Once again, the Youth of Australia reflect my
increasingly-fragmenting life...
[Andrew, Nigel and Dave are walking down the road.
Andrew is reading Assimilation2.]
Andrew: [shakes head] Who writes this
shit?
Dave: [in the middle of a
story] ...and then he goes, "This is all your fault, Generation Y! You
screwed everything up! Do you have any IDEA how often I fuck my wife?!" And his
wife finds him on the computer and deletes all his accounts!
Nigel: Pity she left that
insulting wikipedia article up.
Dave: Yeah, I know. But I
think, if anyone clicks on the link to his blog, they won't find anything there
and I can just refute the claims as a total badass.
[They approach a service station.]
Dave: OK, next order of the
day, the weekly budget allowance.
Nigel: Pah. Why do we have
to put all our money into one account, hmmm?
Dave: Because this way we
can stop certain members of the household going apeshit on eBay and then
defrauding Centrelink to the tune of thirty grand.
Nigel: Oh, that was ONE
time! Besides, I paid it all back - with interest. Bastards never even thanked
me.
Andrew: You know, we never
did find out how you managed it.
Nigel: Didn't you? It was
just that money I got when there was that raid on the art
gallery...
[Wibbly-vision and harp music.]
Dave: Oh, ENOUGH of the
bloody flashbacks! Right...
[They reach the ATM. Dave swipes the card and punches
in the PIN.]
Dave: What do we
want?
Nigel: Six hundred bucks -
that's two hundred each.
Dave: [to Andrew]
Can you believe he didn't get into two-unit advanced in maths for
the HSC?
Andrew: Very easily. Get on
with it Dave.
[Dave punches a few buttons.]
Dave: Wierd. Insufficient
funds.
Andrew: Maybe the ATM
doesn't have that much cash. Notch it down a bit, we'll make another withdrawal
later.
Nigel: You're kidding,
there's a fee involved!
Andrew: It's only two
dollars! Here!
[Andrew shoves a gold coin into Dave's
pocket.]
Andrew: Another economic
miracle. Get on with it.
Dave: OK... three hundred
bucks.
[Beep.]
Dave: Um, two
fifty?
[Beep.]
Dave:
Seventy-five?
[Beep.]
Dave:
Twenty?!?
[Beep.]
Nigel: Oh, for crying out
loud!
[Nigel punches some controls.]
Nigel: What's the
balance?
[Beep.]
Dave: Seventeen
bucks.
Nigel: That is not right.
That cannot be right. There should be thirty times that!
Andrew: He's
right!
[Andrew pulls out some unopened mail, tears it open and
peers at a statement.]
Andrew: Yeah, this is less
than a week ago. Closing balance... best part of seven grand!
Dave: [to Nigel]
What have you done?
Nigel: Don't look at me! If
someone's emptied the account, it has to have been in the last week. I,
therefore have an alibi.
Dave: Yeah.
Nigel: So obviously it was
one of you.
Andrew: Don't be stupid,
Nigel.
Nigel: It wasn't
us...
[Dave panics.]
Dave: Holy shit! Internet
fraud! Someone's stolen all our cash!
Nigel: Maybe it's just a
computer error...
[Andrew kicks the ATM.]
Andrew: The stupid thing's
in perfect working order!
Dave: How could someone do
that to us?
Nigel: It's you, Andrew,
you never hide your PIN!
Andrew: I don't need to! As
long as I've got the card, they can't use it!
[He shows them his visa card.]
Andrew: See?
Nigel: Well... I've still
got mine.
Dave: Me too.
Nigel: So... how could
someone have accessed our account to take all the cash?
Dave: Who cares? They have
done! We're broke! Oh GOD!
Andrew: But what about my
quarterly dietician bill?
Dave: And what about the
fee for my psychotherapist?
Nigel: And I'm just
out-and-out an acquisitive bastard! THIS IS SO UNFAIR!
Andrew: We've got to cancel
our cards!
Dave: What?
