A Missing Doctor Who Adventure!!!

Yes, stolen from bitcomet today, it's an adventure you can be sure won't be mentioned in the Official Series Guide.... but absolutely REAL!

"Doctor Who In A Repititious Adventure With A Bovvered Teen".

(A classroom. There are a handful of bored, middle-aged figures dressed as school children sitting at desks. Two particularly vile girls sit at the back of the class.)

Girl: I can't believe we've got double English.

Lauren: English is well dry.

Girl: I don't see what's so great about reading, anyways!

Lauren: Nah. Reading's for LOSERS!

Girl: Innit, though? (cheers up) At least we got a new teacher today.

Lauren: Yeah, right! That'll be a laugh, wonnit?

(The classroom door opens and a tall, scrawny man in a brown suit enters and drops an old fashioned bag on the desk at the front of the class. He looks kinda familiar and picks in a rough Scottish accent.)

Teacher: Morning.

(The entire class look at him with an amused expression.)

Class: Arright.

Teacher: As I'm sure you're aware, my name is Mr. Logan, I'm your new English teacher, nice to meet you all.

(Lauren leans forwards and starts licking her lips in a strange way.)

Teacher: Hope you're all ready to get to grips with some Elizabethan literature. (holds up book) Let's all turn to page 53 in our poetry text books...

(The girls up the back exchange dark looks.)

Teacher: (affectionately) I think we'll dive straight into the Bard himself.

Lauren: Sir?

Teacher: Yup?

Lauren: Are you English, sir?

Teacher: No, I'm Scottish.

Lauren: So you ain't English, then.

Teacher: No. I'm British.

Lauren: So you ain't English, then.

Teacher: No. But as you can see, I do speak English.

Lauren: But I can't understand what you're saying, sir.

Teacher: (smiles) Well, clearly you can.

Lauren: (shrugs) Sorry, are you talking Scottish now?

Teacher: No, I'm talking English.

Lauren: Right. (shakes head) Don't sound like it.

(The teacher sighs and moves to the front of his desk.)

Teacher: OK, whatever you want. Now, let's get on with Shakespeare!

Lauren: (awkward) I don't think you're qualified to teach us English.

Teacher: I am perfectly qualified to teach you English.

Lauren: I don't think you are, though.

Teacher: You don't have to BE English to TEACH it.

Lauren: (nods) Right. Have we got "Double English" or "Double Scottish"?

(The teacher starts to reply, then frowns, thinking.)

Teacher: Is your name Lauren Cooper by any chance?

Lauren: (coldly) Yeah.

Teacher: Hmm.

Lauren: Why?!

Teacher: Your reputation precedes you.

Lauren: (pleased) Innit, though!

Teacher: So! Shakespeare's sonnets!

Lauren: Sir?

(The teacher ignores her.)

Teacher: A sonnet is a poem...

Lauren: Sir?

Teacher: ...written in fourteen lines...

Lauren: Sir?

Teacher: ...the last two of which...

Lauren: Sir?

Teacher: ...must form a rhyming couplet...

Lauren: (puts hand up) Sir?

Teacher: YES, Lauren?

Lauren: Can I aks you a question?

Teacher: Not just now.

Lauren: Can I just aks you a question now?

Teacher: Just wait.

Lauren: But can I aks you a question? I only want to aks you a question! Can't I just aks you a question? I'm just aksing you a question. (as if to a moron) I just wanna AKS you a question!

Teacher: What is it?

Lauren: Are you the Doctor?

Teacher: (thinks) Doctor who?

(The two girls at the back cheer, clap their hands and point to him in unison)

Girls: RESULT!

Teacher: (confused) I dunno what you're talking about.

Lauren: You look like Doctor Who though!

Teacher: I'm not Doctor Who, I'm your English teacher!

Lauren: (laughing) I don't think you are, though.

Teacher: Lauren --

Lauren: I think you're a 945 year old Time Lord!

Teacher: Listen --

Lauren: Did you just "pitch up from Mars"?

Teacher: Don't be ridiculous...

Lauren: You know your house, right?

Teacher: (lost) What?!

Lauren: You know your house?

Teacher: Yeah?

