sounds suspiciously familiar...



strode over with his baton under his arm.
D: Why does he need a baton indoors?
N: Don't knock it, man, that baton loved him more than any HUMAN woman.
A: Don't be disgusting. He obviously uses the baton on Typical Young Officers who slouch.
D: And the baton is made of bamboo. Hence the Gorilla.
A: "Get your hands off me you damned dirty ape! Five rounds rapid!"


His neatly trimmed moustache had begun to grey in recent years, but he was still the epitome of the British soldier.
A: A typical British soldier?
N: He must be in his sixties! Why hasn't he retired? Hell, why hasn't he been promoted?!
A: And considering how long he let his hair grow in the 1970s, he should be in a punk mohawk and sunglasses.
D: Brigadier "Ali G" Lethbridge-Stewart is in da house!

"Put it on the loud speakers," he ordered.
A: "What?!"
N: "PUT IT ON THE LOUD SPEAKERS!"
A: "What?!"
N: "ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING?!"
A: "Half past three!"

The signal echoed across the room in an instant.
A: Well, that is impressive. Typical Young Officer didn't even switch the bloody thing on.
D: Is there anyone else in this typical military signal station apart from the Brig, TYO and the Gorilla?


It was a high pitched garble of clucks and bocks repeating itself in a clear pattern.
D: ..."clucks" and "bocks"... oh-kaaaaaaaaaaaay.
N: My God... the Chicken-Speaking Creatures from the Acteon group have returned!
A: Yes, that garbled clucking noise is a declaration of war!
D: But little do the Chicken-Speaking Creatures from the Acteon group realize their immortal enemy is already on the same planet.
N: YOU DON'T MEAN....!??!
D: Yes. The Gorrilla!
A: Whoever wins... we lose...

"Its definitely a code of some kind," the radio officer retorted in a French accent.
D: "Iz definartly a cowd of zum karnd - you stoopid EEnglish kaniggets!!"
A: Retorted? Did someone insult him?
D: Some French person, hence the mockery.
N: Yes, surely the radio officer would speak in their own accent rather than someone else's.
A: Only a moron would want the radio officer to be French and phrase the sentence that way.
N: Paging Mr Mallet...

"Like no signal I've ever heard Corporal.
A: Which one's the Corporal? TYO or Euroskeptic?
D: Maybe it's the gorilla?
N: He seems the most professional of the lot.
D: Assuming it's not the gorilla speaking.
N: Why would it be the gorilla?
A: Why wouldn't it be?
N: Point.


I want our scientific advisor brought in on this immediately!"
A: But Bernard Quatermass refuses to answer his phone!
N: That bastard! Did that weekend in Brighton mean nothing?! DAMN YOU, BERNARD! DAMN YOU - AND YOUR BRITISH ROCKET GROUP - ALL THE WAY TO HELL!
D: Ok, bring in Dirk Gently STAT!
A: If they've heard this signal before - and presumably that's why the Brig is there - why, pray tell, isn't the scientific advisor already involved?
N: Hmmm. The scientific advisor is suspicious by his absence. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
D: I'm hungry.
N: OK, you weren't thinking what I'm thinking. I'll take that on board.

The Doctor and Peri had made their way out of Hyde Park and were now wandering around central London.
D: As you do.
N: They did not exchange a word, since to do so would involve, you know, them having something to talk about and everyone knows there is nothing worth talking about in Hyde Park and central London for a botany student and a Time Lord.
A: "Yes, Peri, they're flowers! Get over it!"
D: Strangle him, Peri, strangle him!!!


"It is London Doctor... isn't it?"
D: What gave it away? The Houses of Parliament? Big Ben? Hyde Park? The Thames?!
N: They've walked all the way through Central London, and not only does Peri need this patent fact confirming, the Doctor hasn't actually confirmed it?
A: All Peri seems to do is question established facts. Which suggests Ronny wants us to disestablish those facts.
D: Why did he establish them in the first place if he wasn't certain?
N: How should we know?!