[Andrew takes out a mobile and taps at
it.]
Andrew: Hello? Yes, I... I
know this is for lost and stolen cards... look, we checked our balance, it
wasn't right, can you put me through to the right department? Yes, thank you.
No. Go ahead.
[Beep-beep.]
Andrew: Hello? Call
disconnected? She hung up on me!
Dave: THE
BITCH!
Nigel: Oh, let me try, you
over-folicled freak. [dials] Hello? Yes, there are irregularities in my account
balance, can you put me through to... yes... enchante, sweetheart... uh huh...
uh-huh... uh-huh...
[Nigel hangs up.]
Nigel: FUCKING HELL!!!
We're not in business hours! And on a weekend!
Dave: Oh god! [dials]
Hello, I want to cancel my cards please. Yeah. 5585 494 5859. Yes. Cancel
them. Canceled? Good. And can you send out a replacement? Thank
you.
[Dave hangs up.]
Dave: BULLSHIT! They can't
even do that!
Andrew: The point is, our
cards are cancelled.
Dave: Which means no one
can possibly hack our account.
Nigel: Who'd want to? What
evil enemy of ours would hack our account, steal everything except for less than
twenty bucks, then COME BACK for it later?
Dave: I'm going to have a
heart attack. This is it. It is all over. Can't
breathe!
Andrew: Nigel.
Nigel: Andrew.
[Nigel holds Dave in place while Andrew dropkicks him.
Repeatedly.]
Andrew: CALM! DOWN! CALM!
DOWN! CALM! DOWN!
[Dave wheezes and nods, calm. Nigel punches
him.]
Dave: I'm calm! I'm
calm!
Nigel: I know, that was for
the brilliant idea to share our account!
Andrew: Look, this isn't a
big deal.
Dave: Big deal? WE HAVE
JUST LOST ALL OUR CASH! We couldn't afford a Vote Mitt Romney T-shirt and bumper
sticker! We cannot even get what we have from a machine!
Andrew:
Nigel...
Dave: I'M CALM! BUT THIS IS
STILL A BIG DEAL!
Andrew: Look, the bank lost
our money. The insurance will pay out. They'll replace our cash.
Nigel:
...really?
Andrew: Yes. At least five
thousand bucks of it, anyway. It's automatic.
Dave: ...you're not lying
to a sick man are you?
Andrew: Course not! I mean,
if it was over ten grand, we might be awkward, but it will be a simple way to
put it back into the account.
Dave: So... we're going to
be all right.
Nigel: Yeah, more or
less.
Dave: Right.
[Relieved silence.]
Dave: But what if they
don't pay up! What if the hacker fools them into thinking we took out the
money?
Nigel: We canceled the
cards when we found out!
Dave: That could be part of
the scam! They'll think we're trying to defraud them!
Nigel: But we
didn't!
Dave: THEY WON'T BELIEVE
THAT! THERE'S NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD!
Nigel: David! Why would we
empty our accounts totally unexpectedly, then try and scam back possibly less
than what we already had? It wasn't us. We are innocent.
Dave: So it's a
thief?
Andrew: More than likely.
And they aren't us.
[Another pause.]
Dave: So... we tell them
the truth... and they believe us... and they put the money back...
Andrew:
...yeah...
Dave: ...what then? What's
to stop it getting stolen? AGAIN?
Nigel: Look, don't panic,
Dave! We can contact the credit union, we tell them what's what. Fill out a few
forms, answer a few questions, we'll be fine.
Dave: Except we all need
new cards.
Andrew: OK, an extra week
here or there. This is just, you know. A dry patch.
Dave: So... the best case
scenario is... we are completely broke for the next month.
[Beat.]
Nigel: Pretty
much.
[Beat.]
Nigel: So...
Andrew: You still got that two dollars I gave you, Dave?
Dave: Yeah.
Why?
[Andrew and Nigel slowly turn to look at Dave. Dave
pales. Then he sprints.]
Dave: I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!!!!
