Friday, September 21, 2007

Non-Obligatory Ninth Doctor birthfic

Well, what better way to cure a deathfic than to write a birthfic? This is the companion piece of Farewell to Shadowlands, showing what happened before and after the Eighth Doctor dallied with the afterlife (for what it's worth, Charley and C'Rizz appear to have completely different fates before the Time War starts and Destrii appears to survive). Imagine you have the first episode of Season 27 told not from Rose's point of view, but the Doctor's...



R.O.S.E - Return Of Some Extra-terrestrials


Everything is prepared. We believe. We are faithful. The operation will begin... soon.

#

The Doctor woke up screaming.

He often did that. Well, of late. The sudden jolt into consciousness gave him enough stimuli to block out the nightmares he suffered – at least long enough for him to get tangled up in some other distraction. Yes, other people’s problems seemed so desirable nowadays. Unlike his own, they seemed solvable.

The Doctor got off the battered chaise lounge and looked around the control room of his battered Time And Relative Dimension In Space machine. The old girl had not been the latest model when he’d borrowed her some millennia ago, and after the damage sustained during the War she was being run on the smell of artron energy and an old pair of tights.

The control chamber was now large and vaguely dome-shaped, supported by curving bronze root-like pillars and composed of overlapping bronze plates. He’d managed to keep a type of roundel decoration out of nostalgia, but now found himself trying to avoid looking at the pattern – it reminded him too much of Dalek sensor domes.

The Doctor strode up the gantry towards the control console. It had been taken apart and put back together so many times most of its circuitry was exposed and half the control systems replaced with whatever seemed workable at the time.

‘Where to next?’ he muttered bitterly and adjusted the controls. ‘Ah, yes, the Nestene Consciousness. Back to Earth then, I suppose.’

The whole structure shook and vibrated around him as the tired sound of the relative dimensional stabilizer boomed in his ears. How he used to bitch about his old ship – he never knew when he was well off. The TARDIS shook once more and then stabilized. The 25th century Sumaron laptop bolted to the console showed the pale-blue orb of Earth and its solitary moon.

With a dismissive sigh, the Doctor punched up the search program and stood back. His half-hearted mission after the end of the War was to see just how extensive the damage was and what – if any – aid he could provide. The Nestene Consciousness was the latest on a long line of civilizations annihilated in the cross-fire. The colonies, protein planets, even the home world were blasted and dead. Only a few anomalous energy readings gave any clue what had happened to the natives.

A space-time warp-shunt, bridging the Nestene home world back to the Earth of the early twenty-first century. They had something of a ready-made base there, the scattered remnants of several invasion attempts already waiting for them. The Doctor had naively hoped the Nestene Consciousness would abide by the rules of the Shadow Proclamation and co-exist peacefully (and, indeed, secretly if need be) with the humans, but as the scanner worked its way across the Earth, that idealism died.

The shunt was located somewhere in England, in the latter months of the year 2005. Tiny sparks of high-concentrated psi-energy flickered across the island, presumably originating from the sole surviving Nestene. Obviously, its Auton duplicates had managed to set up minor transmitters across London, with the Consciousness itself beneath the main transmitter.

Psi-readings have no physical dimension, and even the sensors of the TARDIS couldn’t guess the true location until the Nestene Consciousness used the main transmitter. Only echoes were available. ‘And they’ll just have to do,’ the Doctor muttered.

Flipping some more controls, the navigational computers locked onto the probably source of a secondary transmitter and the labored grating of the engines began once again. As the TARDIS swayed and shuddered, the Doctor slipped on his battered leather jacket and shook out his long mane of chestnut curls. He glanced at the occasional table and picked up a Cyrrenic Empire thermite pack. He had run out of nitro-9 a long time back.

The TARDIS shook itself back into time and space and the Doctor strode down the exit ramp to the real-world interface, white-painted police box doors. The Doctor pulled open the left-hand door and stepped out of the TARDIS, letting the rickety panel slam shut behind him.

He was in the outskirts of the city, the TARDIS parked in the entrance to a gloomy alleyway opening onto the main street. Clothing stores were winding down as the sun set and the Doctor immediately spotted around fifty clothing dummies in shop windows, the more obvious targets for the Nestenes to animate.

Slipping the thermite pack into his jacket pocket, the Doctor produced his latest sonic screwdriver and began to program it for a wide-broadcast burst. Without taking his eyes off the slender metal device, he strode across the main road at the exact moment the traffic slowed to the point he could cross. He walked past the large, four-story clothing store Henrik’s and into the side alley.

The plan was simple. When activated, the sonic screwdriver would release a sub-ether pulse similar to a Nestene energy signature – effectively saying there was another consciousness on Earth. The genuine intelligence would have to check, and thus activate the transmitter on the roof to in turn activate plastic in the area so it could investigate. By that time, the Doctor would use the transmitter to trace the signal back to its source, then destroy said transmitter with a thermite pack. The resulting shockwave would confuse the Nestene Consciousness long enough for him to travel there in the TARDIS and make his ultimatum.

After that, the Nestene Consciousness would either leave Earth or... Well, there was a vial of anti-plastic back in the TARDIS the Doctor fully expected to use. A part of him complained he was resorting to such solutions far too easily nowadays, but he silenced it. He didn’t expect the Nestene Consciousness would surrender quietly, but if it did, he would bare it no malice.

Of course, if the Nestene Consciousness realized he was the Doctor, it might very well bare him malice.

The Doctor snorted to himself and hauled open the red fire exits, idly glancing at a poster on the door. Inside steps led down to a long, brightly-lit concrete passage. A clothes rack stuffed with designer dresses stood to one side, abandoned. The Doctor slipped inside, letting the door swing shut behind him.

Now, as the shop would probably be closing soon, the best thing to do was find somewhere to hide and then ascend to the roof. The basement would probably be a good place to start.

He took the first turning and, passing through a curtain of transparent plastic, found his way to a lift. The Doctor punched the call button and waited. The dull surface of the lift doors gave a weak reflection: a gaunt, tall figure in a dark leather coat and drab clothing beneath. He had once worn more colorful, flamboyant clothes, in happier times. But now those clothes were rags and he had decided not to find replacements. No one left to comment on his choice.

The lift doors parted and the Doctor stepped inside, pressing the basement control. The lift began its descent, so much smoother than the TARDIS, the Time Lord thought ruefully. All too soon it had reached the basement level, a similarly industrial area.

The Doctor followed the signs to the storage area, walking down a long corridor with dummy-filled alcoves dotting the harsh concrete walls. Then, a pair of double doors lead to a pitch-dark chamber. The Doctor’s keen eyes picked out the two rows of mannequins lining the chamber, twisted in awkward stances and with a random collection of new clothes hanging on them.

They might not be Autons, but they would certainly be the first thing activated. And they could kill a human being quite easily even if they were simple mannequins.

‘What to do,’ he muttered, fingering the silver rod. ‘What to do.’ He didn’t expect an answer.

He glanced at his watch. Half an hour till closing time. Either he staged some kind of evacuation before activating the sonic screwdriver or he just waited until the shop was over. It was simpler to do the latter, but that gave his darker thoughts half an hour to get stuck into him. He blew out his cheeks.

The Doctor turned and walked across the chamber to a second set of doors. He pulled them open and jumped back in surprise as he realized a humanoid silhouette was standing there already. To his relief, the newcomer was just as startled. Human then.

A balding man with a bristling white toothbrush moustache wearing a starched uniform stared at him, grasping for words to say. The Doctor hastily thrust his right hand behind his back, keeping the sonic screwdriver out of sight.

‘Who are you?’

The Doctor delved into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. ‘Doctor Bowman from Head Office, I think you’ll find.’

The man looked at the paper suspiciously. A smile tugged at the corner of the Doctor’s mouth when the human nodded. Psychic paper. One last birthday present from C’Rizz. ‘I’m the Chief Electrical Officer,’ the man growled in a thick accent. ‘Sorry, I thought it were Derek down here, playing pranks.’

‘There’s no once else down here, Chief Electrical Officer,’ the Doctor assured him.

‘I’ll take yer word for it.’

‘You do that.’

‘Why are you here?’

The Doctor didn’t quite manage to stop himself sighing in exasperation. He had for a long time found humanity’s naivete rather charming, but it had grown tiresome. There was also the curious habit of any human he explained things to ending up dead soon after.

‘There is a war of terror, is there not, Chief Electrical Officer?’ the Doctor demanded.

The human blinked. ‘War on terror I thought, sir. Er, Doctor.’

The Doctor smiled thinly. ‘That’s right. Terrorism. Destruction. Paranoia. A war of ideology you can’t fight.’ He felt his temper rising. He was patronizing this stupid human, who’s perceptions were so limited. They called this a war? If they only knew... He winced. He was blaming those who did not deserve it. ‘I’m here for a safety test. I want the entire building evacuated immediately.’

‘But, well, now? Shop closes in a quarter hour and Rose’ll be down in a bit with the lottery syndicate.’

‘Terrorism doesn’t wait for Rose and the lottery syndicate, Chief Electrical Officer,’ the Doctor snapped. ‘Why else do you think I haven’t informed the manager? A bomber has no inclination to play fair. Now, I want you to put things in motion. I don’t care how much panic or confusion there is, get everyone out of here. Make it natural, Head Office need to judge the real situation.’

He had unconsciously let his arm fall to his side, revealing his trusty all-purpose tool.

‘You think anyone is going to listen to me? You think I’m going to listen to you “Doctor”? How do I know that you’re not the bomber, eh?’

So close, yet so far. ‘Look,’ the Doctor said reasonably, ‘I’m sure that we can work something...’

The electrician grabbed the screwdriver and looked it over. ‘What is this thing you’ve been playing with, anyway?’ he demanded, fingering the on switch.

‘Uh, no, wait,’ the Doctor began.

Too late. The electrician thumbed the control. The bulb at the end of the sonic screwdriver glowed an incandescent blue as the shrill noise filled the air.

‘No!’

#

What? What is this? Another one of us? Divert power direct to circuit 9. Activate – investigate!

#

‘No! No, no, no, you stupid human fool!’ the Doctor shouted, wrenching the control from the electrician.

‘What are you on about?’ he complained.

‘The lure’s activated prematurely, we’ve got to get out of here!’ the Doctor shouted.

‘But why?’ demanded the man, before he realized. His face fell.

Around them, the plastic mannequins were swaying from side to side, as if in a breeze. But there was no breeze down here. First one, then two, then three mannequins turned, their sightless eyes aimed directly at the two intruders. Jerkily, they lurched from their positions.

#

There is no one of us here! Human witnesses? Destroy them immediately! No one must know of our presence on this planet. Destroy them!

#

The mannequins were closing in on the Time Lord and the human, forcing them away from the inner door.

The Doctor turned around, seeing that not all of the dummies were coming to life. These must be pure Autons left over from the earlier invasion attempts. Bang goes that theory, then. The Autons were swiveling from side to side in confusion, wondering where they were and why they had been activated.

‘Come on, man, run for it!’ the Doctor yelled and sprinted across the store room. He twisted the base of the sonic screwdriver, altering the frequencies. ‘If I can reverse the polarity of the signal base, I can stun them back into dormancy – just for a few moments,’ he shouted over his shoulder. The problem was it would take a minute or so for the screwdriver to charge up sufficiently.

Already the Autons had started to march towards them, forming a plastic wall closing in.

Their prey scrambled over an inconvenient heap of empty cardboard boxes to reach the other exit. The Doctor pressed the release bar on the doors as the electrician sprinted towards him.

They burst through the heavy doors into the corridor out, but stopped short to find another mannequin standing there, waiting for them.

The Auton raised its hands. The fingers clicked and dropped away to reveal concave holes. Barrels for in-built projected energy weapons.

The electrician didn’t have time to swear before the Auton fired its left hand.

He spun, reeling into the concrete wall and tumbled, face-down to the ground.

‘Oh, no,’ the Doctor groaned. ‘Not again.’

The Auton turned its right blaster to the Doctor, whose horrified gaze was locked on the human’s corpse.

He barely noticed when it fired.

#

There must be no witnesses. Total destruction.

#

The Doctor fell backwards, crashing to the hard floor.

The sonic screwdriver clattered away from his hand. He was unable to hear the building whir. There was no point now, anyway. He was dying.

His surroundings blurred in and out of view. Stupid. So very stupid. He had got himself and that human killed for nothing, and now the Nestenes were unopposed in their conquest of Earth. He never thought it would end like this. Deep down, he’d never thought it would end.

The Auton turned to the human’s body, both hand blasters aimed at the still chest. After a long moment, it fired repeatedly. The body exploded into a surging vortex of billowing red sparks, consumed into a whiff of ozone and carbon dioxide.

The sudden rushing roar reached the Doctor. His eyes opened to a slit, struggling to work out what was happening. He was too weak to react when he realized the human was no longer beside him. He could only think how sad it was, how close they had been to escape.

The Auton turned to face the remaining body as a shudder ran through it.

A random thought blossomed into clarity for an instant. Pain, he felt no pain. Darkness was engulfing his mind, swallowing everything which resembled life. At least he wasn’t running anymore. He was tired of watching people die. So very tired.

It was nearly complete, the darkness around him. All but two distant beacons of light which flashed once, twice, then blinked out. He was safe at last.

#

Power insufficient. Need to recharge.

#

The Auton turned and marched jerkily down the passage back to the storage section. The dead body lay where it had fallen, and beyond that lay the sonic screwdriver. Its tip glowed a vivid sapphire blue before turning a shrill white.

The Auton, which had reached the threshold of the doors to the other section, spasmed and jerked. Struggling to control its movements, it stumbled back into the gloom.

#

Interference! What is this? Emergency! Resume positions, everythin... mus... normal... ... it can’t... fight it...

#

The tip of the sonic screwdriver glowed white for a long moment, then extinguished itself.

For a moment, there was silence.

A strange organic orange glow coalesced around the discarded body, growing thicker and brighter before suddenly escalating into a brilliant white flash. The flashed dispersed, and the body rolled onto its back, limbs straightening out. It began to breathe in and out once more.

#

......fi... sto........bre... eak.....thr...ou...gh...must...inter...fe...

#

Awareness returned, slowly and carefully. The pain grew worse, the torment in his body refusing to wear off. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been lying there, oblivious to everything except the pain that clawed at him. His whole body ached unbearably as he opened his eyes. It took a few minutes for them to focus and he managed to stifle a groan.

Fragmented memories dawned in his mind, some of them good, mostly bad. Others were beginning to settle, returning to familiar notches within his brain, memories of things the Doctor had done. More and more memories flew about in his skull, then dropped with a mental thud into place. Everything seemed to be there, finally there were no more wandering thoughts.

The Doctor rolled and climbed slowly to his feet, supporting himself against the wall. As his equilibrium steadied, he looked around. The dizziness came and went. He’d knocked over a cleaning bucket, causing a slight racket which jabbed, needle-like into his skull.

He was in a brightly-lit concrete corridor, somewhere underground judging by the air density. He turned and saw the caged alcove where a mannequin was frozen, one hand extended out between the bars as if offering itself to be shaken.

Sudden tremors wracked him, jerking his muscles sharply. The Doctor gasped to breathe normally and fought against the twitches. It felt as if his nervous system had shorted. He scowled. Think.

Mannequins. Plastic. Nestene. Autons. The numb, thudding pain – regeneration trauma.

He was alive. He knew who he was. And he was back.

The Autons were frozen in place. The intelligence was blocked, but how...?

The Doctor turned and noticed the silver rod abandoned in the corner. Good old sonic screwdriver. That meant he had around fifteen minutes before they re-animated. He turned to look at the imprisoned Auton, and saw a spasm run through it, mimicking the agony he had felt before. The Doctor flinched, knocking the cleaning bucket over yet again. He left it where it fell this time.

Obviously, those fifteen minutes were very nearly over. Time to leave. The pain in his new body was starting to fade, but every movement was agony. But the Autons were hardly likely to give him a chance to rest. He turned and moved up the corridor towards the lift, eyes glazed with pain, his expression tight.

‘Wilson? Wilson?’

The Doctor stopped and turned. A voice. Human. Female. London accent, reasonably young too. Oh, no. Not another shop worker blundering into this mess. The dead man had mentioned something about a lottery syndicate. Gritting his teeth, the Doctor turned and staggered back towards the store room.

#

Interference... clearing! Restoration. What is this? Another human? Scan. No other life forms left in vicinity – bar the other corpse. Not enough energy left for handgun units. Very well. Use brute force. Human bodies die so easily. Destroy her.

#

Every inch of his body was quaking in pain but he kept it from his face as he slipped around the door. A girl of around twenty stood, backed up against the wall surrounded by all the Autons. The other mannequins remained where they were, lifeless. The girl closed her eyes in fear as the one who had shot the Doctor not long ago raised its right hand in preparation to strike.

The Doctor slipped forward and placed his hand in hers. Her skin was hot to the touch, and she instinctively grabbed hold. Narrowed brown eyes swiveled to look at him.

‘Run,’ the Doctor ordered – idly noticing that something was odd about his voice.

He turned and ran out into the corridor, dragging the girl behind him. Luckily, his new body was more or less the same size as his old one, and the clothes still fitted. He burst into a run, the adrenaline temporarily deadening the agony he felt. The girl kept pace.

The Auton in the cage was marching on the spot, fully animated but impotent. Behind them, the horde of mannequins burst through the double doors and marched awkwardly towards them. With their energy weapons disabled, they would need to use all their strength on moving.

The Doctor and the girl burst through the second set of doors and there stood the lift, just as he left it. The Doctor leapt forward the last pace and hit the open button on the doors. He and the girl dived inside the cubicle just as the Autons smashed through the doors behind them.

The Doctor stamped the first floor button and then close doors button as the pasty-coloured figures lurched towards them. The doors slid out from the sides of the doorway, the leader Auton reached through the narrowing gap for the Doctor’s neck. Suddenly, the open palm came to life, fingers and thumbs flexing and grabbing for the Time Lord’s throat.

The Doctor clamped one hand around the plastic wrist and struggled to shove the arm back out of the lift. The doors were now being jammed by the arm and the Autons’ face. Plastic was being shaved off in the places the doors were biting into the mannequin’s head.

The sensor should have re-opened the doors, the Doctor thought absently. Good thing this store’s safety practices are so poor. With a twisting motion, he yanked on the arm and it came free from the dummy’s shoulder socket. Instantly the arm froze in place as the Nestene influence was broken.

The doors re-commenced closing, forcing the Auton leader back out into the corridor. Finally they shut and the lift began its ascent.

The Doctor examined the severed limb in his hand, deliberately avoiding looking at the blurry reflection in the lift doors. ‘You pulled his arm off,’ said the girl behind him. He wasn’t sure if she was horrified at the thought or simply confirming what she had seen.

‘Yep,’ the Doctor replied, tossing it over his shoulder. He heard the girl catch it. ‘Plastic.’

‘Oh, very clever. Nice.’ The girl was almost relieved. ‘Who were they then? Students? Is this a student thing or what?’

The adrenaline was starting to wear off. He was starting to feel cold. He wrapped his arms around him, trying to warm up. He focussed his attention on the girl. Blonde hair, but dark brown roots – her eyebrows were dark too. She wore a pink top and some cheap perfume. He could just smell the remains of a fried bacon sandwich on her lips. Her knuckles were white as she clutched the mannequin arm. Shock, he assumed. ‘Why would they be students?’ he asked.

‘I dunno,’ the girl replied, blinking in confusion.

‘Well, you said it,’ the Doctor reminded her. ‘Why students?’

‘Cause... to get that many people dressed up and being silly... They gotta be students.’

He grinned. ‘That makes sense. Well done,’ he said to her.

‘Thanks.’

The Doctor turned to look at the indicator. ‘They’re not students.’

‘Well, whoever they are, when Wilson finds ’em, he’s gonna call the police.’

‘Who’s Wilson?’

‘Chief Electrician,’ the girl explained.

The Doctor turned his attention to the doors. The lift had reached the ground floor. ‘Wilson’s dead,’ he announced as he emerged and, snatching the sonic screwdriver from his pocket, switched it on and aimed it at the call button.

‘That’s just not funny,’ the girl snapped, following him out. ‘That’s sick!’

He turned and guided her past the clothes rack outside the lift. ‘Hold on,’ he told her, returning to the call button. ‘Mind your eyes,’ he ordered. A stream of blue energy flowed over the controls before they exploded and shorted out.

That would delay them. For a few seconds, at least. Of course, the Autons could just use the stairs. Indeed, there were probably quite a few on this level already heading towards them. Time to go, Doctor. He pocketed his screwdriver and scrambled in what he hoped was the direction of the fire doors he had entered by all that time ago.