"Well, it certainly seems like it," he pondered.
D: Give me strength. Saying "yes" doesn't count as pondering!
A: "SEEMS" like?! EITHER IT IS OR IT ISN'T! What is there to suggest it isn't?
D: Zeppelins?
N: Big Ben digital?
D: Humans replaced by gorillas?
A: Apart from the humans replaced by gorillas, digital Big Ben and the zeppelins?

"Perhaps we've landed a few years in my future... that might account for some of the weirdness," Peri speculated as she stared at a youth wandering past in bright orange pants two sizes too big for him at least!
N: TWO sizes too big?! Bright orange pants! Egads! Get the vicar!!
A: So, one teenager in strange clothes in a country she's never been in counts as weird enough to think a) it's not London and b) it's not 1984.
D: "Weirdness"?!
A: 1980s fashions.
D: Yeah, but still...
N: It seems the Doctor's back to his cricket whites since no one's noticed his coat.
D: Now, THAT is wierd.

The Doctor walked up to a newsstand and with great difficulty found appropriate change (for planet, country and time) in order to buy a newspaper.
N: He's stingy as well as being an argumentative irresponsible lying bastard. My childhood hero, ladies and gentlemen.
D: Surely he can speed read the newspaper in a second, so he just needed to say "What's the headline?"
A: Maybe the Wierdness includes a lack of headlines?
N: So the Doctor was sure enough for the planet, country and time to fork out the cash?

"No - it is 1984. Something doesn't quite fit though!"
D: Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikeeeeee?
A: He's paranoid too. I hate this guy. At least in Twin he was an entertaining lunatic.
N: Yeah. This first episode has the Doctor insult Peri and buy a newspaper. Twin has him attack Peri, go insane, become a hermit, rescue a guy from an exploding spacecraft and save his life PLUS some proper post-regenerative... stuff.
D: Ronny, your ass is being handed to you by the guy who thought his typewriter was trying to kill you.
A: It's a sign, Mallett. Heed the signs.
N: You have no talent, you wretched little homophobe...

He replied as he noticed the change in his hand given to him by the paper boy.
A: I thought he was at a news stand?
D: Maybe the passing paper boy had some money he didn't want and just handed it to the nearest passer by?
N: How wierd.

"Now that is odd," he muttered.
N: See?

The Doctor passed the coin to Peri. The male monarch on one side was listed as George VII!
A: Hands up who thought that deserved the exclaimation mark?
N: Oh, for fuck's sake. The old "wrong currency" gag?!! Even Time: Zero thought that was old!
D: Despite the fact it could be a dud coin, hence some passer by coming up to you and giving you change, since you're wearing muddied, bloodied clothes too small and you look like a complete tramp?
A: So... one coin equals totally different universe. Like the coin of death in Reformation of the Daleks. Is, you know, Mallet coinaphobic or something?
N: Wouldn't be surprised, the little tightass....
A: So this is a parallel universe EXACTLY the same as the last one except the coins are different and 1980s fashions are shocking... come to think of it, only the coins are different.
D: Does this man POSSESS an imagination?
A: It must have been handed to him by a paper boy.

Deep in the caverns of England, the Silurian triad were discussing the human situation.
D: Whoa. Do you think that these are the same reptile dudes seen earlier?
A: What an info dump. And you're right, there's nothing to suggest we know who these idiots are.
N: So they've finally established the fact that there is life on the surface with technology.
D: The Gorillas reign supreme!

"The planet appears to be swarming with them Tobok. The atmosphere is full of their signals and their pollution," Jutzhar replied.
N: Oh yeah, cause the Eocenes (yeah, Mallet, I so fucking went there) never polluted anything...
A: "Replied"? To what?
D: Tobok's gibberish language.
A: "Appears to be", he says. Does no one check beyond first impressions?!

"It does appear that the small mammals have evolved into a dangerous sub-species.
N: Small mammals? They were apes, hardly small!
A: Maybe in this universe rodents and dogs and cats have evolved into people as well.
D: So it's like the Year 5 Billion.
A: Yeah, cool.
D: Except that means the Doctor and Peri didn't notice any of the cat people or dog people or curiously bright red people in their flying cars...
A: Maybe they just happened to be in a part of London that looks exactly like "our" London. A theme park from the Festival of Ghana?
N: Mallet, Jesus, what are you THINKING?! If ANYTHING?!