Lauren: Is it bigger on the inside?

Teacher: Be quiet.

Lauren: Have you parked the TARDIS on a meter?

Teacher: (to class) Can we please get back to Shakespeare?

(The girls fold their arms and fall to sullen silence.)

Teacher: Thank you! (turns to book) So ---

Lauren: Do you fancy Billie Piper, sir?

Teacher: (slams down book) Right! YOU ARE THE MOST INSOLENT CHILD I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO TEACH!

Lauren: Thank you.

Teacher: You're pointless! Repititious! And EXTREMELY dull!

Lauren: A bit like Shakespeare?

Teacher: (very angry now) You are not even worthy to mention his NAME! William Shakespeare... WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WAS A GENIUS! YOU, LITTLE MADAM, ARE DEFINITELY NOT! SO JUST SIT THERE, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT OR I WILL FAIL YOU IN THIS WHOLE MODULE RIGHT NOW!!

(Silence. Lauren sucks her teeth. She holds her hands up placatingly.)

Lauren: Am-ist I bovver-ed?

Teacher: What?

Lauren: Am-ist I bovver-ed, forsooth?

Teacher: Lauren...

Lauren: Looketh at my face.

Teacher: I don't --

Lauren: Looketh at my face!

Teacher: Stop it.

Lauren: Is this a bovver-ed face thou sees before thee?

Teacher: Right. I'm calling your parents.

Lauren: ARE YOU DISRESPECTING THE HOUSE OF COOPER?!?

Teacher: Lauren -

Lauren: ARE THOU CALLING MY MOTHER A POX-RIDDEN WENCH?!?

Teacher: Enough.

Lauren: ARE THOU CALLING MY FARVER A GOODLY, ROTTEN APPLE?!?

Teacher: Lauren --

Lauren: He aint even a goodly, rotten apple!

Teacher: Listen to me!

Lauren: But he aint even a goodly, rotten apple though!

Teacher: That's enough.

Lauren: (points to herself) Face-eth!

Teacher: Lauren!

Lauren: Bovver-ed? Looketh!

Teacher: Stop!

Lauren: Looketh!

Teacher: That's enough!

Lauren: My liege!

Teacher: Stop!

Lauren: My liege!

Teacher: Enough!

My liege!

Teacher: Stop!

Lauren: My liege! Bovver-ed? Faceth?

Teacher: That's...

Lauren: (scottish accent) You take the high road and I'll take the low road! (normal) I AIN'T BOVVERED! I AIN'T BOVVERED! Look! Face? Bovvered? Bovver-ed, face, bovver-ed, I aint even bovver-ed! My liege, I be not bovver-ed. Forsooth, I be not bovver-ed. Face! Bovver-ed! I aint bovver-ed! Face! Bovver-ed! Shakespeare, sonnets! I aint even bovvered! (annoyed) My mistress eyes are nothing like the sun! Coral is far more red than her lips red! If snow be white, why then her breasts are done! If hair be wires, black wires grow on her head! I have seen roses dammus, red and white, but no such roses see I in her cheeks! And in some perfume is there more delight that in the breath that from my mistress reeks. I love to hear her speak yet weell I know that music have a far more pleasing sound! I grant, I never saw a goddess go! My mistress when she walks treads on the ground and yet by heaven I think my love is rare as any she belies with false compare! (smacks table) BITE ME, ALIEN BOYAH!

(She leans back in her chair and her friend nods. The teacher is speechless. Lauren shrugs. The teacher shakes his head, reaches into his jacket pocket and, with a sudden fury takes out a silver rod and aims it at Lauren. The tip glows electric blue and there is a loud buzzing. Lauren gapes as she dissolves in a rippling oscillation. Her friend stares as the oscillation clears to show Lauren has vanished and a New Earth Rose Tyler action figure stands on her desk. The teacher deactivates the silver rod and pockets it.)

Teacher: That's better.

(He leans against the desk and picks up his book.)

Teacher: (amused) A Rose by another name would smell sweet.

(A tiny voice squeaks from the toy.)

Toy: I still aint bovvered!

(Her friend looks between the toy and the teacher and squirms...)