‘I’ve had enough of this,’ the blonde girl was complaining, running after him. ‘Who are you then?’ she cried. ‘Who’s that lot down there?’

So many answers, but no intention of giving them, the Doctor thought. He turned a corner and saw the doors he needed at the end of this corridor. Might as well answer her question. ‘They’re made of plastic,’ he told her over his shoulder. ‘Living plastic creatures – and they’re being controlled by a relay device on the roof. Which would be a great big problem if I didn’t have this!’

He slipped the thermite pack from his jacket and primed it. It began to beep innocently.

The Time Lord leapt up the steps and opened the door for the girl who was staring at him in shock now. ‘So, I’m going to take this upstairs and blow them up and I might well die in the process but don’t worry about me! No, you go home! Go home and have your lovely beans on toast!’

His voice was light but he was getting angry. The girl’s insistence to know what was going on was laudable but inconvenient – and his heckles had found themselves rising ever since the stupid human had attempted to rationalize what the Autons were. After all, the same ‘rationalization’ had just got him killed less than half an hour ago. Whether it was Wilson and his terrorists or this girl and her students, their blind refusal to accept the war under their feet was... was...

Envious, he supposed.

The girl wandered out into the alley, her eyes still fixed on his. ‘Don’t tell anyone about this because, if you do, you’ll get them killed,’ he said firmly. Even in the best case scenario the Nestene Consciousness would be on the look out for any anomalies – and keeping a low profile. One mention of ‘window dummies coming to life’ and there was no knowing what might happen.

He ducked back into the centre and hauled the fire door closed behind him.

A thought crossed his mind.

He flung the door back open and the girl was still standing there, holding the Auton arm. She flinched at his sudden return. ‘I’m the Doctor by the way,’ he said with exaggerated politeness. ‘What’s your name?’

The girl stared at him. ‘Rose,’ she murmured.

Nice name. ‘Nice to meet you, Rose,’ the Doctor said, feeling almost excited at the shock waves he was sending through her perceptions. He raised the thermite pack. ‘Run for your life!’ he commanded, effortlessly slamming through her never-used telepathic defenses.

She would run for her life. She would go home.

As he slammed the door again and ran back through the dim passages it struck him he would rather have gone with her. He scowled at the thought, then winced at the pain in his new facial muscles when he scowled. He would have to look at the mirror sooner or later.

#

That is no human. Follow him. He must be heading for the receiver. Stop him!

#

Night had fallen. The orange-red glare of the street lights below blotted out most of the stars in the pitch dark sky. The Doctor wasn’t sure to whether to enjoy seeing a new night with new eyes, or mourn the fact his old ones had not been able to watch that final sunset.

Time for that later, he told himself and sprinted over to the unimpressive collection of waxy plastic, crudely fashioned into a receiving dish. The Time Lord crouched over it and placed the thermite pack next to the device. His long fingers – still dancing with pins and needles – manipulated it to a detonation in five minutes which would wipe the roof clean of just about everything.

‘Stop,’ drawled a voice behind him.

The Doctor turned. A man in a business suit stood, swaying drunkenly in the doorway. Judging by the sweat leaking off him, he was a real human being, and the suit he wore suggested he worked for the company. A jemmy was gripped in one pudgy hand.

‘I don’t suppose telling you to resist the evil influence in your mind will help at all, will it?’

‘STOP!’ the man moaned, drool pooling in his mouth.

‘Thought not.’ The poor sod must have been hypnotized by the duplicate workers who installed this. Still, no time for that now. ‘Don’t mind me, you carry on.’ He twisted the dial on the thermite pack. Thirty seconds on maximum TAD. Time to leave the ZMI.

Stupid military lingo, the Doctor thought as he turned and scrambled over the side of the building and onto the ledge outside. He was best out of that. Bad enough spending years working for Earth’s military, let alone the armies involved in the War.

His last sight of the top of Henrik’s was the stairwell door bursting open and the army of Autons crashing through, just as the managing director or whoever dropped the jemmy and lurched towards the thermite pack, arms open as if pleading for his life.

The Time Lord grabbed hold of the rain water pipe and, wincing as the rough surface dug into his new hands, plummeted down the side of the building. Around the second floor he let go and, after a nice bit of bouncing off a dumpster, reached the side alley.

Above him, the thermite pack exploded.

The brilliant red flash blossomed across the top of the department store before the shock wave tore through the level below, reducing the building to a brick pillar of fire in the night sky. Blobs of melting plastic, singed furniture and general debris came crashing down on the street below.

The Doctor blinked as a burning red sofa crashed into the middle of the road just as every alarm system in the high street went off. That type of explosion would release a particular wavefront of energy that UNIT should pick up and identify as alien in origin. He should have thought of that before. That meant he had a few minutes to get back to the TARDIS before Central London was closed off pending investigation.

Ducking through the panicking locals, the Doctor kept his eye out for a blonde girl in pink carrying a plastic arm.

No sign of her.

He finally reached his time machine and sagged against the door, mechanically moving the long curls out of his eyes. Except they weren’t there – his new hair was razor-cut to outline of his head. That military haircut was probably programmed into the regeneration cycle, he thought bitterly and unlocked the TARDIS doors. Still, at least without that long girly hair and the baby face that made eight out of ten females and five out of ten males want to mate with him was gone.

‘C’est la vie,’ he murmured and entered his time machine.

The warm embrace of atron energy washed away the short-circuit pains in his body and, feeling tired, he wandered up to the console. The chamber was lit by a pleasant green glow and he had to admit, as last-second replacements went, this was pretty good. He initiated take off, enjoying the slight flicker of energy behind the roundels. Ah, who cared if they reminded him of Daleks? There was nothing else to do that these days.

He slumped into his pilot’s chair as the TARDIS returned to low-orbit and began scanning for the highest concentration of Nestene energy – the Consciousness itself would certainly be shielded, but any of its agents would not be so lucky. All he had to do was find it, link it up to the telemetric circuitry and finally thrash out things with that blob of plastic. Assuming of course, it hadn’t taken up that ridiculous octopus-cum-spider-cum-crab shape it had developed a fetish for.

Ah, well, it was the 1970s.

The Doctor leant back in the chair, so determined not to spy his reflection in the time rotor, the surface of the console or the laptop that he was only half-aware he’d fallen asleep.

#

Pain! Pain! So much death! What has done this? Who has done this? We have been here before. One of the humans must have been waiting for us... Or an alien on Earth No... It can’t be! They are all dead – we refuse to believe it. But that alien who returns from the grave... Who could it be? Who else could it be? How to determine. Wait. Activate the piece of us closest to him...

#

Someone who had no idea of events happening threw a severed plastic arm into a large rubbish can in the shade of a London housing estate. As it struck the bottom, the arm convulsed. The tiny traces of skin cells left on the smooth surface suddenly disappeared and finally the arm came to a rest at last.

#

It can’t be...

It can’t be...

It might be.


We must prepare.

#

‘No!’ the Doctor screamed as he awoke.

His hearts hammered in his chest and he looked around, taking in the confines of his battered time machine. Home. Safe. He let his head fall back and his eyes close.

Nightmares. Different ones.

Not the atrocities of the Time War, or the faces of his companions as their history was undone, but something else. Fantasies. He saw himself and a human woman called Emma running through a ruined castle on Terserus, pursued by Daleks and the Master on a zimmerframe. He saw the Master again, this time reduced to an android butler as the Time Lord sent him on yet another mission to 20th century Earth to deal with an alien invasion. He saw himself sitting for a portrait by his new artist companion, enjoying the sun rise at the Eye of Orion, tumbling through a black hole on a space station, facing a Cyberman invasion of Manhatten in 1994, facing the runners of Pandrolyn history tour, the caverns of blood, the Sundarians, facing Ruth and a hideous creature in the DEEP...

‘Lies! All lies!’ the Doctor screamed getting to his feet.

All paths he could have taken – would have taken had the War ended different. A new and intriguing expression for his guilt to take. He didn’t need this. He was better than this. Sitting around a wrecked TARDIS having nightmares about things he couldn’t change... Who the hell did he think he was? Bruce Wayne? There was more to life than this!

Odd how he thought of that girl now. Rose. Rose Alley, San Francisco, 1999 – the last time he had faced the Change. Probably a coincidence.

Ah, a distraction.

The console had detected a psi-spike. Definitely Nestene energy. He set the TARDIS to home in on the focus and, as his craft trembled and juddered around him, the Doctor was already heading for the doors.

The TARDIS solidified in reality and the Doctor burst out of the doors.

Early morning sunshine cut through the clouds left from the fire the previous night, the street left in shadow. The Doctor closed and locked the door behind him, glancing at his watch as it struggled to reorient itself in this time zone. The following day, 7:02 in the morning. The spike had occurred several hours ago.

Oh, well. He didn’t have anything special planned.

#

In a dustbin not far away, the hand softened, flexed. The arm was now alive.

#

He – if it is him – is here. Do what needs to be done.

#

The arm twisted into an impossible summersault that lifted it into mid air. Its nailess fingertips clamped into the concrete above and, with a mechanical dexterity never before witnessed, it scuttled, spider-like up the wall of the estate and upwards. It needed to get a better look at its surroundings, prepare a trap. Humans were so wrapped up in themselves they wouldn’t notice.

#

The Doctor switched on his sonic screwdriver and it glowed and buzzed in its hand. The Nestene energy was back. He turned and hurried across the park opposite, the grass on either side still moist with dew. He wondered just what the Nestene Consciousness was animating this time. He doubted whatever it was would be an immediate danger – they would need to keep a low profile after last night.

It took him about an hour to track the signal.

As the sun rose higher into the sky, he found himself trying to triangulate the signal as he ran around garages and trees. Some of the graffiti looked interesting and he made a note to examine it better the next time he had a chance – that symbol surely couldn’t be what it seemed to be.

Finally, he came to a rest at the bottom of a stairwell that zig-zagged up between the two housing blocks. Stairs. He tried not to sigh – he’d done far too much of that lately – and, with one final check at the sonic screwdriver before he pocked it, began to ascend.

#

He approaches!

#

The hand stopped its ascent and twisted through a broken pane of glass and leaped across to the front door of the nearest apartment. Footsteps echoed up the well towards it and the hand scuttled to the cat-flap in the door and pressed hard against the surface. The screws holding it closed slowly but surely gave way and, with moments to spare, dived inside.

Levitating upwards, it scrambled across the ceiling and then dropped behind a sofa. Two human females were there, oblivious as ever. Soon, the alien would arrive and the hand would take the Nestene equivalent of great pleasure in crushing its trachea.

#

The Doctor paused between stair cases to catch his breath and look out across London. It was almost surreal how calm things were so close to the invasion. He reminded himself that after this he had to drop by and visit Lethbridge-Stewart, show off the new face. The old man had insisted ever since that time he had let a tramp stay in the guest room for two months believing him to be a newly-regenerated Doctor.

The Time Lord sucked up a lungful of air and checked his screwdriver. Close, very close.

He scrambled up another two flights of stairs and stood before an apartment door. He checked the screwdriver. Bingo. Carefully, he pocketed the tool and went to check the door to see if it was locked.

That was when he noticed the cat flap – the metal hatch seemed to have warped around a handprint. Very odd. The Doctor crouched down and angled his face closer to the flap. Definitely a hand-print. But no fingerprints, which suggested that the Auton was trying to shove its hand through the cat-flap. Why? Why not knock the door down? Or, even better, open it like any normal plastic anthropomorphism?

He tapped the flap with frustration and was startled when, a second later, it was opened from the inside.

A face stared back through the cat flap at him in surprise that mirrored his own.

The Doctor leaped to his feet and dusted himself down in the moment it took the face to vanish from the cat flap and unlock the door. The portal opened to reveal a blonde girl wearing a shoulder-less grey top over a white bra, her hair slightly messy and a haunted look at the back of her brown eyes.

It was her.

It was Rose.

‘What are you doing here?’ the Doctor asked, dumbfounded.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Paddy V Clarke

My grandfather died twelve minutes ago.

Peacefully, and two weeks after they thought he was a gonner.

My mum and dad were five minutes from seeing him. They were parking in the hospital carpark when the phone rang. They were going there to say goodbye and they just missed him.

And so the 'if onlys' start.

If only they'd had a shorter lunch. If only I hadn't monopolized the phone call with the news Summer Heights High now needs a disclaimer at the start. If only they'd left yesterday.

Right now I sit at home, alone bar my pets. Half of me wishes I was with them in Canberra, the other half is glad I don't have to see it.

And all of me is sad.

ANOTHER Doctor Who Spin-Off!

Yes. Once again I struggle to prove that I am a greater writer than Chris Chinball. Well, I say struggle, but I have yet to break a sweat (mind you, I'm talking about the Chris Chinball that perpetrated Cyberwoman and End of Days, not 42 or that Life of Mars episode). Once again, I vaguely slag him off in attempt to assert my own genius. Here is the pilot episode for a spin off of my main Doctor Who series I wrote between 2000 and 2003. Basically, it's pretty much the same as Doctor Who - as it focusses on a wandering Time Lord and his unlikely assortment of companions.

A spin off from my story Escaping the Past, there is the half-human half-Gallifreyan Time Lord Ajon, his human friend Cathy and her husband, the half-human half-something else Wycliff Greymalkin (Craig Charles) who is an ex-companion of the Doctor and one-time TARDIS Librarian.

All I can ask is... is this better than Torchwood?

Some history. The newly-regenerated Ninth Doctor (Alan Davies) has decided to make some changes - specifically leaving Cora Destrii (Alysson Hannigan) behind with some old friends, while he continues onwards alone...




INCIDENT ON EPSILON-GAMMA

EPISODE ONE by EWEN CAMPION-CLARKE

1. GROUNDS

We see a tight shot of some trees. In front of this, the TARDIS slowly materializes, then falls silent.


2. CONTROL ROOM

The time rotor slows to a halt. The door is open. Cora is wearing a coat and carrying a few carry bags.

Cora: I’ll miss you.

Doctor: I’ll miss you terribly, but my mind is made up.

Cora: You’re sure about this?

Doctor: Yes, I’m sure. But don’t think it makes this any easier.

Cora: [deep breath] OK. Ah, well...

Doctor: [looks up] Yes?

Cora: I... I...

Doctor: Yes?

Cora: [sighs] Nothing. Goodbye, then.

Doctor: Goodbye, Cora.

Cora nods, turns and leaves. The Doctor doesn’t watch her go. He simply closes the doors and begins to power up the console. The time rotor slowly begins to oscillate once more. The Doctor watches it move.

Doctor: [softly] Just you and me now. What people will we meet? What places shall we go? What things will we see? Just you and me, like it always was. [smiles] Where to next?

A lamp begins to blink on the console. He frowns and crosses to it.

Doctor: How odd. Emergency stop. That hasn’t happened in... well, in a very long time, that’s for sure. [flips controls] Let’s just see what’s out there, hmm?

The scanner activates, showing the swirling colours of the time vortex.

Doctor: Ah. The space-time intersection around the planet... [checks display] Epsilon... Epsilon-Gamma. Around 1400 BC unless I’m very much mistaken. Good grief!

He crosses to the scanner, seeing something in the maelstrom.

Doctor: That’s a fantastic dimension anomaly! Almost... almost like a TARDIS... But it’s massive! Still, Doctor. Shouldn’t rush to conclusions. Not yet. [sighs] Nowhere else to go.

He crosses to the console and begins to operate controls. Suddenly, the room lurches, throwing the Doctor against the wall. Everything ripples, distorts and convulses.

Doctor: [dist] What’s happening? Must try the coordinate override!

He lurches to controls and operates them. The room lurches again and the distortion ends. The time rotor begins to slow down. Grimacing in pain, the Doctor slumps and collapses – as the lights go out altogether. Silence and darkness falls over them.



RUN NINTH DOCTOR’S TITLE SEQUENCE.

(Earth slowly sinks over the horizon of the moon. Suddenly, the planetoid explodes in a fantastic burst of light and sound. It clears to show the spinning shape of the TARDIS, which veers away to the left. We follow it as the butterfly hues of the time vortex coalesce around the spinning police box. It tumbles away as something appears and grows larger, turning end over end. It is the shimmering words DOCTOR WHO. It reaches us and stops its rotation with a howl of TARDIS engines. A brilliant flash of white...)


1. SPACE

A spinning grey obelisk spins into view.


2. AJON’S TARDIS CONTROL ROOM

Cathy sits in the corner, reading a book. Her hair is braided and she wears a long coat. Ajon, wearing an Elizabethan cloak and suit, is brooding over the control systems. He frowns slightly as a lamp – identical to the one the Doctor noticed – begins to flash.

Ajon: [frowns] Strange. Very strange.

He activates the scanner, which shows a rippling distortion. Cathy looks up at the distortion outside as it grows worse.

Cathy: [rises] What is it, Ajon? What’s gone wrong?

Ajon: [adjusts controls] Will you check the yearometer readout, please, Cathy? I need to know the display you get.

Cathy: [crosses to console] Hmmm. 1400 BC. No, wait! 1963... Uh, 3125... Now it’s dropped down to 2007... 10,000 BC. These readings – it’s gone haywire! It’s not even stopping – just going round and round. And the others have too!

The lights begin to flicker badly. Wycliff hurries inside, pulling on a jacket.

Wycliff: The lights are pulsating - something’s funny going on.

Cathy: Thank God someone noticed.

Ajon: [doesn’t look up] It’s nice to see you up and dressed for a change. Does that mean we can expect some breakfast for once?

Wycliff: I’ll see what I can do. What’s happening?

Ajon: Nothing for you to worry about. Just a little interference. Nothing... unusual.

Cathy: Sure. Ajon, what’s gone wrong?

Ajon: Nothing for you lot to worry about! Do you want to make a cup of tea for us, eh?

Wycliff: [checks consoles] Not now.

Cathy: Every one of the instruments have gone haywire.

Wycliff: So they have.

Cathy: Why? What’s doing this?

Wycliff: What could cause all the displays to go crazy, then?

Ajon: [shakes head] No idea. I... I suppose, drifting between the bounds of time and space, we could have become caught... in this force.

Cathy: Force?

Ajon: The one holding us, Cathy... Pulling us down into its web.

Cathy: Magnetic?

Ajon: At its simplest, yes.

Wycliff: Where are we heading?

Ajon: [shakes head] I don’t know. This... influence...

Cathy: Influence? What influence?

Ajon: [irritated] How should I know? None of the instruments is giving us a sane reading and the –

The distorting noises outside get louder and louder. The room trembles violently. Ajon scrambles over to the console and begins to adjust the controls, to no avail.

Ajon: We’ve got no time for questions! The important thing is to pull the ship clear of this – whatever this is!

Wycliff: [grimly] If we can.

Cathy: If we can?!

The distortion grows massive and they are thrown to the floor.


3. SHORE

It is almost pitch dark, but the faint sounds of the waves can be heard as they strike the beach. Suddenly, here is the tortured sound of materialization through the distortion and the mudflats are briefly illuminated as Ajon’s TARDIS – in the shape of a white cabinet – appears, fades, then settles into the sand. Darkness returns.


4. AJON’S CONTROL ROOM

The trio are picking themselves off the floor. Ajon is helping Wycliff to his feet. Cathy is getting to hers, rubbing her shoulder ruefully. Wycliff crosses to the console.

Cathy: Not quite up to your usual standard, Ajon.

Ajon: There is no need for sarcasm, Mrs. Greymalkin! We’ve been plucked from the vortex by some vast force...

Wycliff: [placatingly] All right all right, so it was an uncomfortable landing! At least we’re free from the influence now.

He points at the scanner, which shows only darkness.

Wycliff: We’re clear.

Ajon: No, we are not clear. In fact...

Cathy: What? We’ve materialized, haven’t we?

Ajon: But the TARDIS is still out of control – out of our control, anyway.

Cathy: But the interference has gone, hasn’t it? Look at the scanner, we’re clear!

Ajon: Look at the instruments, Cathy. They’re all over the place. They don’t make any sense and, until we can get them to respond properly, we can do nothing. [runs hand through hair] What can be holding us here?

Cathy: And I don’t suppose you know where here is?

Ajon: No.

Cathy: Or what time period we’re in?

Ajon: None. We could be anywhere – and anywhen!

Wycliff: We seemed to be around 1400 BC, I thought.

Ajon: What makes you say that?

Wycliff: [impatient] The yearometer.

