Booyah, Bitches!

January of the new year isn't even over and the good news just keeps on coming. I have 85% use of my hand and wrist, the set top box now works on ABC and my apotheosis has arrived.

Hah! In your face, M. Goacher from Colchester - I ain't seen anyone without a degenerative brain dissorder making YOUR scripts into audio drama, let alone complimenting it! Yes, Carribbean (sp?) Blue is finally unleashed on the public!

Well. The first episode.

Well. Half the first episode.

And it's not really the public. Yet. At all.

After deeply frustrating attempts to finally download the bloody mp3, I find myself too terrified to actually listen to it. I tried, but freaked out after the opening credits were the usual late Tennant music rather than the Los Banditos Mexican hardcore rock version I wanted. I mean, the story's not too bad on paper, but what if the actors are rubbish? Or maybe good actors that don't do the material justice (by which exactly what I have inside my own head)? Is the Twelfth Doctor written too much like the Fourth? Are the Corrupters scary? Why the hell did I want mute monsters on audio anyway? Are the colonists annoying? What does Nigel Verkoff/Gelver Koffni sound like? Are the jokes funny? Is the music scary? Am I endorsing self harm and suicide? Is the whole thing too similar to The Waters of Mars? Why did I name it after an Enya song I saw before State of Decay Part Three? Why did I choose a title I can barely spell?

And that bit with the Master (which had to be added for storyarcing purposes), how am I going to be able to bear letting my parents hear that bit? Especially as it's the old, posh "You're a very unimaginative fellow, my dear" Master rather than the cool apeshit version of later years? And corrupting the companion with hypnosis and trying to turn her against the Doctor? Talk about lame! Every part of me wanted Emma to just say "Fuck you, Mr. Beardy, I make up my own mind!" but no, she just goes with it, forgets the whole scene and wanders off never to mention it again. Then again, maybe they didn't do that scene. In which case, what am I worried about?

Well... time to bite the bullock... that's how the saying goes insn't it?

0:48 - No voiceover? Dammit, I'll never prove that this is actually by me...

0:51 - WTF?! Porno muzak?!

1:13 - Dr. Spoon portrayed by Adam Klaus. Chamber, however, sounds exactly like I thought he would. Most perfect casting since Matt Smith

1:23 - A clear difference in American and English attitudes to "drunk acting". He sound schizophrenic rather than pissed!

2:18 - "Is that noise scaring you?" "More like irritates." See, you can tell I wrote this, because my past self taking the piss before my future self can blog about it.

3:32 - "You wouldn't lie to an old man, would you?" sounded WAY more desperate and pitiful in my head rather than Frank Gallagher not giving a shit.

3:41 - My own fault. Americans just don't shout "Oi!" the way English and Australians do. He sounds like she just kicked him in the balls...

4:23 - "Actually..." Is it bad of me to be ridiculously amused at my own material?

4:30 - At last, the Glittergun movies are canon! For years I had this idea that the Cyberwars got romanticized and turned into a blockbuster thriller series, kind of like Lethal Weapon or Harry Potter. I mean, look at how many movies we make about World War 2, and that was pissy little conflict between members of the same species on one planet. It only makes sense. Plus, I like to think it explains the retarded "The Cybermen are dead!" attitude of people, since they're basing their knowledge on history that's been through android focus groups and executive meddling...

4:39 - So they have to wade through empty bottles to get to the door? Kind of like when Family Guy went to Ireland and had to land the plane on a runway of dead marines...

5:36 - Not a bad choice for the Master. Sounds like a VERY stoned Sir Derek Jacobi.

5:45 - Heh. Totally forgotten I'd nicked that bit from The Ultimate Foe novelization by Pip'n'Jane Baker. I bet you no one on the entire planet would have noticed if I hadn't told you all. Still, if Gareth Roberts can pinch Oxyverguramosa from the same source...

5:47 - Guwhatnow? What the hell did he say? Better check the script. Oh. "But it makes no difference". Right. OK. And the lady playing Emma adlibs a bit...

8:21 - Fountain of Waynes ref. Bet no one got that either. They were too busy adding to my rubbish dialogue of this scene - gah, how many mistakes did I make writing this bit? Well, that's presumably where the "last-minute addition" comes into it.

8:57 - WTF?! They kept the Emma Bunting joke in?! The gag that the Doc's companion in Curse of Fatal Death was actually Baby Spice?!? No one spotted that? Man, am I behind the zeitgiest or what? Man, I'm glad I self-censored the bit where the Master asks Emma "Tell me what you want! What you really, really want!" Oh, the SHAME!

9:09 - Yeah, that needed YET ANOTHER "my dear". Couldn't have left it alone, could you...