The earth may need to be cleansed of them," Tobok reflected.
A: No, that's a suggestion, not a reflection.
N: "May"? Either you want them gone or not!!
D: It's Earth with a capital E! Is Mallet's shift key broken?

"Their numbers are too great," Myrak interjected, "our only hope is to negotiate."
D: My god, Myrak understood Tobok?!
A: Yes, Myrak, their numbers are too great. That's why Tobok wanted them wiped out.
N: Haven't these dudes heard of biowarfare? The kind that makes numbers irrelevent? Like in The Silurians?
A: Hell, just popping out to say hello should drive most of the humans too insane to pose a threat.
D: Once again, a famous Doctor Who creation ruined unless we assume this is a B ark of total morons.

"I too feel that they must be made to understand that they are facing a much more advanced species from which they could learn much," Jutzhar admitted.
D: Huh? Who else felt that and why is Jutzhar so asshamed?
N: Jutzhar's plan is to basically bully humanity into being friends?
A: "We're better than you! Please don't kill us!" doesn't quite work as a plan, does it?

"They are a proud, war-like species that only appear to respect power," Myrak concluded.
D: And how has Myrak discovered this over the last ten minutes?
A: Maybe this reality has different wars and there isn't a nuclear stalemate?
N: Maybe Mallet is completely shithouse at plotting?
D: If Myrak picks up the Live Aid concert, he might have to revise his opinion.
A: Sir Bob Geldoff, what do you think of our Eocene friends?
D: "Juz pek up ther fookun fone an mek a donation!"
N: Is this happening on a Monday? Sir Bob doesn't like Mondays.
A: It's probably a Thursday. Never could get the hang of Thursdays.
D: Like the author never could get the hang of decent fan fic.

Tobok thought for a moment:
N: And realized, to his horror, that sixty five million years ago he'd left the iron on. His home burnt down.
D: And forgotten to cancel the papers. Five trillion newspapers crushed his town.
A: Or fed the pet dinosaur. And starved to death.
N: And those uneaten sausages on the plate now cover the whole planet.
D: Plus he left a light on his bathroom. The eletricity board are after his cold blood.
A: "I went to sleep a happy man... and woke up... IN HELL!!!!"

"And what of the origin of this signal that reactivated our hibernation systems? It was obviously sent by a being who knew of our existence."
D: Unless of course the signal was a total fluke.
A: Obviously.
N: Why aren't they more bothered about the fact the systems didn't kick in in the first place?
D: Not sure. Let's listen to Bloodtide and find out!
A: No! We've started we must finish!

"We have had no further contact Tobok, but we are monitoring all frequencies."
D: Miami Vice is on, so let's shut up and watch that instead!

Jutzhar looked up to see the television sit-com I Love Lucy was playing on a monitor above him.
D: OK... I think Ronny's fighting back...
A: Of all the things they could be watching, it's a repeat of a black and white comedy and obvious even to Eocenes that it is not representing the current state of affairs!
N: I Love Lucy before a Sixth Doctor and Peri story, it's like back in the 90s when the ABC showed both at 4 in the morning with Basil Brush... Ah, nostaliga.
A: Wait, so even the sitcoms are the same in this universe? What the fuck?!
D: Jutzhar! YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ TO DO!

"The humans literature and broadcasts make no mention of the existence of our species," Jutzhar considered.
D: Wow. He's smart. Watching the opening credits of I Love Lucy allows him to judge an entire culture.
A: I wonder if it's that episode where Lucy dreams that a Scottish two-headed dragon tries to kill her?
N: That'll mess with their heads.
D: Surely Eocenes can comprehend the idea of fiction?!
N: Maybe, but with these morons, I'm not prepared to risk it...

"Perhaps... our existence has only been recently discovered by the leaders of man and the general population has been kept in ignorance," Myrak offered.
A: Perhaps... not.
N: Jeez, he leaps to conclusions, doesn't he?
A: "Perhaps... this 1960s situation comedy was made BEFORE we woke up and thus wouldn't be about us?!"
N: "Perhaps... we've tuned in for thirty seconds and simply haven't seen any references!"
D: "Perhaps... we're on the human only channel? And all the other evolved small mammals have different TV stations?"