Ajon: And what does it say now? Two million years after that! The space-time readings are jammed at the start of the Humanian Era, but apart from that... nothing. All the detectors are out of order, jammed at zero or not responding at all. This interference is just as bad as it was before, if not worse!

Cathy: We don’t have any idea? It’s not just a malfunction?

Ajon: Certainly not. We didn’t stray here; we didn’t materialize by accident, we were plucked off course by something – it was either a natural phenomenon or something else, something deliberate. So the question is, are we here for a purpose?

Wycliff: Well, the only thing to do is find what’s causing it and stop it – and that means going for a bit of a wander outside.

Cathy: [unenthusiastically] Is it?

Ajon: Of course. Until the controls stabilize, we’re stuck here!

Cathy: But we don’t know what’s out there! None of the sensors are working! The atmosphere – assuming there is one – could be poisonous for all we know!

Wycliff: The force curtain can act as an airlock.

Ajon: We don’t have time to go mucking around in spacesuits!

Wycliff: Don’t we? Well, someone better just have a quick look outside without mucking around in a spacesuit, then?

Ajon nods, frowns, and then sighs when he realizes that the other two are smiling at him.

Ajon: Oh, for Omega’s sake!

Ajon opens the doors, glares at the others and strides out.

Ajon: [to himself] Charming company you keep, Ajon...


5. SHORE

The door of the TARDIS opens, letting yellow light spill out and illuminate the grassy hillocks around. Ajon steps out into the darkness, looking annoyed, and, after a moment, heads back.


6. AJON’S CONTROL ROOM

Wycliff and Cathy stand by the open doorway.

Wycliff: [calls] Hey, Ajon, are you still alive?

Ajon reenters the room, none the worse for wear. He blurs slightly as he passes through the energy barrier.

Ajon: Yes – though if you were to keep shouting like that I’ll be deaf in no time.

Wycliff: Breathable atmosphere?

Ajon: [annoyed] Just about. Certainly more civil than in here.

Cathy: So, where are we?

Ajon: I don’t know, Cathy. But, wherever it is, I have an uncomfortable feeling we’re not welcome.

Cathy: [frowns] What do you mean?

Wycliff: [interrupts] What’s it like out of there?

Ajon: Pretty bleak. Oh, we’re on some beach somewhere.

Wycliff: Any sign of dimension-anomalies or time vector generators?

Ajon: No.

Cathy: Any sign of habitation?

Ajon: None visible. We must be miles from anywhere.

Cathy: Well, if we’re going to explore, we’ll need torches.

She crosses to a storage locker and collects them. The others follow.

Ajon: Is that wise? If we’re in the middle of some kind of conflict or other, we’ll be a legitimate target for all sides, wandering around with torches at the dead of night!

Cathy: Can you hear any gunfire or bombs being dropped?

Ajon: [annoyed] Well, no...

Wycliff: And there are no troopers or soldiers outside, are there?

Ajon: [sighs] No.

Cathy: Well, if they do turn up, we’ll deal with it. In the meantime, let’s try to avoid tripping and breaking our necks in that stygian blackness out there.

Ajon: Well, we best get started. Put on a jumper, Wycliff, it’s freezing out there...

They cross to the door.


7. SHORE

Wycliff, Ajon and Cathy emerge from the TARDIS, leaving the door open. They head off into the gloom. Sea gulls screech in the distance.

Cathy: [shivers] Very cold, isn’t it?

Wycliff: And unwelcoming, just like he said.

Ajon: Yes, now, are we just going to stand here on this isolated beach or actually do something? Come on, we’ll head parallel to the shore. There should be some civilization sooner or later.

Ajon moves off into the darkness. After a few moments, he returns.

Ajon: Well, come along you two!

Wycliff: Yes, yes. Just getting an odd feeling, that’s all.

Ajon: Oh, what? Seasick?

Wycliff: [frowns] No... A sort of apprehension. Overwhelming.

Cathy: [nods] Yeah, I get that too. Like we’re not alone.

Ajon: Overwrought imaginings, you two. It’s just more quiet than you’re used to, that’s all. This beach must stretch for miles and I daresay the TARDIS made quite a bit of noise when it landed. If we weren’t the only ones here, they would be out searching for the source of the noise and probably with a lot of light. Now, come on.

Cathy: You don’t feel we’re being watched, then?

Ajon: No I do not. I am trying to be productive and work out where we are while you two share ghost stories. Concentrate on the wind direction and the temperature or something useful like that.

Cathy: Well, it feels like the Arctic out here. Maybe we’re in the polar regions of the planet?

Wycliff: Or it’s just winter. He’s right, we don’t need to give each other the creeps. Let’s get moving already.

Cathy: See anything interesting?

Ajon: Just deep mud banks stretching as far as the eye can see.

They move off into the gloom. They walk for quite a while before pausing for a halt amidst some reeds.

Ajon: That’s odd.

Cathy: What?

Ajon: I was trying to work out our position by seeing the constellations of the stars, but... Well...

Wycliff: [nods] There aren’t any. Are there?

Cathy: Maybe it’s just clouded over.

Ajon: Yes, but I thought, with this wind, the clouds would have broken by now. And something else – switch off your torches. Go on, just for a moment.

They do so. They are plunged into darkness.

Ajon: Can you still see me?

Wycliff: Just about?

Ajon: Yes, because the TARDIS is still providing light. Without it, this would be totally black. All of which suggests that there is no natural source of light on this planet.

Cathy: No sun?

Ajon: Maybe. But something is definitely blocking out the whole atmosphere. Otherwise, none of the plant life here could grow, could it? What could be causing it, I wonder. You know –

He cries out. The others turn and crouch down, switching on their torches. This picks out a large crater – lying within is the sprawled Ajon. Wycliff moves down to help him out.

Wycliff: You’ve put your foot it in this time, Ajon.

Ajon: You had to say that, didn’t you?

Wycliff: Well, it makes a change from me falling into holes all the time. [helps him up] How’s your ankle? Not sprained, I hope.

Ajon: [scowls] Strong ankles run in my family, Wycliff.

Cathy: [chuckles] Noses run in mine. Weird place for a pothole.

Ajon: Pothole? This isn’t... Oh, dear.

He bends forwards and examined the surface of the crator.

Wycliff: What is it?

Ajon: This is an impact crater.

Cathy: [joins them] A meteorite?

Ajon: No... Too small and regular... [points] See? There’s another one further up the hill. And another... This isn’t a meteorite strike... This planet has been bombed from orbit...

Cathy: But what about a meteorite?

Wycliff: What meteorite?

Cathy: Look, on Earth the dinosaurs were wiped out when a meteorite struck the planet and caused a cloud that blocked out all the atmosphere, didn’t it?

Wycliff: [sighs] It wasn’t a meteor... No, she’s more or less right.

Cathy: Could that be what has happened here?

Ajon: Then why an orbital attack? These missiles are too close together... If they had caused this displacement, we’d be walking through thick clouds of debris... No, whatever’s blocking out the light isn’t anything to do with this devastation.

Cathy: [looks around] It doesn’t look too devastated.

Ajon: No... So, was this deliberate or...

Wycliff: ...was whatever blocking out the sky stopping the full reaction of the missiles?

Cathy: How much was kept out, then?

Ajon: I can’t say without knowing what kind of missile they were using. Or what they wanted to do. Of course, it could help getting a good view of just what the damage is...

A long pause.

Wycliff: [troubled] It’s so bleak. I still get a feeling...

Cathy: Yes?

Ajon: What’s wrong now, Wycliff?

Wycliff: It’s all too quiet...

Cathy: Oh, great. You’ve jinxed it now.

Wycliff: Just the sea and the wind... This beach must stretch for miles, but still I get this feeling... this feeling of, well, deep apprehension. That we’re not the only ones here.

Cathy: As though we’re being watched?

Wycliff: Exactly.

Ajon: My dear Mister Greymalkin, if you are trying to scare the rest of us, may I say that you are doing a...

Cathy: [points] Wait, look!

She indicates over the reed-covered hillocks.

Ajon: What is it now?

Cathy: There’s some lights over there in the distance. [sighs] We must be on the other side of the bay – they look like they’re miles away from us!

Ajon: We’ll never make it on foot with all this mud around.

They move down the hill. Ajon looks around, troubled.

Ajon: [sotto] You know, Wycliff, you’re right. It is quiet.

They listen for a moment. Silence.

Cathy: [sotto] There’s not even the sound of wind.

Wycliff: Yeah... Maybe we should go back to the TARDIS and head off again at dawn?

Cathy: [urgently] Listen.

Wycliff: What?

Cathy: Shh! [sotto] Can’t you hear it?

Ajon: [sotto] Hear what, exactly?

Cathy: [sotto] That sound.

Wycliff: [shrugs] I can’t hear anything...

Ajon: Hmph. Now you’re trying to scare us, Cathy. Dear, dear. This is just immature. Stop it.

Cathy: No, Ajon – listen! [sotto] Don’t make a sound... Don’t even breath... Just listen...

For a moment, the soft noise of the waves coming in from the sea is heard. Then, a low pulsing sound – like a mechanical heartbeat. It steadily grows louder, and splits into four heartbeats. The trio switch off their torches and stand in the darkness.

Wycliff: [sotto] Something’s moving...

Ajon: [sotto] Where?

Cathy: [sotto] Over there, in the sand dunes.

We can now make out four silhouettes approaching them slowly, the heartbeat noises getting louder.

Wycliff: [sotto] What are they?

Ajon: [sotto] I can’t tell... But I think it’s time we got moving.

They turn and hurry off as the four figures step up, becoming fully visible for a moment. Twisted mixtures of man and machine, they are enclosed by a strange armor – a mixture of cybernetics and Native American Indian paraphernalia. Feathers, jewels and rags festoon their armored forms, and they wear a random assortment of clothes and weapons – shields, staffs, guns, cross-bows, helmets... The one thing they all share is their odd heads: identical white plastic moulds of a human face, but missing its jaw. They sit on necks of whirring servo mechanisms. Their blank eyes glow a fiery red. The leader, Bushido, speaks in a throaty, modulated voice.

Bushido: CONSUME... THEM...

They begin to run as fast as they can down the slope after the time travelers. Although not as fast, they do not tire and continue remorselessly. Ajon trips and falls. The others help him up and they continue onwards, their pursuers continuing after them.

Bushido: CONSUME THEM! CONSUME!

The monster’s strange face fills the view.


8. CAVE MOUTH

The trio run through the darkness towards the coastal caves.

Ajon: Whatever they are, they’re between us and the TARDIS!

Cathy: What are we going to do?

Wycliff: Hide, double back and trust to luck. Come on, in here.

He runs to the nearest cave and indicates the others follow. Behind them, the robots appear and stride towards them. Cathy reaches the end of the cave – a blank metal wall.

Cathy: It’s a dead end! We’re trapped!

Ajon: And I doubt these creatures are friendly.

Wycliff: How can you tell?

Bushido: CONSUME THEM! NOW!

The robots fill the entrance to the cave. Ajon stands in front of the others and steps forward.

Ajon: Ah. Good evening. How do you do?

Bushido: NEUTRALIZE!

Glock, a feathered robot, whips out a hand-blaster and fires. Ajon is flung against the rock wall, glowing briefly. Wycliff turns and scrabbles at the metal wall – which slides back. Standing behind it is a more uniform and gleaming military version of the robot. Glock raises its rifle and aims it at Wycliff and Cathy.

Glock: CONSUME THEM...

Wycliff: Cathy?

Cathy: Yes?

Wycliff: Duck!

Wycliff and Cathy dive for cover as Glock fires. The newcomer robot staggers, stumbles, then raises an open palm in a ‘halt’ gesture. Instantly, crackling sparks of energy lash at Glock, attacking the creature. Another military robot appears, and another.

Bushido: IMPERIALS! DESTROY THEM!

Wycliff and Cathy scramble for the exit as the two sets of robots begin to shoot at each other. In the cross-fire, two military robots are blown apart, and Glock is fried beyond recognition.


9. OUTSIDE CAVE

Wycliff and Cathy sprint into the night.

Cathy: What about Ajon?

Wycliff: He should be all right as long as he’s out of the firing line. We’ve got to stay out of sight until those two wipe each other out, so come on. Before anything else...

There is a distant whistling noise. A brilliant flash and a deafening explosion. Cathy and Wycliff are flung to the ground. Another explosion. Another.

Wycliff: What’s happening?

Cathy: We’re being dive-bombed!

The helmeted robot, Cyber Dog, lunges from the shadows and throws a grenade at them. The explosion mingles with another hail of explosions, which throws Cyber Dog back. Cathy bends over the half-conscious Wycliff, who clutches his head.

Wycliff: Quick... get going... Go on!

Cathy: You can’t be serious...

Wycliff: Get back to the TARDIS. I’ll follow once I’ve got Ajon... Now, please, get going! Quickly!

Cathy nods and sprints off into the night as another series of bombs fall. Wycliff manages to get up to his feet as Bushido, Cyber Dog and the remaining robot Kiowa loom out of the cave. Wycliff winces and raises his hands in surrender. He is gunned down.


10. CAVE MOUTH

Three blasted Imperials lie on the ground, with the remains of Glock. A squad of Imperials march back towards the cave opening. One stops as it spies Ajon’s unconscious body on the ground.


11. SHORE

The last bomb has detonated. Cathy scrambles across the moor when two grimy figures in combat fatigues leap out of the shadows and grab her. Unable to struggle, she is hauled out of sight.


12. CORRIDOR

Ajon winces and groans. He is being half-carried-half-dragged along a metal corridor by two Imperials. Others march along side.

Ajon: Wha... You two have spruced yourself up...

Imperial: YOU WILL REMAIN SILENT.

Ajon: Why? Who are you, anyway? Where am I?

Imperial: YOU ARE OUR PRISONER. REMAIN SILENT.

Ajon: All I want to know is...

Imperial: THE HIVE LORD WILL EXPLAIN. REMAIN SILENT OR WE WILL ERADICATE YOUR PHYSICAL FORM.

Ajon: All right, all right. I hate talking to underlings, anyway.

He shuts up. None of the robots react.


13. HIVE CHAMBER

A huge, metal chamber with some spartan equipment being attended by Imperials. In the centre sits a swivel chair, in which sits the Hive Lord, a gleaming golden version of the normal Imperial, connected to the chair by cables and coils and wires. It spins to face an entrance as Ajon is frog-marched in. The whole chamber pulses with red light as the Hive Lord speaks.

Hive Lord: REPORT.

Imperial: MOTION SENSORS ARE FULLY ACTIVE. THREE SUITABLE HUMANOIDS WERE DETECTED OUTSIDE SECTOR 49. ALSO PRESENT IS A ROGUE CONTINGENT. FIRE WAS EXCHANGED. ONE ROGUE UNIT ERADICATED.

Hive Lord: LOSSES?

Imperial: THREE IMPERIAL UNITS ERADICATED. ONE HUMANOID WAS CAPTURED BY THE ROGUES. THE OTHER HAS FLED INTO THE MOORS.

Hive Lord: STATUS OF PRESENT HUMANOID UNIT?

Imperial: FULLY RECOVERED.

Hive Lord: PREPARE TO CONSUME HIM.

An Imperial turns and leaves.

Ajon: Wait! Wait a minute, you can’t go around consuming people! Where are your manners? Look, I’ve got nothing to do with this war going on this planet – I don’t even know what planet this is!

Hive Lord: THIS IS THE PLANET DESIGNATED EPSILON-GAMMA.

Ajon: To you, maybe. I prefer the old names.

Hive Lord: THE ORGANICS REFER TO IT AS THE PLANET JISTRON.

Ajon: [rubs head] Jistron? Jistron... Jistron. No, never heard of it.

Hive Lord: HOW DID YOU ARRIVE HERE?

Ajon: Oh, I’ve piqued your interest, have I?

Hive Lord: THE NEO-MORPHS HAVE CREATED A PLANET-WIDE FORCE-FIELD. NOTHING CAN PENETRATE THE BARRIER. THIS PLANET IS CUT OFF FROM THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE UNTIL THE BARRIER IS LOWERED.

Ajon: Really? I noticed some saturation bombing going on up there. This barrier of yours...

Hive Lord: WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BARRIER.

Ajon: Oh. So you’re not these Neo-Morphs, then?

Hive Lord: WE ARE THE IMPERIAL THANOTOID FACTION. SEVERAL FACTIONS OF THE THANOTOID SPECIES ARE PRESENT ON EPSILON-GAMMA, INCLUDING A ROVING SQUAD OF ORGANIC MERCENARIES. THE ORGANICS HAVE IN THEIR POSSESSION SEVERAL TRANSPORTER CRAFT AND WEAPONRY. AT PRESENT, THEIR TECHNOLOGY HAS BEEN UNABLE TO DAMAGE US.

Ajon: So, they could improve?

Hive Lord: IT IS POSSIBLE. THEY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO WIPE US OUT AT THE COST OF THEIR OWN LIVES. THEY ARE ORGANICS AND THUS, ILLOGICAL. THEY DO NOT ACCEPT THE SITUATION AND THUS THEY CANNOT HARM US. THE OTHER FACTIONS ARE USING THEM FOR CONSUMPTION.

Ajon: Nasty. And presumably you don’t mind because, as these organics are a finite resource, the others will run out sooner or later. They need us... But you don’t. Or do you?

Hive Lord: WE CAN CONTINUE TO FUNCTION WITHOUT CONSUMING HUMANOID LIFE, HOWEVER IT IS THE MOST EFFICIENT WAY OF REPLENISHING OUR NUMBERS. IT WILL ALSO DEPRIVE THE OTHER FACTIONS OF USING YOUR BODY.

Ajon: Yes, what is this about? Why do you want my body?

Hive Lord: HUMANOID BODIES GENERATE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF HEAT AND NEURO-ELECTRICAL ACTIVITY CAN BE HARNESSED BY OUR GENERATORS.

Ajon: You use us as batteries?

Hive Lord: OTHER FACTIONS DEPEND ON YOU. WE, HOWEVER, HAVE A CHOICE OVER OUR TECHNOLOGY. WITHOUT FRESH SUPPLIES OF ORGANICS, THE OTHER THANOTOIDS WILL CEASE TO FUNCTION. THE IMPERIALS SHALL BE THE VICTORS OF THIS WAR.

Ajon: What war? What’s this all about?

Hive Lord: THERE IS SOMETHING DEEP WITHIN THE HEART OF EPSILON-GAMMA. IT IS SENDING OUT SIGNALS ON A PARTICULAR WAVELENGTH THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE. THE FACTIONS HAVE ALL LOCATED THE SOURCE OF THE SIGNAL AND HAVE COME TO THE PLANET TO FIND IT. IT IS BURIED DEEP WITHIN THE ROCK BELOW THIS BASE.

Ajon: So, you’re not only fighting each other, but humanoids as well. Is this really worth it? I mean, is it?

Hive Lord: THE SECRET OF EPSILON-GAMMA WILL ALLOW THE THANOTOIDS THAT ARE ABLE TO EXPLOIT IT THE ABILITIES TO OVERCOME ALL OTHER POWERS. WE ARE THE CLOSEST TO DISCOVERING THIS SECRET. THE OTHERS WANT IT FOR THE SAME REASON. THEY WILL FAIL. WE WILL TRIUMPH.

Ajon: And then what?

Hive Lord: WE WILL LOWER THE BARRIERS AND SPREAD OUT TO ENGULF THIS GALAXY. AND THE NEXT. UNTIL THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS UNDER OUR COMMAND. NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW.

Ajon: But why? Why do you want to do that?

Hive Lord: IT IS OUR FUNCTION. WE MUST CONSUME TO EXPAND. WE MUST EXPAND TO CONSUME. YOU HAVE NOT ANSWERED MY QUESTION. HOW DID YOU PENETRATE THE BARRIER AROUND THE PLANET?

Ajon: Well, it makes a change for you asking the questions. Let’s just say it was an accident and I’ll be more than happy to leave once I’ve found my friends and...

Hive Lord: YOU ARE OF NO VALUE. YOU WILL BE CONSUMED. TAKE HIM.

Two Imperials grab Ajon and begin to drag him out.

Ajon: [shouting] No! Please, listen! I can be very valuable! I can show you how I got here. We can help each other! Stop it! Stop!

His cries die as he is hauled out of view. The Hive Lord swivels to face the camera, brooding.

Hive Lord: THE ORGANIC WAS UNTRUTHFUL. IT IS OF NO VALUE. PREPARE ANOTHER WARRIOR FOR ACTIVATION. WHEN THIS IS DONE, WE SHALL MAKE AN ATTACK AGAINST THE ROGUE UNITS. THREE REMAIN. IT IS TIME ONE OF THE OTHER FACTIONS WAS ERADICATED.