11:46 - The point is, the Master knew Emma's name without being told. That was meant to merit a spooky musical note or something. Oh well.

12:13 - Wow, a new alternative to the lame "bah-dum-tisch!". The Master makes a witty commet and then suddenly Murray Gold goes apeshit with the neverending drums (coz a bearded sinister ex-friend of the Doctor, frequent user of chameleon arches and corrupter of youths could easily have been Yartek Leader of the Alien Voord without the musical refrain as identification). It was subtle on paper, dudes, I can prove it. Still, the scene is better than I expected, all told. Actors were brilliant. Just what they had to do...

12:20 - SHUT UP, YOU BASTARDS! SWITCH THE BLOODY DRUMS OFF! We're half way through the episode and not even at the third scene! Who wrote this badly-paced drivel? Oh. Wait. Oooh, awkward.

13:21 - Yeah, so I dropped out of 2 Unit Physics after only two weeks. What gave it away?

14:33 - Don't look at me, I never had them finding out the plot from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Plus, music's a bit loud, innit?

15:05 - Oh. The computer's a woman... Cool. (I of course cannot comprehend an AI not voiced by Peter Tuddenham.)

15:13 - Man, Palleen sounds so freaking cute! She is truly the Woobie! If this was on TV, she'd have her own acolytes in GB sigs. by now! You just want to hug her! Imagine if Alyson Hannigan and Nicola Bryant had a baby... Ahem. You can stop imagining them now. Hello? Fine, I'll come back later. And she's not as emo as I feared she might come across as.

16:35 - Yes, only I would be stupid enough to have the Doctor announce "just this once it’s easier to show rather than tell you" in my first audio drama. To the Exposition Room, boy wonder!

17:30 - Nigel's very nasal, but apart from that pretty cool. Except he's supposed to be a bit more cutting. "Not that you have far to go" should be a sneer, not something that sounds like a defensive "Yeah, well, you... you smell!" Does no one watch The Young Ones for how to deliver insults?!

18:19 - Fair enough, that wacky Partners in Crime music might ruin the tense mood I wanted to establish, but it's a judgement call. Definitely would work better if A LITTLE LESS LOUD PERHAPS?!?!

18:34 - Oh. It's "Moore-reece". OK.

19:40 - Man, Palleen needs a hug. I'm an asshole for making her suffer so. Hey, they skipped the "did we skip two pages at once" gag! How... appropriate.

20:40 - I bet no one even hears that joke.

21:54 - Most irritating edit so far. Alexis says he doesn't want to use the teleport because it makes him throw up; Nigel says "tough. But they've cut Alexis' complaint, so Nigel seems to be talking random bollocks. Worse, they kept the punchline to the "defeatist" joke but not the lead-in... Damn it...

22:08 - While I applaud the new teleport sfx, the choice of Vlyn as a sultry Asian hooker... well, it took me by surprise. Nice lisp, babe.

23:27 - Whoa. Very menacing earthquake atmos there. Full props to whoever sampled Krakatoa.

23:53 - Ah. Right. I wanted the CB to sound like the low, long-lasting crackling void in Scherzo. Apparently "Traditional Zues Thunderbolt No. 3" was deemed more fitting. Sigh.

24:57 - Gratuitious title drop! I'm a proper Who writer now! (beat) My therapist would be so ashamed...

26:20 - Hmm. Where I want "spooky" they go for "Matt Smith flying a shark". And my personal pedant complains that there must be better 'TARDIS in distress' noises than the regeneration bits from The Tenth Planet.

27:10 - OK, I started the basic plot in 2005, before RTD did a different story about demonic forces attacking an Earth colony on a distant moon orbiting a spatial anomaly. And then DP use as background music the violins from The Impossible Planet. That's it. RUB IT IN, YOU BASTARDS!!!

27:50 - He's very good, this Doctor. I hope I did him justice.

28:17 - Oh, Palleen, why do you make us cry so?

28:54 - See, when it was a low, menacing buzz in the background, Alexis' "There's that noise again" had spooky gravitas. When it follows a thunderclap and is delivered deadpan... well, let's just say any listeners would assume this an outright comedy rather than the mild horror I was going for.

29:29 - More cuts, but these are good cuts. The plot still makes sense.

30:34 - Shit! If that's the noise the Corrupters make, do NOT listen to this with the lights out...

30:35 - Oh dear. We've run out of episode. And I was certain the scripts were underunning... So, if you think this is a lame cliffhanger I can only say firstly it wasn't my idea and secondly haven't you seen Death to the Daleks? Dude, THAT has some lame cliffhangers! "Bellal! The carpets don't match!" Zeeeooowww!