"That is logical.
N: What are you, a freaking Cyberman?
A: It's not logical you liar. If someone's trying to wake you up, they'd have put out some kind of message for you if it worked! Ergo, it could be entirely accidental and thus NOT a complete conspiracy!
D: Haven't they noticed I Love Lucy is in black and white when most other stuff is in colour? Ergo, it is reasonable to assume it is from a time before colour TV, and thus WORTHLESS since they are trying to work out the present!
A: Even if humans remembered the Eocenes, why make TV shows references to them? How do they know the humans would even use a recognizable name? For all they know "total jerk" could be their term for Eocene...

We need to make contact with the being who broadcast that signal. If our existence is revealed at this early stage we could face extermination!" Tobok declared.
N: How did these panic-ridden alarmists get to the top job?
A: So, the Eocenes don't want humanity to discover they exist because they're worried humanity will attack them when they're weak and kill them all. OK, taking that for the sake of argument, why then does Tobok decide the best move made is to then shout "WE'RE AWAKE! WHO WOKE US UP, WAS IT YOU?" at the world?
D: Shouldn't they be, you know, waking up everyone else?

"What I want to know is where you obtained those forged UNIT identification papers!" The Brigadier demanded.
D: Whoa!
A: Did we turn over two pages at once?
N: Why would the Fifth Doctor be carrying UNIT ID for a trip to Androzani?
A: Aren't they passes, not papers?
D: If it IS a pass, why was the Doctor expecting it to work - his face just changed!
A: Maybe he was expecting UNIT to twig it was him if he was patronizing enough?
N: In another universe?! How optimistic is this pratt?
A: Maybe they think it's still their universe but something's gone wrong with time?
D: Oh, well, that's perfectly acceptable: why on Earth should a little thing like the history of the UNIT era be changed just because the royal family went off in a completely different direction? MORONS! ALL MORONS! BEYOND REDEMPTION! DISGUSTING MORONS!
A: Yeah, this universe sucks. It's identical to the old one except for a coin - a SINGLE coin, since the Doctor's cash was accepted - there's I Love Lucy, UNIT, the United Nations, the Eocenes! The only other difference is the retirement age seems ten times higher than before...

"I thought you said you knew The Brigadier Doctor?" Peri whispered.
D: "The Brigadier Doctor"?!
A: I don't have time to waste on Mallet's rubbish insistence in capital letters.
N: What realistic dialogue. It's not even exposition, since we already established the guy was the Brig.
A: There's no description of where they are or how they got there or even what they're doing!

"I do... that's what makes this all the more fascinating..."
N: Oh GOD! YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON!
A: TARDIS malfunctions, wrong currency, some undefined wierdness and you go running back to UNIT like a big wuss! What kind of newly regenerated Time Lord are you?!
D: Easily fascinated. Like Peri.
A: Maybe this 'tangent universe' is actually the proper Doctor Who universe and the Doctor and Peri are the unbound versions who've turned up.
N: Wow, that explains everything except the Brig still working for UNIT, the currency, the Eocenes...
D: I'm begging you, let's give up on this!

The Brigadier was sizing this Doctor and his attractive assistant up:
A: You dirty old man, Alistair!
N: "You have wasted my time - I shall now sodomize you both. Starting with the cute one."
D: "Curse my new good looks, Peri..."
N: "NOT YOU!"

obviously an eccentric troublemaker and his impressionable protégé.
D: Obviously. How exactly is he making trouble?
N: How exactly did he get to UNIT HQ - if that's where it is - to wave around passes that at best would be for the Fourth Doctor and Sarah, and be believed to the point they call in the Brig?
A: Hell, why haven't they discovered Peri shouldn't be in England or that there's a Tangent Peri and this one is an imposter? Why haven't they been strip searched and interrogated! This is the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce, not the local village police station!
N: Mmmm. Peri strip search.

"We're in the middle of an operation with global implications, Doctor whoever you are, and we do not have time to deal with trouble makers!"
D: AGAIN! What trouble has he made?!
N: If this operation is so freaking important, why did you come down to identify him?
A: Shouldn't this unspecified operation have, I dunno, some prior reference in the newspaper?
D: Oh Christ this story is beyond belief.