TO BE CONTINUED... NEVER

Shooting Hoops - YOA fic

Ka-thunk. Ka-thunk.

‘The crowd’s barely able to contain itself! The stadium is in an uproar! This is the endgame!’

Ka-thunk. Ka-thunk.

Nigel dribbled the basketball on the tarmac and leapt up in the air, neatly avoiding Andrew’s desperate attempts to block his path. The ball in his hands was shoved forward and struck the backboard of the basket Andrew and Dave had spent several hours erecting to the side of the apartment.

The ball ricocheted down into the metal frame of the hoop, bounced back against the rear of said hoop and dropped leisurely into Nigel’s waiting hands.

Slam-dunk.

‘He shoots, he scores!’ Nigel crowed, wrenching the ball out of reach before Andrew could steal it. ‘What is the score again?’

‘Seventy-three to nil; my favor,’ Andrew grunted, making another dive at the ball.

‘Yes, seventy-three to...’ Nigel nodded, stopped, then frowned. ‘No it isn’t!’

‘Then keep score yourself,’ Andrew retorted, leaping to the left only to miss again.

‘Fine. And I think you fill find that the Verkoff Shaggers have achieved twenty points, while the Beeblebrox Bludgers wade in their own filth on a putrescent four points!’

‘Did you work that out all by yourself?’ asked Andrew, stealing the ball from Nigel’s grasp.

‘I did, actually.’ Nigel slapped with his left hand and the ball tumbled to the floor and bounced back into his hands. ‘Face it, Andrew. When it comes to basketball, I am undiscovered country!’

‘An undiscovered cunt, more like,’ Andrew grimaced, panting for air.

‘And you are nothing,’ Nigel continued, not listening. ‘Some of us are just naturally superior.’

‘Fascist,’ his opponent grumbled. ‘Answer me one question, Nige.’

Nigel waved his hand dismissively, wagging his fingers in Andrew’s direction.

‘When you throw the ball...’

‘Yes?’

‘...do you breathe in or do you breathe out?’

‘Well, Andrew, I... ah, I, er...’ Nigel shrugged. ‘Not sure. Why do you ask?’

Andrew flashed him a toothy smile. ‘Just curious. Your go.’

‘Yes,’ Nigel muttered absently, turning to face the hoop once more. He dribbled the ball with first his left hand, then the right, then leapt up in the air as Andrew scrambled to block him. Nigel lifted his arms to throw the ball, his mind wandering to his lungs.

What did he do? Breathe in? Breathe out? Hold his breath entirely?

He realized gravity was drawing him back to the ground and he threw out with all his strength. The ball stuck the side of the ring and was sent hurtling across the yard. Andrew was already pouncing on it. Nigel pranced across the yard and in moments held the ball.

Nigel ran, dribbling the ball with difficulty on the grassy turf, returned the patio and lined up to shoot the ball once again. Andrew was already moving ahead to try and block him.

Nigel was struggling to breathe now – it seemed a heavy, conscious effort to haul and expel air into his lungs. If he didn’t command his body to do it his respiratory system seemed quite prepared to suffocate him then and there...

Andrew snatched the ball off Nigel and shot the hoop.

It missed, rebounded back into his hands and he threw it again.

Slam-dunk.

‘You... bastard!’ Nigel panted as he only just managed to block the next go. ‘You bastard!’

‘Nigel,’ Andrew replied calmly as he temporarily abandoned shooting hoops and began trying to spin the basketball on the tip of his finger. ‘If it’s legitimacy we’re talking about, then you are the only bastard in this particular conversation...’

‘You set me up!’ Sucking in all the air he could, Nigel jumped and snatched the ball off him.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You’ve ruined my athletic career!’

‘I just asked a question! Which you couldn’t even answer!’

Nigel tried – and failed – to score another two points.

‘Well, then, smart arse – do you breathe in or out when you shoot?’

Andrew scored another two points.

‘Out,’ he smiled.

Slam-dunk.

Obligitory Eighth Doctor deathfic

Farewell to Shadowlands


The Doctor wasn’t sure how long he’d been lying on the ground, staring up at the sky. He seemed to have been doing it for a while but was only now aware he had been doing so. In fact, it was only now he realized where he was lying. He was in a forest, lying in the foliage of a hill overlooking a deep green sea. The sky was clear and cobalt blue, the sun a brilliant ball of white illuminating the world below and warming the surfaces around him. A cool breeze from the sea kept the temperature just right.

With some effort he lifted his head to look around. Strangely, his head was aching, though a quick check found no bumps or blood. The pain was more centred in his face, but that didn’t seem to be damaged. There was a nasty, bunt sensation beneath his healthy skin. Yet even as he thought of it, the pain seemed to fade to a bearable ache on the edge of his consciousness.

He gently felt his face. Had someone punched him in the face? Knocked him down onto the grass? Had he been robbed? Thieves in the forest? The Doctor couldn’t find any of his possessions in his pockets, but reminded himself he didn’t carry much stuff on his person since... since...

Come to think of it, where was his leather jacket?

The jacket he wore was a crushed velvet frock coat, the colour of which was hard to define. Chocolate brown? Bottle green? TARDIS blue? Vermilion? The Doctor tugged at the knot of his cravat, loosening its grip around the wing-collar shirt he was wearing. He hadn’t dressed like this in ages. He tried to remember the last thing that had happened. Something about the Crystal Palace and mistaken identities.

‘Oh no,’ he grumbled. ‘Not amnesia. Again!’ He’d forgotten how often he’d lost his memory. Well, that made sense. But hopefully it was just a mild daze from his mugging – if that was what had happened at all. There was still an ache in his head, despite there being no physical damage.

The Doctor looked around the forest, noting for the first time the sun was sinking towards the horizon. Shadows were forming and growing between the trees and the sky had turned a burned orange colour that, combined with a curious effect that made the leaves seem silver, was oddly nostalgic. He had been lying there for a while. He best start moving while he could still see. His eyesight was good, but in situations like this it paid to have the option of a powerful torch – and all his pockets were empty.

He hoped he’d get his stuff back. He was getting sick of building sonic screwdrivers.

The Doctor peered down the path into the gathering gloom and decided to head towards the sunset, which would hopefully give him more visibility than the alternative. But no sooner did his perfectly-tailored shoes touch the worn dirt path, a feeling of total unease wrapped itself around him.

Where were his companions? His fellow travelers? His friends? He hated to travel alone, but was he, on this occasion, travelling solo? Or had his friends been kidnapped? Or gone off for help? Were they back at the TARDIS? Was the TARDIS in the same time and space location as he was?

The Doctor looked into the gathering darkness behind him. He was almost paralyzed with indecision. Should he stay or should he go? Well, standing around here wouldn’t help him and with luck he’d find some evidence of his companions’ movement – or even existence – and would work from there. His pleasant surroundings seemed less pleasant now he was alone. Still, it was a glorious sunset, and he could enjoy that if nothing else.

The Doctor moved up the path and over the hill as the sun finally dipped below the horizon, nevertheless still providing enough golden light for him to navigate through the trees. His tracking skills didn’t seem to have deserted him, but there was no trace of anyone else heading up this path. No injured saplings, bent grass, human skin cells. Nothing. In fact, it looked like no one had used this path before. Ever.

He paused as the first of several bushes blocked his path. The track had ended here, leading deeper into the forest. He stayed where he was as the shadows grew deeper and darker around him and then realized he couldn’t move. At all. And was that his imagination, or was there something flat and solid pressing into his back? The ache in his skull was getting worse.

Can’t move. Can’t breathe. Can’t think. So much blood and he—

Just as the Doctor felt the first signs of panic strike him, the paralysis vanished like an idea forgotten. The pain in his face took a moment to subside and did not disappear completely. He looked around and saw that dusk had nearly become night. There was only a distant splash of sunset to illuminate the tall, dark shapes of the trees around him, sinking into the irregular sea of foliage that surrounded them.

The Doctor noted with unease that the sunset had provoked no chorus from the birds in the trees. He then noted there were no birds. No animals in the forest at all. He wondered if the sea he had awoken near had ever contained a fish. He was alone.

So why could he hear music? Classical music by human standards. Puccini. Madame Butterfly.

Such a nice tune. Shame it brought back bad memories. Well, come to think of it, the Doctor couldn’t think of the last time he’d heard it. Just a nagging sense of failure, of shame, of fear. Maybe he’d had a bad night at the opera? Or maybe...

“You’re not lost, are you?” asked a drawling female voice nearby.

The Doctor peered through the darkness to the owner of the voice. A slender, tall shape stepped forward, the last rays of sunshine bouncing off her mane of green tendrils that framed a blue oval face, glinting on her cheek scales. The mouth of needle-sharp teeth was smiling, and the large turquoise eyes were friendly.

“I’ve been lost most of my life,” the Doctor admitted calmly. “But then, I didn’t really have anywhere in mind to go, so there are compensations. Where are we, Destrii? Do you know?”

“We’re a long way out,” said his friend, shrugging her bare shoulders.

“In deep space you mean?”

“Deepest space,” Destrii replied, turning to look in the direction of the sunset.

“There’s nothing out there, Destrii,” the Doctor said reprovingly. “It’s a fact nursery children on my world understand. Nursery children,” he repeated. Odd. The sentence made him sad for some reason. “Do you know when we are?”

“No. But I like it here. It feels...”

“Like something’s going to happen here?” the Doctor suggested.

Destrii flashed him another predatory grin. “Right. Like the future’s going to be made here very soon.”

“The first days of the rest of our lives,” he surmised in response.

Destrii slipped a cool arm around his shoulders. “Stay as sweet as you are,” she advised him. “Come on, it’s getting dark. We can worry about this in the morning.”

“Procrastination is the thief of time,” the Doctor reminded her, but let Destrii lead him through the bushes further into the gloom. “Do you remember how you got here? Where the TARDIS is? Or where we were trying to get to?”

“Well, in strict order of asking: not really, no idea, and haven’t the foggiest.”

“What do you last remember, then?” the Doctor asked as they pass under a low branch.

“Oh, that thing with the Cybermen in Camden market. Everything after that is blurry. Then I was having a doze down on the beach. The sea water’s great here. We ought to bottle it and put it in the pool.”

“What pool? The TARDIS pool?”

He felt Destrii shrug again. “The TARDIS is old enough to look after itself. Let’s just get inside and relax for once, huh?”

“Inside where?” the Doctor pressed.

It was then that he saw, in the diffused light, a secluded lodge sitting in the clearing below him. It was a simple two-story structure built from expertly carved wooden logs. There was a weak light behind the windows and the Doctor realized the Puccini tune was emerging from building. Destrii was already heading up the short flight of steps onto the balcony. “Is this a hunting lodge?” he asked her.

“Nah, more a bed and breakfast,” the alien girl laughed. She moved across the area and pushed open the doors to reveal a long room that filled most of the lower floor of the house. A long table sat in the centre of the room, laden with food and drink, surrounded by lounges half-buried in cushions. The soft lighting was provided by lamps on the walls, and made it somehow more appealing. The music was emerging from a brand-new gramophone placed near the stone fireplace, containing a fire on the point of going out.

Destrii gave a happy sigh as she stepped inside the room and leant by the short steps that lead to the upper level of the house and the sleeping quarters. “I’m feeling better already. How about you?”

The Doctor’s eyes scanned the room. The pain in his head had dwindled, certainly. “You weren’t feeling well then, I take it, Destrii?” he muttered, turning to face her again. “Are you in pain?”

Destrii stroked her exposed midriff. “Just some stomach aches. Must have been bugging me for ages, but I can barely feel them now. Just gets better and better. How about you?”

The Doctor was concentrating on the two figures sitting near the fire. “Oh, I can’t complain, but my face was hurting when I woke up. It hasn’t quite gone away.”

“Probably just the strain of hiding all your surprise,” suggested a husky voice behind him. Leaning on the banister rail, arms folded, was the owner of the voice in a figure-hugging green dress. Her long blonde locks were confined by two pony-tails on either side of her head. She grinned happily as the Doctor turned to look at her and this time at least did not hide the surprise he felt.

“Charley?”

“Did you enjoy the sunset?” she asked, moving down the stairs to embrace him.

“Well, yes,” the Doctor admitted, still taken aback at her presence. Why was he surprised to see her again when he clearly remembered travelling with her only hours ago? But he had traveled with Destrii after he had been with Charley, hadn’t he?

“I’ve seen better,” Destrii opined, pulling the doors closed behind her.

“You’re such a liar,” mocked a voice from the fireplace cheerfully. “You could show her the seven wonders of the world and she’d still be more impressed by the carpets.”

“You get a concept of worth when you’re a princess,” Destrii sniffed before letting out her shrill gurgle that was her equivalent of a happy laugh.

The Doctor approached the fire place. A girl of less than twenty was sprawled in a chair, a leg hooked over the arm rest. Her red hair feathered around her face and her pale green eyes were narrowed. Her crooked smile widened as she saw the Doctor. “You took your time, Skipper,” she observed.

“Gemma,” the Doctor identified, no longer surprised. “Where’s Sam?”

“Samson, as he likes to be called, will be here in his own free time,” Gemma replied, as if quoting her bother verbatim. “He’ll be here eventually though. Who’d miss a party like this?”

“I nearly did,” the other figure by the figure replied. “I only got here ahead of you, Doctor.”

“And how did you arrive exactly, C’Rizz?” he asked.

The Eutermisan leaned back in his chair. The light of the fire danced across his exoskeleton, gleaming off the tiny spikes on his forehead and chin. His casual sweater and jeans contrasted with his hoofed feet. For some reason his flesh remained slate grey and had not blended itself in to the colour scheme of his surroundings. “The last thing I remember is leaving Endarra with you and Charlotte...”

“Charley!” the other occupants of the lodge corrected.

C’Rizz’s thin lips twisted into a smile. “...Charley. After that, it was a blur. Then I was lying near the cliff with the sun in my eyes. The others were already here.”

The Doctor looked around. He was relaxed. Very relaxed. “But where’s Izzy? And Fey? And Stacy? And Ssard? And Grace? And Lee? And Angela? Will? Jadi? Kirena? Luke? What about the other Sam? And Fitz? And Compassion and Trix and Anji and Miranda and Lorenzo and Delilah and Frank and Claudia and Deborah and Jemimah-Katy and Nina and Mina and Bernice and...?”

“Hang on,” Destrii butted in. “You’re making that up!”

The Doctor broke into a smile. “Just testing. I didn’t want this to turn out be some kind of drug-induced, electronic dream by some super villain to break my resolve and reveal the secrets of time.”

“Guess there goes the after-dinner cabaret,” Gemma sighed. Charley laughed.

“Since the Doctor’s here, can we start eating?” she asked, already heading for the table. “I don’t know about the rest of you lot, but I’m starving.”

“Been waiting long, have you?” the Doctor asked, finding himself at the head of the table.

“Long enough,” Destrii replied, pouring herself a glass of sea water.

“I hope you’re not about to say that time is an illusion and lunchtime is doubly so.”

“I wasn’t, actually,” C’Rizz frowned with mock petulance, causing others to laugh.

The Doctor took the teapot and poured himself a cup. The spread covered all the foods his companions could both stomach and actually enjoyed, as if laid out specifically for them. There was fresh sea life and junk food for Destrii, a plough man’s dinner for Charley, a meal of nuts and berries for C’Rizz, Gemma had her favorite of spaghetti bolognaise and he had a mass of ham-cheese-tomato-and mustard sandwiches with just the right amount of butter. One bite proved not at all toxic – there were no chemical additives, poisons or steroids. The food was perfectly good to eat and hadn’t been tampered with.

“I coulda told you it was safe,” Destrii said, watching him. “Relax, Doc! You’ll live longer.”

“But none of us know how we got here,” the Doctor reminded her through a mouthful of sandwich. “This planet may look like Earth, but the gravity, temperature, oxygen content are all wrong. There’s no sign of the TARDIS and the fact that I and my former companions have been brought together here suggests we’re either being rewarded for something or being imprisoned.”

“I like the reward option myself,” Charley shrugged, taking her cup of tea. “We’ve done good, haven’t we? Fought off Daleks, Cybermen and goodness knows what else? If we can’t get a night off to enjoy ourselves, I mean, it’s the least the universe owes us.”

“Owes me more,” Destrii smiled.

“Plus interest,” Gemma laughed. “We’re safe here. There’s nothing and no one to hurt us and there’s more than enough food and drink. I’m not even missing the TV.”

“There’s one of those things in the bedroom,” C’Rizz replied.

“I’m just saying I’m happy here. Aren’t you?”

There was a nod from the others. The Doctor shrugged. “I feel good here, I admit, but... no, that pain in my face still hasn’t gone away. And Destrii had stomach cramps.”

“Not any more,” Destrii said, leaning forward to snatch up some more sea slugs. “I’m working on a new one, though.”

“Yes, I was a little sore when I got here,” Charley noted. “Like sunburn. Allover. Gone by the time I found the house. Gemma was already here.”

“And, before you ask, I had a stiff neck,” Gemma interrupted. She moved her head. “All better.” She turned to her companion. “What about you, lizard boy?”

C’Rizz pulled out his cheeks. “My back is a little sore, but it’s not worth worrying about. To be honest, Doctor, I don’t know where we are or how we got here. All I know is that I don’t particularly want to leave. This place is peaceful, beautiful.” His amber eyes roved over the girls. “The company here is even tolerable on occasion!”

Gemma, Charley and Destrii replied with a volley of abuse that their food managed to obscure.

“Yes, I know, it’s lovely here,” the Doctor agreed as he reached for some ice cream. “But I don’t think I’m ready to retire. Tomorrow morning, I’m going looking for the TARDIS. If you want, you can stay here. It’d be nice to pop by...” The Doctor shook his head to clear it, and the ache behind his eyes got worse. “But there are still so many places to be, to see, to go. I haven’t done it all yet and until I’m close, I’m not sure I can hang up my travelling shoes...”

“Which fit perfectly, by the way,” Gemma informed the others.

The Doctor drained his cup of tea. “I’m off for another walk. The stars will be out soon and I’m rather good with constellations. I can work out where if not when we are. And if we’re alone on this planet.”

Charley sighed. “You won’t be satisfied until this place is surrounded by monsters who want to conquer the universe, will you? Why can’t you just be satisfied?”

The Doctor rose. “Force of habit, Charley. Always moving on. Staying still too long and you take root.”

“Aw, come on, gorgeous,” Destrii complain. “Sit down. The stars’ll be there for ages. Let’s just relax. Tomorrow we can work out what evil genius is running this. We’ve got all the time in the world to sort it out.” She stretched and lay back on her couch.

“Wearing that bikini must be very tough on the nerves,” Gemma observed before yawning. “She’s got a point though, Skipper. We’re all dog tired and very full. Let’s count our blessings and in the morning look the gift horse in the mouth.”

The Doctor moved to the door. It struck him he did feel rather tired. Very tired in fact. He rubbed his eyes. “Good company, good food, fine music and pleasant surroundings. I must try and run into this super villain more often. I’m sure he just needs some understanding and a Swiss bank account.”

He yawned and found a chaise lounge beside the door, ready to use. As he sat down on it, he tried to review the situation, but the drowsiness got worse. He was feeling a contentedness he had not felt before. Almost resigned, even. It was like reaching the last page in an extremely fine book, the satisfaction of resolution mixed in with sadness because such a nice story had to end. But all things ended. That was the point of it all, in the end. To enjoy things while they last.

He found the strength to look up and saw that C’Rizz was tucking Gemma onto another low couch, slumping down in the chair beside her. Charley was sitting beside him, resting her head on his shoulder. The warmth of her body and the smell of her hair seemed far too much to concentrate on. Wrapping an arm around her shoulder, he let sleep wash over him.

“Wake me up when the world ends,” he informed the others before he fell fast asleep.

Or has he fallen awake? His eyes are open. And they hurt. A lot. He can only see out one eye, and find himself unable to move even that. There’s a draft. Is his mouth open? A horrible smell of copper and marrow and... hot plastic? Oh, and pain. Don’t forget the pain.

It’s agony. Excruciating agony in his head, as if it’s been smashed in. Can barely see a thing through the blood and he can’t breathe. Getting so bad. Hurts. Hard to think. And on top of that there’s a buzzing in his ears, sounding very familiar. His sonic screwdriver! That’s what it is.

Something gurgles in his throat. Where there’s a draft.

Something’s happened to his head. Something terrible.

One of his ears is still working though. He can hear a voice, calling in the distance.