30:45 - HOLY GRILLED CHEESUS! THEY PRONOUNCED MY NAME CORRECTLY!!!!

31:13 - Why is Maurice getting a credit? He's not in the episode!!

31:22 - I tell you, if by some chance any of my old classmates ever heard this cast list, they'd cack themselves at the "and Eljay Loobens". Guaranteed. It's kind of wierd hearing professional actors reading out private jokes from my life. If you're interested, "LJ" was Mr. Lewis-Jones who ran my high school until one Mr. Lubens took over. See? You had to be there, man. Seriously.

31:36 - I like the voiceover man clearly getting pissed off at the theme music trying to drown him out. But where's the vaguest hint that this is to be continued?!

31:42 - OK, Dr Who, I'll visit your website. Only coz you asked me nicely though.

Well, in reflection... pretty damn good adaption, it had to be said. The music is way too loud, though, and the editing in one scene is atrocious, but the only real complaint I could have is the guy playing Alexis as a one-note gruff prospector. It's not exactly Chip Jamison levels, but he's not as good as the rest of the cast. As for the plot, well, I've never seen my work dramatized before. All I know this is being played as a comedy rather than the horror I intended (albeit a zany Shaun of the Dead style wisecracking horror). Would it have come across as pretentious had everyone played it as scared? Maybe they do, since this episode is generally BEFORE the bad shit starts.

Needless to say, I'd rip this story a new one if someone else was responsible. I mean, the scenes are way too long, the Doctor and pals never get out of the TARDIS in the first episode and we're stuck with a bunch of losers who are clearly xeroxed from a certain unmade sitcom. But even at my harshest, the jokes are good, the acting is of a high standard and the choice of music (if not its volume) is very good. Got some Season 5 tunes in there, bro. Good on ya.

...how long to the next one? I want it now!


WHAT THOSE OTHER LOSERS THOUGHT...

Eric Busby: Wonderful stuff... As good as anything Big Finish ever put out.

Aww.

Gareth Preston (of the mighty fine Fineline Audios): Intriguing first episode. Good performances from everyone in the cast. Excellent build-up to the cliffhanger. Ewen Campion Clarke's writing was enjoyable. Perhaps the music was laid on a bit thickly for my taste but that's a small matter. Looking forward to finding out what happens next.

"Enjoyable"? Oh well...

Eric Busby... again...: Wonderful job by everyone and everything. The acting by everyone was beyond the pale... Whatever that mean... I guess the point I am trying to make its... IT WAS GREAT> I for one LOVED the music used. Gave it a great Murry Gold feel for this series. And I loved the Master from Scream of the Shalka being park of this.

Obviously the whole bit where the Master talks about Utopia went over his head. And using Murray Gold music gives it a Murray Gold feel. No way!

Just Gavin: I read his blog and I do keep intending to listen to the audio, I just never find the time.

Least he's honest.

Jonathon This Rifftrax: Listening to this now. OH SH**. Is that the Master? I am wondering if I am naive in thinking that this new character is the Master. I consider the possibility that it is Dracula instead. And then, at the end of his first scene, he's just getting wet over jailbait, (because he's a villain,) when the Sound of Drums hammers in through the music. Not even generic drums in a new original drumbeat, literally, the drum sample from John Simm's Master theme.
Would it really have been too hard to just get the actor (or anyone with at least one set of knuckles perhaps,) to rap on a table, tapping the wood four times? Obviously, being a guy who just hypothesised and enjoyed the idea of Count Dracula being a permanent crewmember in bondage aboard the Tardis, I don't care in the least for how hazardously unsubtle things can get, and am enjoying this. I'm just looking out for people who have more serious stomachs. Seriouser, weaker stomachs.

The what? The Astral what? THE ASTRAL SEXTANT! YES!! Haha! I'm not even gonna rewind. Go on, say it again. Say that word again. Unfortunately the Astral Sextant is not mentioned again.

OH LORD. THOSE STOCK CLAXON SOUNDS. I was prepared for music from the official TV soundtrack, but I was not prepared for stock effects that are older than I am. For present reference, in case it seems like I'm doing some kind of riff commentary here, I am not. At the claxon I may come down on it like a ton of fat guys, but I love the hilarious cheap sound effect. And I only make a big deal out of its being cheap because it is cheap, and that is hilarious. What this is, is an ordinary commenting on a story. So... I guess for present refence, I am doing a commentary? I just not making fun of it.

I HAVE BEEN LISTENING, TO DOCTOR WHO.

I enjoyed Caribbean Blue. I eagerly await the next episodes. I will definitely gabber about those as well.

...quite.