The Doctor smiled at him:
D: And then strangled him! Convinced that he was an Auton duplicate!
N: "I am the Doctor... and you will obey me..."

"Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart,
N: As the Sycorax said to Harriet Jones, "yes, we know who you are".
D: Mallett really seems to expect us to be impressed he knows that.
A: "Wow. He knows my middle name! He can't be a spy or a troublemaker! Let us trust him with our lives!"

We've known each other for years... or perhaps here we never did! Maybe I've been missing something extremely obvious all along..."
N: Like, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
D: I will never diss Twin Dilemma ever again. I promise. Just stop the pain.
A: What's really stupid is that he expected to be instantly recognized DESPITE having a new face. Ronny seems to keep forgetting this story is set directly after "Not a moment too soon".

The Brigadier finally lost it:
N: Lost what?
A: The plot?
D: What plot?
N: Was here a minute ago.
A: Must have lost it.
D: Lost what?
N: The delusion this was in any way readable.

"Sergeant Calder!"
Calder, a stout Sergeant, entered the room.
"Yes Sir."
A: Who'd have thought Sergeant Calder was a stout Sergeant. Called Calder.
N: So the Brig was alone with the two trouble makers?
D: Oh, God, this is agony!
N: I don't remember a Sergeant Calder.
A: Benton must have retired.
N: Oh, so the much younger and fitter man can retire, but the Brig stays behind with a baton for beating his juniors? ... I do NOT like the way this is going...
A: Wait a minute! I remember who Sergeant Calder is!
D: Who?
A: He's one of the soldiers in the warehouse in Resurrection of the Daleks.
N: Huh? He was part of the bomb disposal squad, not UNIT!
D: Well, this IS a different universe. Maybe he lived a different life.
N: And it IS written by Ron Mallet. Maybe it's just a retarded mistake!

"Have these obviously well-briefed infiltrators of unknown origin formally detained.
N: Obviously. More wonderful and credible dialogue.
D: I thought they were just trouble-makers!
A: So, having forged ID papers, that's just trouble making, but using someone's middle name - a bit of info you can get from a PHONE BOOK - is well-briefed infiltration?
D: What the hell? Two tramps off the street arrive screaming they know the boss and we're supposed to believe people FALL for that? Was M15 brought down by Sir Digby Chicken Ceaser-Salad and Ginger bursting in and saying they were good friends with M?!

I'll decide on the charges in due course."
A: Well, until then, they can't be FORMALLY detained.
D: Oh God! He's shitting all over my memory of the Brig! Can't... comprehend... stupidity...

"Such as Alistair?"
"Trespass for one. And it's Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart to you!"
D: Or just "sir".
A: Trespass? How did they get in? They must have been allowed in by someone at the front desk - and if they broke in, that does suggest they're not cunning enemy agents since the first thing they do is go straight to the boss and pretend they're best mates? Not even Operation: Delta is THAT retarded!

The Brigadier marched out, fuming.
N: Why is he so pissed off? Has he lost his sense of humor or something?
A: So in this universe, the Brig is a total creep. And the coins are different. And spies apparently are even more stupid and unprofessional than trained Torchwood operatives.

"Yes, I rather thought it might be," The Doctor muttered sadly.
D: Oh, grow up!
N: This isn't the Doctor, it's Ben fucking Chatham weeping because people don't remember him!
A: Peri singularly doesn't get a word of complaint that the Doctor has deliberately got them arrested by the Army and convinced them they are spies!
D: She's storing it all up so when she cracks, she will strangle someone to death!

"Tobok! The signal, it is reoccurring!" Jutzhar shouted.
A: It's re-occuring!
N: It's astounding!
D: Time is fleeting!
N: Madness takes its toll!
A: Listen closely!
N: But not for very much longer!
D: I've got to... keep controoooooooooooooooooooooool!