“Wilson? I’ve got the lottery money. Wilson? Are you there?”

Is this a dream? A nightmare? Is he stuck in it? Or was the other place a dream? Is this the real one?

The Doctor finally found his voice and howled in agony.

The lodge was almost in pitch darkness. The fire had gone out and only the faintest of light came through the window. Charley was lifting her head, still half asleep. There was a groan from Destrii, but she did not break from her slumber. Gemma didn’t move at all, still fast asleep, so still she almost disappeared into the dark. C’Rizz was wide awake however.

“What is it, Doctor?” he called sleepily. “What’s wrong?”

“Just a bad dream,” Charley mumbled. “Go back to sleep.”

The Doctor whimpered in the pain that seemed to be starting between his hearts. It was rippling outwards like a tsunami of white-hot lava. His skin and flesh was untouched but he could still feel it getting worse and worse. “No... not a dream... This can’t be happening?”

Charley looked at him. Her expression was still sleepy, but she was upset. “Doctor, please. We waited for you. We can’t wait much longer. If you go back...”

The Doctor sobbed as the invisible fire engulfed him. “How can Gemma be here? Gemma is dead!”

Gemma, perhaps unsurprisingly, didn’t move.

“She died with C’Rizz... and you died too, C’Rizz, didn’t you?”

“More than once,” the Eutermisan replied emotionlessly.

“The final battle. You were on Gallifrey.” The Doctor tore his eyes towards Charley. “And you’re dead too Charley. Not on the R101, not on Bortresoye, on Tyron Beta. Destroyed the entire Dalek taskforce. In the war. You’re dead, Charley... you left me... and the Daleks killed Destrii...”

Charley stared into the Doctor’s eyes. “And you’re dead too.”

“No.”

“You’re dead enough. Just. Just enough for us to reach you. Now you’ve got to make a choice.”

The Doctor screamed again.

Burning! He’s on fire! Bleeding... light? Orange light! Orange, yellow, white... moving through the spectrum. Bones twisting, contracting, expanding. He’s changing, repairing his body. Slowly. So very slowly. The pain’s getting worse. If he gives up now...

“Wilson?” Then something he couldn’t hear. “Is that someone mucking about?”

He remembers. The lure. The Autons. The Nestene. That idiot activating it too soon. The Autons coming to life and killing them. And now he’s dying and now he’s being born but the Autons are alive and the owner of that voice is in danger and he’s just lying there...

“OK, you got me, very funny...”

They’ll kill her.

Blackness swept over him. He was back in the lodge, or at least he seemed to be. He could barely see a thing. He had the oddest feeling of loss, as though a train were departing without him when he should have been on it. Charley was beside him.

“We’re going now, Doctor. It’s now or never. We might not get this chance again.” She placed her hands on his shoulders, despite the agony it caused. “Stop it, stay here and come with us. Gemma’s already gone. I’m next. Please.”

The Doctor could feel the agony of the front of his skull regrowing. “I got the electrician killed, Charley... There’s a girl there... They’ll kill her too. The Nestenes...” He grunted as the pain. “There’s no one left to fight anymore, Charley. No one except me. Do you really want me to stay?”

Charley smiled, her teeth sparkling as the last of the light faded away.

“I never doubted you,” she told him. “And I never will.”

Charley was fading now. The pain in his body was so powerful it almost masked out the duller pain in the remains of his head. The images seemed to flicker as if he was on the brink of reality before both became nothingness for a moment. The blackness began to dissolve, taking with it his friends, the hunting lodge and the world outside it, the dimness replaced by

a brilliant blinding light shines straight into his eyes.

The Doctor stretches, all the pain gone, wearing his leather jacket and lying sprawled on cold concrete in puddle of crusted blood. It is all too real for him and he lies there for a moment, rubbing his face. It has grown back – but not the same as before. Bonier. Harsher. His hair is so short now.

Something important. He came back to do something important.

A girl’s voice, tight with rising panic, fills his new, larger ears. “Right, I’ve got the joke! Whose idea was it? Was it Derek? Is it? Derek, is this you?”

Time to save the girl, the world and probably the universe if his luck hasn’t changed.

For a moment, he wishes he’d stayed in the darkened lodge with the warmth of his friends, in luxurious surroundings. If he does save her, what then? What’s left? All the others are gone and he should have stayed in heaven with them!

But he is the Doctor.

He gets to his feet, regains his balance and goes off to save the girl, the world, the universe and his soul.

In that order.


Never The End...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Is The Master the War Chief?

After going to all the trouble to work out whether or not a roguish Time Agent with more exes than the Paris Hilton sex video was destined to become a giant severed head, it's time to tackle the biggie.

The War Chief, a dark, bearded, cunning Time Lord with a history with the Doctor, sides with an alien menace to take over the universe, but intends to take over for himself. However, the plan goes tits up and the War Chief is executed. A season later we meet the Master, a dark, bearded, cunning Time Lord with a history with the Doctor, siding up with alien menaces to take over the universe, but intends to take over himself.

Are they one and the same?

Nowadays of course, the answer would be "no." Why? Frankly, it's too much hassle. David A McIntee's Master trilogy (The Dark Path, Face of the Enemy and First Frontier) make it quite clear he's a different person. But this trilogy was written only after Terrance Dicks wrote Timewyrm: Exodus. The book is his first sequel to The War Games, wherein the Seventh Doctor and Ace stumble across a second campaign by the unnamed aliens and that same renegade Time Lord the War Chief (who is killed off at the end for good). Even the most rabid of fans would have to jump through hoops to connect the two renegades now.

Leaving aside the ludicrous idea of any sequel to the first nine episodes of The War Games (since everyone involved was either mind wiped or erased from history), it has to be said the War Chief isn't used particularly differently to the Master. Considering their very common origin, Exodus reveals the War Chief also uses ridiculous alias (in this case "Krieglieter", which is German for "War Chief"), requires the Doctor's body for its regenerations since he lost his own, and also is desperate to kill the Doctor for revenge. In short, he might as well have been the Master, and it's a trut face that the first four New Adventures originally featured the Master as the major enemy.

Terrance Dicks co-wrote The War Games and co-created the War Chief, so it's unsurprising that many fans decided that he probably knew what he was talking about. But then, this was before the endless palimpsest novel he churns out using Find And Replace, and the horror of Warmonger which totally contradicts itself five times a page.

There's some real evidence that Dicks didn't do much research on The War Games. While the events of episode ten are still debated thanks to Season 6B, the first nine episodes are pretty clear cut. Dicks seems to believe that if a man is removed from history, his son will not just survive but also have his memories intact, and he remembers a completely different ending to the War Chief.

On TV, the Doctor announces he intends to summon the Time Lords no matter the consequences to himself. The War Chief runs off to try and escape and is caught in the SIDRAT bay by the War Lord and his guards. The War Chief tries and fails to bluff his way out of things and is gunned down. By the time the Doctor and his gang arrive, the War Chief's body has been dragged into a corner. The scene then has the Doctor, Jamie, Zoe and Carstairs fleeing when the Time Lords arrive. All it seems to happen in real time.

In Exodus, however, the War Chief describes something totally different to what we saw on screen...

"The War Lord's troopers were about to dispose of my body when they realized I was still alive. Just barely, but alive. You know how amazingly tough we Time Lords are... They called one of their scientists, and he was so amazed he ordered me sent back to their home planet - they were starting to retreat by then. I was on the last ship to leave... There was no thought of curing me; they just wanted to see how long it would take me to die. They threw me in the ship's hold and on the journey back to their planet, I started to regenerate."

So, either we assume that the entire end of episode nine was some kind of forgery (though there's no explanation for why anyone would want that forged), and the aliens were really using space ships rather than SIDRATs to get from the planet, and that despite a massive Time Lord containment crew attacking both planets simultaneously, they forgot to look for the War Chief? Exodus reveals that, despite all the claims made by the War Chief on TV, he only left Gallifrey because Borusa was after his blood (unlikely, since the Cardinal has no real interest in politics until The Deadly Assassin, centuries after The War Games).

It's worth noting Malcolm Hulke also co-wrote The War Games and his novelization has the Time Lord announce that the War Chief has been found dead. So, at least one of the authors believed that the War Chief was dead, so why should we trust Dicks' baffling rewrite of events instead? However, Hulke's novelization of The Doomsday Weapon, where the Keeper of the Matrix reminisces about The War Games does not contradict the idea that the Time Lord helping the aliens is the same Time Lord who just nicked the Doomsday Weapon files.

It's worth noting that before 1992, it was widely assumed that the War Chief and the Master were one and the same. Certainly, the idea that two so similar Time Lords encountering the Doctor in quick succession was considered unlikely, though the idea that the War Chief is a later regeneration of the Monk doesn't work (the Doctor and the Monk had not met each other before The Time Meddler, whereas the Doctor and the War Chief clearly recognize each other more than just as fellow Time Lords, and it's stated they have not encountered each other since leaving Gallifrey).

The early nineties are also worthy of the concept of Magnus. Oft mentioned in The Missing Adventures, Magnus is part of the old gang on Gallifrey, an arrogant and foolish Time Lord who recklessly used up regenerations. Sound familiar? In 1992, there was a special comic strip depicting the First Doctor and Magnus back on Gallifrey, and ending their friendship when Magnus callously used a harmless lifeform as a fuel source for his experiments. The bearded Magnus was immediately identified by readers as a younger version of the Master... or the War Chief. DWM refused to comment either way.

Gary Russell's Divided Loyalties contains the infamous Gallifrey 90210 sequence where we discover every renegade Time Lord we ever met just happened to be in a gang called the Deca, lead unofficially by the Doctor. Notable among them was Magnus - clearly the War Chief since all he ever talked about was the Aliens in The War Games and how he'd like to work with them when he grew up. This left Koschei (the Master) wandering around looking and acting in exactly the same sort of fashion, at one point wistfully wishing he could be as cool and badass as Magnus. It's difficult enough to tell them apart.

But that bit of Divided Loyalties is categorically a dream sequence, and it's fair to say that had Dicks not shot his mouth off all those years ago Magnus and Koschei would have been one and the same. Similarly, McIntee's The Dark Parth is a very good origin story for the Master... but is only needed if we assume that the Master wasn't the War Chief in The War Games.

It's interesting to note that the War Chief was never mentioned on TV again. Or in the Big Finish audios. And Season 7 and 8 had something of a cavalier attitude to continuity. Jamie and Zoe were not mentioned in Spearhead from Space despite the fact they should have been, and the Brigadier clearly didn't think the Second Doctor trustworthy after saving all their lives in The Invasion. Terror of the Autons doesn't, for example, have a scene where the Doctor explains that the Nestenes were the ones responsible for window dummies coming to life and slaughtering thousands. So, a scene along the lines of "He used to be called the War Chief" not being screened is hardly out of keeping. Especially as the Doctor admits his memory has been tampered with to a significant degree.

What's also worth noting is that the very scene which introduces the Master was heavily edited. On screen, we learn that the Master is an old enemy of the Doctor, a cleverclogs from Gallifrey. The original scene not only notes that "the Master" is a recent alias, but the Time Lord escaped custody by stealing his TARDIS thanks to some unexplained alien interference. Later, the Third Doctor gets a phone call from the Master and does not recognize the voice at all. "Who is this?" he demands.

So, the Master is just the latest name for a Time Lord the Doctor has encountered before, a Time Lord who has recently regenerated, and a Time Lord last seen at the mercy of his own people. As the penultimate scene in The War Games clearly shows the Time Lords arriving in the alien base while the War Chief's body is still warm, it's not hard to assume that, like Dicks says, the War Chief survived by regenerating, only to be taken prisoner by his own people. Also, the edited scene with the Third Doctor and the Time Lord makes it clear they want the Doctor to kill the Master to save Gallifrey from further embarassment over letting him escape.

Another question about the Master is... why does he hate the Doctor so much? There's no doubt that they were once the best of friends during their childhood, and even after the Time War they are still reluctant to actually kill each other. What crime did the Doctor do to make the Master want to kill him? It's not simply a matter of spoiling a few plans. So what was it?

If we assume that the Master is the War Chief, a lot of things fall into place. For a start, there is the explanation for the two bearded traitorous Time Lords. The War Chief put a lot of effort into the War Games, moreso than the Master ever did, and it's reasonable this screw up taught him not to put his eggs into one basket. The War Chief also, is not really upset when the Doctor ruins everything - it is only when the Doctor announces he is breaking cover and calling in the Time Lords than the unshakeable War Chief snaps. Despite all the War Chief's protests, the Doctor not only gave himself up, but also the War Chief - and it's quite clear the Time Lords would be more lenient with the Doctor, since he wasn't the one selling Gallifreyan technology to an alien empire. Effectively, the Doctor sold out the War Chief.

It's a good as reason as any to explain why the Master would hate the Doctor. Even The Dark Path doesn't really give a good reason as to why Koschei hates the Doctor (though he is betrayed by the Time Lords, the Doctor has nothing to do with it) though it explains his desire to conquer the universe, showing that morally, the Master was on a slippery slope LONG before he could be classed as "evil".

Another interesting note is that in The Deadly Assassin, the Master blames his decayed appearance and lack of regenerative ability on the Doctor. While on TV it looks a bit like Delgado's Master may have been dumped in a vat of acid or set on fire, the scripts merely note that it is because the Master cannot regenerate, he's withering away slowly but surely. (It's also worth noticing the scripts do not mention a 'thirteen' limit to regeneration, and it's stated that the Master's LOST his ability to renew his body, not that he's used up all his lives - he's still a relatively young man. Also, the Doctor is notably cagey when Borusa asks exactly HOW the Master got into this state... so was the Doctor responsible?)

In Exodus, the nasty injuries inflicted on the War Chief are so bad his regeneration fails - and in The War Games, the War Lord is probably going to use ammo that can do some serious harm to a Time Lord, cause he's not basically stupid. In Exodus, the Doctor notes that the Time Lords have 'regenerative therapy' that could help a Time Lord. So, we can now see a pattern forming.

The Time Lords arrive to stop the War Games, find the half-dead War Chief and (knowing he's responsible thanks to the Doctor) isolate him. The War Chief manages a partial regeneration and the Time Lords finish it, but in doing so, the War Chief loses his ability to regenerate any more. He's effectively been doomed to die thanks to the Doctor - and the new War Chief understandably vows revenge. The Doctor is exiled to Earth, but we do not know what happens to the War Chief.

We know from The Five Doctors and Sound of the Drums that the Time Lords wanted the Master to be an agent for them, and would it be put past for them to offer the War Chief a chance at a new set of regenerations in return for cooperation? The War Chief probably agreed, bided his time, before scarpering. No wonder the Time Lords were embarassed. They realize he'll go after the Doctor and warn him. It seems no coincidence that soon after it's the Doctor they're using to travel time and space doing their dirty work, so presumably the War Chief/Master was the one lined up for Solos and Peladon until the relative last minute.

So, is the Master the War Chief? Assuming we disregard the spin off materials, there is strong evidence - certainly Robert Holmes thought so, and Robert Holmes created more of Doctor Who than is often acknowledged. Ultimately, it comes down to Ockham's Razor - either we have two ludicrously similar Time Lords, one of which is never, ever, ever mentioned again, or we have the same Time Lord.

I believe it. And not only is there no real evidence against it, it makes a lot of sense of everything from The World Distributor Annuals to the DWM Comic strip to the latest episodes of RTD. As was said all those years ago by the War Chief himself:

You may have changed your appearance, but I know who you are.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

For Fuck's Sake, Gabriel Chase...

Dear GOD! I tell you, I often cringe at how I've treated Sparacus in the knowledge that Gabriel Chase was out there all along. Once again, Spara, at the very least this guy deserved that crap more.

Gabriel Chase (the discerning Who fan) and his contact free website. It prides itself on not mentioning anything post McCoy. Except in the tiny "parallel universes" section for 'unreal Doctor Who' section which is, ironically, the only thing Chase can update.

The page has been reedited to turn RTD's Doctor Who into a single section (in order to make it look less interesting and significant) and the good howlers of Captain John Bannerman and the like are gone. But new stuff is there!

More an illegitimate second-cousin than a legitimate child. During a summer littered with endless reruns of the new series on BBC3 and UKTV Gold, word emerged that Freema Agyeman was to be farmed out to Torchwood
No, Spara did a riff on this too, so I don't need to discuss this further. However, while Spara hated the character of Martha, I don't think Chase has even seen an episode, so it is total sloppy research rather than bias. I'm not sure which is worse.

and replaced by Catherine Tate, presumably because Tate is more of a celeb than Agyeman.
???

Yes. More celeb = better. Which is why Agyeman replaced that nobody, Billie Piper.

Give me strength.

A second shock announcement followed, stating that the show wouldn't be run at all in 2009 owing to Tennant appearing in a theatrical run of Macbeth, something that would never have been done during the original series.
Now, even the most pessimistic and new series hating of fans would balk at that.

It's not 100% sure about whether Tennant asked for a year off or is simply making the best of an outside problem, but there will be three specials in 2009. And that doesn't include specials like Attack of the Graske or the Infinite Quest. It's a hell of a lot more than we got in 1990, isn't it?

If he can't be arsed reporting GENUINE facts, why bother updating the part of the site he isn't interested in? Is he desperate for something to do?

Are the cracks beginning to show?
What I love is that he left this sentence at the bottom after Doctor Who performed the horrifying transgression of adapting "Human Nature" (which, despite rendering the book series non canonical apparently ties the series to them - but did he say anything about "Blink"?) then edited in the snub about Martha, then edited in the 2009 issue.

Basically, how much news is he going to keep adding before "the cracks" actually "show"?

Gabriel Chase, you are a fool, a cad and a simpleton. And a coward too, since you refuse to let anyone contact you.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Lost YOA episode found!!!

What do you mean, this is the wrong blog? I built them all, not you, so piss off. Anyway, back when the universe was half its present size and the Olympics was all anyone could talk or even think about, I once spent a lunchtime in the library writing a draft YOA script with the help of a bunch of students around me, amazed that I could type up their obscene ideas with such speed.

The episode was inspired by People Like Us in its doco-setting and focussed on Nigel's brief career at EGI. Because it was the first finished episode, it is thus pretty different and more surreal to the usual fare and the characters not quite 'right' - Eve doesn't even get a mention. Tragically, it was written on a school computer and not saved, thus lost between the cracks of data. Luckily, however, an old email contained the first half of the script which is reproduced here, unaltered for the first time.

What do you mean, this is the wrong blog? I built them all, not you, so piss off. Ooh... deja vu...



Going Home. For Ever.

By EWEN CAMPION-CLARKE and DAMIAN SANCHEZ


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

1. MONTAGE
We see various shots of Sydney, people walking to work, people in offices.

VICK: [VO] As the world's population continues to expand, technology is dehumanising the work-place, rendering more and more tasks under computer control. Is there still a place for humanity in the twenty-first century? In this series we will be examining the day-to-day running of modern society. The people desperately looking for work, and desperately holding onto it.

We see groups of people at Centerlink, and then John Howard.

VICK: [VO] For we will be examining if the youth of Australia have a chance of working - or are just wasting time?


2. CREDIT SEQUENCE

We some stark, disturbing images of people working, clocks ticking, people clocking on, working, clocking off, before the clocks reach midnight. A bright light morphs into the words WASTING TIME. With dramatic music, we fade to black.


3. NEWSAGENCY

We see Dave, Andrew and Nigel in a newsagency. Andrew is looking through the sci-fi mags, Dave through the comics, and Nigel through the porn mags. As he adjusts a fold-out, Vick continues.

VICK: [VO] Nigel Verkoff is 21, and has been in gainful employment for about six days. Having just failed the HSC, a series of near-suicide attempts has ended with him living with others.

Meanwhile, Nigel nonchalantly picks up the rack with all the porn mags, and surreptitiously carries it out of the shop.

NIGEL: [VO] Yeah, I mean, this has been a difficult decision for me. But, you know, it does have its perks, you've got to admit.


4. LIVING ROOM

Dave, Andrew and Nigel are sitting on the couch, watching TV. Sitting in the corner is the porn mag rack. Nigel speaks to camera.

NIGEL: The bright side of spending most of your time with two total dickheads with the sexual prowess of a dead goldfish, it really boosts your morale.

VICK: [VO] And you think that this confidence allowed you gain your position at EuroGlobe Industries?

NIGEL: No doubt about it. I went into the first interview, and I used the old trick of picturing them naked, you know, a kind of intimidation thing they use. Anyway, the panel were these three hot chicks were hardly wearing anything at all, anyway. My imagination filled in the gaps, and, well, I think my concentration failed as a result.

VICK: [VO] You couldn't answer their questions?

NIGEL: No, more I was so horny I couldn't hear them.

VICK: [VO] That must have been very difficult.

NIGEL: Oh, it was very hard, believe you me. Thankfully, though, Anthony - that is, my, er... well, I can't call him a friend... More someone - well, something - that I've known for quite a time. Back to the point, Anthony here...

ANDREW: [LOOKS UP] Andrew.

NIGEL: Sorry?

ANDREW: My name's Andrew.

NIGEL: Is it? How interesting. [TO VICK] Anyway, me and Anthony here, [INDICATES ANDREW] were at school together for years. We even took the HSC at the tame time, with Derek, [INDICATES] up the back there.

DAVE: [LOOKS UP] Uh, no, no.

NIGEL: Oh, what is it now?

DAVE: I'm Dave.

NIGEL: [SURPRISED] Are you?

DAVE: Yes?

NIGEL: Why didn't you tell me earlier?

DAVE: I did.

NIGEL: I thought you were Derek.

ANDREW: He told you this morning.

NIGEL: Really? How fascinating. [TO VICK] Back on track...

ANDREW: He told you yesterday as well.

NIGEL: Look, shut up Antione.

ANDREW: It's Andrew!

NIGEL: Look, I care? Are you the one the cameras are focussed on?

ANDREW: Yeah, look. [POINTS] You can see they are.

NIGEL: Yes, but that's because I'm talking to you at the moment. [PHYSICALLY DRAGS CAMERA TO LOOK AT HIM] I think the moment has been appropriately captured, don't you?

DAVE: I told you the day before that, as well.

NIGEL: [DESPERATEY, TO VICK] Look, shouldn't we start again?

VICK: [VO] No, no, we're fine. This is good texture stuff.

NIGEL: Stuff the texture!

DAVE: [OBLIVIOUS] In fact, I've told you three times a day, morning, noon and night for the last six months, Nige.

NIGEL: [FURIOUS] Shut up, Derek!

DAVE: You shut up, Norman!

NIGEL: I'M NOT NORMAN! THAT WASN'T ME!

ANDREW: What wasn't you?

NIGEL: The chicken consented, honestly! What would I want with a dead chicken up my arse, answer me that. [ALMOST IN TEARS] I try so hard to
be liked, but all the nice girls hate me.

ANDREW: [GENTLY] *All* girls hate you, Nigel.

NIGEL: I know, but the nice ones sometimes go down on you. Well, not YOU anyway. Or me, either for that matter. [TO VICK] Can we just get back on topic please, Vernon?

VICK: [VO] It's er, Vick, actually

NIGEL: Oh, piss off.


5. CITY

We see a logo saying EURO-GLOBE INDUSTRIES - MAKING YOUR LIVES END. A man in glasses stands next to it.

EXECUTIVE: I really must point out that this er, motto, is a simple
misspelling and shouldn't really be taken in context. EuroGlobe Industries do not murder people under any circumstances, and we are definitely not used by the American government in any way, shape or form to murder innocent refugees that attempt to reach Australia. None, whatsoever.

VICK: [VO] What's the real motto then?

EXECUTIVE: [TAKEN ABACK] I beg your pardon?

VICK: [VO] The motto. Your company motto. What is it?

EXECUTIVE: [NODS] OH, right. Ah. This motto.

He studies it for a moment, brain racing.

EXECUTIVE: Oh, well, that's simple. Ah... 'EuroGlobe Industries... Oh, god, oh god... Ah, Making Your Lives End... er'.

VICK: [VO] Yes, but what's the real one?

EXECUTIVE: Well, I haven't finished yet... [FRANTICALLY] Uuuuuuuuuh, 'EuroGlobe Industries... Making Your Lives End... less. That's it.
Making Your Lives Endlessly... oh, Fun! That's it! Brilliant!

VICK: [VO/PUZZLED] Making Your Lives Endlessly Fun?

EXECUTIVE: [INSTANTLY COMPOSED] Yes, that's it. Rather good, I thought. Took hours of work by our research team to come up with a corporate slogan which appealed to every age group and stated our intentions instantly.

VICK: [VO] And that is your intention?

EXECUTIVE: What is?

VICK: [VO] To make lives endlessly fun?

EXECUTIVE: Yes, well, of course it is. Bloody stupid to put a =
corporate logo on every wall and then find out it doesn't state our intentions.

VICK: [VO] But it doesn't.

EXECUTIVE: [SOUNDS BEATEN] Yes, it doesn't, does it?

VICK: [VO] So, what about your youth training schemes for young adults?

The executive runs off camera and there is the sound of a kiss.

VICK: [VO] Oh my god!

The Executive runs into view.

EXECUTIVE: [HAPPILY] Of course! We make endlessly fun, by providing endless jobs to todays' unemployed youth! Fantastic! I've got to communicate with head office.

He starts to head off.

VICK: [VO] Don't forget about the misspelling.

EXECUTIVE: [NOT LISTENING] Yeah, whatever.


6. NIGEL'S CAR

Nigel is driving like a maniac, but talking in a relaxed, casual manner. Also in the car are Andrew, Dave, Vick (who we still don't see fully), and a cameraman. They are pressed back into their seats by the G-Force and occasionally scream about the obstacles they are about to crash into, to remind Nigel to steer out of the way.

VICK: [VO] EuroGlobe Industries began a gargantuan publicity campaign at the start of the year, with their catchy slogan 'Get off your fat arses and do some work, you bludging scum' for their training schemes. However, it is only now that Nigel felt disposed to sign up, ten months later.

NIGEL: [NOT EVEN LOOKING AT THE ROAD] Yeah, well, I don't pay much attention to advertising you know. All that sky-writing stuff, the commercial breaks on the adult channel...

DAVE: [SCREAMS] Nigel, please, we're about to hit that car!

NIGEL: What car?

There is a crash and the whole car shakes. After two seconds steering, Nigel lets go of the wheel and turns to look at Vick.

VICK: [VO/NERVOUS] So, er, how did you learn about the exciting opportunities that EuroGlobe Industries were offering, then, Nigel?

We concentrate on Nigel as sounds of sirens and near-impacts with other vehicles fill the background.

NIGEL: Funny thing, I was just staring at the TV, singing along to Bob the Builder's version of Bohemian Rhapsody, and there was this add about free jobs. So, I thought, why not? I might be able to steal some money.

VICK: [VO/CONFUSED] But I thought you said you didn't watch advertisements.

NIGEL: Shut up, you massive waste of skin! Can't you see I'm trying to drive here! It's a task that requires total concentration on the part of the driver, I would be grateful if you showed a bit of consideration the safety of myself and everyone else in my vehicle if you just shut you bloody mouth and never speak again!

Nigel then starts driving in an exaggeratedly 'concentrated' matter, staring in every direction and making tiny, useless adjustments to the dashboard. After about ten seconds, he gets bored and gives up.

NIGEL: Besides!

VICK: [VO] Sorry?

NIGEL: It was just before Norman and The Great Arsehole's Noel Edition of Hilarious Family Video Accidents!

ANDREW: [CONVERSATIONALLY] Yeah we tried out for that, once.

VICK: [VO] Really?

DAVE: Yeah, it was a pretty good attempt, we thought. [SCREAMS] Pedestrian! [CALMLY] Yeah, we managed to train our pet dog, Pussy-Eater, to ride a skateboard. The idea was we'd film him as he accidentally hanged himself and then caught on fire.

ANDREW: [SCREAMS] Lamppost! [CALMER] We did 986 takes before we got it right, you know. And then we discovered that [VEHENOUSLY] SOMEONE had forgot ä to press the record button!

NIGEL: Yeah the tape was blank. I suggested we send it in. You know
[MIMES WRITING LETTER] 'Dear... Arsehole... Er, I was just filming my wife accidentally sew her head to the curtains when I realized that the tape wasn't recording.' That's the ultimate joke! No-one's tried that before.

DAVE: [SCREAMS] Hump-back-bridge! [CALMLY] But unfortunately, Norman - from Norman and the Great Arsehole - had done exactly the same thing. It was the highlight of their televisual career.

NIGEL: [NODS] In fact, I think that's where I stole the idea from.


7. STREET

We see the house, early in the morning.

VICK: [VO] Today is Friday, and the seventh day that Nigel has been working with EuroGlobe Industries. To ensure no tardiness, it is company policy that all employees should be awake at 7:45 AM, which will then give them time to reach work and prepare themselves for the day ahead.


8. NIGEL'S BEDROOM

We see the alarm clock tick to 7:45 and bleep loudly. Nigel's eyes snap open and he sits straight up in bed.

VICK: [VO] Like all EuroGlobe personnel, Nigel is immaculately prepared for the start of the day.

Nigel picks up a hammer and smashes the alarm clock to peaces. Smiling happily, he falls back onto the bed, fast asleep.

NIGEL: [VO] Yeah, well, it is regulation that EuroGlobe employees are awake at quarter to eight, so a lot of them wake up and stay awake. Me? Can't be bothered, and I've checked with my lawyers, and there is no =
regulation stating that we have to awake after 7:45.


9. KITCHEN

A huge breakfast is prepared - a mixture of yeeros, McDonalds, KFC and a home-cooked fry up of sausages, beans, bacons and eggs, all in the same frying pan. Andrew is tucking in, and Dave is pouring orange juice. Nigel enters, looking quite refreshed.

VICK: [VO] Nigel wakes up in his own sweet time at 11 o'clock and begins a seventeen-course breakfast. The cost of this gargantuan repast is covered by Nigel's pay-check, which has just arrived.

Nigel begins eating as well.

ANDREW: Of course, many people forget that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. The word itself comes from 'breaking fast', which means stuffing as much food into your face and then letting out a huge fart. The fast bit relates to running away before anyone realizes it was you that did it.

DAVE: [SIPPING JUICE] Apparently breakfast is the most important meal in the day.

The others nod.

NIGEL: Yeah, I mean, they're all important aren't they? Without breakfast, you'd never last to lunch. And without lunch, you'd be dead before dinner. I think every meal is equally important.

We see a hand creep toward a plate of greasy hot chips. Andrew produces a shotgun and fires at the hand. The camera view spins and ends up pointing at the ceiling. The camera man sobs in pain.

VICK: [VO] Er... Why did you just do that?

ANDREW: [VO] I had to. Sorry about your cameraman.

NIGEL: [VO] You've got to remember, that the only way to keep food supplies safe in the olden days was with a scarecrow. Young Anthony there...

ANDREW: [VO] Andrew!

NIGEL: [VO] ...Andrew, whatever... He is just more direct. [PAUSE] Do you think he's alright down there?

DAVE: [VO] Not sure. Is that his thumb is in the chili sauce?

ANDREW: [VO] Yep.

VICK: [VO] Ooh, that'd sting. Oh, well, anyway, when do you think
you'll be heading for work?

NIGEL: [VO] Whenever I bloody well want to, you retard. Pass the salt.


10. RAILWAY STATION

A train pulls in on the station. Passengers embark and disembark.

VICK: [VO] After a short break to the intensive care unit and a new cameraman, Nigel and the people he knows finish off their breakfast and head for work. Quite why Andrew and Dave are coming to EuroGlobe Industries is something of a mystery, as they don't actually work there.

The train leaves.

NIGEL: [VO] Yeah, well, they've been keeping quiet a lot, not talking in their usual high-pitched agonized squealing, so I've decided to them a favor. Besides, I'm hoping the security guards will chuck them out the moment they try and get inside.

We cut to Nigel, half-turned away from us, staring at a time table.

VICK: [VO] What about us?

NIGEL: Us? Who's us, white boy?

VICK: [VO] Us! The Wasting Time documentary film crew!

NIGEL: Oh, them. [PAUSE] Who knows? There is that rule of absolutely no filming inside the buildings, but that's no reason to be worried. After all, my bashful charm and muscular physique, I should be able to sweet-talk them round it. Nothing to worry about.

Nigel turns to face us, holding a porn mag and zipping up his trousers. Andrew and Dave join them. Dave holds a bucket of hot chips and Andrew has a dozen magazines under his arm. He hands them to Nigel.

ANDREW: OK, here are all the ones they've got. You finished with 'Dogs' Arses Monthly', yet?

NIGEL: [HANDS HIM MAGAZINE] Yeah, here you go.

ANDREW: [TAKES IT GINGERLY] Yeah, they want the others back when you've finished with them.

Andrew walks off.

DAVE: [HANDS NIGEL CHIPS] There you go. [PAUSE] So how come you get on so well with everyone here at the station but not your own parents?

NIGEL: I'm a brilliant diplomat and student of the human nature, Dave. [FLIPS THROUGH PORN MAGS] Hmmm! 'Flat Slags Weekly' or 'Hairy Bitch Digest'?! Oh, God! The agony of choice! I'll just have to try using both.

He turns away from us.

NIGEL: Anyway, where was I?

VICK: [VO] How do you get on so well with the station staff?

NIGEL: Oh, yeah. Well, I just blackmail them.

VICK: [VO] Blackmail?!

NIGEL: Yep. Slipped them LSD, waited five minutes and just started taking photographs. You need asbestos gloves to look at those ones - they're red hot.

DAVE: [NODS] Yeah, I've seen them. There's the tick salesman running around wearing only a Toblerone packet and cutting off peoples' genitalia without them noticing. [GIGGLES] What people get up to if they think no one's watching...


11. RAILWAY STATION

We see a large clock saying one o'clock. We pan down to see a train pulling out of the station.

VICK: [VO] The midday train has left the station, and Nigel is now three and a half hours late for work. However, this latest delay is, surprisingly enough, not of his own making.

We cut to Nigel and Dave. A pile of sticky magazines sits at their feet, with flies buzzing around it. Nigel and Dave are now eating some takeaway and Dave is flipping through a copy of the day's paper.

NIGEL: There's no reason why we wouldn't be on it!

DAVE: ...except for the fact they don't let you get on the trains without a ticket.

NIGEL: Yeah, well there is that. Fascists! I'll have to remind the boss I've got the photos of him in the wet suit with the bottom cut out and the bucket of fish. That's not the problem...

DAVE: What? Is that the one that they don't let you eat on board?

NIGEL: NO! It's the fact Andrew's missing.

DAVE: So?

NIGEL: So, I owe him! [TO VICK] This is the only time you can film a day at work right?

VICK: [VO] Well, actually...

NIGEL: [IGNORING HIM] You see, Dave?

DAVE: Ok, Ok! Keep calm. [PAUSE] Why do you owe him?

NIGEL: Hmm? Oh, in return for getting him on TV and being taken to my industrious place of work, he was going to make a perpetually looped tape of the shower scene in Starship Troopers.

Nigel looks quite excited at this prospect.

DAVE: [DISGUSTED] Will you just calm down?! Weren't those fifty-eight separate porn magazines enough to sate your libido for five minutes?

NIGEL: There is no such publication that can hold me!!!

He laughs in megalomania for a few moments.

NIGEL: Where is that stupid Anthony idiot!

DAVE: Andrew!

NIGEL: Whatever!

We cut to Andrew wandering out of the toilets. He slowly realizes that he is being filmed, and tries to smile politely at camera and walk in a straight line. He bumps into various people and objects, before the camera rushes towards him.

VICK: [VO] Andrew! Andrew!

ANDREW: [TRYING TO LOOK COOL] Yeah, what?

VICK: [VO] You've missed the train we're running late.

ANDREW: [TRYING TO LOOK COOL] Yeah, so?

He crosses to a phone and tries to lift it up and dial a number while still staring straight at camera and fails miserably.


12. RADIO STATION

We see Norman, in a pair of shades, managing to eat a pizza and talk into a microphone at the same time. The Great Arsehole sits opposite him. A third figure and seems to be talking in a strange voice - we do not see his face.

NORMAN: So, Commahahagrrrr, anything planned for the weekend?

,HAHAGRR: [SOUNDING ALIEN] Yes. I am going to destroy your planet and everyone one it. Your mighty cities will collapse like dust in the wind as we feast upon your bones.

Norman has dozed off. Arsehole nudges him awake.

NORMAN: [WAKES] What? Hmm? Oh, right. And ah, why are you doing that?

Another alien voice fills the air.

BRRAD: Yeah, Bohss. Why?

,HAHAGRR: Silence, Brrad!

BRRAD: Please, call me Brad.

ARSEHOLE: Uh, sorry guys, but we've really got to ask you to leave.

BRRAD: Why? Is our time running out?

ARSEHOLE: No, we just don't like you very much.

,HAHGRR: Oh, all right then.

We see two strange aliens rise and leave the studio. Norman and Arsehole watch on, shaking their heads.

ARSEHOLE: God, it's worse than John Howard turning up.

NORMAN: [NODS] You got that right, Arsehole. At least we're still on air without the parents complaining.

A light starts flashing. After a few seconds, Arsehole notices it. He simply swigs some more tea and ignores it. Another light starts to flash. And another. A siren starts to wail.

NORMAN: Arsehole?

ARSEHOLE: Hmm?

NORMAN: I think we've got a call.

ARSEHOLE: Yeah?

NORMAN: You wanna answer it?

ARSEHOLE: [FURIOUS] Jesus Christ, I wouldn't want you to get off your tiny arse and do something yourself, you bloated sack of cancerous stool samples. [PICKS UP PHONE AND IS INSTANTLY FRIENDLY] Glebe FM, can I help you?

There is a gunshot. Both Norman and Arsehole look surprised.

ANDREW: [VO/DISTORTED] Damn! Missed!


13. RAILWAY STATION

We see Andrew giggling. He is holding a tape recorder up to the phone.

ANDREW: [INTO PHONE] Hello? Is that the Samaritans?


14. RADIO STATION

Norman and Arsehole exchange looks.

ARSEHOLE: [SOTTO] He thinks he's rung the Samaritans.

NORMAN: [SOTTO] Who'd be that stupid a

ARSEHOLE: [SOTTO] Only one man.

NORMAN: [NODS] Jjjjim Volkswagen.

ARSEHOLE: [SLY] This could be fun. [INTO MIKE] Hello. Samaritans. Can I help you at all?

[From now on we cut between the two stations]

Andrew puts on an anguished expression.

ANDREW: Please, you've got to help me! I can't take it anymore!

ARSEHOLE: Well, I think that you're the judge of that.

NORMAN: That's right arsehole. So, Jjjjim, what can't you take?

ANDREW: Oh, everything. I've failed at school, my girlfriend's left me because I can't French Kiss her, I'm crap at sport and people think I'm strange.

NORMAN: Yes, well, there appears to be only one course left to you.

ANDREW: [DESPERATE] Yes? Yes?!

ARSEHOLE: Are you a Buddhist, Jjjjim?

ANDREW: [CONFUSED] What?

ARSEHOLE: Look, mate, if you can't hate the shit hole you've made of your life, all you can do it start all over and hope for the best. So, what are you thinking of coming back as?

ANDREW: Oh, er...

NORMAN: Something organic. I'd go for frilly lace undies myself.

ARSEHOLE: Nah, I'd be Sarah Michelle Gellar. She's DANGEROUSLY organic, she is. I could get a job in a Marrickville pub - a strip-joint FULL of =
mirrors! [CALMS DOWN] Well, it's your decision.

ANDREW: Let me get this straight, you WANT me to commit suicide.

NORMAN: We've all got to go sometime, Jjjim.

ARSEHOLE: In fact, I wish we could come with you, but you know what its like, being highly-respected radio megastars...

ANDREW: But you're the Samaritans!

NORMAN & ARSEHOLE: Yeeeeeeeeeees.

ANDREW: You're supposed to convince me not to kill myself.

NORMAN & ARSEHOLE: Yeeeeeeeeeees.

ANDREW: You're not doing a good job are you?

NORMAN: Well, you're obviously inconsolable. Nothing we can say or do will persuade you otherwise. Sorry, Jjjjim, I'd like to help but, er, lost causes depress us, isn't that right Arsehole?

ARSEHOLE: Too right, Norman.

ANDREW: But surely, don't you get paid if I kill myself!

ARSEHOLE: It's a bit vulgar to talk about money at a time like this.

ANDREW: Well, don't you?

NORMAN: Yes. Thirty dollars for every human life saved, plus GST.

ANDREW: So if I die, you don't get paid.

There is a long pause.

ARSEHOLE: Excuse us just one minute, Jjjjim.

Norman and Arsehole switch off the mikes and talk in hushed tones.

NORMAN: [SOTTO] But we don't get paid!

ARSEHOLE: [SOTTO] But we might be if we can convince the boss that we're saving lives.