Took wandered over to the monitor to listen to the signal.
D: I remember! Doing the Time Warp! Drinking! Those little moments when...
N: Shut up, Dave. Look! Tobok's changed his name to "took" and is wandering over to a "monitor" that provides sound rather than vision!
D: ...and?
N: You're right. The blackness would hit me!
A: And the void would be calling!
D: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!

Suddenly it faltered and became a more digressive combination of clucks and bocks.
N: "The Chicken People despise the cowardice of the Eocenes! We'll peck your mofoing eyes out!"
A: "You're dead, bitches! D - E - D! DEAD!"
D: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

"Whoever it is, they have a very sophisticated grasp of our language."
A: Well, Took is obviously in remedial English. There's an "a" in "dead".
D: "Very sophisticated grasp"? You mean, it's IN your language?
N: Eocenes talk in clucks and bocks?

"That is not possible unless it is a distant Silurian colony that was revived before we were," Myrak insisted.
D: "Except we just found out there were none of those, so forget I said anything.
N: THEY ARE NOT CALLED "SILURIANS" YOU SNAG!!

The translation appeared on the overhead screen: "We need to discuss treaty. Do not trust humans. Will contact again soon. Please reply and advise of numbers of survivors in chambers - a friend."
A: That's not at all suspicious.
D: Or a warmongering third party.
N: Yes, let us trust this mysterious friend who has given absolutely no reason to do so.
A: Wait a minute, "the TRANSLATION"? That clucking noise was supposed to be in their own language! They need a translator for their own language? SWEET MERCIFUL MARTHA JONES THIS IS DUMB!

The Silurians looked at one another in stunned silence.
N: As they realized they were actually EOCENES! GOD DAMN!
D: Seriously, what is wrong with these guys? Getting texts stuns them into silence?
A: On the bright side, no more of that awful dialogue...

The Doctor and Peri were relaxing in their cell.
N: Coz where else would you want to be?
D: Cells are by definition the perfect place to relax.
A: Next time you get stressed, simply maroon yourself in another reality and get yourself arrested as a spy by the military and thrown in their cells to rot!

"Well, what's next Doctor?"
D: The cliffhanger, with any luck.
N: "Well, last time, you let them take you out and shoot you."
D: I like that plan. It has potential.
A: For crying out aloud, Peri, how about escaping?!

The Doctor was deep in thought. He was almost in a trance like state.
D: Building up to a strangling. Or quoting wildly esoteric poetry. Or being vaguely interesting.
A: Almost. But not quite. In a state LIKE but not EXACTLY a trance.
N: Why can Ronny never commit himself to an expression?!

"Well getting out of here is not really a worry. They don't consider us to be a serious security threat, otherwise they wouldn't have locked us up in here together. They haven't even questioned us yet. We're more of a nuisance. As soon as they get an explanation for the passes I was carrying they would in all likelihood let us go!"
N: Hey, poofter! Nice exposition!
D: Oh, way to diffuse the tension. Can we go now?
A: The Doctor hasn't actually prepared an explanation for the passes, has he?
N: And why did he go to UNIT in the first place? What did he tell them?

"What is going on here Doctor? Are we on Earth or not?"
N: Oh, wow, you assume EARTH is at fault rather than the two-faced bastard simply turning up at a military base, and not being recognized by the doddering senior commander.
A: What has damaged Peri's faith that London is on Earth?
D: This story. It's impossible any human from our reality could pen such horror!

"Earth, yes. But not ours. We must have crossed over to an alternative reality!"
N: Sweet merciful mother of god, YES! THEY FINALLY WORKED IT OUT!
A: I still think getting a number wrong in coordinates automatically means "sliders-style whackiness"...

Peri giggled at first
D: Why?!?!?!
N: Surely she's not being skeptical about parallel universes since she's in a cell with a shape-shifting time travelling alien?
A: Maybe she's amused at how utterly moronic the new Doctor is. Mickey twigged faster.
D: Peri's cracked. She's gonna strangle him any second...

but then remembered the error in the coordinates and The Doctor's warning of the dangers involved in errors.
A: Those dangers being "you could have killed us" - doesn't instantly suggest diverging universes, does it?
N: It wasn't even a warning, it was plain abuse!
D: This is making my eyes bleed god damn it...