NORMAN: [SOTTO] The viewers won't like it if we save someone!

ARSEHOLE: [SOTTO] Not viewers, you idiot! Listeners! Besides, we only have to stop him killing himself now. We're guest starring in the next episode of "Always Greener", so we'll bring along Jjjim and execute him live on TV!

NORMAN: [SOTTO] But can we convince him to save himself?

ARSEHOLE: [SOTTO] Yeah, easy. We just have to make him feel wanted, to feel good about himself.

NORMAN: [SOTTO] How? I mean, what is there about him to feel good about? He's so sad and pathetic he couldn't get elected president of the United States!

ARSEHOLE: Ah, well, it'll be a laugh whatever happens.

He switches the mikes back on.

ARSEHOLE: Hello, there, Jjjim!

ANDREW: [SOBBING] Look, I can't take it anymore! No one's listening, not even you! I'm going to end it all right now.

Arsehole looks panicked. Norman steps in.

NORMAN: Now look here, Jjjim, your heart's not really into it, is it? If you had really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it by now. You wouldn't have rung us up. So, come on, there's no reason to blow your head to pieces, is there?

ANDREW: [SOFTLY] I voted for John Howard.

Norman and Arsehole's eyes widen.

ARSEHOLE: [SCREAMS] Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the ---

Norman grabs Arsehole and manages to silence him.

NORMAN: [SOUNDS DISGUSTED] Look, I'm sure there must be something we can do to help you [LOOKS ILL] overcome your foul depraved mindset.

ANDREW: There's only one thing stopping me from killing myself right now!

NORMAN: What?

ANDREW: Well, I can't put the shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger at the same time. My arms don't reach you see.

NORMAN: Yes, there is that problem!

ANDREW: But I'm going to kill myself right now...

NORMAN & ARSEHOLE: Yes!?!

ANDREW: ...unless you tell me how to put the shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger at the same time!

ARSEHOLE: Oh, easy. Use a bit of string. Tie it round the trigger.

ANDREW: [CHEERFUL] Oh, thanks mate!

Andrew holds up the tape recorder and presses a button. A deafening gunshot is heard, followed by some gurgles, then silence. Andrew walks away from the phones. Meanwhile, Norman and Arsehole exchange looks.

NORMAN: Ah.

ARSEHOLE: Oh. Anyway, tomorrow on Glebe FM, the house of fun, laughter, pain, death and misery. Sponsored by Natasha Dotdespoya under duress. And now, Bob the Builder sings the National Anthem.

He flips some switches and then slumps back in the chair.

ARSEHOLE: Well, that could have gone better.

NORMAN: Look on the bright side, Jjjjim Volkswagen is dead.

ARSEHOLE: I suppose so. Call the limousine, will you?

NORMAN: [STARTS DIALING PHONE] I hate the chauffer, don't you?

ARSEHOLE: Yes, we've had to put up Jjjim Volkswagen for the last six months. He was frightfully reckless this morning.

NORMAN: [INTO PHONE] Yes. Yeah, do it. [PUTS DOWN PHONE] God, I hate him!

ARSEHOLE: Jjjjim?

NORMAN: Yeah, he's still in the car park. [PAUSE] Oh.

ARSEHOLE: Hey, if that's Jjjjim Volkswagen, then who...

The terrible twosome look worried.


15. RAILWAY TRACK

A Tangara accelerates down the track.

VICK: [VO] After disciplining Andrew appropriately, Nigel boards the next train to work. Even if the train was running on time, they would still be four hours late. Yet Nigel is not concerned.


16. TRAIN CARRIAGE

Nigel, Dave and Andrew are sitting around. Andrew has a black eye.

NIGEL: Well, I mean, everyone has their bad days. I mean, this isn't that usual for us, you know. Normally, we're very punctual. Well, I am. Sometimes I even turn up for work at all!

He looks around for the others to laugh. They don't.

NIGEL: [TO HIMSELF] Damn. Mistimed it. [LOUDER] Hey, Andrew?

ANDREW: [LOOKS UP] He remembered my name. [TO NIGEL] What?

NIGEL: Lean out of the window, for me, would you?

ANDREW: Isn't that something you're not supposed to do if the train is moving very fast? I thought it was.

DAVE: Yeah, it is.

NIGEL: [THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] Just do it.

Andrew gives Dave a worried, look, then rises to the window and headbutts until it shatters wind roars in. He sticks his head out the window for about half-a-second and then turns to Nigel.

ANDREW: Happy?

NIGEL: Longer.

Andrew stick his head out for a whole second.

NIGEL: Longer!

Andrew starts to, but stops.

ANDREW: Ohmygod!! Somehow, a 500 dollar note has attached itself to the side of the train outside, and sticky-taped to it is a copy of 'Pot-Bellied Pig Fanciers' Weekly'!

NIGEL: [EXCITED] Where! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere?!

Andrew steps aside and indicates Nigel stick his head out through the window. Nigel does so and a second later the train enters a tunnel. Everything goes dark for a moment and there is a hideous scream. The train emerges from the tunnel, and the lights return. There is no sign of Nigel.

ANDREW: [SHOUTS THROUGH WINDOW] Hahahah! What do you think I am? Stupid?

The train enters another tunnel. Andrew screams. When the train emerges, Dave is left alone with Vick and the cameraman.

VICK: [VO] Er, shouldn't you, um...

DAVE: [READING NEWSPAPER] Oh, they're just upset.

17. CITY

We see the building from earlier. Nigel and Andrew are slightly the worse for wear. Looking very overconfident, Nigel strides into the foyer like he owns the place.

VICK: [VO] After a brief stop at the next station to collect the bodies of Andrew and Nigel, and a short trip to an intensive care unit, Nigel Verkoff reaches work a mere five hours late, but spirits undampened.


18. FOYER

A large, fat woman sits at the front desk marked SECURITY RECEPTION. Nigel strides up to the security guard.

GUARD: Pass, please.

NIGEL: [SHOWS HER PASS] There you go, Lucky Charm.

We see the picture on the pass is of Nigel, dressed as stripper, down to his jockstrap. Nigel frowns at the guard.

NIGEL: Are you wearing shoulder pads?

GUARD: [BASHFUL] Just a hint of working out.

NIGEL: Suits you. So, how's the sex change coming along?

GUARD: [SIGHS] Slow but sure. Uh, Mr Verkoff, who are these people?

She indicates the others.

VICK: [VO] Well, you we're part of...

NIGEL: [HASTILY] A new sitcom for transvestite security personnel. It's called "Don't Cross Us, Mate". I was just wondering, perhaps you could appear as part of the title sequence - you know, busy trannie guard filling out forms and her pair of male boxers...

GUARD: Really?!

NIGEL: [SMILES] Yes, really! [TO CAMERA, THREATENING] Isn't that right?!

VICK: [VO] Er, of course. Yes.

GUARD: FANTASTIC!

NIGEL: Why don't you go and freshen up? You want to look you best for the cameras, wouldn't you? I'm sure Mr Daville here would be more than happy enough to give a few moments to change.

GUARD: Really?! Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really?

There is a long pause.

VICK: [VO] Yes.

The Guard runs over to a small door, opens it and rushes inside. Nigel surreptitiously closes it. Andrew wanders over to him.

ANDREW: That was suspiciously easy.

NIGEL: Ah, I do this every day. You still have that bottle of scotch on you, Andrew? [ANDREW NODS] Give it to me.

ANDREW: Why?

NIGEL: It would take years to make you understand.

ANDREW: Understand what?

NIGEL: That I am better than you, so listen to me before I shove a shotgun up your arse and give you both barrels!

....

Sunday, September 9, 2007

The First Ever 9th Doc/Rose Fic

The first fic I ever wrote for this pair was the first one ever put onto OG and very likely the first posted fic for them EVER. This is a historical document, people, and thus worth putting up since OG appears be on a collision course for the heart of a sun.

Doesn't mean this is actually any good, though...


----

Buttons, switches, dials, rotating spheres, crystals slotted into grooves... The controls on the panel were completely dissimilar to each other, their only common factor being the way they were laid into the polished wooden paneling of the hexagonal control desk. But the pale, well-manicured hands that operated these controls moved with such confidence it was clear that their owner considered them less than the sophisticated energies they guided.

The hands belonged to a tall, slender man with close-cropped auburn hair and delicately pointed features. His eyes were the colour of emeralds, and were not inclined to blink as time passed. The clothes he wore were a casual collection from many different places, but together they formed a simple ensemble that was (usually) not commented by others, no matter what their native time period.

However, he stood out against his surroundings vividly – a broad stroke of colour against a honeycombed world of treacle and polished silver. The hexagonal chamber he was currently occupying was a large one, lit by glareless ceiling panels that divided the ceiling above him, and the spiral light fitting at its core. The regular glowing indentations in the walls providing more illumination, as did the crystalline elements of the control console and the odd light from its grilled hexagonal base.

The man at the controls did not spare his surroundings a spare glance if he could help it – on the occasions he did, he found himself wishing he was in the old control room with all its antique wood paneling and stained glass portholes... Still, he thought. No point pining over pinewood. He chuckled lightly and reached forward to punch a coded sequence into a checkered keypad.

“What’s so funny?” asked a voice over his shoulder.

Idly, the man turned and saw a young woman standing in one of the archways that lead to other parts of the complex. For a moment, his gaze lingered over the newcomer, as though he never seen her before in his life. Then, a warm smile of bright white teeth formed on his face, recognition filling his eyes. “Oh, nothing of consequence, my dear Rose, nothing at all.” As always, he took great care in pronouncing each word, as if savoring the separate meanings on his tongue. “I trust you’re well?” he asked, turning back to the controls once again.

“Better than ever,” replied Rose, stepping up onto the console podium beside her friend. She peered at the myriad controls before her and nodded as though confirming a long-held suspicion. “The sprockets still working then, Doctor?”

The Doctor glanced sideways at her and moved to another control panel. “Better than before. The overhaul’s perfect, as I said.” He pointed to a rectangle on the console that showed spinning shapes in series. “Earth, England, 1992, as requested. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Rose grinned at her companion. “If you say so, Doctor. If you say so.”

The Doctor nodded and peered at the displays. As her sarcastic tone penetrated his consciousness, the Doctor’s expression soured and he looked up at her and rolled his eyes. After all, their recent trials in the fourth and fifth dimensions had given her due cause to doubt his time machine’s capabilities – but he was certain that this time would be different.

The Doctor was, unfortunately, so engrossed in Rose’s laughter inspired by his somber expression that he totally missed the blinking red light ignite on the console at the exact moment an ethereal, wheezing, groaning sound filled the chamber around them...

#

It was the height of summer and the heat should have been oppressive – but the thick bank of clouds blocked out the sky and made the countryside below cool and lined it with shadows. The faint noise of birdsong was swallowed up as the trees they occupied swayed in the breeze, the green surface of the foliage rippling and crashing with soft sighs.

In one of the paddocks dotted around, something rather strange happened.

A square patch of long reeds was suddenly pressed hard into the soil, the empty air above filled with a shifting, electric blue colour, like light reflecting off moving water. A strange sound descended into the range of human hearing, becoming a tortured grating, chuffing noise. The blue glow spread and darkened, coalescing into an upright paneled booth. The noise stopped abruptly with a metallic clang, and the yellow lamp on the booth’s pyramidal roof ceased its regular flashing.

For a long moment, the intruder listed in the field, silent bar a curious humming sound beneath its tattered blue paintwork. Then, a panel in its front swung back into the box, allowing the Doctor to step out into the lonely, grey landscape. He adjusted the angle of the broad-brimmed hat he’d placed on his head and slowly looked around him, his distinctive face showing a total lack of reaction to either his surroundings or his unusual method of arrival.

Rose Tyler emerged from the box and the door slammed shut behind her, seemingly of its own accord. Rose was not particularly worried about the action – there was an air of melodrama about the incident, rather than menace, as though the box was simply making sure she paid it some attention. While she wasn’t entirely convinced the time machine was alive like the Doctor said, little moments like this gave her pause for thought. However, her face fell as she looked around.

Before her was the beginning of a large wood of non-deciduous trees, surrounded by rolling hill and below a rain-threatening sky. “We could be anywhere,” she said, deflated somewhat. The Doctor had seemed so confident he could get them where she asked for.

The Doctor inhaled deeply and smiled. “Yes,” he agreed. “Anywhere. Even where we were headed for.”

Rose crossed through the reeds towards her friend. “This is where you set the controls for?” she asked.

The Doctor shrugged. “Well, more or less, give or take,” he conceded. “This is definitely Earth and almost certainly England.” He jumped up in the air and nodded. “Definitely the right hemisphere, I’m sure about it. After all we’ve been through, it’s quite close, don’t you think?”

Rose eyed their lonely surroundings again. “Well, I suppose so. Why don’t we just go back inside and jump across to where we want to be?”

The Doctor shook his head. “You know, I don’t think that will work. We need to know where we are before we can simply decide where we can go to. Tell you what, I’ll just pop over the hill and see just where we are. Are you coming?” he asked brightly.

Normally, Rose would have agreed right away. However, the cold was eating through her clothes and the warm interior of the TARDIS seemed too good a chance to miss. Besides, she trusted the Doctor to be able to look after himself. “No, I think I’ll mind the fort. You won’t be long, will you?”

The Doctor was eagerly striding across the field towards the hill. “Time is relative,” he called back to her.


On second thoughts, maybe this should have been left to die on my harddrive...

Thursday, September 6, 2007

What if...?

What if the rumors were true?

OK, the program guide of that other realm...

ROSE by RTD
The Eighth Doctor regenerates into a Ninth, who visits his long time neighbour Rosie Tyler during her birthday party when Autons attack, having discovered a way to possess humans using a Nestene heroin - srating with Rosie's abusive boyfriend Mickey Smith!


THE END OF THE ROAD by RTD
The Doctor and Rosie are placed under UNIT protection when Mr. Smith, a time traveller from the future arrives to destroy the Doctor after he sacrificed the Earth to the Daleks, who then fired asteroids at the surface. The Doctor must survive long enough to change the future.


GAS LIGHT by Mark Gattiss
The alien Geith are possessing the inhabitants of 1870, and the Doctor teams up with the doomed Charles Dickens to save Rosie from the Geith's sinister master, Nicholas Valentine...


ALIENS OF LONDON by RTD
After the events of the TV Movie, the slimy Master possesses the Prime Minister of Great Britain and declared war with the Slithereen Confederacy, leading to a war between species. Meanwhile, the Doctor, Rosie and Mickey meet Margaret Blaine, a woman who has discovered how to travel in time!


MUSEUM PIECE by Rob Shearman
The Doctor discovers the last of the Imperial Daleks a prisoner in Area 51 and tries to stop the Dalek Agent, a clone called Adam, from freeing it. However, the Dalek takes over Rosie's mind and together they plan to destroy humanity and rebuild Davros' empire.


THE LONG GAME by RTD
The Doctor and Rosie find themselves in a future version of Big Brother starring various celebrity historical figures - Joan of Arc, Einstein and Captain Jack Harkness.


D-DAY by Paul Cornell
The Doctor, Rosie and Jack head back to the 1980s to discover what happened to her father (Simon Pegg), and discover the chronovorous Vanishers are attacking the city. The Eighth Doctor arrives and together, the Doctors save the world, but Simon is vanished.


THE RIPPER by Stephen Moffat
Rosie and the Doctor relate their previous adventure - when they were trapped on an 1880s London steam train with Jack the Ripper on the rampage...


GAMESWORLD by RTD
The TARDIS arrives back at at the world dedicated to deadly gameshows, and as Jack faces his destiny, the Doctor and Rosie discover that Cybermen disguised as scarecrows are attacking 19th Century whistledown farms, and draining the blood of all their victims!


THE PARTING OF THE WAVES by RTD
Adam is revealed to be Davros, who unleashes a new army of Daleks to attack the Earth. The Eighth Doctor and Jack fight the Daleks, while the Ninth Doctor is mortally wounded. With the Slithereen destroying the Daleks, the Doctor and Rosie escape in the TARDIS. The Doctor announces to Rosie, "I've taught you all you need to know, so now you can do it yourself," before the doors open and he is sucked out into the time vortex, killing him instantly.


THE CHRISTMAS INVASION by RTD
Rosie and Jack return to London on Christmas Day when the Ice Warriors storm the Earth. An amnesiac Tenth Doctor is finally located and he manages to save the Earth with the help of Harriet Jones, the Prime Minister.


THE SUNSHINE CAMP by RTD
The Face of Boe takes over a plague camp where humans are experimented on with various diseases, only to die and leave his secret to the Doctor.


TOOTH AND CLAW by RTD
Returning to Earth, another Slithereen invasion attack to reclaim their technology.


SCHOOL REUNION by Tom Whitehouse
The Master returns, fulfilling the Face of Boe's secret in a remake of the Faculty. Mickey joins the TARDIS crew.


THE LONELY ANGEL by Stephen Moffat
Using stock footage of Cassanova, the Tenth Doctor mingles in Venice while dealing with an encounter with his old friend, Sarah Jane Smith. The Pilot Fish strike out once again.


SPARE PARTS by Tom MaCrae
Arriving on a parallel version of Earth, a Cyberman plague is killing off humanity, and International Electromatix is coming up with a way of saving the human race. To stop them, the Doctor, Rosie and Mickey must team up with the alternate, gay Mickey - a ruthless murderer known as the Grinderman.


THE IDIOT'S LANTERN by Mark Gattiss
The increasingly fraught TARDIS crew encounter Queen Victoria, and the Nestenes make a bid for supremacy using bakelite plastic.


THE SATAN PIT by Matthew Jones
The Doctor, Mickey and Rosie encounter Matthew Hopkins, Witchfinder General and unwittingly unleash an alien demon in their quest to locate Captain Jack.


LOVE AND MONSTERS by RTD
A Blair Witch Project spoof, as a man called Elton Pope falls foul of an Abzorbaloff and the owner of a police box.

VILE BODIES by Stephen Fry
The TARDIS crew encounter the revenge of Adam in 2012, the truth about King Arthur in the middle ages, and just what has happened to Jack on another planet...


THE ARMY OF GHOSTS by RTD
A Cyberman invasion is fought off by Geocomtex, leading the full-scale return of the Time Lord with lots of flashbacks to the Time War. Mickey and Rosie leave the Doctor to face the revenge of the Time Lords, who destroy his TARDIS in a season cliffhanger.


THE RUNAWAY BRIDE by RTD
The Doctor is saved from certain death by an Eternal in the shape of a bride. The Doctor finds himself trying to convince the Bride that she must continue to live despite the trauma she has suffered, and then the Pilot Fish attack with giant snowmen.


THE ICE WORLD by RTD
The Doctor encounters Martha Jones when her hospital is teleported to the surface of Mars - and the natives are not happy. Then the Sontarans arrive to hunt down a Rutan spy, and things really get interesting.


MARTHA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER by Gareth Roberts
Travelling back to meet William Shakespeare, the Doctor and Martha meet a group of the Time Lord's ancient enemies. Featuring special scenes with the Ninth Doctor and Rosie from A Groatsworth of Wit.


FLESH AND BONE by RTD
The Great Intelligence rules New Earth, forcing the Doctor and Martha to fight off the Yeti.


THE DALEKS TAKE MANHATTEN by Helen Raynor
Dalek Sec begins the conquest of humanity by genetically reprogramming pigs to become humanoid warriors. In order to fund its experiments, the Daleks set up a showgirl theatre.


HUMAN NATURE by Paul Cornell
The Rani returns and transforms the Doctor into an ordinary human being, leaving him helpless when the Aubertides return to defeat the Doctor for their earlier defeat. Can Joan Redfern help him again?


OUT OF THE CORNER OF YOUR EYE by Stephen Moffat
Captain Jack returns in this Doctor light episode of alien stalkers who steal people's lives.


UTOPIA by RTD
The Doctor, Martha and Jack meet arrive on an alien planet of clock builders who worship the Face of Boe. The Doctor discovers that the inhabitants are the descendants of the Time Lords and when their leader (Derek Jacobi) is forced to regenerate, earns the Doctor another enemy.


THE ARCHANGEL by RTD
Fleeing to 21st century Earth, the Doctor is captured by the evil Harold Saxon... AKA the Valeyard!


VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED by RTD
The Eternal race of ships is endangered when the Sea Devils and Ice Warriors lay a trap with an ice berg. With the help of a living TARDIS called Astrid (Kylie Minogue) and the Porg leader (Hugh Grant) the Tenth Doctor deliberately sinks the Titanic.


ON DONNA - THE FIRES OF VULCAN ii by RTD
Donna Noble teams up with the Doctor and travel back to Imperial Rome during the dying days of the empire.


MIND WAR by Gareth Roberts
During an encounter with Agatha Christie, the Doctor has flashbacks to the Time War for no real reason.


PLANET OF THE OOD by Keith Temple
While visiting the Oodsphere as Humanity enslaves an intelligent hive species, the Doctor continues to have flashbacks with Paul McGann in it for no real reason, as well as Davros.


A DEADLY PAST by Terrance Dicks
A sequel to Claws of Axos. Of COURSE!!!


SAPPHIRE AVENGED by Someone Who Wishes To Remain Nameless.
It turns out that Sapphire (Joanna Lumbley) and Steel (David McCallum) have resurrected the Master in the year 100 Trillion for no real reason.


THE ICY NEMESIS by Someone Who Wishes To Remain Nameless
The third remake in a row of The Dying Days as Martha Jones and Brigadier handle first contact with Earth and Mars sans the Doctor.


ETERNAL STRUGGLE by Someone Else Who Wishes Never To Be Discovered
Now with Martha as a companion, the Doctor and Donna sit down and watch MORE flashbacks to the Time War for no real reason for two whole episodes. Starring Davros (Ben Kingsley).


THE TIME WAR by Someone Who Needs A Life
Maximum fanwank is achieved with a four part story full of flashbacks to the Time War with the return of Rosie Tyler and Mickey Smith as Gallifrey burns and the Doctor dies and regenerates in the 200th Doctor Who story.


THE FOUR DOCTORS by Terrance Dicks
Running out of fanwank to enjoy, the Eleventh Doctor (Mark Gatiss) decides to travel through time and meet his previous three incarnations and show off how crap the latest one is.

The series is then cancelled until 2010 with a major rethink involved. You think I made this crap up?

Think again, pilgrim. Go here and think again.

Is Jack The Face of Boe?

At the end of the Season Three finale, The Last of the Time Lords, the Doctor and Captain Jack Harkness part ways for what could be the final time with Jack's rather strange decision to forego travelling through time and space to look after a bunch of jerks who refuse to trust him and actually tried to kill him. This more baffling because the immortal Jack could spend a few centuries travelling with the Doctor before heading back to Torchwood. What's more important is the final speech.

"But I keep wondering: what about aging? Cause, I can't die but I keep getting older. The odd little grey hair, you know. What happens if I live for a million years? ...OK, vanity, sorry, yeah, can't help it. Used to be a poster boy when I was a kid, living in the Boeshane Peninsula, tiny little place. I was the first one ever to be signed up for the Time Agency. They were so proud of me. 'The Face of Boe', they called me."

He then laughs, points at the Doctor and Martha's shocked expressions and then says,

"I'll be seeing you," and heads off, leaving Martha to exclaim "He can't be!" and the Doctor, startled, to say, "No. Can't be. NO!" before starting to laugh.

Fans being fan looked at this scene and instantly came to the conclusion.

JACK IS THE FACE OF BOE!

Yet, RTD, the guy who wrote every last appearance of the Face of Boe, and all bar two episodes of Doctor Who's Captain Jack, was reluctant to confirm the obvious. Why? It's not some kind of long term plan since Jack's return to Doctor Who is highly, highly unlikely. Another series of Torchwood is similarly unlikely, since John Barrowman is so damned busy all the time.

RTD would only refuse to commit himself for two reasons: either Jack's story has more to be told (unlikely if he is the Face of Boe, in which case, that story is told), or else, quite simply, Jack is not the Face of Boe.

The TV series gives little information about what, at first, was nothing more than a prop mixing Arcturus from Curse of Peladon with the Severed Celebrity Heads of Futurama. We know he has been alive from before the year 200, 000 (where he was so famous he merited his own TV show despite the xenophobic human empire) and was pregnant with 'Boemina'. From the Silver Devastation, (apparently some location in the Isop Galaxy) the Face of Boe was rich enough to sponser the Earthdeath celebration, and got on well with the Moxx of Balhoun. The Face is the last of 'Boekind' 23 years later and is able to prevent his own death and teleport at will, send psychic messages through time and space, and his life force can power a whole city, and that he dies, speaking for the first time to the Doctor: "You Are Not Alone". If Jack is the Face of Boe, he could easily have worked out an acronym to clue the Doctor about the Master's survival (and as we know Jack has a respect for the timelines and could willingly fulfill this destiny - he might have started the legends int the first place).

From that, there is little that makes you think Captain Jack was really the Face of Boe. Bar perhaps referring to the Doctor as an old friend, and his knowledge of the Time Lords, there is no hint he is really an old companion. The Ninth Doctor could have, for example, bumped into the Face of Boe in The Long Game so it's possible that the Face's knowledge is down to a future encounter with the Doctor, albiet prior to the former's death. (Time travel, you know). Certainly, all the references to 'Boekind' show that there were other such creatures as the Face of Boe, though what form they took is unknown, so the idea that Jack simply aged into a giant head is unlikely, as is the idea he moved to the Isop Galaxy. The Face of Boe not so much as trying to flirt with Novice Hame also suggests the Face is not Jack as much as the fact the Doctor can happily spend time with the Face, but his every instinct is to run for the hills at the sight of the 'impossible' Jack.

Of course, five billion years is a hell of a long time, and Jack could have easily changed into a giant severed head and back a dozen times over. But it's just as possible that he didn't.

Supporting evidence from RTD's biography of the Face of Boe in Monsters and Villains adds to the idea that the immortal Jack is the undying Boe: the Face of Boe outlived its six offspring (which apparently lived for the normal Boekind lifespan of sixty years) and is described as 'the creature God forgot' because of Boe's unending lifespan. It also notes that the apparent life support systems the Face of Boe possesses doesn't actually keep the head alive and could easily have survived without it.

The Doctor knows the most about Captain Jack's status, and explains that Bad Wolf made him a permanent fact. He cannot die because the universe must have him alive (hence the way non-fatal injuries are not magically healed). It seems odd that this god like power would not prevent Jack's aging unless, of course, it's mild paranoia on Jack's part and he doesn't actually look any older. The Doctor's digs about plastic surgery are just that. Digs. The resurrection is permanent, yet in New Earth the Face of Boe is clearly capable of choosing to die, and in Gridlock dies for good, after all his life energy is spent - yet Jack, in a similar fix in Torchwood: End of Days, simply takes slightly normal than longer to recover. Unless an episode in Series Four shows the Face of Boe revived after the Doctor and Martha left, this is the real problem.

Unless we assume that during five billion years Jack discovered how to die but chose not to, changed his entire physical appearance and species, moved to the Isop Galaxy and then acted in a completely un-Jack like manner simply to preserve the time lines, it really looks unlikely. And he would only behave like that if he knew he was destined to become the Face of Boe.

After all, for a well-travelled man like Jack who accompanied the Doctor and Rose, it is quite reasonable for him to have either known about it before he joined the TARDIS, or from Rose or the Doctor. In Stealer of Dreams, Jack mentions a friend who once dressed up as the Face of Boe for a fancy dress party. Even if Jack is exaggerating or out and out lying (which is, after all, a major part of Stealer of Dreams) he must at least know that the Face of Boe is a giant severed head that the Doctor and Rose have met.

This leads to the problem of Jack. He's a self-confessed con man and also a compulsive name dropper and story teller. Torchwood as a series makes no sense unless its taken as read most of the team think he's joking/lying all the time, as Jack's very first scene in the series gives him a monologue that reveals he is a time-travelling spaceman who was once pregnant. Whether he's lying or not, the team automatically assume he's being frivolous. In Torchwood: Captain Jack Harkness we discover that the name he has used for centuries is not even his real name.

Jack is, thus, not a reliable source. Did he really grow up in the Boeshane Peninsula? Is there even such a place? If he was called the Face of Boe, it's quite possible the nickname was not flattering but insulting - ie, Jack had a big head, he was so full of himself. If Jack can happily lie to his own side and lead them into a suicide charge, he can quite easily claim that when he grow up he'll be the Face of Boe.

The only thing we can be sure of is that Jack knows about the Face of Boe, and his little speech was not said in blissful ignorance, but with the knowledge that it is just possible that Jack could turn out to be one of the most mysterious beings in the created universe.

So, why not simply say, "What if I turn out to be the Face of Boe?"

Well, as has been mentioned, Jack is a conman, and what's more saying goodbye to a man he's been in love with for the best part of two centuries. It seems far more credible that Jack would take one last chance to wind the Doctor up than his sudden militaristic chivalry. When he finishes the speech, he points at the Doctor as if to say, "Gotcha" and walks up where the Doctor laughs, and denies it. All it needed was for Jack to say "April Fool!" and the scene would be complete.

If Jack is not the Face of Boe, it raises a few questions, but are easily answered. If Jack is immortal and indestructible, then he could easily survive until the development of intergalactic travel, head to the Isop Galaxy, meet the Face of Boe and tell him all about "You are not alone" and start all the legends - indeed, one would expect immortals to meet up with each other, thanks to their shared interests. This does beg the question of what does happen to Jack. Is he on the ship to Utopia? Could he end up as one of the Toclafane (would his body be able to be changed without snapping back to its former state?)? Is he caught in one of those collapsing galaxies? He could be one of the Futurekind for that matter.

Until further information comes to light in Season Four, we can onlyt be sure that Jack was joking in his final scene with the Doctor - even if it turns out he is going to end up dying on New Earth. It's either a gag or a truly demented piece of irony, and only time will tell which is which.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Fantastic. Just fan-tast-ic...

I really should be big and ugly enough to get over such news.

I've had worse.

I remember that Christmas such a long time ago as I flipped through my first ever Doctor Who Magazine with its cover of a Cyberman/Dalek war (like that would ever happen), and it's true they were more interesting to look at back then, full of different colours and articles and interviews and fiction. Nowadays it's Confidential novelized with a comic strip.

But I remember that stabbing sense of fear as I saw that picture of the Seventh Doctor wielding that amulet from The Greatest Show in the Galaxy, with that look of desperate fear that McCoy does so well and the caption that read, "The Greatest Show... no more?"

Even back then I knew it wasn't about the master tapes of the story being given the Troughton purge.

And today I feel that stabbing sensation.

I shouldn't though. Doctor Who has suffered through these moments before.

In 1985, the BBC were utterly, utterly screwed. They could have been rehearsing for the stock market crash, only with more pessimism. Thatcher and economics had totally and utterly ruined them. They were at the end of their velco, unable to afford rope. They chose Michael Grade to be their new leader, their Controller who will be obeyed without question. They gave him more power than anyone else had ever weilded.

"Do whatever you want," they begged him en masse, no longer caring that this guy was not what you'd call neutral when it came to TV. He cancelled The Goodies, for crying out. OK, they would have quit soon anyway, but a choice would have been nice. "Just save us!" they continued to beg.

So, Grade sat behind his chair, leered, and then started cancelling all the shows that were more expensive than the revenue they made. Lots of them were axed with no thought or even malice. Doctor Who just happened to be one of them. And it WAS cancelled. The end. No more. Kaput.

JNT (humanity within him) was horrified and set to action while his second in commands Eric Saward and Ian Levine went to sleep and went nuts respectively. One didn't care and the other cared too much, expecting that if he bought a TV, smashed it and dumped it in the lobby, that would somehow bring down the government. It's like Rik the People's Poet, only more pathetic.

JNT however, using a cunning filter of fans and friends caused a popular uprising against the BBC. The Sun, always happy to run a front page, did the infamous "Dr Who Axed in BBC Plot!" and with their usual flair for accuracy managed to convince half the production team that Colin Baker had genuinely been assassinated by some crazed accountant (Nicola Bryant was relieved to discover the truth).

Grade was targetted as the bastard behind all this when it was GENUINELY nothing personal. But after his skiing holiday was ruined by paparazzi (nothing compared to nowadays, but intense at the time) Grade reversed his decision and modified it to an 'eighteen month hiatus'. I think Doctor Who was downhill in Season 22, and others do as well. But Season 23 would be no improvement.

Why? Because Grade's total apathy towards Doctor Who was now becoming a dislike. The thing was in his bad books already for expensive, violent, imaginative... and now he was being heckled for doing his job! The job he was doing well since the BBC hadn't burned itself down for insurance. So, as long as Season 23 was cheaper and different enough for him to claim it had been reformed, he didn't care.

By the time Season 23 had finished, Grade out and out hated the show. With the flimsiest of excuses he gave the team a choice. Either they got their act together with mass ratings or it was the end. And the simplest way to do that was replace the Doctor. JNT was appalled, as he was never afraid to admit, but he realized that if HE quit instead of Colin, there was nothing to stop the show being killed for good. Colin, accepting the dire straits his producer had been put it, agreed to leave and stormed out. After sweating blood, JNT worked out the chance for Colin to reappear in the first story of Season 24 but Colin, understandably, refused as the wounds were too fresh, and the show survived.

THEN, an idiot called Philip Segal had to ruin everything.

Just as Doctor Who was finding its feet, working to its budget with the only person unhappy on it JNT because he STILL couldn't risk leaving, Segal sent a letter to the Controller of the BBC, now Peter Creegan. It wasn't an offensive letter or anything, just a few questions.

But BAD questions.

How much did it cost to make? Would you mind if Americans made it instead? Could this be the way things worked on from now on?

Creegan was delighted. More and more of the BBC shows were being outsourced, made by different companies who could handle all the cash and problems and the BBC could, Chatham-style, take the credit. So, he 'rested' Doctor Who and waited for the American company to take over, meaning it should have been 1991 when the show returned bigger and better than ever - after all, only a total moron would have turned up bragging American backing if there wasn't any...

But there wasn't.

Finally, it was decided that there would be a Doctor Who movie which would spin off into a new series. Every possible production company had a stab, but the BBC thought most of them were crap, were trying to up the offers from the professionals and at the same time milk more revenue from Doctor Who during the all-important thirtieth anniversary. But the BBC wouldn't surrender the rights to Doctor Who, just as they refused to make it themselves. In the meantime, a constant trickle of cash from books, videos, magazines, etc, kept them ticking over.

And when the movie was finally made, Doctor Who had gone off. Hardly anyone was interested in making a series nowadays, and everyone wanted it rebooted from scratch with the amnesiac exiled Doctor being hunted through America by the Master and his Ogron Terminator beasts. Like the BBC, Fox knew that they had the potential for some good stuff even if they didn't know how to use it.

Until, in 2003 Lorraine Heggessy rang them up and demanded "Are you fuckers ever going to do some work?!"

The mumbled voices on the line mentioned they'd thought a bit about Alan Cummins and that they had to wash their hair.

After a stream of abuse, Heggessy got ALL the rights back to Doctor Who and told the three ducklings before her (Russel, Julie and Phil) to get to work. Starting a show is harder than continuing one so all of 2004 was about forging Season 27 with its Doctors, Rosies, Muggseys, Captain Jaxes and of course, the evil Will Fences and his alien captive Toclafane in the basement, and remodelling Cybermen because obviously the Daleks wouldn't turn up.

Since then we've had 39 episodes, three Christmas specials, two special episodes, two Comic Relief sketches, sixteen full length novels, action figures, activity books, annuals, storybooks, a new kid-friendly version of DWM, plus three spin off with Sarah Jane, Captain Jack and K9.

And then this happens.

They're taking a 'gap year'.

I hate that term. I hate the fact I'll get only three hours of new Doctor Who for a whole year. I hate the fact that after waiting fifteen years for a new series, they DELIBERATELY decide to take a year off. And why are they doing it?

Well, apparently, they're buggered. They all need a rest apparently.

And so they should!

One series exhausted Christopher "Dead Northan me" Eccleston to the point of collapse. David Tennant, younger, fitter, camper, managed two series before his mum died (which put a crimp on his enthusiasm, as you can imagine). But the production team are at death's door.

Maybe, just maybe if they were making ONE spin off instead of three, it might have worked itself out.

Has Torchwood really been a success? There's an unofficial guidebook, three books and a DVD. The main writer has placed not so subtle digs at the first series throughout Season 29 - the Welsh are imbeciles, the Hub is stupid and the main character is destined to become a head in a jar, and any mysteries in the show can be explained by a six year old fan of the parent show.

Just why did they agree to make all these spin offs? Why? Couldn't they have just authorized OTHER PEOPLE to do it for them? After Invasion of the Bane, the SJAs should have been handed over to someone else to make. The K9As did. And now this.

Did they not notice that if they weren't making all these spin offs, they could concentrate on the main show? Anyone who says Tennant's first year didn't suffer is lying. Everyone was sneaking off early to concentrate on Torchwood (and so would you if you heard about a serious gritty adult sci fi drama with Captain Jack "Cassanova" Harkness there, wouldn't you?) and we were left with a string of unconnected, uninvolved plots that not even Graham Harper could save, turning the main characters into total gits.

With RTD's rising antipathy to Torchwood allowing him to focus more on the new season of Doctor Who (and you'll be glad to know the finished Season 29 is a vast improvement on the pitch, unlike Season 28 which caused me to sob, "why, why?!?" and lovingly stroke the pages) I can only hope the imminent holiday doesn't cause him to start slacking off. Hell, I probably would in his shoes.

Rumors have been circulating for ages that RTD and DT are some kind of drunken megalomaniacs, lying in decadence demanding peeled grapes and threatening to quit and ruin the show unless they are pampered and fawned over. How I joined in with the mobs that shouted anglo saxon abuse at the rumor mongers! These blokes care too much for the show to deliberately ruin it...

So... next year we get the third year of David Tennant's Doctor, a second series of Torchwood, Sarah Jane Investigates... and the year after that?

...

Well, does anyone really expect SJ's spin off to make a second season without half the cast being changed? It's taking so long in the production one of the main cast has been replaced. Unless they Round the Twist-style change the cast every series, this show's stated format is dead in the water.

As for Torchwood, Chris Chinball's 42 has just, JUST convinced me he might be able to make the show vaguely watchable. But as it's sold around Captain Jack (who, remember, was hardly in the first series despite being the central character... if you could SAY he had a character), it's likely to be even more difficult for a third season unless John Barrowman quits to focus on whatever the hell he does that stops him being a regular in any established show. Which means we could be stuck with Owen Harper and Gwen Cooper, similar in name, outlook and punchability. Methinks they aren't ready for the 21st century and never will be. And RTD agrees with that thought.

And frankly, the K9Adventures... do we know ANYTHING about it yet? Except that Channel 10 (having woken up in bed finding themself with Torchwood being shown shoved it quickly into a graveyard slot and pretended nothing happened) have bought it. Have the voices been cast? When will it be on?

So, in 2009 we get three 60 minute specials. Not all in a bunch, like Jonathon Creek, but scattered over the year.

Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

RTD's going to write them all. And they're all first episodes, basically. That means it's spectacle, spectacle, spectacle! Watch this! There's a giant ant in Supermarket Sweep! Lord Lucan is found to be a Slitheen! That woman on Malcasserio is, in fact, Morbius with a girly hand! The sort of bollocks you forgive for Christmas specials and opening episodes, in the knowledge subtlety and intrigue is at least offered around the corner.

But not in 2009.

The TV equivalent of a Balowski monologue - abrupt, out of left field and quickly over. And look at the beating the media's been giving Doctor Who while it was regularly on air. It's been cancelled and everyone's quit sixteen times a month! How are they going to react when it becomes three one-off specials? How long before "oh, season five, no more, BBC bosses break wind". The Sun have blabbed every twist from the Doctor dying, to the Dalek/Cybermen war to the Master returning. Now, those are the big parts of three thirteen episode sagas. What are they gonna blow when they only have three plots?

BBCWales has been sweating under the collar about Torchwood losing its 'fan base' (or the looneys that claim to be so, anyway) during their 'gap year'. It won't happen to Doctor Who, of course, but the goodwill of the media can vanish like THAT! Not a single damning review of New Earth was carried out by a journalist who hadn't raved about how great The Christmas Invasion was. Find a criticism of Martha by someone who wasn't bitching aboout Rose all the time.

Season 31, when it arrives... if it arrives... is not going to have an easy time of it.

And while we're left with Big Finish, and the brightening thought of some new material returning to Doctor Who Magazine now they have room to breathe, and those bloody novels I must get round to reading, it doesn't quite cheer me up.

Worst of all is the fact that there will not be enough critical mass of Doctor Who in the year to fend off the spectre of Ben Chatham and the inevitable "if they'd just used the story about the giant otter ripping off lower class housewives' arms, the show would be in a much better state".

And the fact my family have to all concentrate on staying alive to 2010...