"King George VII!" That was all she could manage.
A: That's pretty pathetic.
N: Yeah.
A: I got nothing to add.
D: What was her previous rationalization of the coin? That she's American and knows nothing of England?

The Doctor looked at her with a grin as if he knew the penny had dropped.
D: As if?!? WHY ELSE WOULD HE GRIN?!
A: Is that penny the penny with George the 7th on it?
N: Patronizing bastard...

"But will we manage to get back to our own reality?"
N: "No, let's stay in this reality. The old one sucked and I'd killed off all my regular enemies!"
A: Yeah, the sky isn't green.
N: No lizard schizo people to annoy us.
A: And the laws of physics work fine.
N: Plus - no fascist dictatorship.
A: Let's stay here forever and ever and ever...
D: NO!!!!

"I don't see why not. There must be some kind of hole between the layers of the multiverse that we passed through.
A: Whoa, some totally unique mind-expanding stuff there! Can you believe mainstream sci-fi missed this?!
D: Isn't that sort of "hole" a bit dangerous? The sort of thing your TARDIS should notice?
N: I bet there isn't a voidsphere explanation for this at the end either.

I've done that before in the past.
N: WHEN!?
A: Basically, he's saying, "Huh! Someone ripped me off before I wrote this! Dammit!"

Returning should be a matter of reversing our course exactly!"
N: Pity your time machine (sorry, not a machine) is such a piece of crap!
A: And the fact you can't listen to numbers properly.
N: Guess you're doomed forever.
D: Good. Asshole.

"How is all this possible though," Peri asked.
A: Jesus, I know she's not a genius, but come on! Hasn't she seen It's A Wonderful Life?!

"History has played itself out slightly differently in this reality. What I can't understand is how in this electronic age when Earth has begun to make itself conspicuous by its signals that it has been able to repel the types of invasions I helped to foil during my time as UNIT scientific advisor!" The Doctor pondered.
A: ...yeah. Well, that's finally an accurate use of the word "pondered".
N: He's very arrogant, isn't he? As Sympathy of the Devil shows, they could easily have stopped the Autons, the Eocenes, Stahlman and BOSS on their own - often better than without the Doctor. Mind you, the Ambassadors would have been difficult, but then again, no Doctor, no Master. Earth is saved.
D: Hmm. Sorry, do go on. Seriously, discuss it. I don't want to go back!

The door suddenly opened and a familiar figure strode in.
A: I wonder if this familiar figure can provide the answer to that awfully-phrased question?

His appearance made The Doctor jump to his feet.
N: I'm sorry, I can't find it in my heart to care.
A: Nor me.
D: When will this shit be over?!?

"What are you doing here? You're dead!" Peri stammered.
N: Ronny, look up "stammer" in a dictionary you r-tard!
A: Obviously they're not dead, Peri! Are you hard of understanding?
D: And, you know, time machine plus alternate universe!
N: One sentence and it turns Peri into a stuttering cowardly moron. Give Mallet points for that - fast effective character assassination in under twenty words...

Dressed in an expensive black business suit, the familiar face of The Master stepped up to them. His pale face contrasted with his black hair and goatee.
D: Well... it would...
A: Is this Roger Delgado, Anthony Ainley or Mark Gattis?
N: Judging by the crude photos, it's Ainley. Dressed as Kamelion from Planet of Fire.
A: Wait a minute, is Peri recognizing the Master or Kamelion? Coz, like, they are both dead.
N: I don't get it. The Master is "familiar" enough for no explanation of why Peri and the Doctor know him, but we're supposed to need a description of his face and clothes.
D: It hurts too much. Please end it...

"My dear girl I've never met you before. Allow me to introduce myself... I am known as The Master. I am UNIT's scientific advisor!"
N: Dun-dun-DUNNNN!
A: Wow, didn't see that coming. Apart from The Claws of Axos. And Face of the Enemy.
N: Yeah, well, Mallet says THEY ripped him off too because he's such a good writer!
D: I can't take this any more! I'M GOING CRAZY, I TELL YOU! CRAY-ZEEEEE!
A: Dave, put down the cricket bat...
D: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
N: Now, this is a cliffhanger!

...to be continued...